The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Jan. 30, 2019
They could see the smoke from a mile away. They knew there was a possibility that the Crips' headquarters was set ablaze, but no one wanted to say it. It could have just been another building that was burning, yet each man was less optimistic with each step they took toward their destination.
And then they saw it with their own eyes - flames engulfed the Crips' hideout. Some of the young men - many of whom happened to not be wearing any pants - fled from it. Others cried out for their friends, who were trapped inside. At the center of it all was a convertible that somehow collided with the building. Emmitt and his friends quickly understood that the car exploded when it crashed into the Crips' home.
They found DeSean Jackson, the leader of the Crips, stoically staring at the flames.
"What happened?" Rice asked.
DeSean didn't say anything for a while. He then pointed to an older white male who was mashing buttons on his cell phone. Emmitt and his friends recognized him instantly.
"That is Jim Irving, the owner of the Colt!" Emmitt exclaimed.
"Irsay, Emmitt," Josh Gordon said, correcting his friend.
Emmitt and the rest of the gang approached Irsay, who was shouting expletives at his phone.
"Jim, what is the meaning of this?" Robert Kraft asked.
"I can't fit 140 letters into this tweet!" Irsay yelled. "I'm asking Andrew Luck if he likes Cocoa Puffs or Cocoa Pebbles more, and I also want to say that I bought two boxes of Cocoa Puffs today, but I can't make it all fit, God damn it!"
"Well, maybe these here Dallas Cowboy playoff tickets will cheer you up," Jerry Jones smiled, reaching into his pocket.
"Ha! Dallas Cowboy playoff tickets, that's a good one!" Irsay laughed. "That's a great joke. OK, I feel better now. What did you guys want?"
The men pressed Irsay to reveal what transpired. Irsay, who finally sent his tweet, discussed the events of that night.
"You see, I was making a special delivery to a friend; it was cocaine," Irsay said. "OK, fine, it was more than cocaine. My cool friends managed to mix cocaine, crack, crystal meth, weed and Cocoa Puffs all into one drug. It's fantastic. I was going to sell some to an associate of mine, but then I thought, why not do some myself? So, I zipped down my pants - you inject this stuff into your anus, you know - and oh man, it felt good. Wow, it felt good."
Emmitt and his crew had no response. They just stood still with their mouths agape Irsay continued his tale.
"So, I'm still driving around, high as f***, and I forgot where I had to go. That's when I saw this ugly hooker on the side of the road. I was like, 'Yo hooker, get in and blow me while I inject more of this drug into my anus.' So she did that, and I'm so high at this point that I can't even see s***, and then I can't remember what happened, but I crashed into this building."
Once again, everyone was speechless. Irsay cleared his throat and kept going.
"The hooker is nowhere to be found, but then I remembered that I had tanks of propane in my trunk, so I was like 'I better get the f*** out of here!' So I jumped out of the car and landed on top of the ugly hooker. She's mad as s*** that I disturbed her nap, and I'm like, 'Who the f*** naps on a sidewalk anyway?' So she gets mad as hell, and I don't want to deal with her. She came at me, and I knocked her the f*** out with one swing. Then, I dragged her into the building, which is burning down, so I'm guessing she's dead. Oh well."
No one had anything to say, but Ray Rice nodded. "I understand the feeling, Jim."
"Cool," Irsay replied nonchalantly. "Oh, I have some of that drug left over. Do any of you want that in your anus?"
Johnny Manziel was the only person to accept Irsay's offer.
JIM IRSAY RECEIVES SOFT PUNISHMENT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Jan. 31, 2019
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell held a press conference Thursday afternoon to discuss what sort of punishment Colts' owner Jim Irsay would receive for driving under the influence, doing drugs, trying to sell drugs, picking up hookers, possessing stolen propane and destroying the Crips' headquarters.
"It's come to my attention that an NFL owner did some illegal things last night," Goodell opened, robotically. "I'm very disappointed with Jim. I've spoken with him, and I've decided on the proper punishment.
"Jim Irsay will hereby be suspended for 10 minutes," Goodell declared. "He will not be able to attend any team functions, send any tweets or do anything but breathe during that time frame. Additionally, I am fining Irsay $50,000. That fine can be reduced to zero, however, if Irsay gives me back the lawnmower he borrowed from me three months ago and has yet to return."
The reporters attending the press conference were all eager to ask questions. Goodell took a few.
"Mr. Goodell, you didn't mention that Irsay hit a woman as one of his charges," Adam Schefter asked. "Why was that not addressed?"
"We simply didn't have any tape of it," Goodell replied. "We didn't see him hit a woman, so we just chose to ignore that charge. Chris, you next."
"Mr. Goodell, how can you say you haven't seen the tape when all of the television networks, including your own NFL Network, has been playing it continuously throughout the night and morning?" Chris Mortensen asked.
"That's a good question, Chris," Goodell answered. "Just because other networks have been airing it doesn't mean that we received the tape. Had we've received it, we could have added additional punishment, but that is impossible right now. Yes, Jay?"
"Yo, Roger, want to be in a commercial with me and Justin Tuck!?" Jay Glazer asked.
"Nah, I'll pass, Jay," Goodell replied. "I don't understand why you're in commercials anyway, and I can buy my way into any commercial I please, so I don't need to be invited. Next question, Mike."
"I've already reported that Jim Irsay wants to trade himself to the Cleveland Browns for five first-round picks," Mike Florio said proudly. "Do you want to confirm this story, or should I begin writing up an article right now about why I'm right and everyone else is wrong, including you and Jim Irsay himself?"
"That never happened as far as I'm concerned," Goodell said. "Final question, Ian."
"Mr. Goodell, I used my ninja moves to sneak into your office when you weren't looking, and I saw that you were indeed watching the tape of Jim Irsay hitting that hooker and dragging her into a building," Ian Rapoport revealed. "What do you have to say about that?"
"Well, if that is in fact true, then I'll say that I made a mistake," Goodell admitted. "But it's too late to change it now. We already had a plan in place with the NFLPA, and even though Irsay isn't a player, I'm not able to change his punishment. My hands are tied. Now, let me get to the next suspension. Jameis Winston stole crab legs again, so he will get a 4-year ban from our league."
Goodell walked off stage. Just as he stepped down, the 10-minute mark had expired. Irsay was once again a free man.