32. Miami Dolphins (0-13) - Why is everyone talking about Cam Cameron getting fired? Sure, he's so inept and overwhelmed he couldn't coach a preseason game because he had to decide whom to cut, but the man responsible for this mess is general manager Randy Mueller. Any person who trades for a 75-year-old quarterback a few months removed from a concussion, drafts a kick-returner No. 9 overall and says things like "good golly, gee whiz!" does not deserve an NFL job.
31. San Francisco 49ers (3-10) - Lots of Michael Vick content in the wake of the dog-slaughterer being sentenced 23 months (not nearly enough - at least five years would have been more fair) and the Monday night contest between the Falcons and Saints. Roddy White wore a t-shirt under his jersey that read, "Free Michael Vick!" Unfortunately, we didn't get to see what was written on the back: "...so he can run rampant, kidnap dogs, and drown/electrocute/hang/beat them to death! W00t!"
30. Atlanta Falcons (3-10) - I never polled about 1,000 people in Atlanta, all of whom were wearing No. 7 jerseys at the game, asking why they supported Michael Vick. Here aren't the results: .1% - "My cat told me my damn dog ate my lasagna, and I want revenge, damn it!" .1% - "My dog stole all of my friends and wrote a manuscript with his stupid yellow bird, damn it!" 49.9% - "We don't actually support him; we're just brain-dead and don't understand how disgusting of a human being Michael Vick is. Our bad." 49.9% - "We're sorry. We're classless scumbags with no future prospects who had to sell drugs just to buy a ticket for this game. We have no morals; in fact, we beat our own dogs."
29. St. Louis Rams (3-10) - Brock Berlin? Blah. Let's keep talking about Dog Killer. Tony Kornheiser made it a point to declare that there is no way Michael Vick can stay in shape while playing golf and tennis in prison. Well, I'm here to tell you Vick will be in shape once he "come outside jail," as Emmitt Smith would say. Vick will be faster and stronger once he's done his time. He'll spend his entire sentence running away from horny 500-pound men who want to have his way with him in the shower.
28. Kansas City Chiefs (4-9) - Nice job, Herm. Way to coach. Anyway, if Mike Tirico, Tony Kornheiser and Ron Jaworski can have the likes of Jimmy Kimmel and Drew Carey in the booth, why can't I have a celebrity guest on my Power Rankings page? I've had Keyshawn Johnson, Emmitt Smith, Channing Crowder, Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Brian Billick, David Carr and Andy Reid thus far. OK... I'm here with Michael Vick! Michael, what are you doing here? Shouldn't you be in prison? "Yo man, I ain't kill no dogs!" Didn't you admit to killing dogs though? Isn't that why you're supposed to be in jail? "I ain't kill no dogs man! Yo man, pass the blunt." Blunt? Didn't you get into trouble with that too? "I ain't smokin no weed!" Whatever, loser. Do you think your 23-month sentence was too long? "Yo man, get the hell out of my house!" Uhh... this is my house... "I ain't kill no dogs, yo!"
27. Oakland Raiders (4-9) - I'm not sure if the Raiders realize this, but they spent the first-overall pick in the 2007 Draft on a quarterback named JaMarcus Russell. Perhaps Al Davis should start writing this stuff down.
26. Carolina Panthers (5-8) - I've been looking over the numbers, and I just realized that I've picked the Panthers four of the past six weeks. Seriously, what the hell am I doing? I've had enough... Let's do some oddities on why I've been doing this! 1:4 - I'm sham-dicapper who can't even pick his own nose right now. 4:1 - I believed Charles Rogers would be a great target for Joey Harrington for 10 years. 10:1 - I thought the Lions taking the donut-eating Mike Williams was a great move! 80:1 - I have a Brian Billick-to-Kyle Boller-like man-crush on Vinny Testaverde and David Carr.
25. New York Jets (3-10) - Instead of predicting an upset like Steelers starting idiot Anthony Smith, everyone on the Jets should say, "I guarantee the Patriots are going to kick our a**."
24. Baltimore Ravens (4-9) - Joining Phil Simms at the Jerk Store is Tony Dungy, who called the second half against the Ravens a "tough half." Hey, Dungy, you're up 37-7!
23. Cincinnati Bengals (5-8) - Ever wonder why you have to be three years out of high school to enter the NFL? Is it because guys younger than 21 years old aren't mature enough? Not quite. I think Roger Goodell is trying to prevent Chris Henry from buying alcohol for players under the drinking age. Unfortunately, what Goodell has forgotten that it's likely that 21-year-olds have sisters who are in high school.
The Rest: 11. Minnesota Vikings (7-6). 12. San Diego Chargers (8-5). 13. Buffalo Bills (7-6). 14. Tennessee Titans (7-6). 15. Arizona Cardinals (6-7). 16. Denver Broncos (6-7). 17. Houston Texans (6-7). 18. New Orleans Saints (6-7). 19. Washington Redskins (6-7). 20. Chicago Bears (5-8). 21. Philadelphia Eagles (5-8). 22. Detroit Lions (6-7).