The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Feb. 18, 2019
Emmitt and his friends spent the weekend testing out Justin Bieber's ability. The young pop singer's angelic voice continued to draw in any Walking Buc abominations within earshot. They continued to be mesmerized by Bieber's vocal chords; they had completely stopped their pursuit of sharing various toiletries with the uninfected.
"This is great and all, but how are we going to save the entire world with this?" Josh Gordon said on Friday. "Bieber can't keep going forever."
Bieber did manage to sing throughout the entire weekend, impressively coming up with new songs on the fly, all of which had the word "baby" in it multiple times.
Several uninfected people stopped by to see what was going on, and they were astonished that Emmitt and his crew had found a way to neutralize the Walking Bucs. Several civilians also requested autographs from Emmitt, Johnny Manziel and Bieber. Emmitt and Manziel obliged - and one man wearing a Cowboys' jersey was so happy to see Emmitt that he hugged him - but they told the Bieber fanatics that they didn't want to interrupt his singing because the Walking Bucs would snap out of their daze.
"Now that we're confident that Bieber can stop all of these Walking Bucs in their tracks whenever he sings, we have to find the third scion of the Walking Buc apocalypse so that we can end it all," Manziel said. "Emmitt, open up your trusty atlas so we can find out where to find this third scion."
Emmitt reached into his back pocket, but his eyes popped out of his head when he realized it wasn't there.
"My atlas; he got stolened!" he exclaimed.
"What do you mean it was stolen!?" Gordon shrieked. "How are we going to end this thing if we can't find the third scion!?"
"Emmitt, did you ever take it out of your back pocket?" Manziel asked. "Maybe you misplaced it."
"I never have takened out the atlas from my back pocket or front pocket or side pocket or back pocket," Emmitt answered. "Someone musted have stolened him."
"Emmitt, was there anyone that stood out this weekend?" Manziel asked. "Wait a second, Emmitt, what about that guy in the Cowboys' jersey who hugged you out of the blue? Could he have swiped it?"
"It is very possibles," Emmitt replied. "At first I think he a homophobe because he hug me out of nowhere, but now I realize that he could has been a thieves. And unlike Robin Hoods, he stolened from the rich and give to the rich."
"How are we going to find it!?" Gordon cried.
"I think you know exactly how," Manziel said with a stern expression on his face.
"No... Johnny, no... you know I don't want to do that!" Gordon whined. "I'll get into trouble again!"
"Josh, you have no choice," Manziel snapped. "It's our only shot, and you have to take one for the team."
It took some convincing - and more Gordon sobbing - but they finally forced him to utilize his powers. They asked Jim Irsay to light up a joint and blow smoke into Gordon's face.
"No, not more second-hand smoke, cough, cough," Gordon whimpered.
Minutes later, Gordon's eyes reddened. He was high via the second-hand smoke. Staring at the ground, he pointed west.
"He went that-a-way," Gordon said confidently, beginning to march westward.
"How do he know where to go?" Emmitt asked.
"It's quite simple, Emmitt," Manziel responded. "When Josh is high, he can see magical footprints on the ground leading the person who did him wrong most recently."
Emmitt rubbed his head, trying to soak everything in.
"Come on, Emmitt," Manziel said, placing his hand on Emmitt's shoulder. "Let's get your trusty atlas back."
EMMITT RETRIEVES TRUSTY ATLAS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Feb. 18, 2019
Emmitt and Johnny Manziel followed Josh Gordon, who was in a daze while following the magical footsteps he was seeing on the ground. They decided to leave Jerry Jones, Ray Rice, DeSean Jackson and the high Jim Irsay behind with Justin Bieber just in case something went wrong, though Rice changed his mind and caught up with them.
"What are you doing?" Manziel asked. "We told you to stay behind."
"They got it under control," Rice answered. "Besides, you guys might need my fists of fury when dealing with this thief."
"But this thief is a man!" Manziel snapped. "Once we see him, you'll just cower in fear and contribute nothing."
"Well... well... I... well..." Rice stuttered. "What if he has a female accomplice? Then I can step in and punch her like I've never punched anyone before!"
Meanwhile, Gordon was completely entranced. "Pretty glowing footsteps..." he muttered to himself. "Pretty pink footsteps ... pretty pink footsteps glowing on the ground..."
Emmitt, Manziel and Rice followed Gordon until they reached the beach. Gordon turned left and walked until he came to a cabana.
"Footsteps end here..." Gordon said, talking to the ground. "No more glowing footsteps ... no more glow..."
"We'll kick the door down on three and take him by surprise," Manziel whispered. "One ... two ... three!"
Emmitt, Manziel and Rice kicked the door simultaneously, which collapsed onto the floor. Sure enough, the same man wearing a Cowboys jersey was in there, rummaging through his wares. He had piles of underwear, countless bottles of cologne and numerous books scattered throughout his home.
"I'm Joseph Randle, what is the meaning of this!" he yelled, but then realized whom he was addressing. "Oh, Emmitt, and Johnny, hey... I, uhh... didn't steal an atlas from you, Emmitt, I mean, how are you guys doing, can I get you all a drink?"
"No, but you can get us Emmitt's atlas back," Manziel said, sharply. "We never even said you stole anything of his in the first place, so you obviously knew it was gone."
Manziel stared at the books scattered throughout the floor. All of them were atlases.
"We thought you only stole cologne and underwear," Manziel said.
"Ha, those idiots never found the atlases I stole from Dillard's!" Randle howled. "They were so focused on the underwear and cologne I had, they never even found the atlases in my back pocket!"
"But I need atlas for my back pockets," Emmitt said. "Please, Joseph R... R... Simmons, from one former Cowboy to none other, can I please has my atlas backs?"
"Yeah, come on, Joseph," Manziel pleaded. "Do you really need another atlas when you already have hundreds?"
"No, I need all the atlases and colognes and underwears!" Randle snapped. "You only need these three things at the end of times, and they are mine! All mine!"
Randle grabbed a bottle of cologne and sprayed Manziel in the face.
"Ahh, it burns! It burns!" Manziel cried.
"Leave here, or I'll spray Emmitt too!" Randle warned.
Meanwhile, Rice, who hid behind the couch this entire time, quietly muttered to himself, I can do it. This guy is a man, but I can do it. I can do it. I can ... no I can't ... but wait, he's a weirdo... yeah, I can beat up weirdos in addition to women, too!
Rice pounced from behind the couch and began pounding Randle's face.
"I'm going to drag you through the hotel lobby so everyone sees how strong I am, rawr!" Rice shouted, pummeling Randle's face.
By the time Rice was through with Randle, the former Cowboy was just a bloody pulp. Rice stood up and saw that both Emmitt and Manziel had shocked expressions on their faces.
"Ray, we never thought you could beat up a man!" Manziel exclaimed.
"I'm a man of many talents," Rice beamed, handing Emmitt the atlas.