The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
ONE CHALLENGE AWAITS PRIOR TO CONFRONTING KIM JONG-UN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, July 22, 2019
The entire group - Emmitt, Ray Rice, Dianna Marie Russini, Eric Mangini, Shannon Sharpe, the ninja, and Barry Sanders - descended the hidden stairwell in Kim Jong-un's office quietly. Kim Jong-un was set to deploy his nuclear weapons against America as retaliation for how Tom Brady was treated in DeflateGate, so the element of surprise was crucial. That's what the ninja said, anyway, which confused Emmitt.
"I thought the four element were fire, water, thunder and wind, but I am very surprise to hear that surprise is the fifth element in the period table of element!"
"Shhhh!" all the others responded, hushing their leader.
When they reached the bottom of the stairwell, they found themselves standing in the very same room that Kim Jong-un recorded his threatening message. However, there was no obvious door or pathway to follow. It's almost as if Kim Jong-un vanished.
"It's like it was on TV!" Emmitt exclaimed. "I can't believe we inside a place that was on TV, and maybe that mean that people are watching us right now! Hi, Emmitt IV the Jr. Sr. the III! Daddy love you!"
Emmitt's party members hushed him again, with Rice shaking his head in disbelief that his friend could even say something like that.
"Emmitt, there's no camera," Rice whispered. "We can't be on TV if there's no camera."
"I know what a camera is," Emmitt replied. "But what do he have to do with TV? I thought camera was just for taking pictures."
"Guys, I found something," Russini interrupted them. She was lifting up a rug and pointing to a hidden trap door. "Kimberly always used to hide his My Little Pony playing cards under the rug in his office, so I thought he may have also stashed something important here."
Wasting no time, Sanders opened the hatch, and an unbearable heat engulfed them.
"Look like the element of fire is down there instead of the element of surprise," Emmitt snickered.
The group once again descended the stairwell, and the temperature seemed to rise exponentially with every step. They were sweating profusely by the time they reached the bottom. However, they were all speechless when they saw what they would be confronted with:
Another hologram of Bowser standing on a bridge. Only this one was throwing countless hammers into the air in addition to spewing fireballs.
"Guys, this is the real deal," the ninja said. "The Bowser you described before was obviously guarding the fake nuclear facility because he wasn't throwing hammers into the air. This one is legit."
"What do we do?" Mangini squealed.
Bowser heard the high-pitched squeak and began moving toward them. The entire group froze, save for the ninja, who charged forward.
"I'll run under him and hit the ax!" he cried. He ran at full speed, expecting Bowser to jump into the air nonsensically, but it never happened. The ninja ran right into Bowser and was flung into the lava beneath the bridge.
"Nooooooooooooo!" someone cried, but it was impossible to tell who it was. Bowser continued to approach the group quickly. They turned around, but noticed that the hatch door closed behind them. They were trapped.
"This is it!" Mangini whined. "OK guys, I admit it, Erin Andrews isn't really my girlfriend. She won't even answer my Skype calls even though I've been calling her 25 times per day. She called me a "creep," but I just wanted to tell her that I love her and want to marry her!"
Bowser's hammers were now inches away from the group, but they stopped. Bowser oddly looked cross-eyed, and then he toppled over into the lava. Standing behind him was a familiar face. Emmitt recognized him instantly, as he just saw him a week ago.
It was Jay Cutler.
Though the group didn't see it, Cutler was standing behind the real Bowser and fired a laser pass into Bowser's head. Cutler greeted his friend, smiling.
"I told you I'd pay you back for saving me from my evil wife, Emmitt," he beamed.
Emmitt and Cutler began to exchange pleasantries, but Russini quickly put an end to that.
"Guys, we can talk later," she said. "But we need to stop Kim Jong-un from bombing America."
THE STARTLING TRUTH ABOUT KIM JONG-UN
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, July 22, 2019
Emmitt and his friends, now joined by Jay Cutler, ran across the bridge and into the next room. Unlike the previous, fake North Korea Nuclear Facility, this one did not greet them with the message, "Our nucrear reactor in another castre!" Instead, a dark hallway awaited them.
They sprinted down the hall, and couldn't see anything for a while. They were seemingly running forever until they found themselves in a small, circular room. Kim Jong-un was sitting at an old computer, staring at the screen. On it, were the following words:
Do you want to brow up North America with nucrear bomb? Y/N
Kim Jong-un, sensing he had guests, turned around.
"Ah, wercome to my rair," he said. "But you too rate! Arr I have to do is press button, and my nucrear weapon gonna destroy America!"
The group rushed toward him, but true to his word, Kim Jong-un faced the computer once more and quickly tapped the "Y" button on the computer.
They stopped. It was too "rate," indeed. Sure enough, nuclear missiles were headed toward the United States at this very moment.
Except, something was off. There were no noises, or anything. In fact, nothing really seemed to happen. Emmitt glanced at the screen once more and saw that a white object in the shape of a turtle moved forward and drew a line in the process. What was happening here?
"Where are the nukes!?" Dianna Marie Russini cried. "Tell us, or I'll rip your precious My Little Pony playing card in half - and I know that this one is your favorite because you constantly sing to it when you think I'm not in the room!"
"No, not My Rittre P-," Kim Jong-un started, before he realized that everyone was watching. "I mean, I no pray My Rittle Pony! My sister pray My Rittle Pony!"
Kim Jong-un's head convulsed for a good five seconds. It stopped, and he began speaking differently.
"Oh, I so happy to have My Rittre Pony card!" he said, but in a woman's voice. "I rove pray My Rittle Pony!"
Kim Jong-un's head shook violently once more.
"I so happy to give you birthday present to my precious sister," he said, this time in a normal voice. "Can I pray My Rittre Pony with you prease!?"
Again, more convulsion.
"No, you a boy, onry I can pray My Rittre Pony!" he said once again in a female's voice. "If you no ret me pray by myserf, I gonna terr father on you!"
"My rittre boy, you disappoint me, greatry!" he said, this time in an older voice. "How can grown man pray with My Rittre Pony!? I armost ashame to carr you member of Jong-un famiry!"
"Prease, father, My Rittre Pony not just for girr, prease ret me pray!" he whined, once again in his own voice.
The process repeated, as Kim Jong-un continued to talk to himself, believing that he was arguing with his father and sister. His head rattled violently each time he became a new person. Emmitt glanced at his companions, and no one had any words. Not until Ray Rice spoke up.
"Guys, look!" he said, as Kim Jong-un was experiencing another convulsion. "His face is coming off!"
Indeed, inspecting it closer revealed that Kim Jong-un's neck was peeling off. They all seemed to realize it at once: Kim Jong-un was wearing a mask!
"Let's see who this really is!" Dianna Marie Russini yelped, tugging at Kim Jong-un's neck. She quickly ripped off the mask, revealing Kim Jong-un's true identity.
No one said a word. They couldn't believe their eyes. The truth was unfathomable.