The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, July 22, 2019
Emmitt and his companions wasted no time dragging Jared Fogle back to their home base at the cafe. Fogle, who was once arrogant about being able to do horrible things to 5-year-old girls, appeared to be completely defeated now that his penis and scrotum were sliced off. He sat silently with his head down the entire time during the trip.
Eric Mangini stared at Fogle's penis, which was sealed tightly in plastic wrap.
"Look at how big it is!" Mangini exclaimed. "Mine is big, but not that big!"
"Big? Ha!" Dianna Marie Russini burst out laughing. "That's not big at all! It's three inches! Granted, it's larger than Kim Jong-un's penis, but three inches is pretty tiny, so it's sad that your member is smaller than that."
Mangini blushed and folded his arms.
"My girlfriend is Erin Andrews and she doesn't think my penis is small, I swear!" he snorted, prompting everyone to laugh.
It was around noon by the time they made it back to their hideout. The cafe owner met them outside.
"You guys have to check this out!" he shouted, summoning them to the bar. The TV was on, and Kim Jong-un was delivering another press conference.
"I have to make announcement during noon o'crock news!" Kim Jong-un began. "As you arr now, dirty American trying to overthrow Kim Jong-un because I threaten to brow up America after NFR make my favorite prayer Tom Brady out to be criminar in Defrate Gate! This make Kim Jong-un angry! Now they arrest Jared Fogre, my second-in-command, onry because he want to have sex with girr who five year ord, which regar in North Korea. Very regar!
"Kim Jong-un very angry and need make retariation!" he continued. "So, I make new raw go into effect! Untir the scoundrers who kidnap Jared Fogre become arrest, no person in repubric of
North Korea can have a sex except me! Arso, I pran to hasten my pran to bomb United States American. In fact, I am standing here in the rear North Korea Nucrear Facirity, and I gonna brow up United States American by sundown. Rong rive repubric of North Korea!"
No one knew how to respond right away; instead, everyone looked around at each other without saying a word.
"What are we going to do?" Russini asked, finally breaking the silence. "We have about eight hours until Kim Jong-un blows up America. We have to find those nukes."
"Should we torture Jared Fogle so that he tells us where the real North Korean Nuclear Facility is?" Barry Sanders asked.
"I'm not saying anything!" Fogle snapped. "You cut off my penis, and now I can't have sex with little girls. No torture is going to be worse than that."
"Ugh, this is why I wanted him unharmed," Sanders said, looking at Russini, who appeared to be disappointed in herself.
"H UGhrgw oirw goerg lghi etnlhv trnhkv my trnh,gk,svd otdnglv lntoec vrpiv ntr hvtpr hnfglnv," Shannon Sharpe chimed in.
"There's no need for that Shannon, nor is torturing Jared necessary," Ray Rice said. "Just by watching Kim Jong-un's press conference, I've figured out where the real North Korea Nuclear Facility is."
FINDING NORTH KOREA'S REAL NUCLEAR FACILITY
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, July 22, 2019
There was a loud commotion in the room, as everyone had questions for Ray Rice. He didn't answer any of them, but instead motioned for everyone to follow him into the van.
"I'll explain along the way," Rice shouted, and he managed to keep his promise.
"I was just as frustrated as you guys were, but then I noticed something sticking out of Kim Jong-un's pocket," he said while driving. "It was one of those My Little Pony playing cards that Emmitt and I saw when we had a meeting with him. There was also the sound of water in the background, which sounded like the Tom Brady fountain statue in his office. So, North Korea's real nuclear facility must be buried underneath his office building!"
"But how do you know he do not have those My Little Horse card in other house?" Emmitt asked.
"Because it's not like Kim Jong-un hangs out at the real North Korea Nuclear Facility much, so why would he have his cards there?" Rice asked. "Besides, that sound of water was exactly like the one from that Tom Brady fountain statue."
"Hmm... I think you on the right truck," Emmitt said, scratching his chin. "I guess we will have to sees. My sense of hearing not too good so I did not hear the water. Luckily, my other sense make up for it, especially my eye sense, hear sense and common sense."
The group arrived at Kim Jong-un's office building, and it was empty, save for his wet nurse, who was still serving as his secretary.
"Where is Kim Jong-un and the nuclear facility!?" Rice asked, charging toward the front desk.
"I don't know where Kimberly is, and I don't know what you're talking about," she replied, stepping away from the desk cautiously.
"Yes you do!" Rice shouted. "We know the real North Korea Nuclear Facility is here. Just tell us where it is, now!"
The wet nurse/secretary turned around and ran toward the elevator. She mashed the button, and the door opened up for her quickly. She stepped in, but Rice was too quick. He dived in after her, and the two were standing alone in the elevator.
"This is familiar," Rice smirked, cocking his fist and launching it toward her face. It connected cleanly, knocking her out cold.
"Damn it, I need to stop hitting so hard," Rice lamented, shaking his head.
About an hour later, the wet nurse/secretary awoke and found herself strapped to a chair.
"I'll never tell you where he is," she hissed.
"I beg to differ," the ninja said, pointing toward a television. "You're about to be tortured, ma'am."
"How?" she laughed. "What could you possibly do? I've been taught to withstand the worst possible torturing techniques!"
"Hit it, guys!" the ninja commanded, and Emmitt flipped on the TV. It was the series premiere of TBS' Sullivan and Son.
"Oh, God, no!" she shrieked. "Not Sullivan and Son! Anything but Sullivan and Son!"
Five minutes and 10 times as many corny jokes later, she finally cracked.
"Please, for the love of God, turn this off!" she begged. "I'll tell you everything! Please! No more poorly timed canned laughter, bad acting and stupid plot lines!"
The ninja nodded toward Emmitt, and he turned off the TV.
"Start talking," he ordered.
"It's all about the statue of Tom Brady peeing in Kimberly's office," the wet nurse/secretary explained. "That's where the entrance is. All you need to do is move the penis to the right, and a secret passageway opens up."
The group stormed into the office and did as they were told. Surely enough, moving Brady's penis did the trick. The walls shook, and one of the nude Brady posters opened up to reveal a hidden stairwell.
No one said a word. They all knew what was at stake. If they didn't stop Kim Jong-un, the United States of America would be gone forever.