Emmitt on the Brink – Season 6: Week 3

Emmitt on the Brink.

The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.

This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter’s perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.

Of course, you can always look at all of Emmitt’s quotes in the Emmitt Smith Anthology.

Emmitt Smith 2015 New England Patriots head coach.

Emmitt Smith announce his unretirement!

BROWNS SHOCK NFL WITH ANOTHER TRADE

By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network
Thursday, Sept. 20, 2018

It’s safe to say that the Browns have been on the short end of some lopsided trades throughout the years. They made a blockbuster move in the NFL Draft several years ago; they dealt the No. 6 overall selection to the Falcons, who took Julio Jones. Cleveland, of course, also moved Trent Richardson to the Colts back in 2013, which prompted harsh criticism from the media and fans.

But just when you thought the Browns couldn’t trump that deal, they pulled off another move that sent shockwaves through the NFL.

We at the NFL Bible Network, through Adam Schefter’s Twitter account, would like to report that the Browns traded starting quarterback Jameis Winston to the Sacramento Jaguars for a fourth-round pick and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.

The trade, as we’ve reported after looking at what Schefter wrote first, was nearly nullified because there was mustard on the sandwich. Browns’ general manager Michael Lombardi asked for no mustard. The Jaguars rectified this issue to make sure the deal went through.

“They wiped the mustard away with a napkin at first, but I told them this was no good,” Lombardi said at a press conference Wednesday evening. “They then said they’d put extra cheese on it, so that was enough to fix the problem.”

Extra cheese or not, the question is why the Browns would trade their starting quarterback to the Jaguars for a mid-round selection and a sandwich Lombardi could easily make in his own kitchen.

“Jameis is a great player, but he just didn’t fit our offense,” Lombardi revealed. “We run an offense that requires the quarterback to make short passes and sometimes throw the ball to the other team. Jameis wasn’t doing that. He was scoring touchdowns, and that’s not what we’re looking for here in Cleveland.”

None of this makes any sense – we were set to attribute it to the Browns just being the Browns – but one of our employees here at the NFL Bible Network was able to hack into Lombardi’s computer. Once we were in and perused his Internet history, we were able to discover two things.

First, Lombardi frequently visits a Web site called HamAndCheeseSandwichSex.com – a place where ham-and-cheese sandwiches have freaky sex with each other. This would explain why he demanded a sandwich in the trade, though we’re still not clear why he asked for no mustard.

Second, Lombardi has Jameis Winston on all six of his fantasy football teams.

Coincidence? We approached Lombardi with this information, and he suddenly broke down in tears.

“It’s true, it’s true!” Lombardi sobbed. “I’m the worst fantasy football player ever. I finish last in all six of my leagues every single year. I drafted Jameis

Winston on all of my teams, but Norv Turner was so incompetent that I had to trade him in real life to a better team with good receivers.” Winston, of course, will be paired with Justin Blackmon and Cecil Shorts in Sacramento, where he’ll thrive. He had nothing to work with in Cleveland, so Lombardi’s strategy to improve his fantasy football rosters was a sound one. Nevertheless, ruining his actual team’s chances to bolster his fantasy squads was a questionable decision.

“You guys just don’t understand,” whined a teary-eyed Lombardi. “The grand prize in one of my leagues is like $600. We also get a cool trophy. Everyone has gotten their name on the trophy except for me, so now it’s my turn!”

And with that, Lombardi stood up and walked into his office with his new ham-and-cheese sandwich in hand.