The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, July 19, 2019
Emmitt, Ray Rice and Dianna Marie Russini wasted no time driving over to the North Korea Nuclear Facility. They expected to encounter a swarm of guards, but to their surprise, no one was patrolling the perimeter.
"Something's fishy," Russini said, with Rice nodding in agreement. Emmitt, however, seemed confused.
"I do not see any fishies!" Emmitt shouted, with the other two hushing him to keep him quiet. Emmitt lowered his voice. "I'm a li-bit hungry and can go for some fishies right now."
Rice and Russini ignored Emmitt and cautiously proceeded toward the gate. Russini tried the key, and it fit perfectly. The door opened easily, and once again, the three individuals were astonished at how convenient all of this was.
"Something's wrong..." Rice said warily, but the group had no choice but to proceed.
The three of them followed a long, winding hallway with no doors or anything else on the cement walls. They made three left turns, and as soon as it seemed as though they were about to come back to where they started, they encountered a navy-blue door.
"What now?" Rice asked.
As soon as he finished asking his question, Kim Jong-un's voice echoed through the hallway.
"He caught us!" Russini exclaimed, but the three of them couldn't figure out where the voice was coming from until they saw a speaker located next to the door.
"Wercome to North Kora Nucrear Facirity!" the voice greeted them. "To get to nucrear reactor, you have to pass three triars. First triar begin now. If you fair, you wirr die horribre death!"
A hologram appeared on the door. On it was a question, "Who is the best reader is North Korea history?" with the following responses beneath it: "A. Count Chocura, my favorite cerear. B. The guy who used to beat me up in schoor and I hate him so I have him kirr! C. Kim Jong-un. D. Kim Jong-ir, stupid father."
Emmitt reached for the "A" selection, but Rice grabbed his arm right as he was about to touch it.
"Count Chocula isn't real, Emmitt!" Rice shouted.
"I know this of course," Emmitt replied, coolly. "But Kimberly Jong-un a crazy man and when we were in his office, I looked at the wall and he had a poster of Count Chocolate on his wall wearing a crown on his face."
"But Emmitt," Russini replied. "Count Chocula never ruled over North Korea. I know of Kimberly's fondness of Count Chocula, but to say that Count Chocula is a better ruler than him... it doesn't make sense."
"Well, if it do not make sense, it better make dollar," Emmitt answered, touching the "A" key before they could stop him again. Rice and Russini cowered in fear, but it was all for naught.
"Congraturations, you pass first triar!" Kim Jong-un's voice commended them. "I armost greatest rurer in North Korea history, onry second to Count Chocura, who greatest man ever to rive! He much better than my stupid dad who never ret me pray with My Rittle Pony, so I kirr him in his sreep! Hahahahaha!"
The voice continued to laugh for several minutes. Emmitt, Rice and Russini stood impatiently as they waited for it to finish.
"OK, now that I have good raugh, I now open door," the voice said. "Now, onry two more triar to go!"
And just like that, the blue door opened quickly, revealing another long, winding hallway.
"Two more of these things?" Russini asked. "I'd almost rather deal with guards."
THE FINAL TWO TRIALS AT THE NORTH KOREA NUCLEAR FACILITY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Friday, July 19, 2019
The next hallway was even longer than the last. This time, Emmitt, Ray Rice and Dianna Marie Russini made five lefts, yet they didn't come back to where they started, which confused them.
"I am confuse, very confuse," Emmitt said. "If four left make a square, and a rectangle is sometime a square but not always a rectangle, is a triangle a square sometime too but not always a triangle but sometime a rectangle?"
Rice began to answer, but the three individuals finally came upon another door. This one was white. Once again, Kim Jong-un's voice emanated from the speaker.
"Wercome back, this triar two," Jong-un's voice said. "First triar test your basic knowredge of North Korea history. This triar going to test your interrigence!"
The hologram on the door morphed into a rectangle. Suddenly, 21 horizontal lines appeared in the middle. They were in six groups that were separated by the following numbers of horizontal bars: three, then five, then four, then three, then four, then two. The final two groups were joined together by a dash. To the right of these lines, an upside-down "L" appeared. Beneath all of this were all of the letters of the English alphabet.
"We pray one of my favorite game, Hang Man," Jong-un's voice explained. "For this game, pretend rike you are praying me right now as if I happen to be in front of you. I arways rike to win Hang Man, it make me very upset when I roose. If you roose this charrenge, you going to die miserabre death. If you win charrenge, you may proceed to third triar."
Rice tapped the "M" key cautiously, and an M appeared at the end of the fourth group. It didn't take him long to realize that the final three words were "Kim Jong-un." Once all of the keys were inputted, the puzzle read like this:
_ _ _ | g i _ _ _ | _ i k _ | K i m | J o n g - u n
Rice tried a "T," but that was incorrect, as a head was instantly drawn on the upside-down L. An "E" provided to be more fruitful, as did an "L" and an "S."
_ l l | g i _ l s | l i k e | K i m | J o n g - u n
"All girls like Kim Jong-un!" Russini squealed. "I should have known he'd use something so vain!"
Rice giddily tapped the "A." He reached for the "R," but this time Russini was the one to stop him.
"Wait, wait, wait..." she said. "Wait just a second. Didn't Kimberly say that he likes to win at Hangman? And didn't he say that we had to win the challenge; not the game?"
Rice lowered his hand almost instantly.
"You're right," he said. "There was a trick with the first trial, and that's the trick here. We're supposed to lose!"
Rice tapped "Z" a bunch of times until an entire body appeared on the upside "L." The words "Game Over" appeared on the screen in giant, red letters.
"Crap, do you think we made the right decision?" Russini asked.
"Congraturation, you pass second triar!" the voice blared. "I rove win at Hangman and you ret me win, so you show smart. And before I open door, I need to say that message on Hangman is true. Arr girrs rove me so much they cannot get enough of me. Even if I was common individuar in society they arr rove me because I so sexy."
Russini laughed and shook her head. Fortunately, Kim Jong-un couldn't actually see her.
The door opened, and the heat instantly overtook the three individuals. They saw the red door ahead, across a walkway with lava beneath it.
"Wercome to third triar!" Kim Jong-un's voice echoed. "First triar you show history and knowredge. Second triar you show interrigence. Now third triar arr about athretic abirity and physicar fitness!"
A giant turtle with a spiked shell instantly materialized on the bridge. Behind him was a golden ax.
"Defeat the evir Bowser, and you going to finarry have access to nucrear reactor!" Kim Jong-un's voice once again shouted.
The holographic Bowser began breathing fire, which the three heroes were able to avoid by ducking. Bowser then jumped into the air, almost randomly, and shot another fireball, which missed them by a fraction of an inch.
"How are we supposed to kill this thing!?" Rice shrieked. "If only Bowser were a woman! Where's Wendy O. Koopa when you need her!?"
"We gotta get the golden hammer!" Emmitt shouted back. "I play the Super Mario Cousins game with my son, Emmitt Smith IV the Jr. III. If you touch the golden hammer, the bridge going to disappear, and Bowman gonna fall inside the hot!"
"But how do we get the ax with him guarding it!?" Russini asked, dodging another fireball.
"When he jump, we have to run under himselves and then get the golden hammer!" Emmitt replied, evading a fireball himself.
"OK, he hasn't jumped in a while," Rice said. "He's due for one. On three! One... two... THREE!"
The three sprinted toward Bowser, who leapt into the air once more. It didn't make sense for him to do this, but he did so anyway. Emmitt, Rice and Russini were now all behind Bowser.
Emmitt wasted no time reaching for the golden ax.
Almost instantly, the bridge crumbled, and the holographic Bowser fell into the pit of lava.
"Congraturation on beating third triar!" Kim Jong-un's voice praised them. "But our nucrear reactor in another castre! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaha!"
Before they knew what happened, they were being grabbed from behind. "Bring them back to the dungeon!" a voice commanded.
Emmitt spun around quickly enough to see who was giving the orders. It was Jared Fogle.