The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Oct. 30, 2018
Emmitt arrived onto the scene, but it was too late. There was another apparent homicide relating to the Lloyd family, but the perpetrator had already vanished.
This death was a bit different, however. And by "a bit," we mean one letter.
"The other guys who die had last name of Lloyd," Emmitt told us after searching the scene of the crime for evidence. "But this guy li-bit different. His last name have one different inside. Instead of the number L, which stand for 50 in Roman noodles, it have the number F, which not even a Roman noodle!"
What Emmitt referring to is that rather than a Lloyd dying, the victim happened to be a Floyd. This particular Floyd was Malcom Floyd, a former receiver on the San Diego Chargers.
"I went to the Google Web side and punch in Malcom Floyd," Emmitt said. "It comed up that Malcom Floyd was a bad player when it come to fantastic football. He always tease fantastic football player with his talent, but he disappointment. Very disappointment."
We thought Emmitt might actually be on to something. After all, Floyd had been drafted highly in fantasy football for years because people saw potential in him as Philip Rivers' No. 1 receiver in the wake of Vincent Jackson's departure. Unfortunately, Floyd proved to be nothing more than waiver-wire fodder. Could a repeatedly scorned fantasy football perpetrator be the culprit?
We didn't have to speculate for very long because Floyd awakened to everyone's surprise. We all assumed he died, so what happened?
"I touch this guy forth head and check for impulse, but I do not hear it," Emmitt admitted. "Maybe this not the right place to check for impulse."
Floyd recounted what happened. He was taking a pleasant stroll down the street when a car came from out of nowhere and hit him. The driver seemed to be looking down and didn't even notice that he collided with the former San Diego wideout. The car then sped off. Luckily, Floyd was able to catch the license plate before closing his eyes.
The police ran the license plate that Floyd gave to Emmitt, and they found a match: The vehicle in question belonged to Nate Burleson, another former NFL receiver.
Emmitt and the other authorities raced over to Burleson's house and crashed down his door. They found Burleson weeping in the corner, stuffing slices of pizza into his mouth.
"NOM NOM NOM, ME SO SORRY!" Burleson wailed. "ME DROP SLICE OF PIZZA IN CAR AND PIZZA FALL OUT WINDOW AND ME NO CAN EAT NOW, NOM NOM NOM!"
Burleson suddenly noticed that there were people standing in his residence.
"GO AWAY, ME EAT PIZZA NOW AND CRY BECAUSE I LOST PIZZA IN CAR NOM NOM NOM."
The police handcuffed Burleson and told him he was arrested for a hit-and-run involving Floyd. Burleson was completely taken aback by this news, but he seemed more concerned that he wouldn't be able to eat pizza while sitting in jail.
NFL ANNOUNCES RELOCATION OF JAGUARS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, Nov. 2, 2018
It always seemed as though NFL commissioner Roger Goodell had big plans for the Jacksonville Jaguars. He initially wished to move them to London. He eventually shipped them off to Sacramento, but as it turns out, they'll be packing their bags for the third time in five years. Their new location? Most people aren't going to like it.
"I, as well as the former Sacramento Jaguars, are pleased to announce that the franchise will be moving to Afghanistan next fall," Goodell said to the media Thursday afternoon.
Afghanistan? How could this be possible? Wouldn't there be logistical issues? How would the team get any free agents to sign? And what about possible safety issues? Goodell didn't seem to care, revealing the No. 1 reason why the Jaguars will be relocating to another continent.
"I wanted London at first, but those dirty Brits refused to build a statue of me," Goodell growled. "The good folks of Sacramento were generous enough to construct a platinum statue with diamonds, rubies and sapphires, but I visited the statue last week, and I have to tell you - it's not well maintained."
Goodell revealed that he saw some bird poop on the statue, which drew his ire.
"This is unacceptable!" Goodell barked. "There should be at least five people on hand watching my statue to see if a bird defecates on it. They must all clean the statue right away while one of them shoots the bird and then roasts it for dinner."
Meanwhile, the Afghanis opportunistically revealed an even better statue for Goodell as soon as they realized that he was displeased with the people of Sacramento. This new statue is made of orichalcum, adamantite, sun crystals, dark matter and Knights of the Round materia.
"Finally, a statue that truly represents my greatness," Goodell said with a tear in his eye. "I can only imagine how much time the Afghanis spent raising Chocobos to obtain that precious Knights of the Round materia."
The Afghanistan Jaguars will play at Osama B. Laden Field, the site of a Patriots' victory over the Bills in the NFL's International Series back during the 2013 season. New England defeated Buffalo in front of only three people in the stands: two hookers looking for work after the game and a drunken bum who turned out to be Latrell Sprewell. The game was also interrupted by terrorists who shot at the players and coaches. Goodell confidently stated that none of this would be an issue.
"You know how Seattle has its 12th Man? Well, this would be a tremendous homefield advantage for the Jaguars, so I believe they'll be in favor of it," Goodell said.
"As for the lacking attendance, we made the mistake of not handing out nifty team flags at the previous game in Afghanistan like we did in that Pittsburgh-Minnesota London contest back a few years ago. Fans will come if there are pretty flags."
We're not so sure. In fact, this has "disaster" written all over it, as so many logistical things need to be ironed out. But apparently none of that really matters as long as Goodell has his precious statue.