The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, July 10, 2019
Emmitt was told that his flight from New York to North Korea would last an entire day, but it seemed much shorter than that. Nevertheless, the plane landed, and Emmitt prepared himself to begin his plan to stop Kim Jong-un from blowing up America in retaliation for Deflategate.
"Time to put a stop to the end that Kim Jongson is causing," Emmitt said as soon as he walked out of the airport. He summoned a taxi and told the driver his desired destination.
"I want to go to Kim Jongson's house," Emmitt said.
"Kim Jongson?" the cabbie asked, completely befuddled. "I never heard of no Kim Jongson."
"He the king of this country," Emmitt explained. "He the one making all the laws, and he always say the number R instead of the number L when he talk, or write, or speak, so to speak."
"Uhh... do you mean Kim Jong-un? Because that sounds exactly like him."
"Yes, you right, I call him Kim Jongson, bu his real name Kim Jon... Jong... Jongsonson."
"Bud, you're in the wrong place," the taxi driver said, trying his best to hold in his laughter. "Kim Jong-un is in North Korea. You're in North Carolina."
Emmitt slapped his forehead, incredulous that he once again made a traveling error; he previously flew to New Zealand instead of New England when he was first assigned to be the head coach of the Patriots about six years ago. Now, history was repeating itself.
"I... I am so stupids," Emmitt said. "I got the wrong city wrong. Here I am in the city of North Carolina, but I should of flowned to the city of North Korean instead. Is North Korean far from North Carolina? Can I make the walk there, or do you suggest ridin' the bus?"
"Bud..." the cabbie said slowly. "North Korea isn't on the same continent. You could technically walk there, I suppose, but you'd be walking under the ocean, and that ain't no good."
"Yes," Emmitt agreed. "Because bad things live under the ocean like shark, sting ray and pirate."
Emmitt grabbed his luggage and stepped out of the taxi. He turned back toward the airport, but saw a familiar face exiting it. The man was fuming, and Emmitt immediately followed him, knowing that he would have to make a quick detour...
EMMITT STOPS SEEMINGLY HORRIBLE CRIME
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, July 9, 2019
There's no question that domestic violence has been an issue for the NFL in recent years. It all began when Ray Rice was caught on tape punching his then-fiancee, current wife. Rice was banished from the NFL until he issued an apology that his PR person wrote for him on SportsCenter during one summer afternoon in 2015. People clamored for Rice to get another chance until they realized that unlike Greg Hardy, he would have been on an NFL roster if he could still perform on a high level and didn't suck.
However, what we saw with our very own eyes Tuesday afternoon makes the Rice ordeal look like child's play.
We tracked Emmitt from the airport to a gated community, as Emmitt himself followed the man he recognized from the airport. The man eventually reached a house that had all of the blinds closed. He opened the front door and turned off the blaring alarm. He looked around to see if anyone was watching him - Emmitt quickly dashed into a nearby bush; as did we - and then he hastily shut the front door.
Emmitt approached the house and heard some odd noises. It sounded like something was being lashed, and this was followed by a whimper. Emmitt stepped back from the front door and said to himself, "It sound like a female getting beatened to death - and female the opposite of male like life is the opposte of death."
Emmitt braced himself. "I would not has to do this if the female was getting beatened to life instead of death, but life is the opposite of death."
Just as Emmitt began to charge toward the door to kick it down, a giant, bearded man approached him and told him to stop.
"Here's a lock pick," he said, handing one to Emmitt. "It might be handy if you, the master of unlocking, take it with you."
"Thanks, maybe I'll need it," Emmitt said, as he watched the bearded man head in the other direction.
Emmitt used the lock pick and was surprised at how proficient he was at utilizing it. "Maybe I am the masters of unlockers," he said to himself.
Emmitt quietly opened the unlocked door and snuck into the house. We followed behind and were appalled at what we witnessed. Former Saints and Redskins linebacker Junior Galette was holding a whip and lashing a blindfolded female, who was tied to his bed.
"You're getting what you deserve!" Galette shrieked, lashing her stomach. "I asked for a ham-and-cheese sandwich, yet you made a turkey-and-cheese sandwich for me! That was strike one!
Then, you deleted my recording of Girl Meets World on the DVR. That's strike two. Two strikes and you're out in the Galette household!"
He cocked his arm back to whip the poor female again, but Emmitt was able to grab his arm and tackle him to the ground.
"No! A man is trying to attack me! Help!" Galette pleaded. "I can only beat up females; I am no match for another male!"
Galette was quickly subdued, and Emmitt proceeded to untie the female. And then, things got weird. The woman removed her blindfold - she looked familiar to us upon doing so, but we didn't realize who she was - and in doing so, her blond wig fell off. She then dived toward Galette and put the wig on Galette, then proceeded to kick him in the face repeatedly.
"This was my plan all along!" the woman spat. "I am Hope Solo, and I will destroy you because you are female!"
"No!" Galette shouted. "This is not fair! I'm usually stronger than other women!"
Emmitt scratched his head, unsure of what to do. We were puzzled as well. Should we stop Hope Solo from beating another woman, even though Galette is really a man? If we did, we would be saving Galette, who didn't deserve our rescue.
Emmitt ultimately decided to untie Galette, so the two could go at it. It was the right move, and we didn't really care who beat up whom. After all, when two douche bags are fighting each other, it doesn't really matter who wins.