32. Miami Dolphins (0-12) - I never polled about 1,000 people in Miami, asking what they would do if the Dolphins finished 0-16. Here aren't the results: 1% - Become Patriots fans. 4% - Join the 1972 Dolphins in their mass suicide if the Patriots go 19-0. 15% - Set up a tent outside of Dan Marino's castle, pleading him to unretire. 20% - Watch porn videos with Cam Cameron instead of coaching/watching the final preseason game. 60% - Take a trip across Asia and Africa with Ricky Williams - without leaving the apartment.
31. San Francisco 49ers (3-9) - I'm pretty confident that angels cried during the Panthers-49ers game.
30. Atlanta Falcons (3-9) - The Falcons replaced Joey Harrington with Chris Redman against the Rams. I'd say Atlanta should try out Chris Method Man if Redman doesn't work out, but that's just corny. Still, it wouldn't be a bad idea, given how their season is going.
28. St. Louis Rams (3-9) - If Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I've had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Channing Crowder, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brian Billick and David Carr thus far. OK... I'm here with Andy Reid! Andy, sorry for your loss to Seattle on Sunday. "Uhh... injuries... uhh... Donovan... uhh... ankle... uhh..." Injuries? Is that why you lost? "Uhh... throw the ball... uhh... pass even though it's snowing... uhh... cheese steaks?" Yeah, that's pretty much your gameplan, isn't it? "Uhh... cheeseburgers... uhh... don't give the ball to Brian Westbrook after he returns a long punt... uhh... hamburgers?" Sounds about right to me. This is boring, I'm gonna go. See ya. "Uhh... time's yours."
25. Kansas City Chiefs (4-8) - This is bizarre. Since when have the Chiefs won on the road and struggled at Arrowhead? Herm Edwards is clearly up to this, as this trend started as soon as he took over for Dick Vermeil. How did Edwards accomplish this? Let's do some oddities! 16:1 - When Edwards said, "You play to win the games!" he really meant to say, "You play to win the road games!" 8:1 - Edwards is too busy running fashion shows in Kansas City to gameplan for his opponent. 4:1 - Edwards can easily take his sanity medication while staying at a hotel, but it's more difficult to do that at home because he doesn't want his wife to know that he's a lunatic. 1:10,000 - Uhh... because he's a bad coach whose teams perennially underachieve and seldom meet expectations?
29. Oakland Raiders (4-8) - Letters From Dominic (I ran a segment last year composing fake letters from Edgerrin James to Peyton Manning. This year, I'm doing the same thing for Dominic Rhodes): "Dear Peyton. I'm still speaking perfect English! All I'm doing is saying the opposite of what Emmitt Smith says on TV. I mentioned that I had a business proposal for you. Here it is. Now, I don't know if you've been paying attention to my team amid the 5,000 commercials you shoot every week, but I've secretly been stealing money from the Raiders organization. I get paid for just sitting at home and writing letters to you every week! They just don't want to cut me so the Broncos or Chiefs don't sign me. So, you should talk to Colts management. I'll sign with you guys and do the same thing. I'll then split the cash with you 50-50. With the extra money, you won't have to do the ads so you can feed your starving dad and brothers. What do you think? Oh, and can I have your autograph? Your pal, Dominic!"
27. New York Jets (3-9) - I love how the Jets were underdogs at Miami just because they were blown out at Dallas, and the Dolphins nearly beat the Steelers. Miami was also smoked by the Cowboys, and just two weeks ago, New York took down Pittsburgh in overtime. I'm ashamed that I made Washington my Pick of the Month instead of the Jets.
26. Carolina Panthers (5-7) - Prior to Sunday's victory over the 49ers, the Panthers hadn't won or covered since Week 6. Yet, they're just one game out of the final wildcard spot. Ladies and gentlemen, the NFC Playoff Race!
24. Baltimore Ravens (4-8) - Way to put all of your eggs in one basket, Ravens. Where was this energy against the Bills, Bengals, Browns and Chargers? I love how the players called it their Super Bowl. Now that their "Super Bowl" is over, is their season finished? Are they going to take these final four weeks off?
23. Cincinnati Bengals (4-8) - Quick, what do you get when you combine a guy who cares more about his celebrations than winning, another guy who spends his entire day complaining to everyone, and a third guy whose ideal girl loves going to Chuck E. Cheese? The Bengals receiving corps? No, I was actually going to say a group of inmates, but I guess that works as well.
The Rest: 11. San Diego Chargers (7-5). 12. Tennessee Titans (7-5). 13. Minnesota Vikings (6-6). 14. Arizona Cardinals (6-6). 15. Buffalo Bills (6-6). 16. Chicago Bears (5-7). 17. Denver Broncos (5-7). 18. Houston Texans (5-7). 19. New Orleans Saints (5-7). 20. Philadelphia Eagles (5-7). 12. Washington Redskins (5-7). 20. Detroit Lions (6-6).