The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Oct. 3, 2018
Now that his job as the Crawford's valet at Downtown Abbott has come to an end, Emmitt is back in America, where he immediately met with the authorities. Emmitt was led to the office of Carl Winslow, head of the FBI, who was scarfing down a lobster.
"Hello, Emmitt, have a seat and wait for me," Winslow growled. "It's imperative that I, Carl Winslow, Lord of Doughnuts, Denizen of Doritos and Chieftain of Cheetos, complete my fifth lunch of the day."
Five minutes later, Winslow wiped his mouth and finally addressed Emmitt - chiding him for his poor timing before getting to the task at hand.
"If we are to work together, Emmitt, you must first realize that the fifth lunch is one of the most important meals of the day," Winslow said. "I will always be eating my fifth lunch at 12:45, so please avoid this time in the future, thank you very much."
Winslow wiped his brow and pointed to a board with several mug shots on it. There were photos of Anthony Morelli, Aaron Hernandez, Bill Belichick, Urban Meyer and an unfamiliar black teen.
"Who is that black folk on the bullet board?" Emmitt asked.
"That would be Weasel," Winslow explained. "He's best friends with my son Eddie and this other guy Waldo Geraldo Faldo. Weasel is always up to no good, so I've dubbed him a suspect in this investigation."
Emmitt stood up and approached the board, studying the mug shots carefully.
"Mr. Windblow, I has two question for yourselves," Emmitt said. "First of all, is this the only suspicions you has right now at this momentum? Anthony Morgan my former quarterback for the New Zealand Patriot, and I know him like the back of my own head. Aaron Fernandez in jail. Bill Billick steal picture with camera, but he do not killed anybody. And Ervin Meyer used to coach the University of the Gata, so he probably a good guy. So probably the Weasel the guy who killin' folk."
Winslow nodded his head. "Yes, Emmitt, this..." he paused. "Wait, there was another photo. I used it as a napkin during my fourth lunch of the day. Hold on..."
Winslow rummaged through his trash can. A minute later, he pulled out a crumpled-up picture of former Patriots' wide receiver Brandon Lloyd.
"I know this folk," Emmitt said, grabbing the photo. "This the folk who play for the Patriot before I became the coach. He a terrible guy who catch the ball, his name Brandon Floyd."
"That's Brandon Lloyd," Winslow said, correcting Emmitt. "I listed him as a suspect. All of the Lloyds are dying, so my thought process was that this Brandon Lloyd wanted to be the only Lloyd remaining in the world."
Emmitt scratched his head. "But what if this Brandon Lloyd folk is also gonna be kill because his name also Lloyd as well?" Emmitt asked.
Winslow, who was just about to bite into an Oreo he grabbed from his desk, dropped the cookie in complete shock.
"My God, Emmitt," Winslow gasped. "I never thought of that. We need to drive over to Brandon Lloyd's house pronto! Wait, you said had a second question. Is it important, because we need to hurry!"
"Yes it is very importance," Emmitt answered. "I was lookin' at the paper on your desk, and I notice that the guy Lloyds who die all spelleded their name with two L. I very confusion by this. Why the Lloyd have two L? You do not pronouns it "El-Loyd" so why do he have two L? I'm very surprisement by these."
"Ah, the second L is silent," Winslow explained. "It's like the silent E at the end of some words."
Emmitt once again scratched his head. "What do you means by silent E? Why do the E not say anything? Do he not have a voice?"
Winslow sat Emmitt down, and the two went over the rules of the English language. Emmitt didn't seem to understand what Winslow was saying, but they were finally finished a few hours later.
"Hark! We must head to Brandon Lloyd's house!" Winslow exclaimed. Then, he eyed the clock. "Emmitt, you jerk, you made me miss my sixth and seventh lunches, as well as my first two suppers! Please leave this office until I finish!"
EMMITT'S NEW MISSION
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Oct. 3, 2018
It took Carl Winslow 45 minutes, but he managed to consume his sixth and seventh lunches, as well as his first and second suppers of the day. The head of the FBI feasted on tacos, cheeseburgers, legs of lamb and buffalo chicken quesadillas. He and Emmitt then got into a car and rushed over to Brandon Lloyd's house, stopping at McDonald's, Burger King and Taco Bell, of course.
"Only three food stops," Winslow told Emmitt sternly. "Someone's life is in danger, so we need to be in a hurry."
Winslow and Emmitt eventually arrived at Lloyd's house to find that the front door already open. The two men ran into the house and found furniture knocked over everywhere. They searched both floors and the basement, but couldn't find Lloyd anywhere. Winslow, however, uncovered a note as he searched the kitchen for baked goods. Here's what it said:
"To Carl Winslow, Lord of Donuts and Denizen of Doritos: I have kidnapped former Patriots' receiver Brandon Lloyd. I'm sure no one cares because Lloyd sucked that one year and ruined lots of fantasy teams, but I will kill him, I swear, if you continue to investigate this case. Stop pursuing us, and Brandon Lloyd will be unharmed. Fail to do so, and we will send you his fingers, one by one. Not that they could catch anything anyway, but still, it'll make you look bad!"
Winslow slammed the kitchen counter in utter disgust.
"Those bastards didn't mention that I'm the Chieftain of Cheetos!" Winslow growled.
Emmitt walked in and read the paper. It took him 30 minutes, but he finally thought he understood the message.
"The guy who write this letter sound very angry because he say I'm the biggest threat, so I need to stop threatenin'," Emmitt said. "The only thing I do not understand is why he so concerned about Brandon Lloyd chicken fingers. Brandon Lloyd do not have any chicken finger in his refrigeration."
"I know, I checked," Winslow snapped, shaking his head in disgust. "Look, Emmitt, there are two important things to consider here. First, Brandon Lloyd didn't have many baked goods in his house, which means his kidnappers also stole them. Those scoundrels are even more dangerous and ruthless than I thought."
Winslow paused, wiping a tear from his eye.
"Second," Winslow continued, "we're going to have to stop working together. You're such a prominent figure, so if they see that you're continuing to help us, I fear they will cut all of Brandon Lloyd's fingers off. If that happens, I won't get a big bonus this Christmas, which means less food for the Winslow household. I, of course, won't forfeit any of my food, so my kids and wife will go hungry. Fortunately, I have a plan."
Winslow revealed his idea to Emmitt. He explained that the person responsible for all of this Lloyd madness is clearly associated with the New England Patriots. The perpetrator was obviously mad that Lloyd was such a disappointment during the 2012 campaign. He also wanted revenge on Odin Lloyd's family for the Aaron Hernandez situation. Winslow told Emmitt that it was imperative that he infiltrate the Patriots' organization. He explained to Emmitt that if he can reprise his status as a key member of the Patriots, perhaps he can discover who is behind all of the murders and the kidnappings.
"So let me get this straightness," Emmitt said. "You want me to infuriate the New Zealand Patriot so I can find out who stolened Brandon Lloyd chicken fingers. I can do this because I think I coach the Patriot a few week ago, I mean a few year ago, I think."
Winslow nodded in agreement. "Yes, recovering Brandon Lloyd's chicken fingers are a priority as well. Remember, if you find Lloyd's chicken fingers and/or baked goods, please save them for me so I can... uhh... store them as evidence."
And with that, Emmitt set off to the airport. He approached the counter and proudly said, "I need one ticket to New Zealand. I'm gonna work the Patriot once again."