The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, July 14, 2019
Emmitt was shocked. He stuttered and stammered for what seemed like quite a while, unable to gather his words upon hearing that Ray Rice was capable of flying him to North Korea this entire time.
"I cannot believe my nose... I mean my ear!" Emmitt exclaimed, finally collecting his thoughts. "You has a plane this whole time? Why did I have to pick you up from the air-o-port then? Why did you just not fly to the Hotel Davidson?"
"My private jet landed at the airport, Emmitt," Rice explained. "And I couldn't exactly park it here. There's no runway. Where would I land the plane?"
"That is great question," Emmitt said, scratching his head. "I just has one question of my own. How in the whirl did you get a private jets? And am I to understand that this private jets cannot turn into a car and drive somewhere, which is why you had to park your plane at the air-o-port?"
"That's two questions, Emmitt, and to answer the latter, it cannot turn into a car, unfortunately," Rice replied, raising one eyebrow at his friend.
"Ladder?" Emmitt asked, now looking quizzically at Rice. "What do a ladder have to do with a plane? Do you have a ladder on the plane?"
"No, a latter with two T's; not two D's."
"The word 'ladder' do not have the letter 'T' trust me," Emmitt said, confidently. "Trust me, in the University of Florida, I take a test in English class on spelling, and one of the hardest word we have to learn was 'ladder.' I study on how to spell ladder for two week, and I know for factual that 'ladder' is spelt L-A-D-D-R-E. The final 'E' is silence."
Rice quietly mouthed the word "wow" and shook his head.
"OK, you're right, Emmitt, I'm wrong," Rice said, wishing to move on from this impasse. "As for how I got this private jet, well, I basically saved up my money. I've been able to collect a lot of it over the years, and it all started with that incident in the hotel elevator where I punched my current wife."
"Ah, your wife give you money so you do not punch her again?" Emmitt asked.
"No, quite the contrary," Rice said. "Other people have given us money. The first year after the video was released was a complete nightmare, but my PR staff did a great job. They told me to look all apologetic, and soon enough, I was appearing on SportsCenter and such and talking about how horrible of a mistake it was. Everyone ate it up, and soon enough I was given book deals. I wrote such BS in those books, Emmitt, it's unreal. Eventually, Hollywood wanted to make a movie about it, and I received money from going on all of these talk shows and selling my story to others. It made me rich beyond belief, Emmitt. I'd lose all my positive fame and good will if anyone heard me say this, but punching my current wife in the elevator that fateful night is the best thing that has ever happened to me."
Emmitt was still scratching his head.
"I am confuse, very confuse," Emmitt said. "You said you have a PR staff. Are they the guys who give you the ladder?"
"What ladder?" Rice asked, annoyed that this was what Emmitt took away from the story.
"The ladder you talk about earlier," Emmitt replied.
"Ugh," Rice said, wanting to conclude this frustrating conversation. "Let's just go to my jet."
"OK, great," Emmitt obliged. "I cannot wait to see the ladders!"
MORE EVIDENCE AGAINST TOM BRADY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Emmitt and Ray Rice spent the night at the Hotel Donaldson, recuperating from slaying the succubus Jay Cutler was married to. A thunderstorm the following day didn't help matters, so the two men decided that it would be best to take off Monday morning.
Midway through the flight across the Pacific Ocean toward North Korea, Emmitt expressed some concerns.
"Guys, I think we going the wrong way," Emmitt said.
"What do you mean?" Rice asked. "My pilot is highly trained; he knows how to fly from North Dakota to North Korea."
"I'm sure he good," Emmitt said, still with some level of worry in his voice. "But look, it is the sun, and we heading in that direction. The sun rise in the east and set in the south, so it look like we going south instead of north to the city of North Korea."
Rice quietly began mouthing the word "wow" again, but was interrupted.
"Mr. Rice," the co-pilot said, with his head sticking out of the cockpit door. "You're going to want to turn on the TV. Check ESPN. Big news."
Rice wasted no time grabbing the remote control, powering on the television and flipping over to ESPN. Adam Schefter was on the screen with the words "Breaking News" written underneath him.
"...This is an amazing turn of events in the Tom Brady Deflategate case, Scott," Schefter said. "Of course, it's been more than five years since this all began, but Ted Wells, the man NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell appointed to head this case, claims to have found incriminating evidence against Tom Brady."
Schefter motioned his microphone to a jolly-looking black man with a bushy mustache.
"Thank you Adam," Wells said. "Yes, if you recall, back in 2015, the judge dismissed our case because my great report didn't have any hard facts. Well, now I was able to uncover some incriminating evidence against Tom Brady. Now, I finally have it. My crack team was able to recover the broken pieces of his cell phone that he destroyed, and using new technology, we were able to retrieve his messages.
"There is one message in particular that's especially incriminating," Wells continued, twirling his mustache. "This text was to a 350-pound nose tackle named Vince Wilfork. 'Hey, Vince, Tom Brady here. It's like totally me and stuff. This is not someone pretending to be Tom Brady after recovering his, I mean, my cell phone. Vince, you're fat like 350 pounds, right? See, that proves it's me. Well, if the equipment I use to deflate footballs in order to cheat doesn't work, will you sit on the balls during halftime so they are deflated? That would be great. Thanks, Vince. I will give you a gift as a reward, and I can avoid expensive gifts because I'm the real Tom Brady and stuff.'"
Wells stepped away, and Schefter once again addressed the camera.
"As you can see, Scott, things are once again heating up in the Deflategate trial," Schefter said in his usual monotone voice. "We tried to reach Commissioner Goodell, but were unable to get a comment from him."
Just that second, the phone on the plane rang. Rice answered it and handed it to Emmitt seconds later.
"Hello, who is this, and how you know I am on Ray Rice's jet ski, I mean plane?" Emmitt asked.
"Never mind that Emmitt!" an annoyed voice shouted on the other end. "This is Roger Goodell! I forgot to tell Ted Werrs - I mean, Wells - to stop investigating Tom Brady once we received that threat from Kim Jong-un! That man Wells is a genius, Emmitt. Genius. I want to punish Tom even further. I'd like to suspend him for five years, strip him of his Super Bowl titles, and even commandeer his wife for sexual favors, but I can't do that, Emmitt. I can't do any of it, Emmitt. Do you know why!?"
"Why?" Emmitt asked meekly.
"Because you've been in North Carolina and North Dakota instead of North Korea!" Goodell shouted. "I want to punish Tom Brady, but I can't until Kim Jong-un is out of commission!"
"But I thought you were the NFL Commission," Emmitt replied, his tone even softer.
"Just get it done, Emmitt!"
And just like that, Goodell hung up. Emmitt handed the phone back to Rice, now quite aware of his serious this mission was going to be.