The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, March 18, 2019
Adrian Peterson looked down at the countless millions of Walking Bucs that filled George Steinbrenner's stadium in Tampa. The urge to beat the entranced zombified abominations, one by one, with the Switch of Destiny coursed through his veins. It was in his nature, after all, to hit others as hard as possible with his precious stick.
That won't accomplish anything, he reminded himself, recalling that it was his job to cure humanity from this horrible plague.
Peterson closed his eyes. He suddenly knew what to do. He walked down onto the field and pushed passed the throng of Walking Bucs, who were still too busy listening to Justin Bieber's melodic voice to react. Peterson made his way to the center of the stadium and raised the Switch of Destiny toward the sky.
The reaction was instantaneous. The cloudy sky opened up just a bit, and a ray of sunshine shone directly onto Peterson.
"Adrian, Beater of Son," a voice boomed from the heavens. "You and your friends have fulfilled the prophecy of the Walking Buc Apocalypse. Your Switch of Destiny has granted me the power to cleanse humanity, so you may begin anew. I will wash away the plague from all who have gathered here, but beware of the one threat that remains - the one threat I cannot fix. The Never-Clean will find you, and you must vanquish that foe with a tool you have in your possession. But for now, please rejoice in the greatest shower the world has ever seen."
The ray of sunlight disappeared quickly, and rain began pouring down over George Steinbrenner's stadium. However, this was not ordinary rain water; it tasted like soap.
It didn't take long before Emmitt, Peterson and the rest of the crew observed the changes. The soap water that splashed onto the faces of the Walking Bucs had a remarkable effect; it was washing away all of the scars, boils and lesions that all of the infected people had developed. Everyone's faces were cleared up, and they finally snapped out of their trance.
"Where am I?" one man asked.
"The last thing I remember, someone offered me a towel, and I wiped my face with it," a woman said.
"It was like I was in a nightmare, and all I wanted to do was share various toiletries with other people," a third individual chimed in.
Emmitt turned on the loudspeaker to announce what had happened.
"Ladies and gentlefolk, my name is Emmitt, and I was the former coach of the New Zealand Patriot," Emmitt said. "In a recent turd of event, most of the people in the world of Earth got infections called the Walking Buc. My friends here, Ray Rice, Josh Johnson, Jerry Johnson, Johnny Manson, DeSean Johnson, Jim Irving, Justin Beavers, and of course, Adrian Peterman, all gather together and unite and come together, and we discover how to cure everybody, so that was what we did, with the help from some guy who livin' in a house in the sky."
That night, there was a celebration in honor of the bravery of Emmitt and his crew. The biggest party the world had ever seen was held at George Steinbrenner's stadium. DeSean Jackson and a clean Bob Kraft even reunited.
"I knew I would see you again, Bob!" Jackson beamed, hugging his friend.
"And I knew that you would have Arby's available for me at this party!" Kraft said, wiping a tear from his eye.
Even Gus Bradley was there, and he apologized to Emmitt.
"I'm sorry I tried to kill you guys on multiple occasions," Bradley said. "But now that I have my precious Chad Henne all nice and clean, I don't have to be a dick anymore."
The party went on for days. People eventually started slowly trickling out of the stadium, and eventually those in Emmitt's crew were the only ones remaining, save for a few stragglers and several hipsters, who decided to make this their new home.
Emmitt knew the time had come. He had to say goodbye to his friends. As he approached his comrades, he was shaken by a booming voice coming from the field.
"I am Carl Nicks!" a giant man shouted. "And you've ruined my Walking Buc apocalypse!"
CARL NICKS ATTACKS
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, March 18, 2019
"It's the Never-Clean!" someone shrieked.
Carl Nicks wasted no time. He somehow leapt hundreds of feet into the air, up where Emmitt and his friends were gathered. Emmitt nearly vomited at the sight of Nicks - he had the worst boils he had ever seen on a Walking Buc. It appeared as though half of Nicks' face was falling off, but that apparently had no effect on his power.
"Why didn't the soap rain work!?" Josh Gordon cried.
"Because I am the Never-Clean!" Nicks roared. "Now, I have to re-infect everyone, and you won't stop me because I know your weaknesses!"
Nicks moved so quickly that no one had time to react. He slipped a joint into Gordon's mouth, which subdued the former Cleveland receiver. He handed Jim Irsay a syringe. He grabbed Jerry Jones' Dallas Cowboys playoff tickets and ripped them in half. He slipped a $20 bill into Johnny Manziel's hands. He shoved an Arby's sandwich down Robert Kraft's throat. He wrestled away Adrian Peterson's Switch of Destiny and snapped it in half.
"Sing, Justin, sing!" DeSean Jackson cried, hoping that Justin Bieber's melodic voice would entrance the Never-Clean. Nicks was just too quick however, as he put his arm around Bieber's neck and ripped out the young pop star's larynx.
"Noooooo!!!" Jackson shouted, collapsing onto his knees beside Bieber. "Now, no one will ever hear your angelic voice ever again!"
Emmitt and Ray Rice were the only ones who remained. It was fitting, after all, as they were the first two of the group to unite. Nicks looked at Rice and laughed.
"If I were a female, I'd have to take care of you too!" Nicks howled. "But I'm not a little girl, so you can't beat me up!"
Nicks then focused on Emmitt, and his eyes shifted on the trusty atlas.
"I'm ripping that to shreds!" Nicks barked, storming toward Emmitt. He was inches away from reaching Emmitt's trusty atlas, when someone grabbed him. He turned around and was surprised to see who it was.
"I'm not afraid to beat up men anymore!" Rice said valiantly, as he began to pummel Nicks with his fists of fury. As the two men wrestled, Jackson finally snapped out of it.
"Emmitt, the tool!" Jackson yelled. "I think God may have been referring to your trusty atlas!"
Emmitt frantically opened the atlas. A beam of light shot out of the book and enveloped Nicks.
"AHHHHHHHH!!!" Nicks moaned, as the light dragged him toward the trusty atlas. The light continued to pull Nicks until he was sucked into the book. Emmitt closed it quickly.
"Well, the Never-Clean is gone," Jackson sighed. "But it appears as though the damage is done."
Emmitt and his friends walked back to the Crips' headquarters with Jackson, where everyone prepared to part ways before the leader of the gang invited them in.
"Why don't you guys stay a while?" Jackson asked. "We can sit in a circle and rub each other's nipples while watching Justin Bieber music videos. It'll be a special night with Lord Justin joining us."
"I was going to passed," Emmitt replied. "But on third thought, maybe everybody need to just relax and forgive what we just beened through these past few year... I mean month."
The Crips were delighted to host their new guests, and everyone had a wonderful time that night, quickly forgetting what they had endured the past few months. They rubbed each other's nipples in a non-homosexual manner.
In the shadows, a bespectacled man crept behind the bushes and looked into the building. His clenched his fists upon seeing everyone having a good time, and he swore under his breath that he would have his revenge soon enough.
all of them," Jeeves said. "Adrian, it is time for you to put an end to this."