The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, July 18, 2019
Emmitt received an e-mail during the second half of his flight to North Korea on Monday. It was from Roger Goodell:
Emmitt, it's Roger. I called Kim Jong-un and told him I wanted to negotiate a peace treaty with him. He told me he was intrigued, so I informed him that I would be sending a negotiator along. The meeting will be scheduled on Wednesday afternoon, so make sure you prepare. Do anything in your power to convince Kim not to blow up America. Keep in mind that I don't expect him to back off his threats, so proceed with your plan to eliminate him if the meeting doesn't go well.
P.S. Whatever you do, do not make fun of Kim's action figurines; he is rather sensitive about them.
P.P.S. I sent you a picture of myself. Do you think I look handsome today?
Emmitt showed Ray Rice the e-mail.
"That is one handsome devil," Rice said to himself.
Emmitt, however, had questions for Rice.
"What do Roger Goldman mean by a negotiator? Who do you think that is going to be?" Emmitt asked.
Rice slapped his forehead.
"That's you, Emmitt," Rice said, sighing. "You're the negotiator. Don't worry though, I'll come along and help you as best I can."
"Ah, that make senses, all five senses," Emmitt replied. "I have one more question, what do the alphabet mean at the end? The P.P.S. alphabets. Do it mean Roger Goldman have to go to the bathroom to release himselves?"
Rice didn't bother answering. Before the two men knew it, the plane landed in Pyongyang Sunan International Airport. They took a taxi to the hotel and spent all day Tuesday reviewing their plan.
"Remember, Emmitt," Rice said. "We need to paint Tom Brady as evilly as possible. If Kim Jong-un stops worshipping Tom Brady, perhaps he'll cease his threats against America."
The following day, Emmitt and Rice made their way to Kim Jong-un's headquarters. The receptionist, an old woman, told them to wait until Kim Jong-un's current meeting came to an end.
"Don't worry, Kimberly will be done soon," she said. "I told him if his meetings run late, I won't let him eat dinner while watching TV."
Emmitt and Rice exchanged looks.
"Kimberly!?" they both exclaimed at once.
"Yes, that's his actual given name, which I can only call him, since I'm his wet nurse," she explained. "Ever since Kimberly's mother passed away, I've taken care of him. I make his dinner, clean up his messes and even make sure that he brushes his teeth before going to bed."
Before either Emmitt or Rice had a chance to respond, the door to Kim Jong-un's office opened. Out stepped a man whom Rice recognized immediately. It was Jared Fogle, the former spokesman of Subway.
"Jared, what are you doing here!?" Rice asked, taking the words right out of Emmitt's mouth.
"What do you mean?" Jared replied.
"Aren't you supposed to be in prison for child rape?" Rice snapped, staring angrily at the pervert.
"Aren't you supposed to be in prison for beating your wife?" Jared snorted. "But nah, to answer your question, everyone from my prison escaped during the Walking Bucs breakout, so I defected to North Korea. Not that I want to go back to America; the age of consent in North Korea is 5, so this is the perfect place for me."
Before Emmitt and Rice could question Jared any further, the former Subway employee stormed off.
"Kimberly will see you now," his wet nurse/secretary said.
INSIDE EMMITT'S MEETING WITH KIM JONG-UN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Thursday, July 18, 2019
Emmitt and Ray Rice cautiously stepped into Kim Jong-un's office. Kim Jong-un sat behind a wooden desk, but both Emmitt and Rice were focused elsewhere.
They noticed the walls, which were covered in Tom Brady posters. Several of the posters featured Brady without a shirt on. In the middle of the room, a stone statue of Brady stood in a pool, with water pouring out of its penis. Even stranger, a familiar man rested on a hammock in one of the corners.
Emmitt and Rice approached Kim Jong-un, when they heard an unexpected squeaking noise. As it turned out, Emmitt stepped on a My Little Pony toy.
"Ah, my little girl play with these My Little Horses," Emmitt said, smiling. He expected Kim Jong-un to be just as jovial, but the North Korean leader seemed to scramble to find an appropriate response.
"Ah, ah, yes, my rittle sister arso pray with My Rittle Pony!" Kim Jong-un muttered, finally finding the words.
"Wait a second," Rice interjected. "I did extensive research, and your younger sister is now 27. How is it that she plays with My Little Ponys?"
"I don't know answer!" Kim Jong-un snapped. "Arr I know she rike to pray with them! I swear I am not the one who pray with My Rittle Pony! Don't accuse me of praying with My Rittle Pony!"
"OK, OK," Rice relented. "Let's just stick to business."
Emmitt, however, was distracted by the man who happened to be relaxing in the corner. And then it hit him. He knew exactly who it was. It was Robert Griffin III. Kim Jong-un, perhaps sensing that Emmitt was so focused on his guest, explained why the former Redskins quarterback was resting in his office.
"I see you have notice my most prize possession," Kim Jong-un said. "Robert Griffin such a great quarterback that I pay him to come pray for my favorite team in North Korea. I pay rots of money for RJ3 so if that team rooses, I gonna kirr five hundred random peopre in this country!"
Emmitt and Rice exchanged looks again, this time both of them worried.
"Do Kim Johnson know how bad Robert Griffin III Jr. is at football?" Emmitt whispered to Rice, who shook his head.
"No, remember that North Korea is five years behind, so Kim Jong-un has no idea how horrible he became," Rice whispered back.
"Guys, don't worry," Griffin said, awaking and smiling. "I can't lose."
"Ah, you wake up from sreep!" Kim Jong-un said, standing up and grabbing a vine of grapes. "He right, RJ3 cannot rose because I terr other team if they beat my team, I going to kirr their famiries right in front of them!"
Kim Jong-un then fed grapes to Griffin, one by one.
"Ah, this is nice, reminds me of my Redskin days," Griffin said, sighing and relaxing. "Life was grand back then, but then Daniel Snyder ran out of grapes."
Griffin shed a tear, but quickly wiped it away. Kim Jong-un put his arm on Griffin's shoulder, comforting his quarterback.
"Ret's get to business," he said. "Roger Gooderr say you coming and try to convince me to change my mind!"
Emmitt quickly glanced at Rice before he began.
"Kim Johnson, I am sent here to tell you that Tom Brady, the man you war ships, he not that good of a person," Emmitt said, expecting a reaction from the North Korean leader. Kim Jong-un, however, sat expressionless.
"Tom cheat at football," Emmitt said. "He put air in the football. I have no idea how he do this, but maybe he catch some air in a bottle, cut open the football and then stuff the air inside. But that not all. Tom Brady then destroy his cell phone to cover up the crime he committing. Only a guilty man destroy his cell phone. And he not only destroy his cell phone - he put the phone in recycling when it really need to go in the trash, so he not only harming the National League of Footballs, but he also harming the planet."
Rice, perhaps unconvinced that Emmitt gave a strong case, picked up where his fellow running back left off.
"Tom also cheated in other regards," Rice said. "He helped record other teams in Spygate, and it was later revealed that he paid off some of the Saints in Bountygate. Plus, I'm almost positive that he's cheating on his wife. I mean, what could those two possibly have to talk about? He's an egomaniac, so he needs a woman who actually knows what's going on to tell him how good he is."
Kim Jong-un sat back down. He paused, then slammed his fists on his desk.
"Get out from my buirding before I carr security!" he shouted.
Both Emmitt and Rice tried to protest, but to no avail.
"Tom Brady my hero, and I don't care if he do these thing!" Kim Jong-un cried. "He do not deserve to get into any troubre, and if Roger Gooderr no change his mind, I gonna brow up America, and I gonna make sure I target the houses where your famiries rive first!"
Kim Jong-un's security quickly arrived. They were a couple of pimply faced teenagers Emmitt and Rice could've fought in their sleep, but because they were carrying guns, Emmitt and Rice had to be escorted out of the building. Once outside, Emmitt turned to Rice.
"What are we going to do now that Kim Johnson do not want to speak to us anymore?" Emmitt asked.
"Simple, Emmitt," Rice replied. "We're going to have to eliminate him."