32. Atlanta Falcons (0-1) - Remember my Joey Harrington Theorem? The one where he starts OK, has one great game and then collapses? Scrap that. New Joey Harrington Theorem: First, Harrington sucks. Then, he sucks some more. Then, he throws a couple of pick-sixes. Then he keeps on sucking until the game is over. Think that's it? No! During the press conference, Harrington complains about everything and says that if a couple of things went his way, his team would have won, even though the score was like 38-3.
31. Cleveland Browns (0-1) - Oddities on who will start for the Browns in Week 2: 2:1 - Charlie Frye. 3:1 - Derek Anderson. 4:1 - Brevin Knight. 8:1 - Bernie Kosar. 11:1 - Tim Couch. 18:1 - Kelly Holcomb. 25:1 - Spurgeon Wynn. 4,303,854,015,991.4:1 - Brady Quinn.
30. Kansas City Chiefs (0-1) - Chiefs: You were just dominated by the Houston Texans. Time to go put yourselves out of your misery.
29. Miami Dolphins (0-1) - About 1,000 people weren't polled in Miami, asking why they thought the Dolphins signed Trent Green. Here are the results: 50% - What are you talking about? Trent Green is awesome! Stop harrassing me! 25% - Green was good like 15 years ago, so he should be able to get the job done. 15% - There are no long-term affects of concussions. 5% - He's 37, so he has about 50 years of productivity left in the tank. 4% - He's so mobile; if they put pressure on him, he'll just scramble downfield. 1% - "Golly gee, you know, Trent Green is just a terrific football player. Yeah, he really is just swell. Our entire team is just terrific, and Cam Cameron is doing such a great job even when he's watching porn instead of coaching preseason games." (That last one was general manager Randy Mueller.)
28. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-1) - With all of those great receivers Jeff Garcia was throwing to against the Seahawks, it's no wonder the Buccaneers didn't trade up for Calvin Johnson.
27. Buffalo Bills (0-1) - Let's hope the doctors are wrong about Kevin Everett's injury and that he can one day walk again.
26. Oakland Raiders (0-1) - Last year, I ran a bit called Letters From Edgerrin, where I composed mock letters from Edgerrin James to Peyton Manning, where the former Colts running back described his season to his former quarterback. This year, I'll be doing something similar for Dominic Rhodes. I'll have my first entry next week if I can think of something semi-creative.
25. St. Louis Rams (0-1) - The Rams are done without Orlando Pace, who, with apologies to Torry Holt, is the most important player on the offense. By the way, I don't think Steven Jackson can get away with not playing in the preseason. Jackson, who fumbled twice on Sunday, definitely can't do what LaDainian Tomlinson does.
24. New York Giants (0-1) - Eli Manning out for a few weeks. Jared Lorenzen in. Let's just hope he doesn't eat any of his teammates.
23. Arizona Cardinals (0-1) - Knute Rockne invented the forward pass. The Cardinals uninvented it on Monday night. (Note: I previously said John Heisman invented the forward pass. This was incorrect; Heisman invented the handoff. Sorry for the confusion.)