The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Feb. 23, 2019
The nine men rested for the night and embarked back for Tampa on Thursday morning. Their goal was simple - find a man named Jeeves who was the only person they were aware of who knew how to end the Walking Buc apocalypse.
The trip back to Tampa was uneventful, and Justin Bieber serenaded his friends with a lovely tune. The skies opened up, and rain poured down as Bieber began his third song.
"See those raindrops?" asked DeSean Jackson, who was finally taking a break from driving his Toyota Sienna. "Those are angels crying upon hearing Justin's beautiful voice." Jackson proceeded to rub his own nipples. He reached for Adrian Peterson's, but the former Viking running back resisted.
"This is all business," Peterson said, gripping his switch. "I'm not here to make lovers."
The Sienna reached Tampa by Friday morning. Emmitt opened up his trusty atlas in hopes of discovering where Jeeves happened to be.
"It only show three ball of light on the Florida city page," Emmitt said, sounding disappointed. "I almost got excitement when I see the three balls, but then I remember that one of the balls is myselves, the other balls is Justin Beaver and the other balls is... uhh... I forgetted the name of the guy holdin' the sticks."
"My name is Adrian Peterson," Peterson said, looking hurt.
"I apologize," Emmitt said, putting his hand on Peterson's shoulder. "I very apologize."
"Like I said, I'm not here to make lovers," Peterson snapped, turning away.
"Emmitt," Johnny Manziel interrupted. "Why don't you try speaking to your atlas?"
"How can I speak to my atlas?" Emmitt asked, giving Manziel a weird look. "The atlas do not have a... uhh... thing on the face with lip and teeth and tongues."
"You mean a mouth?" Manziel replied. "It doesn't need a mouth. Just ask it where to find Jeeves, and it might show you the way."
"OK, trusty atlas," Emmitt said, clearing his throat and looking down at the book. "Where can I found the guy name Jeeves?"
A fourth ball of light appeared on the book. It was shining over Coyote Ugly, one of the more famous bars in Tampa. Jerry Jones, who was at the wheel, took everyone there.
Upon arrival, the nine men skirted toward the bar, trying to avoid making any loud noises to attract any Walking Bucs. Emmitt attempted to open the door, but it wouldn't budge.
"Maybe I should try to make a talk to the door like I doned with my trusty atlas?" Emmitt said quietly, looking hopeful that Manziel would approve of this idea. Manziel instead shook his head and knocked.
"Jeeves, we know you're in there," Manziel tried to announce without yelling. "I'm with Adrian Peterson, and we need your help."
The door instantly unlocked, and it opened. Vincent Jackson and a British gentleman wearing a tuxedo were standing before them.
"My name is Jeeves, and this is my lover, Vincent Jackson," the Englishman said. "We'll do whatever we can to help."
GATHERING THE WALKING BUCS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, March 11, 2019
"Quickly now, quickly, before those bloody abominations come back," the Englishman said, as Emmitt, Adrian Peterson, Ray Rice, Josh Gordon, Jerry Jones, Johnny Manziel, DeSean Jackson, Jim Irsay and Justin Bieber entered the building. Once everyone was inside, Jeeves embraced with Peterson.
"I'm glad you are safe, my friend," Jeeves said, but Peterson backed away.
"Why does everyone think I'm on this trip to make lovers?" Peterson snarled.
"My apologies, good chap," Jeeves said. "However, you have my eternal gratitude for housing me at the beginning of the Walking Buc apocalypse. I was able to reunite with the lovely Vincent Jackson after my long journey from Texas."
Jeeves grabbed Jackson's hand tightly.
"Of course, the lovely Vincent had the most arduous of journeys, as he was in a coma before all of this began," Jeeves said. "Nevertheless, we are all here together now, and it is our duty to put an end to this dreadful apocalypse."
Everyone nodded in agreement. Johnny Manziel was the first to ask the pertinent question.
"Jeeves, how can Adrian Peterson use his switch to stop these zombies?" Manziel asked. "We have all three scions together. Emmitt can use his trusty atlas to find scions; Justin Bieber's melodic voice attracts Walking Bucs and puts them into a trance, but what can Peterson do?"
"I can hit people," Peterson interjected. "Jeeves, I am quite skilled at taking out my anger with this switch. Just a week ago, I punished my beloved son, I... well... I can't remember his name, but he foolishly passed up on B&O Railroad after purchasing two other railroads in Monopoly. It was one of the most idiotic maneuvers I have ever seen in that game, and I believed that he needed a beating to learn his lesson."
Jeeves shook his head disapprovingly.
"Adrian, you have learned to be aggressive with your weapons," Jeeves said. "You need to become a pacifist if you truly desire to unlock the power of the Switch of Destiny."
"The Switch of Destiny?" Peterson said to himself, looking at his beloved stick. "How am I supposed to do that?"
"You have to believe in yourself," Jeeves said calmly, then looked around at everyone else. "I say it's high time to draw in all of the Walking Bucs from across the globe."
Everyone's jaw dropped. They all seemingly wondered the same thing. Did he really want to bring all of these zombie-like abominations to Tampa? Jeeves began to explain himself before anyone could call him crazy.
"We need to gather them here so we can cure them all at once," Jeeves explained. "We have Justin's angelic voice to do that, but it needs to be loud enough for the entire world to hear. Luckily, we're just in the right place to do just that..."
"George Steinbrenner's stadium!" Jerry Jones exclaimed before Jeeves could finish. "My old friend George built a stadium for his Yankees right here in Tampa. I visited him once and offered him Dallas Cowboys playoff tickets. This was back when they really were worth something - no, really, they were - and he told me about his super-sonic speaker system that he installed. If you turn it up at the maximum volume, anyone on the globe can hear what's going on there - even if they're at the South Pole!"
Everyone decided that they needed to head to Steinbrenner's stadium right away. They piled into Jackson's Toyota Sienna again and drove over. They encountered a dozen Walking Bucs along the way, but had Bieber sing to avoid any complications.
Upon arrival, Jones led everyone to the super-sonic speaker room.
"Justin, let the entire world hear your angelic voice," DeSean Jackson said, moving his hand toward his nipples in anticipation. Bieber nodded and began to sing.
Come on everyone, come to George's stadium, baby
Come enjoy a hot dog and a soda pop, baby
We're going to hit a home run, baby
We're going to throw a strikeout, baby
Strike one, strike two, strike three, baby
S-T-R-I-K-E-O-U-T, baby. S-T-R-I-K-E-O-U-T, baby!
Slowly but surely, several Walking Bucs filed into the stadium and stood completely motionless at midfield. As the hours passed, more Walking Bucs entered. Days later, there were hundreds of thousands of Walking Bucs, including Robert Kraft, and by the time a week passed, there were countless millions. Many were wet from walking across various bodies of water. The stadium was eventually so packed that they were piled up on top of each other, but they were all entranced by Bieber's voice.
After two weeks, the Walking Bucs finally stopped arriving.
"That happens to be all of them," Jeeves said. "Adrian, it is time for you to put an end to this."