The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Sept. 20, 2018
It's safe to say that the Browns have been on the short end of some lopsided trades throughout the years. They made a blockbuster move in the NFL Draft several years ago; they dealt the No. 6 overall selection to the Falcons, who took Julio Jones. Cleveland, of course, also moved Trent Richardson to the Colts back in 2013, which prompted harsh criticism from the media and fans.
But just when you thought the Browns couldn't trump that deal, they pulled off another move that sent shockwaves through the NFL.
We at the NFL Bible Network, through Adam Schefter's Twitter account, would like to report that the Browns traded starting quarterback Jameis Winston to the Sacramento Jaguars for a fourth-round pick and a ham-and-cheese sandwich.
The trade, as we've reported after looking at what Schefter wrote first, was nearly nullified because there was mustard on the sandwich. Browns' general manager Michael Lombardi asked for no mustard. The Jaguars rectified this issue to make sure the deal went through.
"They wiped the mustard away with a napkin at first, but I told them this was no good," Lombardi said at a press conference Wednesday evening. "They then said they'd put extra cheese on it, so that was enough to fix the problem."
Extra cheese or not, the question is why the Browns would trade their starting quarterback to the Jaguars for a mid-round selection and a sandwich Lombardi could easily make in his own kitchen.
"Jameis is a great player, but he just didn't fit our offense," Lombardi revealed. "We run an offense that requires the quarterback to make short passes and sometimes throw the ball to the other team. Jameis wasn't doing that. He was scoring touchdowns, and that's not what we're looking for here in Cleveland."
None of this makes any sense - we were set to attribute it to the Browns just being the Browns - but one of our employees here at the NFL Bible Network was able to hack into Lombardi's computer. Once we were in and perused his Internet history, we were able to discover two things.
First, Lombardi frequently visits a Web site called HamAndCheeseSandwichSex.com - a place where ham-and-cheese sandwiches have freaky sex with each other. This would explain why he demanded a sandwich in the trade, though we're still not clear why he asked for no mustard.
Second, Lombardi has Jameis Winston on all six of his fantasy football teams.
Coincidence? We approached Lombardi with this information, and he suddenly broke down in tears.
"It's true, it's true!" Lombardi sobbed. "I'm the worst fantasy football player ever. I finish last in all six of my leagues every single year. I drafted Jameis
Winston on all of my teams, but Norv Turner was so incompetent that I had to trade him in real life to a better team with good receivers."
Winston, of course, will be paired with Justin Blackmon and Cecil Shorts in Sacramento, where he'll thrive. He had nothing to work with in Cleveland, so Lombardi's strategy to improve his fantasy football rosters was a sound one. Nevertheless, ruining his actual team's chances to bolster his fantasy squads was a questionable decision.
"You guys just don't understand," whined a teary-eyed Lombardi. "The grand prize in one of my leagues is like $600. We also get a cool trophy. Everyone has gotten their name on the trophy except for me, so now it's my turn!"
And with that, Lombardi stood up and walked into his office with his new ham-and-cheese sandwich in hand.
DASHON GOLDSON WINS APPEAL
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Sept. 22, 2018
The safety of the NFL players has always been a primary concern for Roger Goodell. Or at least that's what he has claimed over the years. Some question Goodell's sincerity in this matter after mandating that all teams have to play on a Thursday night and trying to get the NFL Players' Association's approval for 18 games.
"Trust me, there's nothing more that I value than player's safety - not even the diamond-and-platinum statues I have of myself sitting outside of every stadium in the NFL," Goodell said. "That's exactly why we have Thursday games now. Sure, players are more prone to injury, but that's exactly what makes the game safer."
With that in mind, we can now understand the reasoning behind Goodell's suspension of Tampa Bay Buccaneers' safety Dashon Goldson. Goodell slapped Goldson with a 100-game ban effective immediately.
One hundred games is an awfully long time, but considering the circumstances, we thought it was completely warranted. Goldson, who has been responsible for dozens of concussions throughout the years, seemed to finally snap in last week's game against the New Orleans Saints. He sprinted to the bench after one play and snatched a broad axe from under the Gatorade coolers. He then sliced off the arms of several players and even decapitated tight end Jimmy Graham. Luckily, Graham is such a freak of nature that another head grew in its place right away.
"I'd like to apologize to the fans, the Saints and my own organization," Goldson said during the post-game press conference. "What I did was uncalled for. I tried my hardest to chop on Graham's head, but I didn't get the job done. Now that a**hole is going to torch us in the next game, and that totally sucks."
Goodell, who was posing for a nude painting during the game, was irate upon hearing the news.
"I scheduled to have myself painted on this Sunday, and yet I'm interrupted by this!?" Goodell shrieked. "This is completely unacceptable, and Dashon will pay for his crime!"
And that was the genesis of the 100-game suspension. Unfortunately for the safety of the NFL players, Goldson won his appeal.
"Roger is an idiot, and I'm going to reverse everything he does because he sucks," said Matt Birk, former Viking and Raven center and current Arbiter of NFL Appeals.
"I'm canceling the ban all together, but it's OK because I'm going to fine Goldson just a bit."
Goldson's penalty? Another $100,000 payment to the league office. Six figures may seem like a lot to normal people, but considering Goldson signed a contract recently with $31 million guaranteed, losing $100,000 is unlikely to put a dent in his wallet.
"Oh no, how am I ever going to pay this?" Goldson said with a hint of sarcasm in his voice. "This is like totally going to deter me from trying to decapitate that jerk Jimmy Graham again."
As Goldson walked away from our interview, some money fell out of his pocket. It actually happened to be $100,000. We tried to give it back to him, but he declined.
"Nah, it's cool, you can have it for being honest," Goldson said. "I lose like 50 grand, 100 grand, 200 grand all the time; it's no big deal. Besides, the owner said he'd comp me the fine, so it's all good."
We tried to contact Goodell about learning this, but he declined another interview. He issued a statement via fax instead:
"I care about NFL player safety so much, you guys. It's a major bummer that Dashon won't be suspended. I guess I'll have to counter by getting the players to agree to a 20-game season because it's all about player safety."
Call us crazy, but we don't think Goodell gives a damn.