The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2019
No one knew how to react. Everyone in Emmitt's party was speechless upon hearing that Adrian Peterson, the third scion of the Walking Buc apocalypse, was waiting for them, when they had been scouring the entire country in search for him this entire time. Johnny Manziel started to ask a question, but couldn't seem to put his thoughts together.
Peterson finally broke the silence.
"You've come for me, and we're going to end this madness," he said. "The Walking Bucs have roamed our planet long enough."
"But how did you know you were one of the scions of the Walking Buc apocalypse?" Manziel asked, finally composing his thoughts.
"It all started at the beginning..." Peterson said looking at the ground.
It was family game night at the Peterson household. One of my baby mamas went to the store to pick up some white cheddar popcorn - a personal favorite of ours. She had been gone far too long, and I knew something was afoot. And that's when it happened - countless abominations roamed the streets, yelling out for anyone to share their napkins, tissues, handkerchiefs, toilet paper... you name it.
I barred the doors shut, and as I was doing so, I saw my baby mama. She had nasty scars on her face, just like the rest of them, and she looked at me and she asked if I needed one of her tampons. I ignored her and made sure the house was secure.
I don't know how long it was - maybe a couple days - when there was finally a knock on the door. An older man, who happened to be uninfected, wanted to seek refuge. I normally would have turned him away, but my son and I needed a third for Peterson family game night, so I let him in. He introduced himself as Jeeves. He was a Tampa native, who happened to be in town visiting some family, and he desperately wanted to get home to reunite with his lover, Vincent. However, he needed somewhere to stay the night before going back home.
About an hour later, Jeeves, my son and I were playing Monopoly. My son built three houses on Park Place and two houses on Boardwalk. I asked my son why he didn't build three hours on Boardwalk instead of Park Place, when it was the same amount of money. He told me he liked the sound of Park Place better than Boardwalk because it reminded him of trees. I told him he was stupid and that he would be missing out on $300 in rent money as a difference, and he told me he didn't care. So, I did what all great dads normally do when their offspring make incorrect financial choices in board games - I whipped out my switch and beat him silly.
Now, I don't want to hear any whining from any of you. I got into trouble for beating my son with a switch before when we had a disagreement on which game to play on Peterson Game Night. He wanted to play Candy Land, while I wanted to try Girl Talk. It said a "game of truth or dare" right on the box! Who would want to pass that up? My son, that's who, so I beat him silly, as all great fathers would.
Anyway, as I was beating my son, my trusty switch began glowing. Jeeves looked astonished. He said that he read a prophecy in which a man with a glowing stick would lead humanity to salvation at its darkest hour. He also said that I would have to wait until eight men visited me. One man would be grammatically challenged. The second would be a horribly violent man capable of beating women. The third would be a stupid stoner who ruined Cory Matthews. The fourth would be an obnoxious Texan. The fifth would be a wild partier. The sixth would be a renowned gang member with a strange fetish. The seventh would be a Twitter fiend. And the eighth would be a famous man with a lesbian haircut.
Peterson finally looked up. "And here you guys are," he said. "All eight of you - just as Jeeves prophesized."
THE THREE SCIONS, BUT NOW WHAT?
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Feb. 20, 2019
Everyone marveled at how great Adrian Peterson's story was, but Ray Rice posed the question on everyone's mind.
"How are you supposed to help us stop the Walking Bucs?" Rice asked. "Emmitt here found all of the scions with his trusty atlas, and Justin Bieber can make the Walking Bucs fall into a trance with his angelic voice, but what can you do?"
"I've been wondering that myself," Peterson replied. "It has to do with my switch, I just know it. You said Emmitt has his atlas, while Justin has his voice. All three of us scions have a magical weapon to defeat the Walking Bucs, and mine is the switch, but I don't know how to use it."
"Maybe you has to turn switch on and not on," Emmitt said. "Like the light switch in the room - you move him up to turn the light on, and you move him down to turn the light not on. I forgetted the word for not on."
"It's not that type of switch," Rice interjected. "Adrian, try hitting one of us and see if that does anything."
Peterson looked at Rice like he had two heads.
"Hit one of you?" Peterson gasped. "But none of you are children. Justin doesn't even count because he's over 18. I only hit children with my switch because I'm scared of what could happen if I hit a grown man. What if he tries to beat me up!?"
"You don't have to worry about that," Rice said sympathetically. "Adrian, I once believed that my fists of fury could only be used on women, but throughout my travels, I've learned that I am capable of pummeling men as well. If you truly believe in yourself, you'll find that you have the power within yourself to use your switch to hit an adult."
Peterson closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
"OK, I think I can give it a shot," he said. "But who's willing to be the test subject? I can be very forceful with my switch, and I've made my son cry quite often. Perhaps I won't be able to harm an adult, but I won't know until I try."
"Jerry Jones here can be your test subject," Manziel said, shoving a shocked Jones forward. "Jerry may seem like an ordinary NFL owner, but he's a great doctor capable of fixing wounds, especially those suffered to any back. With Jerry in the vicinity, any person can recover from a horrible back injury, and he can clear them to play football faster than any doctor in America."
Jones looked nervously at Manziel, and then Peterson.
"This is true," Jones said warily. "My old quarterback, Tony Romo, was able to play just minutes after getting hurt real bad, and I was the only one willing to clear him. Maybe I can clear myself after you hurt my back."
Peterson ordered Jones to take off his shirt. He closed his eyes and sighed once more before striking Jones in the back repeatedly with his switch. The others gasped, as blood spewed everywhere. Peterson, meanwhile, seemed to be in a groove.
"That'll teach you to buy the two utility companies!" he cried. "Those are absolutely worthless!"
It seemed like an eternity, but Peterson was finally finished. Jones collapsed, crying in agony. However, just seconds later, he stood on his own feet and hopped up and down, almost as if nothing happened.
"I'm clearing myself to play football!" he announced proudly.
"Did anything happen?" Rice asked. "It doesn't seem like it worked."
The nine men decided that it would be best if Peterson tried his switch on a Walking Buc, so they found one, busted its knee caps and allowed Peterson to freely have his way with it. Once again, nothing magical occurred.
"What do we do now?" Josh Gordon asked, looking frustrated.
"There's only one move that makes sense," Manziel replied. "We need to go find Jeeves."