The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Feb. 13, 2019
While Emmitt remained in Andy Reid's dominion for the former head coach to consume, his six friends were taken back to the train car. The blonde woman, still wearing her odd yellow uniform with the signet attached to her chest, slammed the door shut. The men sat in silence and waited for her and the other guards to walk away.
As soon as their footsteps sounded like they were in the far distance, five of the six men seemingly erupted at the same time. Unfortunately, none of the plans they hatched seemed like they would work.
"How about I offer big ole Andy some Cowboy playoff tickets?" Jerry Jones asked, hopefully.
"Andy's been in the playoffs enough," Ray Rice answered. "I can beat up that blonde woman, but my fists of fury don't stand a chance against the ball coach."
The five men took turns pitching ideas, but they couldn't come up with anything very promising. DeSean Jackson sat silently with his head down.
"What if I pour alcohol in his drink and then he gets pulled over for a DUI?" Josh Gordon asked.
"Do you see Andy Reid driving anywhere, idiot?" Rice replied. "Besides, he has his underlings to run errands for him if he needs something."
"Guys, I have the answer," Jackson interrupted. The five other men instantly shut their mouths and turned toward the former receiver.
"I played for Andy Reid," Jackson said. "I know what his greatest weakness is. I know how to save Emmitt from being eaten."
Minutes later, all six men banged loudly on the train car door. It worked, as it finally got the attention of the blonde woman.
"What do you guys want?" she asked angrily after opening the door.
"If Andy Reid is going to eat Emmitt, we want to at least be there before our beloved friend goes into the coach's belly," Jackson said.
"And why would Andy allow this?" the blonde woman chuckled.
"Because I have boxes of Cocoa Puffs in my car that Andy can eat for dessert," Jim Irsay answered.
The blonde woman paused, considering the proposal, and told them she would have to check with Reid. She returned minutes later and told them to walk in single file back to Reid's home. They found Emmitt roasting there over a fire pit with an apple in his mouth.
"Uhh... injuries, hem... hem..." Reid said. "Emmitt uhh... sprained his ankle... uhh... while he was umm... being placed above the fire pit... hem, hem... Looking forward to those... uhh... Cocoa Puffs... umm... hem, hem... Will be great... uhh... for dessert."
Jackson nodded to his friends and then looked at his watch.
"Andy, there's not much time left!" he shouted. "Only two minutes! What are you going to do!?"
"Uhh... uh-oh... uhh... umm... uhh... hem, hem... uhh..." Reid muttered looking around nervously.
"Only a minute, 40 left now, Andy!" Jackson yelled. "Tick-tock, Andy!"
"Not again, hem, hem... uhh... can't deal with pressure... umm... uhh... umm... uhh... umm... uhh..." Reid stuttered.
"About a minute left!" Jackson screamed. "Wait, now there's less than a minute!"
"Oh no... uhh... less than a minute... uhh... do I have timeouts... uhh... hem, hem?"
"No timeouts... uhh... what do I do... uhh... uhh... uhh... uhh... WHAT DO I DO!?!?!"
"Thirty seconds now!"
"AHHH NOO UHH... HEM, HEM... UHH... AHH... AHH... AHHHHHH... NO TIMEOUTS... NO TIME LEFT... NO TIMEOUTS... NO TIME LEFT..."
"Fifteen seconds left!"
Reid collapsed in the fetal position and appeared as though he was having a seizure. The blonde woman ran to save her boss, but something grabbed her leg. It was a giant puddle of black ooze.
"I AM THE SKIN OF EVIL!" the ooze shouted. "I WILL KILL EVERYONE BECAUSE I AM EVIL, AND I WILL START WITH YOU!"
The ooze engulfed the blonde woman, who completely disappeared.
Jackson and the other men rushed over to Emmitt and untied him.
"Thanks for savin' my lives!" Emmitt exclaimed.
"No problem," Jackson nodded. "Now, let's go save everyone else's life."
EMMITT FINDS SECOND SCION
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, Feb. 14, 2019
Emmitt and his friends arrived in California the following morning. The trip seemingly took forever, but everyone looked relieved, as there was a new sense of hope among the group. Having escaped Andy Reid's stomach and Gus Bradley's death town took a toll on them, but those events were over with. They could now focus on finding the second of three scions in the Walking Buc Apocalypse.
"Where do we go now, Emmitt?" DeSean Jackson asked.
"What do you mean, 'where do we go now?'" Josh Gordon asked, sounding annoyed. "I thought you knew where the second scion was!"
"OK, maybe I lied a little bit," Jackson replied. "But I do know for a fact that he's in California. Now, we just have to find him."
"All right, let's just search all of California then!" Ray Rice barked, sarcastically.
"Guys, it's OK," Johnny Manziel interjected calmly. "Emmitt will know where the scions are."
Emmitt stared blankly back at Manziel. "How am I suppose to knowed where the sign is? California a big city!"
"Open your trusty atlas, Emmitt," Manziel answered. "Flip to the California page. Notice anything?"
Emmitt once again saw that a part of California was glowing. It was even brighter now, and strangely enough, it was making a hum that was barely audible.
"The sun keep hittin' the one spot in my atlas," Emmitt said. "And now the sun makin' some noise!"
"That's not the sun, Emmitt," Manziel responded. "That's the second scion. Where exactly is the bright spot in this atlas?"
"The sun shinin' on a town call Bevery Hills," Emmitt answered. "I'm glad this place not call Beverly Mountain because I hate mountain!"
Jackson's Toyota Sienna turned south and headed toward Los Angeles. They finally reached Beverly Hills several uneventful hours later. A ghastly looking, albeit well-endowed woman walked over and banged on the windshield. Rice and Gordon agreed that she looked vaguely familiar.
"Used condoms?" she asked, continuing to smack the window. "Anyone want to share used condoms with me?"
"It's sad to see the Walking Buc Apocalypse reach Beverly Hills," Manziel said, sounding upset.
"Oh, that's not a Walking Buc," Jackson replied. "That's just Lindsay Lohan. She always looks like that after her coke binges. Always asking to share used condoms. She probably doesn't even know whose semen is in them."
The men continued their drive, following the light in Emmitt's trusty atlas. As they got closer and closer, the sound emanating from the book grew louder. Minutes later, they finally had arrived at their destination: a recording studio.
Fortunately, the parking lot was completely devoid of Walking Buc activity, so the men simply parked the car and walked in. They instantly heard horrifying music as soon as they entered the building.
That spells baby, baby, baby
You my baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby
I want you to be my baby, baby, baby
Baby, baby, baby
Jackson collapsed on the ground and then rolled over. He had tears in his eyes and sported a smile that could light up an entire city.
"Justin Bieber!" he squeaked. "O-M-G, I finally get to meet Justin Bieber!"
The other five men looked at each other quizzically.
"Justin Bieber is the second scion of the Walking Buc Apocalypse?" Rice asked.
Jackson sprung to his feet and ran to Bieber, who was still in mid-song.
"Lord Justin, Lord Justin, I love you!" Jackson said. "I knew you were the second scion of the Walking Buc apocalypse! I just knew it!"
Bieber looked right at Jackson and continued to sing.