32. Atlanta Falcons (0-2) - Atlanta is currently talking to Byron Leftwich. It must really suck to be a Falcons fan. First, they trade away the best signal caller on the roster (Matt Schaub). Then, they go from a dog-slaughterer to a caviar-eater to a Fat Albert-look-alike at quarterback.
31. Cleveland Browns (1-1) - Good to see Derek Anderson prevented himself from getting traded this week. But that doesn't mean Anderson should unpack his bags; he's one bad quarter away from getting sent to the Pacific Northwest.
30. Miami Dolphins (0-2) - The Randy Mueller Quote of the Week: "Oh gosh, we lost a tough tough tough tough game to the great Dallas Cowboys, oh boy. I'm very happy with how hard our boys played. Trent Green was so gosh darn terrific, and Ronnie Brown is so sensational, and Ted Ginn, oh boy, oh boy, he's going to be such a great talent, let me tell you."
29. Buffalo Bills (0-2) - J.P. Losman complained that the play-calling against the Steelers was too conservative. I'm not sure how his coaches responded, but I imagine it was something like, "Well, we would air it out, but we're concerned with your inaccuracy, inconsistency and girly-man voice."
28. Kansas City Chiefs (0-2) - Have to give my college roommate, Dennis, credit for this one. You know that commercial where Herm Edwards is running some sort of a fashion show with kids modeling NFL gear? Well, if only coaching were that easy...
27. Minnesota Vikings (1-1) - Didn't the Vikings trade for Kelly Holcomb? Why didn't they put him in once they saw Tarvaris Jackson was struggling? What was the point of that trade?
26. Oakland Raiders (0-2) - Letters From Dominic: "Dear Payton, I saw you won vs. Titans this weekend 22-20. I'm glad too see you are still winning without me, thou I think you would have won by 40 with me on the roster. Our kicker mist the field goal after the Lions coach called time out last weekend. Not fair man! Our kicker, not shore what his name is, was drunk. Don't tell nobody! He said he was lucky to hit the first kick but man he threw up all over my locker after the second one. That's about it for me. Can I have your autograph. Your friend, Dominick Rhodes."
25. St. Louis Rams (0-2) - Marc Bulger was sacked six times? Who was coaching the Rams this weekend, Mike Martz? St. Louis has no shot without Orlando Pace.
24. New York Giants (0-2) - About 1,000 people weren't polled in north Jersey, asking why they thought Eli Manning started in place of Jared Lorenzen: 25% - Archie Manning told Tom Coughlin he had to start his son. Archie also ordered Coughlin to stop yelling at Eli. 25% - Lorenzen was too busy eating Cheetos. 25% - Lorenzen threatened to eat some members of the team if he didn't start. Eli cunningly distracted Lorenzen with a cheeseburger. 25% - Brett Favre told Eli he had to start.
23. Arizona Cardinals (1-1) - No making fun of the Cardinals this week, who won as an underdog. Instead... Oddities on why the Giants have quit on Tom Coughlin: 6:1 - Players are too busy avoiding getting eaten by Jared Lorenzen. 8:1 - Archie Manning told the players not to try hard for Coughlin. 10:1 - Coughlin yelled at the players for not being five hours early to a meeting, and the team isn't taking it anymore. 12:1 - The Giants fired Coughlin but forgot to tell him. The players are confused why Coughlin's office was moved to the basement of the stadium.
The Rest: 11. Seattle Seahawks. 12. Cincinnati Bengals. 13. Chicago Bears. 14. Houston Texans. 15. Washington Redskins. 16. Detroit Lions. 17. San Francisco 49ers. 18. Carolina Panthers. 19. Tampa Bay Buccaneers. 20. New Orleans Saints. 21. Jacksonville Jaguars. 22. Philadelphia Eagles.