The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
This is a compilation of the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts features that I’ve posted on my NFL Picks and NFL Power Rankings pages. Follow me on Twitter @walterfootball for contest updates.
All Photoshopped work is done by e-mailer Patskrieg. I’d like to thank him for his excellent work.
Last year, on the Adventures of Tom Brady’s Haircuts, Tom Brady was banned from the NFL for sexually assaulting Rob Gronkowski in an attempt to appease the Crips. Brady would end up uniting the Bloods and Crips, who were at war over how they should pleasure themselves while watching Justin Bieber music videos. Brady united the two clans, who formed the Two-Handed Gang.
With peace prevalent throughout the land, Tom Brady has embarked on a more deflating endeavor…
Following a productive Two-Handed Gang meeting, which featured a special, hour-long Justin Bieber video, Tom Brady has decided to unwind by gathering his favorite tools…
Tom Brady: Time to deflate some footballs! I have my drill here, my air compressor here, my PSI gauge here… hey, wait a second, where is my sealer?
DeSean Jackson: Are you forgetting something, Thomas? Oh, and do you like my Justin Bieber lesbian haircut today?
Tom Brady: Oh, I love it! And thank you, DeSean! I thought I forgot the most important part. There’s no point in deflating footballs if you can’t seal them back. I’m going for an all-time low today – 5.5 PSI! I doubt anyone will ever notice!
DeSean Jackson: Look, Thomas, because you united the Bloods and Crips, I love you like a man loves his own hand after touching another man’s nipples during Justin Bieber videos, but I’m starting to get concerned.
Tom Brady: Concerned about what, DeSean? You can tell me, as we are now Bieber Buddies after all.
DeSean Jackson: Well, how do I say this, Thomas? You’ve become the butt of jokes around the NFL. And not the good sort of butt like Justin Bieber’s butt; the sort of butt that gets laughed at. Everyone is aware of your deflating tactics, and you could be suspended by the NFL as a result.
Tom Brady: What? How is this possible!? I’ve taken precautions to make sure no one noticed how deflated my balls were!
DeSean Jackson: Thomas, there’s a video circulating of you holding a football and actually squeezing it so that it crumples up. It’s bad. And look, you’ve received this letter from the commissioner’s office.
Tom Brady opened up the letter. It was from Roger Goodell…
Tom Brady,
I, Roger Goodell, have discovered that you have secretly been deflating footballs to gain an unfair advantage over opponents. I have hereby suspended you for five (5) NFL seasons. Because I am Roger Goodell, and I can do whatever I please. You have seven (7) days to report to the league office in New York, NY and appeal your suspension. Please note that even though I single-handedly handed you this suspension, I will be presiding over your appeal as well.
Yours truly,
Roger Goodell
P.S. I just started watching Game of Thrones upon your suggestion. I am only on Season 2, but Joffrey Baratheon is the finest human being I’ve ever seen, and I aspire to be exactly like him. Oh, and my prediction is that Dany will marry Robb Stark, but they will die because Joffrey is so great.
DeSean Jackson: This is bad, Thomas.
Tom Brady: Indeed. Imagine how surprised he’ll be when Joff…
DeSean Jackson: Spoilers, Thomas!
Tom Brady: Whoops! Sorry, DeSean!
DeSean Jackson: It’s OK. But you don’t seem at all concerned about your impending 5-year suspension.
Tom Brady: That is correct. I’m confident that I will be exonerated when I visit the league offices. Now, if you’ll excuse me, DeSean, I have some balls to deflate.
Tom Brady received a letter from Roger Goodell that he will be suspended for five years because he has been guilty of deflating footballs. Tom Brady has been summoned to the league office in New York to meet with Goodell, who will be presiding over the appellate process…
Tom Brady: Ah, New York! I haven’t been here since I was married to Gisele. She used to take me clothes shopping all the time. It saddens me that those days are over, but I must reclaim my freedom from the evil Roger Goodell. Hopefully, he’ll be impressed by this fancy-shmancy suit I spent $500,000 on.
Tom Brady walks into league headquarters and is immediately greeted by Goodell.
Roger Goodell: Hello, Thomas, welcome to my lair. I trust you’ve come up with a strong defense, as I will be the arbiter of your appellate process. If you fail to put forth a valid argument, you will be suspended from the NFL for five years.
Tom Brady: OK, here it goes. Roger, there’s no way I deflated the footballs below the required PSI level. How could I possibly do that when I have no knowledge of PSI. I do not even know what Pounds Per Sq… I mean PSI stands for. If I had any knowledge of PSI, would I know that there are four essential tools needed to deflate footballs? If I had knowledge of PSI, I would know that the four tools are the drill, PSI gauge, air compressor and sealer, but I don’t know that at all. Here’s what I do know, Roger: You are mistaken. I have obviously been framed, as there is no evidence of me deflating footballs.
Roger Goodell: Nice try Tom, but there is evidence! Take a look at this video. You are caught on camera deflating your footballs. Explain yourself!
Tom Brady: No, I swear, that’s not me. I even have my cell phone to submit as evidence. Here it is… oh, no! It broke somehow! How did that happen!?!?!
Roger Goodell: Thomas… you can’t be serious right now…
Tom Brady: OK, fine, you got me. I admit it. But if you suspend me, I’ll spoil Game of Thrones for you!
Roger Goodell: You wouldn’t!
Tom Brady: I would! In the final episode this season, Jon Snow…
Roger Goodell: OK, fine, fine, fine! No suspension. But on one condition…
Tom Brady: What’s that?
Roger Goodell: I… I’ve been keeping this a secret for a while now, but someone devious is plotting to destroy the NFL. This person has gone to several quarterbacks and removed all of their hair. They’ve already done it to each of the quarterbacks in the NFC North, and I fear as though this will spread to all of the other divisions. If this continues, all of our quarterbacks will be ugly, which means no one will want to watch the NFL anymore, and that would mean that my well-deserved $25 million salary will disappear!
Tom Brady: How can I possibly help?
Roger Goodell: You are a hair connoisseur, Thomas! You’ve had some questionable hairstyles over the years, but you have more knowledge of hair than anyone else on this planet. I would like you to find the culprit and put an end to this. If you accomplish this, I’ll not only expunge your suspension; I’ll let you play with all of the deflated footballs you could possibly want.
Tom Brady: Hmm… well, that does sound appealing. All right, Roger, I’ll accept your offer. And, Roger…
Roger Goodell: Yes, Thomas?
Tom Brady: Joffrey Baratheon would be proud of you.
Roger Goodell: Wow, I, don’t know what to say. I… I’m speechless. Thank you, Thomas. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to look at the mirror and admire myself for the next 10 hours.
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. This deviant has already struck all of the NFC North signal-callers, so Tom Brady ventured to Green Bay to see if he could find any clues…
Tom Brady: Hey Aaron, whoa, your hair is worse than I thought!
Aaron Rodgers: It’s all gone, Tom! All gone!
Tom Brady: Don’t worry, Aaron. I’m going to find the culprit behind this.
Aaron Rodgers: Good. When you find Todd, kill him!
Tom Brady: Todd? Who’s Todd?
Aaron Rodgers: Todd McShay! He’s the one behind all of this. I just know it. He’s been out to get me since draft day. He said that Brian Brohm is better than me. Brian freaking Brohm! And yet, they keep allowing him to talk on TV, like he’s some sort of expert.
Tom Brady: Todd McShay is a douche, that’s for sure. He tried to join the Two-Handed Gang, and he even attempted to bribe us with some bootleg Justin Bieber videos. We told him no, especially after our leader Elton John figured out that it wasn’t Bieber in the videos; it was Jesse McCartney! That hooligan tried to trick us, but fortunately he was so douchey that we didn’t want him in anyway.
Aaron Rodgers: See? McShay is a monster! You have to stop him, Tom!
Tom Brady: Do you have any proof that Todd McShay is the one who took your hair?
Aaron Rodgers: I… well… no, but who else could it be?
Tom Brady: I’m not sure. I need to keep investigating. Do you have any other informations you can give me?
Aaron Rodgers: Unfortunately, no. I do have a request, though. Tom, can you show me the picture of us at the Kentucky Derby from a year ago? I would like to see what I look like with hair again.
Tom Brady: Sure, I carry this picture around with me all the time. Here it is…
Aaron Rodgers: Ah, I miss my hair. And… hahaha… Tom, you still look ridiculous with that hairdo.
Tom Brady: Ridiculous? Ridiculous!?!?! That’s it! I hope you stay bald forever!
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. This deviant has already struck all of the NFC North signal-callers, so Tom Brady ventured to Green Bay to see if he could find any clues, but was unsuccessful. His next stop? The city of Baltimore.
Tom Brady: I’m Tom Brady, the secret spy, yeah, yeah, yeah! No one will ever know it’s me, yeah, yeah, yeah! I’m Tom Brady, good-looking spy, yeah, yeah, yeah! I’m the coolest spy ever, yeah, yeah, yeah!
Tom Brady hides behind a tree just as Joe Flacco approaches. Shocked that Flacco is not bald, Tom Brady jumps out from behind the tree to startle him.
Tom Brady: Ah, ha! Caught you!
Joe Flacco: Hey, Tom. I figured that was you. You shouldn’t urinate in public like that around here.
Tom Brady: I wasn’t urinating! I was spying!
Joe Flacco: Oh. That’s cool, I guess.
Tom Brady: I’m a great spy. I caught you in the act! Now fess up, mister!
Joe Flacco: Fess up to what?
Tom Brady: You’ve been the one stealing everyone’s hair! Aaron Rodgers thought it was Todd McShay, but it was you all along!
Joe Flacco: Dude, why would I touch anyone’s hair? That’s weird.
Tom Brady: Well, why don’t you tell me why all of the other quarterbacks in the NFC North have lost their hair, but you haven’t!? Tell me now, lying scum!
Joe Flacco: Umm… I don’t play in the NFC North.
Tom Brady: Wait… what?
Joe Flacco: I’m in the AFC North. The AFC, you know, the same conference you’re in?
Tom Brady: Oh… haha, I was just kidding!
Joe Flacco: Whatever you say, “great spy.”
Tom Brady: No, I’m seriously! I swear! I knew all along!
Joe Flacco: All right, well name the teams in the NFC North then if you knew all along.
Tom Brady: Green Bay! Uhh… hmm… uhh… Pittsburgh?
Joe Flacco: Yeah, you sure knew all along. Come along, Tom, I’ll teach you all about the eight NFL divisions.
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. This deviant has already struck all of the NFC North signal-callers, so Tom Brady ventured to Green Bay to see if he could find any clues, but was unsuccessful. His next stop? The city of Chicago.
Tom Brady: Holy crap, Jay! Your head is just as bad as Aaron Rodgers’! It’s awful what happened to you.
Jay Cutler: I don’t care.
Tom Brady: You don’t care? If I lost my hair, I would die! Just die!
Jay Cutler: Meh.
Tom Brady: Meh? What do you mean, “meh?” Why don’t you feel strongly about losing all of your hair!?
Jay Cutler: I dunno, man.
Tom Brady: What is with your attitude, Jay? Why aren’t you expressing any sort of emotions?
Jay Cutler: Uhh… I dunno.
Tom Brady: Jay! Jay!!! Snap out of it! Did they take your soul in addition to your hair!?
Jay Cutler: I dunno, I don’t care.
Tom Brady: DON’T CARE!?!?! DON’T CARE!?!?!?!?! THIS IS YOUR PRECIOUS HAIR WE’RE TALKING ABOUT, JAY! YOUR PRECIOUS HAIR! HOW CAN YOU NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR PRECIOUS HAIR!?
Jay Cutler: Meh.
Tom Brady: Ugh. I give up. I can’t deal with you, Jay. But before I go, do you have any idea who may have taken your hair?
Jay Cutler: Meh, don’t care.
Tom Brady: Do you have any clues to help me out, at least?
Jay Cutler: I dunno, I’ve been staring at this wall for the last 40 hours, so I dunno.
Tom Brady: I’m done with you. F*** you and your indifferent attitude, Jay Cutler!
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. This deviant has already struck all of the NFC North signal-callers, so Tom Brady ventured to Green Bay and Chicago to see if he could find any clues, but was unsuccessful. His next stop? The city of Detroit.
Tom Brady: Good lord, something smells rotten here. Ah yes, I’m in the city of Detroit, where the rancid stench of hopelessness and despair fills your nostrils.
Matthew Stafford: Ah, sorry Tom, that was just one of my farts.
Tom Brady: Matthew! Thanks for meeting me. I see that the hair-stealing culprit has gotten to you, too.
Matthew Stafford: Yup. My hair is all gone, Tom. I’ve heard you’ve come to help? I’ll be right with you, but the coaching staff wants me to work on my mechanics for the next hour. Can we talk after I’m done?
Tom Brady: Sure.
Tom Brady watches as Matthew Stafford works with a coach on his horrible mechanics…
Coach: No, Matthew, you need to fix your footwork! No more throwing five interceptions per game!
Matthew Stafford: No, my way is better!
Coach: Come on, Matthew, please listen!
Matthew Stafford: NO IT’S MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!
Coach: Matthew, I’ll give you this bag of Doritos if you try to change your footwork.
Matthew Stafford: OK, DEAL!
The hour passes by quickly, and Stafford is finally finished.
Matthew Stafford: NOM NOM NOM, DORITOS NOM NOM NOM!!!
Tom Brady: I’m glad we can finally talk. Matthew, did you see who stole your hair?
Matthew Stafford: Yes.
Tom Brady: Really!? Who!?
Matthew Stafford: Not telling.
Tom Brady: Why not!? Come on, Matthew, please! I need to crack this case.
Matthew Stafford: NO! NOT TELLING! IT’S MY WAY OR THE HIGHWAY!
Tom Brady: Ugh, fine, I’ll give you this bag of Cheetos if you help me.
Matthew Stafford: OK, DEAL!
Tom Brady: Good. Now, who was the person who stole your hair?
Matthew Stafford: It was your ex-wife, Tom. Gisele stole my hair.
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. This deviant has already struck all of the NFC North signal-callers, but Tom Brady discovered that his ex-wife, Gisele, has been responsible for this. Not knowing what to do next, Tom Brady has decided to seek the advice of his friend, DeSean Jackson…
Tom Brady: DeSean! You’ll never believe who’s behind all of the hair-stealing!
DeSean Jackson: Hello, Thomas, but before we get to that, I would like to ask you what you think of my latest Justin Bieber lesbian haircut.
Tom Brady: It is beautiful, DeSean. What do you think of my new Justin Bieber hairdo?
DeSean Jackson: I love it, Thomas! Then again, I love all of your Justin Bieber lesbian hairstyles.
Tom Brady: Ah, don’t say something like that, DeSean! You’re making me blush!
DeSean Jackson: But it’s the truth, Thomas. I am a big admirer of your Justin Bieber lesbian haircuts.
Tom Brady: Tee-hee.
DeSean Jackson: OK, so, tell me, Thomas. Who is the culprit behind these devious actions?
Tom Brady: It’s my ex-wife, Gisele!
DeSean Jackson: Gisele…
Tom Brady: You don’t look surprised, DeSean.
DeSean Jackson: Well, that’s because… I… OK, Thomas, I need to admit something to you. Before you united the Bloods and Crips to form the Two-Handed Gang, I conspired with Gisele to overthrow you. Please do not get mad. I only did this because our two factions were feuding, and I was secretly envious of your Justin Bieber lesbian haircuts. Now that we are in the same gang, I’ve severed all ties with Gisele, and I’ll help you put an end to her scheme.
Tom Brady: It’s OK, DeSean. I understand. The war between the Bloods and Crips last year was a horrific time for all of us. But what should I do about Gisele?
DeSean Jackson: You need to reconcile with her.
Tom Brady: Reconcile with Gisele!? The woman who plotted to have me kicked out of the NFL for sexual perversions!? How could you suggest such a thing!?
DeSean Jackson: Thomas, I’m not suggesting that at all. I’m merely recommending that you pretend to get on Gisele’s good side. Once she sees that you wish to re-marry her, she will perhaps open up her secrets to you.
Tom Brady: You are a genius, DeSean! A pure genius! I’m going to call her up right now!
DeSean Jackson: Good luck, Thomas. In the meantime, I will be pondering next week’s Justin Bieber lesbian hairstyle.
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all the quarterbacks. The deviant has turned out to be Tom Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele. Using friend DeSean Jackson’s advice, Tom Brady has decided to get close to Gisele in an attempt to learn her plan…
Tom Brady: Hey Gisele, long time no see!
Gisele: Ah, Thomas Brady, what are you doing here at this art museum party? I invited only the richest, most pretentious people in the world to look at these art exhibits, and they will admire them even though a 5-year-old could’ve done a better job with these paintings. You’re not on the guest list. Security, security!
Tom Brady: No, wait, please. Gisele, even though you tried to get me thrown out of the NFL for perverted activities, I still love you. Every day without you is miserable. I miss your warm embrace and the deep conversations we had about… uhh… well… stuff…
Gisele: Ha! We didn’t have deep conversations. I pretended to have a weird accent, and you basically just nodded your head the entire time. Face it, Thomas, we had nothing in common!
Tom Brady: That’s not true at all! What about the hairdos!? All of the Justin Bieber haircuts you used to buy for me… I loved those. And I miss them. Look at what has become of my hair without you!
Gisele: Yes, it is a tragedy. Look at your pathetic mohawk. I cannot stop laughing. Our stylist Georgio would charge only $500 for a monstrosity like that!
Tom Brady: Gisele?
Gisele: Yes, Thomas?
Tom Brady: You said our stylist.
Gisele: Hmm… it appears as though I did. I must admit, Thomas, that I miss your Justin Bieber lesbian haircuts. And it was a steal, with Georgio charging $20,000 per hairdo! What a fool! I would’ve paid $50,000 for those Justin Bieber lesbian haircuts because they looked so terrific on you!
Tom Brady: So, does that mean you’ll take me back?
Gisele: Well, we’ll see. How about this? We go out next weekend on a “first date” of sorts. You’ll have one night to win me back, Thomas. Make sure you give it your best shot.
Tom Brady: I will, Gisele. It’ll be the best date ever!
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. The deviant has turned out to be Tom Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele. Using friend DeSean Jackson’s advice, Tom Brady has decided to get close to Gisele in an attempt to learn her plan, but must win her back with a great date…
Tom Brady: Hello, my darling. Are you ready to be ravished this evening?
Gisele: Thomas, what are you wearing? Our stylist Georgio would spit on you if he saw you donning such attire.
Tom Brady: Gisele, this shirt is emblematic of where I wish our relationship to go the second time around. When we were married for the first time, we barely spoke. We just admired each other’s good looks. Getting those amazing haircuts was a blast, but it wasn’t enough.
Gisele: So, what do you propose, Thomas?
Tom Brady: Precisely what my t-shirt says. “Best buddies.” We must become best buddies to fully enjoy each other’s company.
Gisele: Hmm… so, how do we become best buddies?
Tom Brady: By developing interests beyond Justin Bieber lesbian haircuts. For instance, I want to take an interest in your art exhibit. I’ve studied all of your paintings, and I’ve come to understand them. For instance, the Francoisio piece. It’s as if Francoisio’s soul was bleeding all over the canvas. It seemed as though he yearned for more in life, and he let his feelings be heard – or seen, rather – through his artwork.
Gisele: Impressive.
Tom Brady: See, the old me would have just thought, “Hey, there’s a stupid painting with a red box and a line through it. But now I understand. And what about the Christophio piece? I could see his rage with every brush stroke. It’s as if Christophio was trapped inside a cage and was trying to paint his way out of it. I mean, sure, all he basically did was splatter red paint on the canvas and smear it around a bit, but I can now see his anger while looking at his $800,000 painting!
Gisele: Thomas, I’m speechless. It’s as if you finally understand me.
Tom Brady: I do understand you. Fully and completely. I want to be your lover once more, but this time, I want to be best buddies as well. Your best fwiend.
Gisele: I like this new side of you, Thomas. All right, I’ll give you a chance. But only on one exception…
Tom Brady: What’s that?
Gisele: I’ve considered the possibility that we’d reunite one day, and I’ve planned a special haircut for you. It’ll be fabulous, and even though you’d have to pay Georgio $5.8 million to get it done, I’d say it’s worth it.
Tom Brady: Then I’ll do it. You know why?
Gisele: Why?
Tom Brady: Because we’re best buddies!
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. The deviant has turned out to be Tom Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele. Using friend DeSean Jackson’s advice, Tom Brady has gotten close to Gisele, but she has made him pay $5.6 million to hair stylist Georgio for a very special haircut…
Georgio: LIKE OH MY GAWD, THITH IS MY BETH WORK EVER!
Gisele: Tres magnifique! Tres magnifique!
Tom Brady: Do I really look that great?
Gisele: Thomas, here’s a mirror. Take a look!
Tom Brady stares into the mirror and sees what $5.6 million has bought him. He’s unsure of what to think.
Tom Brady: Honey, erm, best buddy, when you told me I was getting a new hairdo, I assumed it would be a Justin Bieber lesbian hairstyle. What is this supposed to be?
Georgio: LIKE OH MY GAWD, YOU DON’T LIKE UNDERTHAND MY BRILLIANTH LIKE OH MY GAWD I’M GOING TO LIKE DIE IF YOU DON’T LIKE LIKE IT AND THUFF LIKE OH MY GAWD!
Gisele: Thomas, look what you did to poor Georgio. You cannot destroy a man’s confidence like this.
Tom Brady: I’m sorry, I just, umm… expected something else.
Georgio: LIKE OH MY GAWD! LIKE OH MY GAWD!
Gisele: Thomas, why don’t you step outside and see what the public thinks of your new hairstyle?
Tom Brady nods and leaves the building. Numerous people immediately see him and begin cackling. Various homophobic obscenities are heard throughout the street. A couple of tomatoes are thrown Tom Brady’s way. More laughter ensues. Tom Brady, feeling extremely vulnerable, begins crying and runs away. Meanwhile, back at the hair salon… Gisele: It worked. Brilliant, Georgio. Brilliant.
Georgio: Thank you. It was too easy. Here’s some of Thomas’ hair that I snipped off while giving him that ghastly hairdo.
Gisele: Merci beaucoup. I cannot believe Thomas was trying to fool me with that best buddy B.S. I knew what he was up to, but as always, I was one step ahead of him.
Georgio: You had amazing foresight to believe that Thomas would run off and hide in shame.
Gisele: Thomas has always been easy to manipulate. But that’s all over now, and I can move on with the plan now that I have Thomas’ hair.
Georgio: How much longer until preparations are complete?
Gisele: Exactly one week. And then the world will change forever.
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. The deviant has turned out to be Tom Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele. Tom Brady tried to reconcile with Gisele, but she saw through his ruse. Now that her plan is complete, she called a press conference…
Gisele: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to my press conference! I’m so glad you could all join me today because I have some very important news to share with all of you.
French Reporter: Haw haw haw, vill you be model-ing a new line of clozing, haw haw haw?
Gisele: Please save your questions at the very end, though it’s not like you’ll have the opportunity to ask them. Now, all of you may have noticed that the NFL quarterbacks have all gone bald recently. That’s because I was the one who stole all of their hair!
Gasps echo throughout the room, but Gisele quickly continued…
Gisele: Now, all of you may be wondering what I plan to do with all of this hair…
French Reporter: Haw haw haw, vill you be uzing zis hair to make your next line of closing, haw haw haw?
Gisele: I asked you not to interrupt me. I used hair from every single quarterback in the NFL in order to splice their DNA together to create the ultimate bio weapon. Ladies and gentlemen, meet my glorious creation!
Peytom Branning: RAWR!!!
Gisele: Peytom Branning is the next step in evolution. He has the strength of 32 professional athletes, including the two best quarterbacks to play over the past 15 years, Peyton Manning and my idiot ex-husband, Thomas Brady. He has Thomas’ ruthlessness – where do you think he came up with the idea to deflate those footballs? – and the media savvy of Peyton.
Peytom Branning: RAWR!!! BUY GATORADE AND BUICK PRODUCTS RAWR!!!
Gisele: Most importantly, he’s going to destroy the world, beginning with you French Reporter, because you annoyed me so very much today.
French Reporter: Haw haw haw, please no kill me, I vill miss writing about le fashion, haw haw haw!
Peytom Branning rips French Reporter into two and stuffs the upper half of his body into his mouth. He then smashes the ground, creating a rift in which all of the reporters fall into.
Gisele: Very good, Peytom Branning. Now, go destroy the rest of humanity!
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. The deviant has turned out to be Tom Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele, who unleashed a monster called Peytom Branning, who destroyed the world. Now, Tom Brady can’t do anything but seek shelter in the wilderness…
Tom Brady: Dear journal. It’s Day 53. The entire world is gone, and I fear that I’m the only one left. I hope that somewhere out there is a fellow member of my Two-Handed Gang, and he has preserved at least one Justin Bieber music video DVD. And please, if he’s out there, let him think of me while he’s touching his pee-pee and nipples while watching Justin Bieber in all his glory.
Tom Brady puts down his journal and goes outside to hunt. Tom Brady has never spent much time in the outdoors, but his football-playing abilities have served him well.
Tom Brady: Look, there’s a chicken. Maybe the last chicken left on Earth. I’m going to grab this rock and throw it at the chicken, knocking it out, so I can capture it, kill it and then eat it.
Tom Brady picks up the rock and notices that it’s too inflated. He closes his eyes and the rock magically deflates.
Tom Brady: Wow! I didn’t even need my drill, air compressor, PSI gauge or sealer! Why did I even carry those tools around?
Tom Brady launched the rock, and sure enough, it struck the chicken in the head. Tom Brady contemplates whether he should save this chicken or not, since it might be the last one in existence.
Tom Brady: I can’t! Too hungry! NOM NOM NOM NOM!!!
As Tom Brady finishes his meal, he hears some rustling coming from the bushes. Tom Brady grabs a rock and is ready to let it fly before he spots the small Asian man stepping out of the thicket. Tom Brady recognizes him immediately.
Tom Brady: Sensei Kim Jong-un! What are you doing here!?
Kim Jong-un: Come with me, Tom Brady-san. We have rots of work to do to fix pranet!
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. The deviant has turned out to be Tom Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele, who unleashed a monster called Peytom Branning, who destroyed the world. Now, Tom Brady’s only hope is learning how to fix things with the help of his sensei, Kim Jong-un…
Tom Brady: Sensei, I dressed up in the outfit you asked me to. Now, I’m ready to begin training.
Kim Jong-un: Very good, Tom Brady-san. With this new outfit you are arr ready to fix pranet!
Tom Brady: Just tell me what I need to do, sensei.
Kim Jong-un: Before we start training, you must make a stretch. Stretch arm first then regs. Make sure Kim Jong-un can see you stretching and bend over for me to show creavage.
Tom Brady: Yes, sensei!
Kim Jong-un: And one, and two, and three, good stretch arm! Now stretch reg! And one, and two, and three! Don’t forget to bend over and show butt!
Tom Brady: Yes, sensei!
Kim Jong-un: Very good, Tom Brady-san. You make great stretch! Now time for massage! Make massage me!
Tom Brady: Will do, sensei! How does that feel?
Kim Jong-un: Feer very good, Tom Brady-san! Don’t forget massage my erbow! Very preasurable for me, Tom Brady-san!
Tom Brady continued to massage Kim Jong-un. Hours later, he was exhausted and couldn’t continue on.
Tom Brady: Sensei, I can’t do this anymore. I’m exhausted. But I assumed I learned some technique that I can use as a result of me wearing this outfit, stretching and massaging you?
Kim Jong-un: No, Tom Brady-san, I must terr truth. I just want to see you in bra and stretch reg and massage erbow! Ha ha ha!
Tom Brady: Sensei, why did you waste my time!?
Kim Jong-un: No waste time! I now terr you secret to fix pranet! It have to do with defrate barr! Tom Brady-san know how to defrate barr, which become usefur to Tom Brady-san to save pranet! Come, Tom Brady-san, you have much to rearn!
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. The deviant has turned out to be Tom Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele, who unleashed a monster called Peytom Branning, who destroyed the world. Tom Brady learned the secret to saving humanity from his sensei, Kim Jong-un, so he called a press conference to make an announcement.
Tom Brady: Hey guys, thanks for joining me. I have a very important announcement to make, and I wanted everyone to hear it.
Tom Brady looked down and took a deep breath. What he was about to do was crazy, but he was the only one who could stop Peytom Branning from destroying the universe.
Tom Brady: As you can tell by my attire, I am going into space. I’ve purchased this space suit, and with the help of NASA, I’m flying into space so I can help destroy Peytom Branning. Now, you don’t all have to cheer me on at once, but I am risking my life to save everyone, so I would appreciate it if I received at least some recognition.
The room remained silent. No one knew what to say. Whispers of “what is he talking about?” were heard. Suddenly, Bill Belichick stormed into the room.
Bill Belichick: Tom, what the hell are you doing in that space suit!?
Tom Brady: Hey Coach, I’m going into outer space to save the world!
Bill Belichick: Like hell you are. We have a game on Sunday. Get out of that stupid space suit and get on the practice field for once in your life!
Tom Brady: But Coach, I need to save the world from Peytom Branning!
Bill Belichick: Who?
Tom Brady: Peytom Branning! Gisele created him, and now he’s destroying the universe!
Bill Belichick: Oh, that thing? All he did was kill a couple of reporters, but now he’s selling Buick products on street corners. He’s more annoying than any…
Tom Brady: Coach, wish me luck! I’m going up into space to stop Peytom Branning now!
Bill Belichick: Ugh… for the love of God…
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. The deviant has turned out to be Tom Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele, who unleashed a monster called Peytom Branning, who destroyed the world.
In an effort to save humanity, Tom Brady went into outer space. Days after he left, a small, bright light went dim. A couple of weeks after that, there was 24-hour darkness on Earth. Tom Brady’s rocket ship returned several weeks after that, and the Patriot quarterback called a press conference…
Tom Brady: Hey guys, thanks for joining me. I have found a way to destroy Peytom Branning once and for all!
Reporter 1: Who?
Reporter 2: You know? The guy who killed some reporters and is now trying to sell everyone Nationwide Insurance?
Reporter 1: Oh. Did he have to be destroyed? He’s not so bad.
Reporter 2: Meh, I could do without him. Let’s see what Tom Brady has to say.
Tom Brady: Guys, as you know, I’ve been guilty of deflating footballs as quarterback of the Patriots. There, I said it. And I’m not ashamed to admit it anymore. I’m not ashamed because I’m using this power to help defeat Peytom Branning. Now, you may have noticed that daylight has disappeared over the past few weeks…
Reporter 1: Tom Brady, were you the one who caused the sun to disappear!?
Tom Brady: Yes, that was me. Jupiter is gone as well. I used my skill of deflating balls to deflate both the sun and Jupiter. I’m holding those two items in my hand right now.
Gasps were heard around the room. None of the reporters knew what to ask, so Tom Brady continued…
Tom Brady: I’ve brought Peytom Branning here today so I can finally destroy him.
The back wall collapsed, and Peytom Branning rushed into the room, tossing random reporters aside.
Peytom Branning: RAWR!!! BUY SOME GATORADE TO QUENCH YOUR THIRST, RAWR!!!
Tom Brady: Peytom Branning, you’ve fallen into my trap. Now, prepare to die!
Tom Brady heaved one of the balls at Peytom Branning. Now that Brady wasn’t holding the ball, it began to inflate. It increased in size exponentially, becoming the sun everyone recognized. It quickly engulfed Peytom Branning, and the sun rose back into the sky, where it belonged. Suddenly, Gisele appeared.
Gisele: No! My precious creation!
Tom Brady: And this ball, Jupiter, is for you, Gisele!
Tom Brady fired Jupiter at Gisele, which began to do the same thing as the sun. However, Georgio jumped in front of Gisele to save his master.
Georgio: I love you, Gisele! Please call my brother Hans so he can do your hair from now on!
Gisele: NO, GEORGIO!
Jupiter engulfed Geogrio and then flew up into the sky, following the sun.
Gisele: I’ll get you next time, Thomas! Next time!
Gisele pulled a potion out of her vest and threw it onto the floor. A red door appeared, and she quickly stepped into it. Tom Brady ran after her, but as the door shut, it completely disappeared.
Tom Brady: Darn it, she got away. But at least Peytom Branning is finally gone!
Reporter 1: Uhh… that’s a good thing, right?
Reporter 2: I don’t know. Maybe?
Tom Brady has averted suspension for deflating footballs by accepting Roger Goodell’s offer: Help him find the criminal who is destroying the NFL by shaving the heads of all quarterbacks. The deviant has turned out to be Tom Brady’s ex-wife, Gisele, who unleashed a monster called Peytom Branning, who destroyed the world. Fortunately, Tom Brady used his skills to deflate the sun, which destroyed Peytom Branning. Gisele escaped, but the mission was still accomplished. Roger Goodell and Tom Brady held a joint press conference in New York…
Roger Goodell: Hello, everyone.
Everyone: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Roger Goodell: Thanks for being h…
Everyone: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Roger Goodell: Go, New York!
Everyone: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Roger Goodell: That’s it! Taking a page out of Joffrey Baratheon’s book, I’ll have all your heads on spikes if you keep booing me!!!
Everyone: …
Roger Goodell: Thank you. I’m pleased to present Tom Brady, who was able to solve the quarterback baldness issue and stop Peytom Branning from destroying the world with his horrible advertisements. Ladies and gentlemen, the man of the hour not named Roger Goodell, Tom Brady!
Tom Brady: Hey guys, thanks you, thank you. I’m so glad I finally stopped Peytom Branning. Now, with Roger Goodell’s promise, I get to play with all of the deflated footballs I want.
Roger Goodell: Promise? Ha! Joffrey Baratheon doesn’t live up to his promises, and neither will I! I will cut off your tongue or your hands, fool. Choose! Tongue or hands!
Tom Brady: Stop it, Roger, or I’ll spoil Game of Thrones for you.
Roger Goodell: Nooooo, OK, even though I know the ending, which is that Joffrey will kill everyone, but don’t do that please! I’ll stop.
Tom Brady: Glad that’s been resolved. At any rate, all of this has taught me something. I’ve been playing with deflated footballs, but when I deflated the sun and Jupiter to stop Peytom Branning, I realized that deflating is serious business.
Roger Goodell: So, does that mean you won’t be using deflated balls?
Tom Brady: Yeeaaaahhh, no. I love deflated balls too much. I love to touch soft balls… caress soft balls… kiss soft balls… mmm…
The Adventures of Tom Brady's Haircuts: 2019 | 2018 | 2017 | 2016 | 2015 | 2014 | 2013 | 2012
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