The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, July 22, 2019
Emmitt and his crew went back to the cafe and spent the night there, recuperating following the Greg Hardy kidnapping. Being trapped in a death room with a collapsing ceiling and then taking down someone as evil as Hardy, as well as his minions, took a toll on the team, so they all collapsed into a deep slumber that evening. All, except for Emmitt, who spent some time talking to Barry Sanders.
"Barry I do not understanding," Emmitt said. "You said I am the master of unlockers, and then Diana Mariana Russia say earlier that there are seven master of unlockers."
"This is true," Sanders confirmed. "The Seven Masters of Unlocking are key - pun very much intended - to saving the universe. There's you, and Jill, and I recently have found two others.
One is the guy who played Cody Lambert from Step by Step. The other is... well..."
"Well?" Emmitt asked. "I do not know any guy by the name of Well."
"No, the word 'well,' Emmitt," Sanders said.
"The word 'well' what, and what do that have to do with the guy name Well?" Emmitt asked.
"No, ugh," Sanders replied with a hint of frustration in his voice. "The guy's name isn't Well. It's... Jared Fogle."
The two sat silently for a beat, as Emmitt finished drinking his sleepy-time tea.
"So, I'm a bit nervous about all of this," Sanders said. "Jared Fogle is an evil man who must be stopped, but we also need him to help save the universe."
"Can we help save the universal without him?" Emmitt asked.
"No, we need all seven, or we will all be doomed," Sanders replied. "There's a war coming, and we need to be on the right side of it."
Emmitt asked Sanders why the universe was in danger, or what this supposed war was, but Sanders wouldn't offer any hints, and he eventually suggested for the two of them to go to bed.
However, Emmitt's slumber was interrupted by a commotion downstairs. He rolled out of bed, got dressed, and joined everyone to see what they were so rowdy about.
"Emmitt, look what's happening!" Diana Marie Russini shouted, pointing at the TV.
"Ah, someone turned on the TV!" Emmitt exclaimed. "Does you think it was a ghost?"
"No, Emmitt, we turned on the TV," Russini said. "Listen to the news report!"
The news reporter was showing hundreds - perhaps thousands - of little girls being escorted off a plane. None of them were over the age of 5, and some of them looked as young as 2.
"They expedited the process of stealing little girls from America so that Jared could legally have sex with them here!" Ray Rice cried.
All of these young ladies will now be taken to Jared Fogle's manor, where they will join the sleazy American sandwich salesman until they are too old to pleasure him, the news anchor said. Some of these girls are much younger than 5, but Kim Jong-un declared today that the new age of consent in North Korea is now 2.
"I decrare today that 5 year ord too ord for consent!" Kim Jong-un said in a press conference. "Now, 2 year ord ord enough, so this make a Jared Fogre very happy!"
It appears as though Jared Fogle is a very happy man today, the news anchor continued. Reports indicate that there are more young American girls on their way.
"What do we do?" Rice asked.
"Easy," the ninja answered. "We go to Jared Fogle's manor and slit his throat."
Emmitt glanced over at Sanders, who looked extremely nervous.
EMMITT AND COMPANY INVADE JARED FOGLE'S MANOR
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, July 22, 2019
Emmitt and his companions wasted no time getting dressed, piling into the van and heading over to Jared Fogle's manor. They had no time to formulate any sort of plan; they just knew that they had to stop the sick psychopath from molesting thousands of young, American girls.
They were optimistic on the drive over, but that waned considerably upon their arrival. Jared Fogle's manor was fenced in with barbed wire. Hundreds of men wielding automatic rifles patrolled the facility, and there were bound to be way more guards on the inside.
"Anyone have any ideas?" Dianna Marie Russini asked.
"Maybe we can dig a tunnels under the building and then sneak inside that way?" Emmitt asked.
"We don't have any time to dig a tunnel, though," Russini replied.
"What if I distract the guards with the naked pictures I took of my girlfriend Erin Andrews when she was undressing in the hotel?" Eric Mangini asked. "I have my laptop handy. Oh, and if I do this, please don't tell my girlfriend Erin Andrews that I have naked photos of her and that I was showing it to people."
"A distraction would be great," the ninja said. "But what could possibly distract hundreds of guards - and no, Mangini, we're not showing them naked pictures of Erin Andrews!"
At that moment, the sound of a car swerving around a corner was heard in the distance. A vehicle was quickly approaching their location. The speed of this car was breathtaking; it must have been going more than 300 mph. It zoomed by Emmitt and his crew, and it was heading right for the gate surrounding Jared Fogle's manor.
The car collided with the gate, and there was a sudden explosion. All of the guards converged on the car, and the driver stepped out and pumped his fist. Emmitt recognized him right away. It was former Bills and Seahawks running back Fred Jackson.
"Yes, I beat him!" he shouted at the sky. "I beat him! Who's your daddy now, Marshawn Lynch!? Who's your daddy!?"
The guards continued to sprint toward the car, and Emmitt's team suddenly realized that this was their chance.
"Let's go!" Russini shouted. "Let's get to Jared!"
The entire team sprinted toward the manor, and because of Jackson's latest car accident, none of the guards even noticed. They reached the front door, but suddenly found themselves stuck, as there was a keypad to the right of the entrance.
"Emmitt, use your trusty lock pick," Barry Sanders said.
"But I do not see a lock to use the pick lock," Emmitt said. "I see a thing with a bunch of number, and number scare me because sometime you have to add them or subtax, or even worse use the divide!"
"Trust me, Emmitt, just use the lock pick," Sanders said.
Emmitt cautiously moved the lock pick toward the keypad, and to his utter surprise, the red light instantly turned green.
"It work!" Emmitt yelped, as the others opened the door and stormed inside.
The group followed the sound of crying girls, and they were able to move about freely, as the guards on the interior were preoccupied with what was going on outside. They quickly reached the room housing all of the kidnapped girls, but were stopped by a lonely guard blocking the door.
"Halt!" he shouted, reaching for his gun.
"Wait, look!" Mangini exclaimed, opening his laptop. "I have naked pictures of Erin Andrews!"
"Oh, Erin Andrews?" he asked. "She's pretty hot. Let me see."
With the guard distracted, they entered the room and saw Fogle with a 4-year-old redhead.
"Here, here, Claire Danes' daughter from Homeland, I'll take care of you and your luscious red hair," Fogle hissed.
"Stop right there!" Russini shouted, startling Fogle, who hadn't noticed them. "Lay your hands off those girls, you sicko."
"Sicko?" Fogle snarled. "You're the sicko, with your boobs and your curvy hips, and your long legs! You disgust me! These girls I've procured will pleasure me, and with Kim Jong-un's protection, no one will stop me!"
"We'll see about that!" Russini shouted, brandishing a dagger from the back of her pants. She leapt and grabbed hold of Fogle, holding the blade right at his neck.
""Valar morghulis!" she cried, cutting the dagger into Fogle's flesh. But before she could finish him off, Barry Sanders tackled her.
"We need him!" Sanders exclaimed. "As horrible as he is, we need him. Not only does he know the secret location of North Korea's real nuclear facility, but he is also one of the Seven Masters of Unlocking."
"Ugh, fine," Russini relented. "But I'm warning you, Barry, if he doesn't give us the location of the nukes, I'm going to slice off his manhood."
"You know, I see no reason you couldn't do that now, actually," Sanders said, scratching his beard.
"Ha! This will be a great day after all!" Russini squeaked, pulling down Fogle's pants and swinging her blade.
Jared Fogle's penis fell to the floor. Another whack. This time, his scrotum. He was now a eunuch, who would no longer be able to rape little girls ever again.