The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
EMMITT INTERVIEWS THREE SUSPECTS IN LLOYD FAMILY DEATHS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 18, 2018
Emmitt has been a busy man. He hasn't been the new Arby's Distraction Chief of Operations for the New England Patriots for a week, yet he's already using his connections to interview suspects in the deaths of Odin Lloyd's late family members.
Well, let us rephrase that. We're not sure if they're suspects or not. We're even hesitant to say if Emmitt could even connect them at all to the Lloyd family deaths, but at least he's trying. Plus, it never hurts to question shady characters in the NFL. There's no telling what sort of trail a sharp investigator can uncover. And as Emmitt proved last year by unmasking the mastermind behind Bountygate II, he is indeed a sharp investigator.
The first suspect Emmitt brought into his office was Ndamukong Suh. The Lions' defensive tackle immediately dived toward Emmitt's needs, but Emmitt used a great juke move to avoid him.
"Sorry about that," Suh said. "I thought you were a threat to tackle my teammate - the guy who just intercepted that pass."
Suh pointed toward a direction. Emmitt turned and looked, but didn't see anything. Suh then used this distraction to knee Emmitt in the balls.
"You have debacled my manhood..." Emmitt said, gasping.
"Sorry again," Suh said indifferently. "I really thought you were a threat to score a touchdown. I swear it on my life."
Emmitt sat down with Suh despite being in great pain, but apparently learned nothing because he let the Detroit star walk. However, before Suh could walk out the door, Emmitt handed him a slip of paper saying that he'd bill him for whatever the hospital would charge. Suh proceeded to throw a temper tantrum.
"This is f***ing ridiculous!" he shouted. "I did nothing wrong! It was all within the rulebook! Check the f***ing rulebook, and you'll see that I'm allowed to do this!"
Suh stormed out angrily, just as Clay Matthews walked into the office. The Packer linebacker sat down silently, revealing an ax that he began to sharpen.
"Where were you on the night that all the guy with last name of Lloyd got kill?" Emmitt asked.
Mathews didn't look up. He continued to polish his ax, muttering the same phrase over and over again: "Must... injure... Colin... Kaepernick..."
After failing to respond to several questions, Matthews was let go. He put away his ax and quietly walked out of the office.
"I do not think that guy kill the guy who all last name begin with Lloyd," Emmitt told us afterward. "He probably want to kill some guy name Kaspers Nick I never hear of before, but this not my concerment."
Emmitt's final suspect, Von Miller, failed to show up. He called the Bronco linebacker, who offered a flimsy excuse.
"Uhh... I had to take my daughter to summer camp... no, wait, it's not summer anymore... I... uhh... took her to her first day of kindergarten... even though it's late October... yeah, I did that," Miller stuttered in response to why he failed to show up to the interrogation. Emmitt then asked him where he was on the night that the Lloyd family members were murdered.
"I... uhh... that was the summer still, right?" Miller asked. "Hmm... oh, I know! I was finally in traffic court. I had 654 unpaid traffic violations, so they handcuffed me and forced me to go to that stupid traffic court thing."
Sure enough, Miller was telling the truth. So, Emmitt went 0-for-3 in his interrogation attempts, but at least he's getting somewhere. Or at least we think he is.
NFL ADMITS TO TWO OFFICIATING BLUNDERS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Oct. 23, 2018
It was a rough weekend for the NFL officials. They blew a call in the Sunday night affair between the Packers and 49ers, and then they managed to bungle the Monday night tilt between the Chargers and Texans.
Perhaps we all could have prevented the first one. Remember that ax Clay Matthews was sharpening during his interrogation with Emmitt? Well, while running at Colin
Kaepernick, attempting to notch a sack on third down just prior to halftime, Matthews reached into his pants and unearthed that very same ax. He then swung at Kaepernick's legs, barely missing the mobile quarterback's knees.
A fight naturally ensued. Left tackle Joe Staley revealed a weapon of his own. He took out a knife and tried to stab Matthews. He missed as well. Fortunately, the officials broke up the fight without anyone getting hurt. Referee Bill Leavy then made a very strange announcement:
"We have fouls by both teams on the play," shouted Leavy. "Personal foul on the defense, No. 52, a blow with an ax to the leg. Personal foul on the offense, No. 74, a stab with a knife to the gut. Both fouls offset. The down and distance with now be eighth down and 10 yards to go."
Eighth down? Everyone was puzzled. Leavy then corrected himself.
"The down should be seven. Seventh down and 10 yards to go, thank you."
Both Jim Harbaugh and Mike McCarthy scratched their heads in utter confusion. In fact, they were so befuddled that they didn't bother running another play. The game just ended, with both teams walking off the field in a 17-17 tie.
"I didn't want to screw up on seventh down," Harbaugh admitted afterward. "What would've happened afterward? Would there have been an eighth down? And a ninth down after that? Or would we turn it over on downs if we couldn't move past the marker?"
McCarthy was equally baffled.
"Why didn't they run the freaking read-option?" McCarthy complained. "I spent all summer preparin' for it, but they didn't do it a single time!"
If you think that's bad, get a load of what happened Monday night. The Chargers were up on the Texans, 56-0 at halftime. The Texans seemed to begin a rally in the third quarter. They got it to 56-21, but stalled inside the red zone. They kicked a field goal, which Randy Bullock missed. However, there was some yellow laundry on the field.
"Personal foul, on the defensive sideline," the official announced to a chorus of boos from the San Diego faithful. "Personal foul on the coach for use of telekinesis to make the long-snapper's head move one inch upward. That's half the distance to the goal. First down."
Well, at least the referee gave us a real down to work with. Chargers' head coach Mike McCoy was irate, as you'd expect.
"I don't know how to do telekinesis!" he shouted, but to no avail. The Texans ultimately completed their rally, winning 59-56 in overtime.
It's another season, but it's the same old Chargers. They'll always find creative ways to lose.