The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Two years later, the Patriots are coming off the first 19-0 season in NFL history.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow the 2015 New England Patriots as they traverse the 2015 NFL season under Emmitt's guidance. This page will be updated every Saturday during the real 2010 NFL season.
Emmitt Smith name head coach of the New Zealand Patriots on 2015!
PATRIOTS LOSE VALUABLE MEMBER OF TEAM
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 8, 2015
Jerry Jones wasn't kidding when he said that JaMarcus Russell and the Patriots hadn't heard the last of him.
During the past three days, Jones has been in secret meetings with NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. On Wednesday afternoon, Goodell told the media to come to his mansion for a press conference; if they failed to comply, they would suffer what Goodell called "an unfortunate fate."
"Jerry Jones agreed to build a platinum and diamond statue for me if I made a rule change," Goodell said. "That rule change is that all NFL water boys must weigh 600 pounds or less. That basically means that the Patriots are screwed because JaMarcus Russell is way over that mark. Sorry, Bob Kraft. Maybe next time you should offer me more than a French fry from Arby's. Let this be a lesson to all NFL owners - I'm interested in statues of myself; not food."
Goodell is correct regarding Russell. Russell currently weighs 723 pounds, so unless he can quickly lose 124 pounds, his days as New England's water boy are apparently over.
This news hit the Russell home pretty hard. Russell's mother was currently unaware that her son was serving as the Patriots' water boy. She called a press conference of her own.
"No son of mine is gonna serve wata to any foos-ball players," said Mama Russell. "Foos-ball? Buncha overgrown monsters man-handlin' each other..."
When told that Russell saved the Patriots on three occasions, Mama Russell shrugged the notion off, calling the reporter "the devil."
"The Patriots gonna lose all their fancy foos-balls games," Mama Russell continued. "My boy don't have what they call 'the social skills.' That's why he never have any friends, 'cept fo' his mama."
Russell was in tears upon hearing his mother's harsh words. He addressed the media after having some of Mama Russell's snake knee for dinner.
"Uhh... I tink my momma say I can no can give water to player no more..." Russell said. "I like giving water to player and eat Skittle, but now I can only eat Skittle and uhh... no give water to player... do ya tink so?"
Emmitt, who is usually confident in his team's ability to overcome adversity, expressed some concern in the wake of Russell's departure.
"Jermichael Russell have been a valuable comedy to the Patriot ball club for a very long time, almost a year at this point in times," Emmitt said. "He have been givin' water to the player, and without water, the blood can't circumvate through the pipe in the body. And when that happen, people get thirsty. And not just thirsty. Real, real thirsty."
In the wake of Russell's absence, defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel was voted as the temporary water boy. He'll have to hydrate the 4-0 Patriots against the New York Giants while serving his usual role as the defensive play-caller.
"I love cookies, hehe," Crennel said. "They said they would give me cookie cookie for giving water to the players. Cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie cookie, hehe."
Given Crennel's love for cookies, the Patriots should see if they can get their defensive coordinator to assume a few other roles in his exchange for his favorite snack.
PATRIOTS GET RUSSELL BACK; LOSE ANOTHER
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Oct. 12, 2015
Four days after learning that JaMarcus Russell was too overweight to be the team's water boy, the Patriots were able to reacquire Russell - in a completely different capacity. This move, however, was at the expense of another member of the franchise.
It all started in the third quarter of a scoreless game. Ahmad Bradshaw, who received all 15 of the Giants' carries in the first half, was 30 seconds late out of the locker room after intermission. An enraged Tom Coughlin benched Bradshaw for a play, opting to go with seldom-used reserve Brandon Jacobs.
Unfortunately for the Giants, Jacobs fumbled the ball, which was returned by Patriots linebacker Jermaine Cunningham for what would be the game-winning touchdown.
Jacobs approached the sideline, but was heckled by the fans.
"They called me a 'doo-doo head' and a 'pee-pee brain,'" Jacobs said after the game. "It really hurt my feelings, especially when they suggested that I still wet my bed. I mean, it happens to the best of us sometimes, right?"
After 15 minutes of abuse, Jacobs ran to the locker room. He then came back out onto the field five minutes later, carrying a quiver and a torch. Jacobs then lit the arrows inside his quiver and fired about a dozen flaming arrows into the stands.
"I didn't mean to do it," Jacobs said. "I swear, it was an accident - just like that time that I accidentally tossed my helmet into the stands five years ago. I swear I didn't do that on purpose either. Bad things just happen to sail out of my hands and into the crowd. This time it was flaming arrows. Maybe next time it'll be some C4. People just gotta be careful."
Fortunately, no one was hurt in the flaming arrows "accident." As the flaming arrows sailed toward the terrified hecklers, they suddenly took a sharp turn and flew toward the Patriots sideline. They aimed straight for Crennel, but instead of hitting him, they began circling around him.
"Romeo Crennel is so massive that his gravity drew in the 12 flaming arrows," said the NFL Bible Network's chief physicist. "Essentially, Crennel now has 12 moons circling his body."
Crennel didn't seem bothered by his 12 new satellites.
"Cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, cookie, hehe," Crennel said during his press conference while enjoying a box of chocolate chip cookies.
Emmitt, however, wasn't as calm, citing that the flaming arrows posed a safety issue for the team.
"Romeo Caramel now have 12 unflammatory arrow goin' round his body," Emmitt said. "Sometime in our history, the moon have fallened out of the sky. If that happen with Oreo, and the unflammatory arrow fall out of the body like the moon, it have a chance to light somethin' on fire, and then we need to have a hose, but sometime people don't carry a hose around with them all the times. I only carry a hose around with me on Wednesdays and sometimes Friday."
After Emmitt met with Robert Kraft at the local Arby's for a couple of hours, the Patriots announced that Crennel would have to step down to keep anyone from getting hurt. Crennel agreed as long as the Patriots built him a house on Cookie Mountain. Kraft complied with Crennel's demands, and Crennel walked out of Gillette Stadium beaming.
So, who's going to replace Crennel as the defensive coordinator? Emmitt answered that as Crennel carried endless boxes of cookies out to his car.
"JaMarcus Anderson have been named the defensive coordination," Emmitt said. "Roger Goldman say that water boy have to be under a certain weightfulness. But that is not true for defensive coordination. And defensive coordination sometime give water to the players too as well."
It's true. Well, not the part about defensive coordinators handing out water to the players. If Roger Goodell institutes a weight ceiling for defensive coordinators, half the league's coaches would be out of a job.
Russell quickly took the gig, but asked everyone to keep this news from his mother, who was hunting alligators at the moment.
"Uhh... I tink I very happy," Russell said. "I was eat Skittle on couch... then I get telegram from Patriots... they say they give me water job and other job for more Skittle... do ya tink so?"
We're not sure if Russell knows anything about defensive play-calling, but we do know one thing - the New England will be properly hydrated next Sunday.