Run Defenses: Rush yards per carry allowed to running backs: (Last game/Season)
New England Patriots (2-0) - Just what the rest of the NFL needs. Eric Mangini single-handedly gave the best team in the league something to prove. It's already over.
Indianapolis Colts (2-0) - In my opinion, the only team that can stop the Patriots this year, though it should be noted that New England's receivers won't bail the Colts out with dropped passes this year.
Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0) - I can't quite say my No. 3 Steelers ranking is validated because they beat the lowly Browns and Bills. Then again, Cleveland put up 51 on the Bengals, so what does anyone really know?
San Diego Chargers (1-1) - Oh, no! The Chargers just struggled against the NFC champion Bears and lost to the Super Bowl-favorite Patriots. They must really suck. LaDainian Tomlinson's done. Philip Rivers is a scrub. Norv Turner can't coach. Actually, that last one is sort of true.
Dallas Cowboys (2-0) - I don't get why Terrell Owens was penalized in the Miami game. Owens was shown video taping someone (or no one in particular) when he scored his touchdown in the second half. And speaking of video stuff, what's with the DLP girl, the one who says, "It's the mirrors?" She hasn't aged in three years! She's looked the same since 2004. Where did they find this girl?
Tennessee Titans (1-1) - I'd like to see Vince Young run more than five times against the Colts. I'd also like to see the Titans add a few weapons at wide out. Brandon Jones should not be Young's go-to guy in the clutch.
Baltimore Ravens (1-1) - Brian Billick said the Jets were illegaly simulating the snap count. I guess some other coach is due to blame Billick for cheating next week. Wonder what Ken Whisenhunt will complain about? Maybe: "The Ravens were illegaly having a a coach with an ego problem on the sidelines." I actually believe that one.
Denver Broncos (2-0) - Roger Goodell really needs to get rid of this icing-the-kicker rule. It sucks and it slows down the game.
Green Bay Packers (2-0) - Green Bay's defense is awesome, and as long as Old Man River doesn't throw interceptions by the dozens, the Packers will make the playoffs. I'm kidding with the Old Man River comment, by the way; I'm a huge supporter of senior citizens playing in the NFL.
New York Jets (0-2) - You know that kid who couldn't catch the ball in The Little Giants? That's Justin McCareins! Think about it... That movie was made like 15 years ago. That kid was 13 or so. The years (and receiving talents) match up! Seriously though, the Jets lost to the Patriots and Ravens, so I don't think they're as bad as their record indicates.
32. Atlanta Falcons (0-2) - Atlanta is currently talking to Byron Leftwich. It must really suck to be a Falcons fan. First, they trade away the best signal caller on the roster (Matt Schaub). Then, they go from a dog-slaughterer to a caviar-eater to a Fat Albert-look-alike at quarterback.
31. Cleveland Browns (1-1) - Good to see Derek Anderson prevented himself from getting traded this week. But that doesn't mean Anderson should unpack his bags; he's one bad quarter away from getting sent to the Pacific Northwest.
30. Miami Dolphins (0-2) - The Randy Mueller Quote of the Week: "Oh gosh, we lost a tough tough tough tough game to the great Dallas Cowboys, oh boy. I'm very happy with how hard our boys played. Trent Green was so gosh darn terrific, and Ronnie Brown is so sensational, and Ted Ginn, oh boy, oh boy, he's going to be such a great talent, let me tell you."
29. Buffalo Bills (0-2) - J.P. Losman complained that the play-calling against the Steelers was too conservative. I'm not sure how his coaches responded, but I imagine it was something like, "Well, we would air it out, but we're concerned with your inaccuracy, inconsistency and girly-man voice."
28. Kansas City Chiefs (0-2) - Have to give my college roommate, Dennis, credit for this one. You know that commercial where Herm Edwards is running some sort of a fashion show with kids modeling NFL gear? Well, if only coaching were that easy...
27. Minnesota Vikings (1-1) - Didn't the Vikings trade for Kelly Holcomb? Why didn't they put him in once they saw Tarvaris Jackson was struggling? What was the point of that trade?
26. Oakland Raiders (0-2) - Letters From Dominic: "Dear Payton, I saw you won vs. Titans this weekend 22-20. I'm glad too see you are still winning without me, thou I think you would have won by 40 with me on the roster. Our kicker mist the field goal after the Lions coach called time out last weekend. Not fair man! Our kicker, not shore what his name is, was drunk. Don't tell nobody! He said he was lucky to hit the first kick but man he threw up all over my locker after the second one. That's about it for me. Can I have your autograph. Your friend, Dominick Rhodes."
25. St. Louis Rams (0-2) - Marc Bulger was sacked six times? Who was coaching the Rams this weekend, Mike Martz? St. Louis has no shot without Orlando Pace.
24. New York Giants (0-2) - About 1,000 people weren't polled in north Jersey, asking why they thought Eli Manning started in place of Jared Lorenzen: 25% - Archie Manning told Tom Coughlin he had to start his son. Archie also ordered Coughlin to stop yelling at Eli. 25% - Lorenzen was too busy eating Cheetos. 25% - Lorenzen threatened to eat some members of the team if he didn't start. Eli cunningly distracted Lorenzen with a cheeseburger. 25% - Brett Favre told Eli he had to start.
23. Arizona Cardinals (1-1) - No making fun of the Cardinals this week, who won as an underdog. Instead... Oddities on why the Giants have quit on Tom Coughlin: 6:1 - Players are too busy avoiding getting eaten by Jared Lorenzen. 8:1 - Archie Manning told the players not to try hard for Coughlin. 10:1 - Coughlin yelled at the players for not being five hours early to a meeting, and the team isn't taking it anymore. 12:1 - The Giants fired Coughlin but forgot to tell him. The players are confused why Coughlin's office was moved to the basement of the stadium.
The Rest: 11. Seattle Seahawks. 12. Cincinnati Bengals. 13. Chicago Bears. 14. Houston Texans. 15. Washington Redskins. 16. Detroit Lions. 17. San Francisco 49ers. 18. Carolina Panthers. 19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 20. New Orleans Saints. 21. Jacksonville Jaguars. 22. Philadelphia Eagles.
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