Last update: Sometime in the month of 2014. Next update: Who in God name would update the mark draft lot of time?
I'm really glad Emmitt's on Twitter. Once in a while, I get to a read a tweet like, "Here come's Mr. Woods. He's on his game today.This."
The way the sentence just ends with the word "this." The way the word "come" becomes possessive. It just brings a smile to the faces of those who follow Emmitt, which is crucial in this dreary world we live in.
Unfortunately, it's not the same as having Emmitt on TV. And as I've vowed, until someone hires him, I'll continue to pump out these Emmitt Mocks.
This is what a 2014 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously. But please read it - Emmitt put blood, sweat and cry into it.
Baltimore Ravens: Jake Matthews, WR, Texas A&M
Jake Matthews: The great school of Texas America & Mexico have two great receiver: Evans Mike and Jake Matthews. The Web sight NFL.coms have Matthews weigh 300 lbs and lbs stand for pounds even though he do not have the same alphabet as pounds. This always confuse me. Very confuse. Pnd should stand for pounds and lbs should stand for libs.
The point of this entrance is that Jake Matthews very fat, but do not be fool. This a new breathe of receiver. Player always get bigger, and Matthews no acception. Soon almost every receiver in the National Football of Leagues going to be 300 pnd and then some guy going to be 400 pnd and he going to debacle everybody.
New York Jets: Calvin Benjamin, WR, Florida
The Jets battle me. I do not understand how Ryan Rex got this team to eight win in the last month. The Jet look like one of the worstest team in football in the free season, but he somehow win eight game. Ryan doing it with smoke and fires right now, but you know what they say about smoke and fires. One hot - and the other one more hot!
Unfortunately, the Jet do not have a receiver. This why Calvin Benjamin deserve a shot. Calvin Benjamin sound like the former President of the United States, Benjamin Franklins, but do not be deceive - Calvin Benjamin not the long-lost grandson of Benjamin Franklin. This because Benjamin Franklin invent thunder, and Calvin Benjamin not even aware of this when I tolded him about his possible incestor.
Miami Dolphins: Zack Martin, OG/OT, Notre Dame
I no longer talker on the TV, so I need to give my opinion on the bully scandals. When I play with the Cowboy, practical joke a part of the locker room culture. For examples, Michael Irving once say, "Emmitt, you need to help that old lady cross the road." He seem to be telling the truth because she was moving real slow. But it turn out that he was telling the false because the old lady turn out to be alligator, and he almost eat me! Everybody laugh, but I also laugh at myselves because it was practical joke.
This what Jonathan Martin do not understand. If the teammates do not love him and treat him like brother and sister, they not going to play practical joke on himselves! They just going to leaves him alone!
If the Dolphin want to stop this none sense, they gonna draft Jonathan Martin brother-in-law, Zack Martin. And brother-in-law is like a brother except the law also involve, so it serious. Very serious.
Arizona Cardinals: A.J. Murray, QB, Georgia
The Cardinal have some great player. Larry Fitzpatrick one of the best receiver in the league of football. Malcolm Floyd really coming on. Andrew Ellington also good too. Patrick Peterson is beast on defense, though he not a good running back like his brother Adrian Peters. So why do the Cardinal not make the doggone playoff? Because of quarterback position.
Carlson Palmer is old. He recently celebrate his 50nd birthday, which mean he about to have his Metlife crisis. The stadium where the Giant and Jet play is also call Metlife Crisis Field, so maybe the Cardinal going to trade Palmer to the Giant or Jet. Probably the Jet because the Giant also have a quarterback who getting long in the mouth.
Green Bay Packers: West Richboro, C, Colorado
I do not know if you awareness, but I am a member of the exclusive web sight call Twitter. I write thing and people read them. It is a lot of fun. I also read what other people write too, and I see what Aaron Rodger write sometime. Rodger very negative sometime, especially when the ESPN talker Todd Shay talking. Rodger say he have no credit ability. Be warn, Rodger, for he who cast the first stone also cast a magic spell.
Rodger going to find it difficult to play football this year because his center and my cousin Evan Dietrich-Smith III Jr. go away to Tampa Bay. I know this because he call me when he sign with the Buc and ask, "Emmitt, do I need to worry about debacling anything in Tampa Bay?" And I tolded him that Tampa a great city so he do not need to worry about debacling because even if he do, things going to undebacle themselves.
But I digest. Rodger need a new center, especially because the center mean that he play in the middle of the line, and the middle seem more important than the left and the... uhh... the not left.
Philadelphia Eagles: Brandon Cook, WR, Oregon
When DeShawn Johnson sign with the Redskin, I so surprise that the eyeball almost pop out of my socks. This comed out of nowhere and DeShawn one of the best receiver in the conference of national. Then I read about how the coach do not like DeShawn because he a cripple. It is amazing to me that DeShawn play so good despite being cripple. It almost like the coach take a gun and stab DeShawn and other cripple in the back.
The Eagle need a new receiver because Jeremy Malcolm never going to play and Riley Copper probably going to get shot for saying racist thing again. But the Eagle like racist because Coach Chips racist against cripple people.
Brandon Cook is interesting name. Even if he fail in football, he can cook for Eagle. And he play for Coach Chips in the city of Oregon when Coach Chips was college coach.
Kansas City Chiefs: Zach Matt Burger, QB, LSU
Do anybody feel like Andy Reed cutting off his nose despite his face? He about to give Alex Smith a big contract, but Alex Smith not any good. And I'm not just saying this because he not relationed to me and his family stolened the last name from my family. OK, maybe I will be telling the false if I do not say this brother me a little bit!
Alex Smith have a weak arm, small hand and strange religion. He from the country of Utah, where a religion call Mormont take place. In Mormont they say a man have to have 12 wifes. I love my wive with all my heart, but I cannot imagine having two dozens wife. A man gonna go crazy if one wive telling him to take out trash, another wive telling him to clean the glutters and another wive telling him to chop down tree to make fireplace have fire inside. It is no wonderful that Alex Smith have small hand because he always chopping down tree!
The Chief need to draft quarterback. Zach Matt Burger somebody to consider because his Styamese Twin. He have two name and four arm so maybe one of those arm will be better than Smith arm.
Cincinnati Bengals: Kony Island, DE, Missouri
People have strange name. For instant, Michael Jackson recently move from the Bengal to the Buc. If I had a parent who have a son first name Michael, call me craziness, but I am not going to name my son's last name Jackson because this very controversial. Michael Jackson was once a singer but then someone poisonous him and he die at his wedding. Everybody think his uncle did it, but he small and cannot reach cup. So whenever I hear Michael Jackson getting a sack, I'm thinking about who poisonous the real Michael Jackson!
Kony Island also strange name as well. There is a island name Kony in Africa where you can buy good hot dog. You can also buy good hot dog in the convenient store too. I do not get when people say they going to Kony Island to buy hot dog. Why drive all the way to Africa if you can just go to the convenient store and buy hot dog. It so easy that it is... uhh... I forget the word that start with C and mean easy.
Kony Island make sense for the Bengal because he losted Michael Jackson. One strange name can be replace with another strange name if he both play same positions. I bet the Bengal hoping that Kony Island do not drive to Kony Island for hot dog, or he might miss game!
San Diego Chargers: Tyler Lewan, OT, Michigan
I was at lost for word when I see Philip River play football last month. He was so bad in other month but now he play gooder. What happen! Some folk say he have a better coach, but Nort Turner one of the bestest coaches in the football of conference national. He coach me when I play for the Cowboy, and not only do he have a big hand in my successfulness. He have two hand in the successfulness!
Maybe how River play was a fluke. I am willing to bet this what happens. The chance of River playing good without Coach Nort again is like being struck by thunder twice in a row. It simply do not happen!
The Charger do not draft a offense linemen for a long time. Maybe he going to try to rule the dice but chance are that he going to draft a linemen. Maybe Tyler Lewan from Michigan going to work. Lewan good blocker, but he sometime have mental laps when he play. Laps when you go back and force, so maybe this not bad thing.
Cleveland Browns: Carl Hyde, RB, Ohio State
The Brown always have great running back on the team. First, he have Gail Sayer. He real fast. Then, he have James Brown, and he so good the Brown name his team after hisselves. Then Walter Payton Manning play for the Brown, and he real good too but not as good as James Brown, who now talker on TV for CVS.
Unfortunate, the Brown do not have a good running back now. Fortunate, he can draft Carl Hyde, the power runny guy from Ohio State College. Hyde my favorite running back in this mark draft. He power runny guy, so he have power. This mean he strong and run with powerful. Very powerful.
I make a controversy state: James Brown better watch out! While he talk on TV, Carl Hyde gonna run good. He gonna run so good that the Brown gonna rename himselves the Cleveland Hyde.
New Orleans Saints: Jace Camaro, TE, Texas Tech
This may not be a populous pick, but the pick that end up being right in the mark draft is the one that is not populous. But this have to do with the new rule in the national league of football.
Why Roger Goldman always making bad rule? Player cannot dunk after scoring touchdown, so the Saint may cut Jimmy Grants because he can no longer dunk ball. Why would Saint want him if Grant cannot dunk and score two point?
Jace Camaro would be a find replacement, but I have another question: Why do Jace Camaro parent misspellt his name wrong? It supposed to be spellt J-A-C-O-N but he forget the N and O and add E instead. This very stupid!
Carolina Panthers: O.J. McCrappon, QB Alabama
The Panther obviously going with a new quarterback in this mark draft because he obviously do not like Cam Norton or else he not getting rid of all his receivers away. The Panther plan obviously have Cam Norton fail so he obviously in the mark for another quarterback. O.J. McCrappon obviously can look good next month when he obviously adding receiver to the roster. And this very obviously.
Why do the Panther hate Norton so much? It is because the NFL Draft analysis Nolan Norocko say Norton have fake smiles. At first the Panther do not believe but now he believe. Some folk say Norocko racism against black folk for saying these. And I agree with that sentencement. Now, Norocko say Johnny Football bad thing like he drunk, drug dealer and primo donald. This mean Norocko also racism against white folk too!
O.J. McCrappon won lot of game at Alabama State. He also have pretty girlfriend and talker on TV Brent Mustardburger want to have sexual with herselves.
New England Patriots: Teddy Waterbridge, QB, Louisville
Some folk sound surprise when the Patriot meet with a bunch of quarterback in the month of spring. I am not very surprise. Tom Brady tell coach Bill Billick that he do not want to play anymore because his wive tell him he cannot. His wive not very good for himselves because she make him dress like woman, have haircut like Justin Beaver and talk to dog. Ever since he got marriage, his career going down the sink.
Beside, there are some very good quarterback who available at the end of the fifth round of the mark draft. One such quarterback name Teddy Waterbridge. He sound like the other quarterback from Louisville who name Teddy Waterfall, but he different because he have "bridge" in his last names in stead of "water." And you know what they say about water being under the bridge - it mean that the bridge is over the water!
San Francisco 49ers: Jon Gruding, Coach
We hear some sad news in the season of March. Mike Flowers from Pro Talk Football report that John Harball die from alien. Talker on Twitter Ivan Rasport say Harball do not die, but Flowers very arrogant when he say Harbaugh die from alien. Flowers always right because he the guy who report talker on TV Todd Bradshaw also die. Bradshaw still talker on TV but he a zombie. I do not read the Flowers article but I imagine alien come down from spaceshift and obstruct the coach from his own house. They fire laser at coach and Harball got blowed up.
Harball cannot coach 49s because he got blowned up. If he a zombie it is OK but he in pieces. That is why the San Francisco gonna spend a draft pick on a coach name Jon Gruding.
Gruding also talker on TV too. He always comed up with nicked name for player. He call Walter Payton Manning The Sheriff, Drew Bleeds The Virgin even though he kidnap baby and Todd Bradshaw Zombine Folk.
Denver Broncos: Bishop Thank You, RB, Washington
The Bronco make the doggone playoff and reach the Super Game, but he end up losting to the Seahawk. Now the Bronco lost some of his player, including No Shawn Marino. Marino was great running back and will be in Hall of Flame, but he retire because when he cry when the Star Spangler Banter was playing, he realize that he sadness. Very sadness. So he go on a mission to find himselves.
Luckily, the Bronco can have a new running back in the mark draft. The best running back who not goed to a team yet is Bishop Thank You from Washington C.D. He a real quick running back and he politness. Very politeness. Whenever he score touched down, he always say "Your Welcome" to other team. Some folk think he very arrogance by doing these, but I think it is very admiral. You do not see politeness folk nowdays.
Seattle Seahawks: Jared Abracadabra, WR, Wisconsin
The coach for the Seahawk, Pete Carl, gotta make sure everything status quote for the team if they want to win the Super Game one more times. Let look ourselfs. Quarterback is status quote with Russell Wilkens, though he try to become basketball player. Running back status quote because Marchel Lynch is a strong runny guy. Defense status quote because Richard Charming still can play good and my brother, Malcolm Smith VII Sr. still on the death chart. Offense line status quote even though I do not knowed who the block folk are.
But then we get to wide receiver position and he not status quote! The Seahawk still have Golden State, Jevon Kearse and Sid Rice, but none of those guy good because my former college Chris Crafter say so. The Seahawk probably gonna draft Jared Abracadabra. He real good. He also use magic trick. He pull a bat out of a rabbit, he play card, and he make a person die.
I would like to thank WalterFootballs.com Web sight for letting me post my mark. Believe not, it is one of the highlight of my month. I cannot wait until next month when good quarterback like James Wilkens, brother of Ruskell Wilkens, and Marcus Marioti, uncle of Jay Marioti talker on TV come to the league of football. They both gonna be good, and my mark draft gonna be gooder, so until then, this have been Emmitt Smith, and God blessed and good luck.