The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Jan. 1, 2019
Emmitt made sure to call Robert Kraft at the break of dawn. We were able to receive a transcript of the conversation, thanks to our impeccable sources here at the NFL Bible Network.
Kraft: Ugh... hello?
Emmitt: Mr. Krass, this Emmitt, the guy who work for you for a long time.
Kraft: Emmitt? Why are you calling in the middle of the night?
Emmitt: It is not middle of the night or end of night either. It's beginning of the morning. The sun comed into the sky.
Kraft: It's not morning. It's pitch black outside!
Emmitt: How is this possibles? I'm lookin' right up at the sun right now.
Kraft: It's 3 a.m., Emmitt. Where the hell are you that it's sunny?
Emmitt: I'm in the city of England.
Kraft: Oh, that would explain it. It's a time-zone difference, Emmitt.
Emmitt: Time zone? I was no aware that time have zone! How many zone do time have!?
Kraft: It's... ugh... never mind... what do you need, Emmitt?
Emmitt: We need airplane to come drive us to the United States of American. There is zombie in England. The city soon gonna be crawlin' with the Walkin' Buc.
Kraft: The Walking Bucs!? In England!? I'll board my private jet immediately and come pick you up!
Sure enough, Kraft's jet arrived hours later. Emmitt, Ray Rice and Josh Gordon boarded quickly and were shocked to found Kraft tied to a chair. A woman in a bikini was feeding him Arby's sandwiches.
"Emmitt and friends, welcome to my pleasure craft," Kraft said. "Please do not help yourselves to some of my Arby's sandwiches because they are all for me. You can be seated, and I'll join you once I'm finished with Laura over here."
"My name is Carol!" the woman snarled.
"Yeah, yeah, just keep feeding me sandwiches, babe," Kraft replied.
Emmitt and his new friends waited for what seemed like an eternity. Emmitt was content with being patient, but Rice wasn't handling it nearly as well. He began pacing back and forth and finally snapped.
"How long is that fat slob going to keep us waiting!?" Rice whined. "If this man wasn't nice enough to give us a plane ride, I'd storm in there and punch that hoe in the mouth, and then I'd drag her to the front of the plane!"
"Calm down, Ray," Gordon said. "It's not like he can have infinite Arby's sandwiches on this plane. He has to run out sooner or later."
Rice shot Gordon an evil look, and was about to say something before Emmitt interjected.
"Guys, Mr. Krass have infinity sandwiches on this plane because he have Arby's machine that make him a sandwich anytime he want to, but soon the Hour of Soda Reflection gonna be comin', and this when Mr. Krass take hour break from eating sandwich and reflection on the sandwich he eated while drinkin' some soda."
Sure enough, the Hour of Soda Reflection arrived, and Kraft emerged from the back of the plane. He asked for a detailed recap of what transpired in England, and Emmitt and his friends recounted how they barely escaped Downtown Abbott from zombified automatons who wanted to spread their staph infection by sharing toiletries. Kraft had a horrified expression on his face, but only because he wasn't able to think about his Arby's sandwiches during the Hour of Soda Reflection.
"Emmitt, we need to do something about this," Kraft said once Emmitt finished telling his story. "We need to take action immediately so that I can continue to reflect during the Hour of Soda Reflection."
Kraft went to the cockpit and informed the pilot that they would be changing course and flying to Arby's Island, a service depot in the middle of the Atlantic where they serve Arby's to fat people in dire need of sandwiches during long flights.
The plane turned, but hit some turbulence in the process. It wasn't bad initially, but the entire aircraft began shaking. Emmitt and his friends returned to their seats and strapped on their seatbelts.
The back of the plane exploded. Emmitt turned back and saw the bikini-clad bimbo fly out into the sky. Everyone else clutched their armrests and braced for impact as the plane dived downward.
EMMITT AND FRIENDS LOST AT SEA
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Jan. 2, 2019
There was pure darkness. At least until Emmitt realized his eyes were closed. He opened them to find a dog looking down on him, panting heavily. Then, he heard a loud boom in the distance.
Emmitt instinctively got up and ran toward it. He sprinted toward the beach and found that the front part of Robert Kraft's jet was in flames. Josh Gordon stood there in a daze, while Ray Rice was running around in circles, crying and wailing his arms frantically. Kraft, meanwhile, was bent over and clutching empty Arby's wrappers.
"Emmitt, they're all gone!" Kraft cried. "They're all gone!"
As the only functional person on the beach, Emmitt did all of the work. He removed all of the luggage from the fuselage, dug through for bottles of water and even recovered a stray curly fry that he presented to his employer. Kraft cracked a smile, but only for a brief second.
Emmitt built a fire after the sun set, and then the four men sat around it in silence, hoping that a plane or a ship would spot them. The stillness was interrupted by a loud, mechanical sound emanating from the rainforest. The trees shook, and it appeared as though it was getting closer to them, but it just stopped.
"If that's a woman, I'm totally going to knock her out!" Rice bravely stated.
"Maybe that's an Arby's delivery truck," Kraft said hopefully.
"I don't think that was a woman or an Arby's delivery truck," Gordon replied, prompting Rice and Kraft to both sulk.
The four men struggled to sleep that night. The sun rose before they knew it, yet they were still stranded there with no hope in sight.
"We should go to the cockpit," Gordon suggested. "Maybe they have a radio we can use."
"I am confuse, very confuse," Emmitt responded. "First you suggestin' we watch cock fight, which is unlegal. Then you say we need a radio. We do not need musics at a time like these!"
Gordon explained what he meant, and once Emmitt realized what "cockpit" and "radio" meant, he agreed to traverse through the rainforest. Kraft agreed to go as well. "Maybe I'll find the Arby's sandwiches along the way," he said with a hint of hope in his voice.
Emmitt and his crew packed up some supplies and ventured toward the cockpit. It didn't take them very long to get there, and once they did, Emmitt, Gordon and Kraft volunteered to enter that part of the plane, which was resting vertically against a giant boulder. The former two reached the cockpit after some difficult climbing when they noticed that Kraft had disappeared. Their concerns dissipated once they found that the pilot was still breathing.
"Wake up, pilot!" Emmitt said. "You has a radio that not only play music, but can talk to other person! We need to turn on your radio!"
"Only... static..." the pilot said, grasping for Gordon's water bottle. "I tried... no contact... no one knows we're..."
The pilot was cut off when a giant pillar of black smoke smashed through the glass and ripped the man's head off. Emmitt and Gordon heard Rice wailing like a little girl in the distance, but the two former players weren't frightened.
"Smoke is just the weak cousin of fire," Emmitt declared. "The only way you can get burnt to death by smoke is if you breathe him in, so hold your breath!"
Gordon did the exact opposite. He moved toward the pillar of black smoke and inhaled as much as he possibly could. The smoke monster roared, but could not do anything to help itself as it filled Gordon's lungs. By the time Gordon was done, the smoke monster was completely gone.
"I told you, it was only second-hand smoke, cough, cough," Gordon chirped.
"Whoa, what happened!?" Kraft shouted, seemingly out of nowhere. The football owner popped into the cockpit with ketchup and mustard plastered all over his face.
"We were here fighting a giant column of smoke, and you were eating Arby's in the plane bathroom!?" Gordon snapped.
"Uhh... no... this is... uhh... blood and urine... I fought the fog thing too, I swear," Kraft muttered.
"Whatever," Gordon said, turning toward Emmitt. "Let's get off this rock."