Last update: Sometime in the month of 2015. Next update: Who in God name would update the mark draft lot of time?
I have to say that I'm extremely disappointed. I just checked Emmitt Smith's Twitter feed for some posts like this beauty from two years ago: "Here come's Mr. Woods. He's on his game today.This." Unfortunately, I found no posts with grammatical errors in the past three months.
Emmitt has done a great job of cleaning up his grammatical issues since his TV days, but that doesn't mean we can't pretend that he's still debacling the English language. I've vowed that until someone hires him, I'll continue to pump out these Emmitt Mocks, so they will continue, despite his impressive (and disappointing) improvement in terms of using words correctly.
This is what a 2015 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith created one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously. But please read it - Emmitt put his blood, sweat and cry into it.
San Diego Chargers: Bryce Pretty, QB, Baylor
Phillips Rivers say he do not want to play football anymore and I do not blamed him. With all the concussion scary that going on right now I would be hard impressed to play football right now! Concussion very scary. The doctor say that if you get three concussion you might die and if you get six concussion the government can control your body and mind and make you do thing you do not want to do. If the government control me, he gonna make me eat broccoli because I do not like broccoli at all very much!
With Rivers going on retire, the Charger need a new quarterback to step in and take the rain. That could be Bryce Pretty, who a good quarterback but have a very strange last name. In fact, I do not understand what his parent was think. Pretty is not a good name for a quarterback in the National League Conference of Football America, so the parent must wanted Bryce Pretty to be a guy who sell flower or a hair dresser, a guy who put clothes on hair.
Kansas City Chiefs: Jail Strong, WR, Arizona State
I could not believe my mouth when I heard the crazy statistical about the Chief wide receiver. Now, before I type this on my computertop, make sure you standing up for this. The Chief do not have a single wide receiver who catch a touched down pass in 10 year!!!
It go without sayings that the Chief really need helps at the wide receiver. Maybe they gonna try to draft Jail Strong like I has in my mark draft. Jail Strong is very power like his last name say. His first name very devious. Jail, of course, mean the guy where bad guy go when they go to jail. They lock up behind bars, and we not talking about the bars you go to if you want to drink an alcoholism.
I really confuse though. What is the different between jail and prism. Are they antonym and mean the same thing? Or is prism worstor than jail? Maybe in prism you don't get sexuals in the backside when you drop a bar of soap in the show. And by bar of soap I do not mean the alcoholism place again also.
Cleveland Browns: T.J. Yell, RB, Alabama
The Brown watch Johnny Manzella fail last month, but maybe there are a reason for that. Maybe he fail because he do not have a great running back to lean on. And by lean on I mean the metasaurus lean on not the literature one. I do not accept Johnny Manzella to actually lean on a player during football game unless he real drunked!
If the Brown want Johnny Footballs to succeed, he gonna get him a good running back. And not just a running back; a good running back. Everybody know the running back are the most important position on the field. The quarterback always get all the exclaim but the running back, he the one who make everything works. The quarterback like the Queen of Zealand - she a royalty but she only just a finger head.
Philadelphia Eagles: Marcus Mariota, QB, Oregon
This seem familiar. Do Marcus Mariota already draft in my mark draft? I cannot remember for the light of me. Can somebody please check if I already slot Marcus Mariogi in my mark draft? And by check I do not mean the paper you write number on and give it to guy and you magically pay for somethings. Do I give Marelle to Bill? Brown? Texas? Other team that need quarterback I already forgetted all other team on NFAL.
I almost do not give Mariota to the Eagles, believe it or so. I listen to Chip Kelly and he say the Eagle do not want to take out mortgage from local bank to trade up for Mariota. This very concern, because do the Chip actually want Mariosa or he just blufting? Something tell me that Chip Kelly have a face up his sleeve.
Cincinnati Bengals: Rashard Perryman, WR, Central Florida
There some controversial with the Bengal, in particularness Andy Dalton. Some critic say that Andy Dalton will never win a Super Bowl championship because he have red hair. This a very disgusting thing to say. If you believe these to be true, then you racism. Like Martin Luther King Jr. the III once say, it is not the context of the color of the man hair but how good he play football. Andy Dalton play football good, so why do his hair color matter at all?
What Andy Dalton need the mostest is a receiver. Somebody like Rashard Perryman. His father Denzel Perryman play in the NFAL a long time ago. And his brother Rashard Mendenhalls also play in the NFAL a long time ago too also as well too. They both was good player.
One more note on Rashard Perryman: The college he go to very mist leading. The school call Central Florida but the country of Florida do not have a real center. It only have a up or down and the left at the up call the pants handle.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Nick Beasley, DE/OLB, Clemson
I was taken on back when the Steeler sign Jerome Harrison last month. Then he play, and it was like a flash from the passed. It was like I was watching Back to the Future, the movie where that guy go back in the future and try to stop the disappearing virus from erasing himselves and his friend Alberto Einstein.
The Steeler obviously need to do something on this. Why not draft Nick Beasley, who certainly show he can get to the quarterback when he play at Clemson State. I always like the name Nick too also, you can always trust people who name Nick. That is why I almost name my son Nick Emmitt Smith IV the Jr. III. But the line for the birth gift certificate did not allow so many letter so I reluctancy drop the name Nick.
Detroit Lions: Malcolm Brown, DT, Texas
I been doing these mark draft for so long that I remember marking Donkey Kong Suh to the Lion in my 2005 mark draft, which was like five year ago already! But like the old saying go, time flies by when you having fun but then you gotta swat the flies with fly swapper.
Malcolm Brown a good replacing for Donkey Kong, who take his talent to Southern Beach to play for the Dolphin. The Dolphin overpay as far as I am concert. Donkey Kong a good player, but are he worth $500 million? I am hesitant to say no. But he now gone, so he need to be replace maybe with the best defensive tackle in the draft, Malcolm Brown.
Malcolm Brown, for those of you who do not know, the son of Malcolm X. Malcolm X was the twin cousin of Martin Luther King Jr. III the Sr., the guy who say he have a dream because he take too many sleeping pill. This mean the Lion better make sure Malcolm Brown do not take sleeping pill, or he gonna end up like his twin uncle! So no Tylenthrol or Anvil PS for Malcolm X Brown!
Arizona Cardinals: Cardealer Jones, QB, Ohio State
The Phoenix Cardinal was unstopples last month. He did not even lose a game for a long time. He look so invisible that I thought he gonna win the championship for sure! But then disaster strike, and not just strike. It was strike one, strike two, strike four, you strike out in basketball!
Carlson Palmer get injury way too easy. He like the sign you often see on box, the one that say fraggle. This mean that when you drop the box, you might break what is inside box or even outside box! Palmer same way. If you drop him, he might break his ACL or get heart attack or lung attack!
This why the Cardinal need to bring in a new quarterback. I was very impress with Cardealer Jones in the first high school football doggone playoff. He beat Oregon State and Alabama State to reach the championship, where he beat the other team. He look real good. The only reason he go this low is because he do not have much expriment under his belt. That is what the draft expert say anyway. With that on mind, Cardealer Jones need to get to the mall and buy a new belt - one with a lot of experiment on it!
Carolina Panthers: Phillip Dorsett Jr., WR, Miami
I feeling real old right now. In fact, I feeling so old that you can't even explain the oldness I am feeling right now. This because I am marking Phillip Dorsett Jr. to the Panther and I remember the day Phillip Dorsett Jr. was born. Tony Dorsett and I- I mean Tony Dorsett and myselves use to be bestest friend. He came to me the day his son came into this whirl. He ask, "Emmitt I can't think of name for my son, do you have idea?" I think about it for a year and then I comed back to Tony and say, "Tony my good friend, I think you should name your son Phillip Dorsett Jr. after his father because his father a great man." So Tony follow my adviced and name his son Phillip Dorsett Jr.
It make me real happy to mark Phillip Jr. in the first round. I almost like a surgical father to himselves. He gonna be a real big help to the Panther because Cam Norton do not have good receiver to throw to beside Calvin Benjamin Franklin. He no relationed to former President of the United America U.S. Benjamin Franklin, who invent the lightning bolt.
Baltimore Ravens: Camerson Artist-Pain, RB, Auburn
I could not believe my eye when I seened the video tape of Ray Rice and the women in the elevator of the airport. I cannot believe Ray kidnap that women and then punch her to take her lunch money. If he willing to kidnap her why not just steal her pursed in the first place and not just the second place? Kidnap and punch and steal lunch money just adding insult to Band-Aid.
Ray Rice go to prism and so do Bernard Price because he drive while alcoholism, so the Raven need new running back. This time for Camerson Artist-Pain to get draft. What more is there to say about this guy? He artist, which mean he draw picture, and he in pain, which mean he need to take two Anvil pill while he eat dinner. You have to eat Anvil when you eat food, but you cannot Tylasol after you drink alcoholism so Bernard Price probably not gonna be eating Tylesol for dinner!
Dallas Cowboys: Emmitt Smith IV Jr. the III Sr., RB, Gator
It is a tradionals like any other. But I am not referring to the golf game call the Mastersons where guy who play golf play in August, the sexism golf club that do not allow shemale to play golf with the guy because they closet homosexual and only want guy. That is great traditionals but I am talking about a traditionals that is different than that one.
My traditional is marking my son, my fruit of my loom, Emmitt Smith IV Jr. the III Sr. the V to the Cowboy in my mark draft. The Cowboy do not have a great running back since they lost your truthly. They try a bunch of running back. Troy Hamstone no good. Felix William struggle. Julio Jones no good. Maria Barber a girl. Demarcus Murray have his shining moment last week, but he a splash in the pan. He also goned to the rival Eagle, so the Cowboy need a new running back anyway.
I been doing this mark draft for eight month in a row now so I do not knowed how many time I keep exploring to Jerry Johnson that the Cowboy need my son. My son finally old enough to play on NFL, he maybe 21 or 22 year old, I can't remember for the lives of me when he borned. But he a good prospectus at the running back position and I swear he gonna live up to the family name.
Denver Broncos: Devin Bunchess, TE, Michigan
Peyton Manning look real old when he losted to the Colt in the doggone playoff. If I didn't know any better, I would say he my age, which mean he... uhh... I forgotted what age I am right now, let me check my driver license. OK, my driver license say I was borned in 1969 which mean I am uhh... 55 year old. Wow, I am so old I cannot believe how old I becomed in a flinch of an eye!
Peyton Manning 55 year old so he need some new weapon to make him feel like he found the Water Fountain of Youths. This a mystical water fountain that make you youngness every time you drinked from it but you probably need to stay in line like in grade school when you waiting for the water fountain. This very annoying, which is why most people get old and die because they do not want to wait on the line!
Devin Bunchess gonna make Eli Manning feel real young. Almost like he in his 30s again. Ah, I remember when I was in my 30s, the good old century of the 1980s. I can't believe we already in the 21st millenium! Like I already say, life splashing before my very eye!
Indianapolis Colts: Stephanie Anthony, ILB, Clemson
It is a great honor to mark Stephanie Anthony to the Colt on my mark draft. Stephanie Anthony trying to becomed the first shemale football player to ever play on the NFLUS. I was very surprise when I hear this. She gonna be a pioneer like Christopher Columbus Day who was the first man to ever set foot on America soil. Or maybe like Lewis Clark the guy who explore Oregon and then play for the Oregon Duck in Chip Kelly offense. I remember playing football with himselves in the good ole 1980s. What a great century.
But I digest. I real proud of Stephanie and will be root for her to success. Very success. Shemale come a long way in our country. Shemale at first no can even vote for the president. Not shemale can vote, eat and join the military and serve food to our country. It almost bring a tear to my nose that the shemale work so hard to come so far and now she gonna even play football. I just hope that no guy gonna try to grab her sexual when he try to tackle her.
Green Bay Packers: Sam Decker, SF, Westconsin
I has to admit that I has been watching a li-bit of the NCAA National Basketball Tournament Challenge, so I seened Westconsin make a run to the Basketball Super Bowl. This very surprise to me because I did not know Westconsin had basketball team but then I realize that Milwaukee Bucks move from the city of Milwaukee to the city of Westconsin and change his name to the Honey Badger.
The camera show Aaron Rogers in the stand cheering for a guy name Sam Decker, who the long-lost twin brother of Eric Decker. Sam Decker look like he can play receiving but then I look up his position on the Interweb and it say he SF. What do SF stand for? Small fullback maybe? This do not make sense though. Maybe SF stand for small flanker. That are more likely.
Aaron Rogers for his birthday Christmas presence probably want Sam Decker on his teammate to play small flanker even though he big guy. This is what is call iron. Iron is like the Atlantis Narset song where the guy go on a plane and the plane explosion.
Seattle Seahawks: Abeer Abdullah, RB, Nebraska
I do not know why for the lives of me the Saint have this pick. The pick that second to lastest always go to the team that got defeat in the Football Super Bowl. This was the Seahawk, I even saw it with my own two hands. So I make a change in my mark draft. I advice Roger Goldman to do the same. I even e-mail Roger Goldman just now at email@example.com but I instant get email back from demon in my mailbox so I close my Interweb as fast as possibles!
I knowed the Seahawk losted the Football Super Bowl because I remember Marchel Lynch not get football at the gold line. This surprise me. Very surprise. Marchel a good running back who run good. He run good on the last play before that intersection but then the head coach Carol Williams decide that Marchel got long in the mouth so he ask his quarterback Ruskell Wilkens to throw and he got a afford mention pass intersection.
Carol Williams need a new running back who not long in the mouth, so Abeer Abdullah fit the bill. Abeer name after the Muslamic god Abeer, who the god of lightning bolt. No wait that is Appollo 13 from the Greek legend. Too bad the Greek people all die off like 50,000 year ago.
New England Patriots: No Pick!
I refuse to give a pick to the Patriot. That is because they dirty rotten no good cheetas.
If you been living under a rock or a ballder, the Patriot cheat to get to Football Super Bowl. Bill Billick order the equipment guy to put 500 CPU into the football to make them flattened. Football only suppose to have like 16 CPU so Patriot have 16 plus 500 CPU. I use calculator to find answer to this riddle so 16 plus 500 CPU equal 8,000 CPU. That happen to be a lot of CPU!
So what do it mean if a football have a lot of CPU? It mean that the football can explosion when anybody touch it. It like a game my old gym coach use to make the little boy and girl play. We throw a ball around like a hot potato and when somebody drop it he or she or it have to shovel the hot potato into your backside and then the old gym coach touch himselves in no-no special place real quick. He recently got under the arrest and he now in prism, I wonder what he do.
This is it for my mark draft. I do not understand why we stop after 36 pick. There are 37 team on the NFLA so I trying to figure out which team I mist. I been recking by brain trying to figures this out and now I got a head attack. So I going to go lie down. God blessed and good luck with your mark draft, and I will see you all in the next month, 2016, where I will be talking about a guy from Ohio State name Joey Boss, who was in the movie, Who the Boss?