The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, July 20, 2019
Two men sat in a dimly lit cafe in a North Korean suburb. The two hadn't said a single word to each other throughout the entire meal. The only instances where their silence was broken happened to be when the waitress, a beautiful, well-endowed, 18-year-old woman, asked them questions pertaining to their meal.
"Here's the check; I hope everything was OK," she said, placing it in front of the chubbier of the two men.
"Sorry, I'm taken," the man snorted. "And I don't have the money to pay for this, anyway. Not after my first wife cleaned me out in last year's divorce. But he can pay for it."
The chubby, disgruntled man slid the check to his muscular friend, who just stared at it blankly. The waitress raised an eyebrow and walked away.
"When do you think they'll be arriving?" the chubby man asked. "They're taking forever. I told my girlfriend that I'd Skype with her before bed, but they're ruining it. And now my girlfriend's going to be jealous of this waitress. Everyone's ruining everything for me!"
The muscular man just shrugged his shoulders and opened up the check. He slid his credit card into it and handed it back to the waitress.
"Ugh, this is taking too long," the chubby man whined. "That's it, I'm going upstairs to Skype with my girlf..."
He stopped mid-sentence when he heard a car door slam shut. Seconds later, the cafe entranced opened, and the chubby man was staring at his old friend and employer, as well as two others he didn't recognize.
"Emmitt, it's been years!" the chubby man squealed. "I'd hug you, but my girlfriend would get jealous. How about we settle for a handshake instead?"
The chubby man extended his hand. Emmitt shook it, and was almost instantly repulsed by how clammy it was.
"Eric Mangina, it is great to see yourselves," Emmitt said, trying his best to hide his revulsion. "And I see you're still with your bestest friend, Shannon Shark."
"It's Mangini, Emmitt! And yeah, but I wouldn't call him my best friend. Mother said that I had to take a trip with him to North Korea. My girlfriend wasn't too pleased that I had to leave her, so I promised her that we'd Skype all the time. I... wait, who are your friends?"
"This is Ray Rice, he use to be a formal running back in the National Leagues of Conferences like myselves, and this girl Dianna Mariano Russia, she was a spy and pretend to be Kim Jongson's girlfriend."
"I... umm... hey, D- Dianna Mariano Russia," Mangini stammered, clearly taken aback by the woman's beauty. "If you'll excuse me, I have to go upstairs and Skype before my girlfriend gets jealous."
Mangini bolted through the back door before Dianna Marie Russini could correct Emmitt's introduction. The ninja accompanying Emmitt stepped forward.
"Well, hopefully we'll hear something from him soon," the ninja replied.
"Wait, how on Earth did you understand what he said?" Russini asked. "It all sounded like gibberish to me except for one word."
"I'm an expert in-" the ninja answered, but was interrupted by the back door opening. A young-looking man wearing a visor appeared.
"Guys, come quickly," he said. "There's something you need to see."
KIM JONG-UN MAKES STARTLING ANNOUNCEMENT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, July 20, 2019
The group followed the man wearing the visor through the door and up the stairs. Ray Rice watched Emmitt and Dianna Marie Russini walk forward, but he stopped the ninja in his tracks.
"I know who he is," Rice whispered. "That's Lane Kiffin. What the hell is he doing here?"
"That's a long story, I'll have to tell it later, but right now, we have to-."
"No, tell me now!" Rice snapped, now that Emmitt and Russini were out of earshot. "Lane Kiffin is a world-renowned douche, so I'm not going anywhere with him unless I receive a proper explanation."
"Fine," the ninja sighed. "Lane, as you described correctly, is a world-renowned douche, or was a world-renowned douche, rather. The man didn't realize how lucky he was to have a beloved father; he was given jobs he didn't deserve, and he failed at every one at them, because he either burned bridges or struggled to have his team to score enough points. It didn't help that he banged everyone's daughter in the process. Lane did not discriminate. Regardless of who the father was, he'd have sex with every single daughter, whether she was fat, skinny, tall, short, blonde, brunette, and so on.
"Lane, as you can imagine, sired many bastards," the ninja continued. "The count was so high that he could no longer pay child support. Thus, he defected to North Korea to avoid paying that money; he used most of his savings up to purchase nude paintings of himself. Anyway, he eventually made his way to this cafe, where he banged the waitress you may have seen earlier.
The waitress was the cafe owner's father, and unlike Nick Saban, he was quite understanding that Lane took his daughter's maidenhead. He reached out to Lane and offered to paint as many nude portraits of Lane as possible in exchange for Lane marrying his daughter. Lane loves young women, but there's one thing he's enamored with more in this world: himself.
"The cafe owner kept his word. He delivered a nude painting to Kiffin's door each morning. They were all beautiful. Lane then saw the inner beauty of the cafe owner's daughter, and after spreading his seed all across America, he finally found love. He finally found love, Emmitt!"
"I'm Ray; not Emmitt," Rice said, putting a hand on the sobbing ninja's shoulder. "All right, maybe Lane's not such a douche anymore. Let's go see what Lane wanted to show us."
The two men walked up the stairs and followed the sound of bickering. They could hear that Eric Mangini was having some sort of issue.
"Guys, I have to Skype with my girlfriend; I don't have time for this," Mangini wailed.
"She's not answering on Skype," Kiffin snapped. "I bet you don't even have a girlfriend."
"Do too!" Mangini shrieked. "Tell them, Shannon! Tell them I have a real-life girlfriend!"
"We need the computer, dude," Kiffin said. "Kim Jong-un is making a broadcast right now, so we have to hear what he's going to say."
It took several minutes, but everyone talked Mangini down.
"If she breaks up with me over this, it's all your fault!" Mangini sobbed, folding his arms.
Kiffin flipped on the feed to the live Kim Jong-un broadcast. They were just in time to hear the announcement.
"Radies and gentremen of the great Repubric of North Korea, I'm your reader Kim Jong-un. Recentry, a group of fugitives store my key to the North Korea Nucrear Facirity. They were apprehended before they could do any damage, but they make escape. One of these fugitives was my girrfriend Dianna Marie Russini, so I feer extra betrayed right now. I very angry. So, as punishment, I gonna take it out on American peopre! I have spy riving in United States America right now, and they gonna kidnap rots of 5-year-ord girrs and sair them here so I can give them to Jared Fogre. I know this sound mean, but I very angry! More angrier than usuar! And then I stirr gonna bomb United States America but onry after I stear rots and rots of 5-year-ord girr for Jared! He gonna eat rear, rear, fresh, hahahahaha!"
"This is terrible," Kiffin said. "If these girls' maidenheads are taken, how will I have sex with them when they grow up in the unlikely event that I get a divorce? What are we going to do?"