The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Oct. 25, 2018
It seems like this is the story that will never end. The Redskins' team name has garnered so much controversy over the years, and it only seems to be intensifying. This story has gotten so out of control that we can't imagine it lasting much longer.
As you may recall, there was a heated debate about the team name prior to the 2013 season. That's when Sports Illustrated's Peter King took a stance by declaring he wouldn't mention the word "Redskins" on his Web site, referring to them as the "Washington football team" instead.
No one listened to King, as usual, so he took things to another level. He converted to being an American Indian, taking the new name of "Chief Writes with Perm." He then contacted a prominent American Indian, Danny from the old Nickelodeon TV show Hey Dude, and marched to Roger Goodell's fortress.
"Us Indians demand that the Redskins' team name be changed," Chief Writes with Perm declared. "Do as we say, or I'll unleash a rain dance that will flood your dominion."
"Yeah!" agreed Danny. "I'm not even a real American Indian, but I was promised free pizza if I came here with this other fake Indian guy."
"Shut up, Danny, I told you not to say that!" Chief Writes with Perm snapped, turning toward the commissioner. "Roger, I promise you, we'll make it rain upon your fortress for the next 75 years."
Goodell, looking completely disturbed by this news, relented.
"All of that rain could ruin the precious statues of me," Goodell said with some trepidation in his voice. "OK, deal, give me a week, and I'll come up with a new name for the Redskins."
True to his word, Goodell revealed that the Redskins' team name would change to "Savages." Goodell, clearly doing his best to troll both Chief Writes with Perm, Danny and all other American Indians. Goodell then had his minions invade Chief Writes with Perm's Web site. He had his chief executive offer Chief Writes with Perm $1.99 for his Internet property. Chief Writes with Perm had no choice to accept. He was then relocated to Bleacher Report.
Goodell had a good laugh renaming the team the Savages, but this created more of a headache for him. American Indians, who didn't seem to care about "Redskins," were actually outraged by this name. They all threatened to destroy Goodell's statues, so the NFL commissioner had to actually settle for something that wasn't seen as offensive to anyone. And that's how the Washington Redskins went from the Washington Savages to the Washington Pilgrims.
All seemed well until a week ago. A man claiming to be a descendant of a pilgrim confronted Goodell at his home.
"My ancestors were pilgrims, and I find it very offensive that we are being portrayed as evil," the man said. "How is the Redskin name any less inappropriate than pilgrims? Pilgrims were peaceful people who never hurt anyone. They'd never tackle anyone on a football field. I demand that the name be changed!"
Goodell ignored this man, but he never expected that this would be a rallying cry for those offended by the Pilgrim team name. Chief Writes with Perm even converted to being a pilgrim, taking the name "Peter Penn." He then wrote the following:
"I, Peter Penn, possible descendant of William Penn, will now refer to the Washington Pilgrims as the Washington Football Team again - but this time on Bleacher Report!"
But once again, no one will listen.
CONTROVERSY OVER OTHER NFL TEAM NAMES
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, Oct. 28, 2018
The floodgates have opened. Now that the Washington Pilgrims team name is under scrutiny, other interest groups have come out and demanded for their team name to be changed.
"This is exactly what I feared all along," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. "No one really cared about the Redskins at first except for guilt-ridden white people and Democrats who were butt hurt that Daniel Snyder donated so much money to the Republican party, but it has gotten worse and worse with each re-naming."
Goodell's not kidding around. The NAACP contacted Goodell Thursday afternoon to inform him that they found the "Vikings" team name to be offensive. Those of Scandinavian descent have never seemed to care before this, but the guilt-ridden NAACP members brought this to their attention.
"We Vikings do not play this game you call football," said Ragnar Lothbrok, a warrior who recently discovered England. "We rape women, steal gold and kill random people, but we do not play this football. We demand our name removed from this football game."
That was Thursday. Friday was even worse. Goodell awakened to a ruckus outside of his fortress. He peered out of his window and spied a group of animals standing around his moat. He got dressed and went outside to meet them.
"Please change the name of the Chicago football team," said Yogi Bear. "The Bears' team name have made others wary of us real bears, which makes it difficult for us to steal pic-a-nic baskets."
"Yes, please do," said a tall bear wearing a hat that said the word "Smokey" on it. "When people see bears now, they think about football. Instead, they should be thinking about forest fires. Only you can prevent forest fires, Mr. Goodell."
Suddenly, there was a loud roar. The lions that were gathered at the moat demanded Goodell's attention.
"My child, the Lions have been terrible for years, so their team name paints us in a bad light," said Aslan.
"Yeah!" agreed Simba. "My dad would be pretty pissed off, dude. Hakuna Matata!"
Goodell also dealt with the Pink Panther, who discussed Carolina's team name, as well as Flipper, who demanded that the Dolphins be changed to something else as well.
The commissioner spent the entire weekend discussing these issues with all of the animals gathered at his home. He ultimately came to a decision that would surely not offend a single individual. As of 2019, the following team names will be changed:
Minnesota Vikings will be known as Minnesota Team M.
Chicago Bears will be known as Chicago Team C.
Detroit Lions will be known as Detroit Team D.
Carolina Panthers will be known as Carolina C2.
Miami Dolphins will be known as Miami Stephen Ross is Like So Cool.
All is fine now, but our guess is that more guilt-ridden people will find something wrong with these new names. We're willing to bet that Goodell is fearing the day the Alpha-Bits cereal shows up at his doorstep.