The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Sept. 28, 2018
Here at the NFL Bible Network, we have better resources than any news conglomerate in the world. We have more secret spies, security cameras and inside sources than anyone else. However, even we get stumped on occasion. We spent the entire spring and summer searching for Emmitt, trying desperately to discover what he has been up to since he exited Roger Goodell's award ceremony for Spygate II.
We couldn't find Emmitt because we were looking in the wrong place. And by "place," we mean country.
Emmitt, as it turns out, has been in England since January. He hasn't been sight-seeing, vacationing or visiting friends. He's been working as a valet for Roberto Crawford at a place called Downtown Abbott.
"I decide to visit the country of London because I has never been to those, and when I was drivin' around everywhere, I notice that the Londonese people craziness. Very craziness," Emmitt told us. "All the guy and girl drivin' the car drivin' on the wrong side of the road. Everybody know he have to drive on the right side of the roadway, but the Londonese drive on the... uhh... the... uhh... other side."
Emmitt, who was swerving like crazy in an attempt to avoid the drivers, parked his car near a building. He then saw a sign that read, "Looking for a valet at Downtown Abbott."
"I read the sign, which take me like 20 minute, and then a light bulb clicked on with remote control in my brain," Emmitt said. "I need a valet for valet parkin', and maybe this valet parker can drive me around, so I need to go to Downtown Abbott."
Emmitt took the road again, having multiple near brushes with death as he evaded the drivers. He eventually arrived at Downtown Abbott, however. He went inside and spoke to the butler, Carson Palmer.
"I hear you guys lookin' for a valet," Emmitt said. "I'm your man because valet important."
"I have $80 million in the bank, so I don't really care," Palmer replied. "But whatever, you're hired."
Emmitt spent the next eight months serving as Crawford's valet. There were no cars involved, but Emmitt didn't bother asking about that. Instead, he spent his time making sure Crawford was properly dressed. He also served as a groomsman in the wedding of Crawford's daughter, Syllable.
"I barely knew this Emmitt fellow, but he seemed like a good chap, and I didn't have any friends, so I asked him to be a groomsman," said Syllable's new husband, Osama bin Branson.
Syllable's father did not attend the wedding.
"Do I care if he's a terrorist? No of course, not!" Crawford bellowed. "I'm angry because Osama bin Branson is a bloody chauffer and is not a nobleman!"
Crawford, of course, is also a bit angry about losing his entire fortune on a poor investment.
"I received an e-mail the other day from a poor chap in Africa; he was a prince, I believe," a teary-eyed Crawford said. "He said that his parents had both died and that he needed money to rebuild his country. He said he would return my investment tenfold. He had noble blood, so of course I gave it to the chap! I gave him all of my money, and now it's all gone!"
Fortunately, Crawford was bailed out when his long-lost son Matthew received money from his late fiancee's father, who had passed away from the Iranian flu. The malady also took his fiancee, Latvia Swine. Her death had nothing to do with Matthew suffocating her with a pillow so he could marry his long-lost twin sister.
"Mary Luanne is the love of my life, and I shall never love any woman more as long as she walks the earth," Matthew told us. "She was a complete b***h at first and wanted to marry me earlier just for my money, but she's completely changed now even though she won't stop going on and on with this new cash I received from Latvia's dad. God, I love her."
Emmitt, who was notified of the Lloyd family deaths, said that he would return to America as soon as he served his part in Matthew and Mary Luanne's wedding, which will take place this Saturday.
If you are reading this, chances are you won't be invited to the wedding. However, feel free to stand outside the church and cry out lovingly for Matthew and Mary Luanne even though they don't give a damn about you.
THE BEST AND WORST TIMES AT DOWNTOWN ABBOTT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Oct. 1, 2018
If the twist and turns and ups and downs of Downtown Abbott were televised, the audience would definitely need a box of tissues to keep the tears from streaming. Just when something good happens, it's almost inevitable that a stroke of bad luck will devastate the family.
Matthew and Mary Luanne had a beautiful ceremony on Saturday. Teary-eyed members of the entire family and housing staff looked on as the twin, long-lost siblings read each other their vows. Well, there was one member of the family who was not in attendance. That, of course, would be Edna, the middle sister, who was deemed too ugly for the church. She was locked in her cellar for the afternoon.
"I give you this ring - my mother's ring, so it's essentially your mother's ring too - to symbolize my love for you," Matthew said.
"And I give you my virginity - if you exclude the one time I banged the Turkish guy who had a heart attack - to symbolize the love I have for your new-found fortune," Mary Luanne said.
The bride and groom then kissed, and the Crawford estate was finally secure with a male heir in the picture.
"It was a beautiful weddin' day," Emmitt said. "The vowels they say to each other bring tear and sad to my heart. Just wait until how happy they becomeds when they have a children. Except if the children gonna be informed because they havin' insects."
That night, the youngest daughter Syllable went into labor. Unfortunately, something was terribly wrong. The family doctor, looking panicked, rushed to Roberto Crawford and told him that a C-section was absolutely necessary. However, the doctor Roberto hired on his own stated that Syllable would be fine; he said she had just suffered a broken wrist. Syllable gave birth, but then died hours later.
"I don't understand how this could have happened," said a somber Roberto Crawford. "The noble chap I paid said it was only a broken wrist. The other doctor said it was Ebola, but he's not a noble chap, so he's still absolutely wrong!"
The Crawford parents decided that they would raise the child. However, their plans were thwarted when Osama bin Branson returned from bombing buildings. He demanded that the child has to live with him in the slums and learn to become the world's next great terrorist. This caused a ton of bickering amongst the family, until Mary Luanne settled it by saying, "It's what Syllable would have wanted."
Emmitt, who was now free to return to America and begin his hunt for the Lloyd killers, recounted his time at Downtown Abbott.
"Downtown Abbott have a lot of history and other thing that is good," Emmitt said. "The people inside good too as well. Roberto Crawford always call me chip. His wife from New York but she say she like the Cowboy. Mary Luanne real pretty. Edna real ugly. And then the guy who live in the basement good too. Thomas say he want to drop the soap with me in the shower, but I do not knowed what he mean. And Master Bates kill somebody, but he gonna provide proof of his innosex."
As for Emmitt? His time at Downtown is done. He then set off to the airport - making one last drive into oncoming traffic.