The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, July 21, 2019
Everyone agreed that they'd leave in the morning, so they settled into the available second-floor rooms of the cafe. The owner was very accommodating, though space was limited. Emmitt,
Ray Rice and Shannon Sharpe's ninja friend all had to share one room.
"What does Michael Sam have to do with all of this?" Rice asked the ninja prior to turning in. "And what's he doing here in North Korea, anyway?"
"To answer the latter question first, Michael Sam is working hard on reviving his NFL career," the ninja replied. "The CFL doesn't want him anymore because he quit on them, but Kim Jong-un was more than happy to harbor him. According to Kim Jong-un's reasoning, the more gays the better, since it means more women for him."
"Understandable," Rice said, his fists clenched. "Though more women means that you have to be on guard to defend yourself."
The ninja looked at Rice oddly for a second, but continued.
"Michael Sam is on Kim Jong-un's favorite football team, so he shares a locker room with Robert Griffin," the ninja said. "So, we need to have Michael convince Robert to help us out.
Robert is close with his owner, but he can be coerced, I'm sure. However, we can't do it because we barely know the guy. He and Michael are close, being the few Americans on the North Korean football team."
The ninja stared at both Rice and Emmitt, and noticed that the latter had a worried expression on his face.
"What's wrong, Emmitt?" he asked.
"Well, Michael Sam from what I can recalls, is a homophobe, and he like to have sexual with other guy from what I remember correct," he said.
The ninja nodded his head.
"Well, what if I catch the disease he have and become a homophobe myselves? I have a wive and kids. If I suddenly want to have a sexual with a man, my wive might want to diverse me."
The ninja tried his hardest not to laugh.
"You can't become gay, Emmitt, you're either born that way or not," he said. "Anyway, let's get some rest. We have a big day ahead of ourselves."
He turned the light off, and soon enough, he and Rice were fast asleep. Emmitt, however, struggled to fall into a slumber, as he was still unconvinced that being in close proximity to Sam couldn't harm him.
The crew left the following morning - Emmitt, Rice, the ninja, Eric Mangini, Shannon Sharpe and Lane Kiffin - piled into a van and drove to the North Korean football team's practice facility. They took the back roads, just to make sure to avoid any checkpoints that Kim Jong-un happened to set up. They were fugitives, after all.
Kiffin, who wasn't one of the suspects Kim Jong-un highlighted in his newscast the night before in which he threatened to steal little American girls for Jared Fogle, went around and asked where they could find Sam. No one seemed to know where they could locate him until one player revealed a promising lead.
"He hasn't been into practice all week," he said. "But when I stopped for an energy drink this morning, I think I saw him walk into the studio down the block. Not too many big black guys wearing scarves here in North Korea - not that there's anything wrong with wearing a scarf - so I'm betting it was him."
Kiffin went back to the van and delivered the news. They then drove down to this studio and entered it. They immediately saw Sam prancing around with numerous cameras pointed at him. The only other people in the room were those working the camera, as well as a small woman in her 50s.
"Michael, long time no see," Kiffin said. "But what are you doing here? Don't you have practice?"
"I'm totally focused in on football now," Sam said. "But I have to film my reality TV show first. That takes precedent over anything, but I want everyone to know that I'm like totally serious about football and stuff."
Sam looked at Emmitt, who was standing in the corner, covering his mouth.
"What's his deal?" Sam asked. "Does he not want to be in my great reality TV show? It's going to be a hit! It's all about my times in North Korea and stuff, and how I'm trying to be a great football player."
"Nah, he's scared of being turned gay," the ninja said.
Sam shook his head and began to laugh, but immediately looked at the older woman.
"Megan, what's up with my coffee!? I explicitly asked for two ounces of cream. Not 1.8 ounces! I can tell it's 1.8 ounces! You know how!? Because I'm Michael Sam, hoe! I'm Michael freaking Sam, and I'm the star here, and I want exactly two ounces!"
Sam snapped his fingers and shooed his assistant away.
"I can't believe the poor service here," Sam whined, hurling the cup on the floor. "People think I'm like a diva and stuff, but I can't get this stupid woman to give me the correct ounces in my coffee!"
Sam then looked suspiciously at everyone.
"Why are you all here?" he asked. "Come to star in my reality TV show? Because I'm the one true star on this show! No one else can steal my stardom! This all about me and my road to the NFL! I'm working so hard to get back into the league, and you're trying to steal it from me!"
The ninja explained the situation to Sam. Emmitt and his crew expected him to realize how dire the situation was. Sam, however, planned on taking advantage of this opportunity.
"I'll help you," Sam said. "But I'll need something first."
MICHAEL SAM MAKES A REQUEST
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, July 21, 2019
Michael Sam didn't waste any time telling Emmitt and his crew what he wanted in exchange to coerce Robert Griffin to help them.
"I want a kiss from Robert," Sam said. "And not just a peck on the cheek either; I want a big, fat kiss that lasts 30 seconds."
No one knew what to say to that, and the entire room was silent. At least until Sam's assistant Megan returned with his coffee.
"This is now 1.97 ounces of cream," Sam snarled, popping open the coffee lid and splashing it onto her face. "I asked for exactly two ounces of cream. Get it right, or I'll make sure you'll never work in this town again!"
Sam once again snapped his fingers and shooed her away.
"Yes, where was I?" he asked, scratching his chin. "Ah yes, I'd like a kiss from Robert. I've fancied him ever since he was drafted by the Redskins. He may not know that he's gay yet, but he'll realize it once he kisses me."
"I totally get this," Eric Mangini said. "It was the same thing with me and Erin Andrews. I used to call Erin Andrews my girlfriend all the time, but everyone laughed. And then one day, I snuck into her hotel room just to videotape her, but then I got the courage to kiss her, and now she's my real girlfriend, I swear!"
Mangini looked at Sam for approval. He didn't get it.
"Stop it, no one cares your stupid fake relationship," Sam spat. "And it has nothing to do with me heading for the NFL, so I'm not concerned with it anyway. And I don't see why it would matter to any of you, either. It sounds like you need my help. And you'll get it if Robert Griffin gives me a kiss!"
"How do we reach Robert?" Rice asked. "Kim Jong-un feeds him grapes in his office all day."
"Not now," Sam corrected him. "Remember, it's football practice time, the time in which I elevate myself to the NFL. I'm taking a break now because of my reality TV show, but Robert is at practice right now."
Lane Kiffin told everyone that he would leave the building and bring Griffin back to this studio. Surely enough, Kiffin returned 20 minutes later with the former Redskin quarterback.
"Hey, where is the grape-feeder you told me about?" Griffin asked, looking around. "You said that someone would feed me both red and green grapes at the same time, so where is he?"
"You're looking at him," Kiffin said, drawing shocked looks from everyone. "Guys, look, I know I'm worthless. I'm a loser. I have no friends. I've realized this recently, and I want to make a positive contribution to the world. So, I'm going to feed grapes to Robert Griffin for the rest of my life."
"So, what do I have to do?" he asked.
"See Michael Sam over there, your teammate?" Kiffin replied.
"Yeah... oh yeah, he's on my team. I haven't seen him in forever because he's been filming his reality TV show."
"Well, he wants a kiss from you. A kiss - for all of the grapes in the world."
Sam silently stared at his feet. Before he knew it, Griffin lifted up his chin and planted a giant, wet kiss on his lips. Some cringed, some cried, but when it was all over, they both had tears in their eyes.
"Robert, I've always loved you, even more so than my reality TV career," Sam whimpered.
"And I can't wait to eat all of those grapes with you!" Griffin moaned, embracing Sam.
Sam whispered something into Griffin's ear, and Griffin immediately revealed a key from his pocket and handed it to Rice.
"This will shut down North Korea's real nuclear facility, and it'll also lead you to a dark secret that Kim Jong-un has been hiding for quite some time," Griffin said. "What you will learn will shock you, so be prepared."
Griffin grabbed Sam's hand, and the two walked out of the studio. Kiffin walked after them, holding a bowl of red and green grapes.
"See?" Emmitt said, after being silent this entire time. "I knew that a homophobe can make another guy want to have man sexuals."