The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, July 22, 2019
It didn't make any sense. When Emmitt and his companions ripped Kim Jong-un's mask off to reveal that it was Roger Goodell the entire time, no one knew how to react. Goodell was the only one uttering a sound at this point, and he continued to transition between his multiple personalities.
"Prease daddy, I want to pray with My Rittre Pony!" he said in his usual voice.
"No, you are my onry son and you must be strong to become reader of Repubric of North Korea," he said in a deeper tone.
"Chocolatey cereal with chocolatey marshmallows bats; satisfies a chocolate monster - in no time flat!" he chirped in a Transylvanian accent.
"I care about women so much even though I allow thugs like Greg Hardy and Ray Rice to play; if you don't believe me, remember how much money we donate to Breast Cancer Awareness," he declared, now sounding like Goodell.
"Hey!" Ray Rice snapped. "I apologized on Sportscenter, remember? I was very remorseful, so that means I've been absolved of all wrongdoing."
Goodell continued to mutter himself, while the others continued to look at each other in disbelief.
"I can't believe my eyes," Barry Sanders said.
"If you can't believe your eyes, maybe you should become friend with new eyes because you should never be friend with somebody you cannot trusted," Emmitt said.
"Emmitt, didn't Goodell send you on this mission?" Dianna Marie Russini asked. "Don't you think we should still look for the nuclear weapons?"
"I'm beginning to think it was a ruse all along," Rice said, looking at Russini, who seemed rather disappointed for some reason. "But I don't know how Tom Brady fits into this."
At the sound of "Tom Brady," Goodell/Kim Jong-un snapped out of it.
"Emmitt," Goodell said. "You finarry - I mean, finally - figured out that I've been Kim Jong-un all along."
"Roger Goldman, what is the meaning of this?" Emmitt asked, sounding rather frustrated. "I flowned all around the world and come to the world of North Korean just to stop Kim Johnson, and it turn out that you the man himselves!"
"It is true," Goodell admitted. "I've been Kim Jong-un all along. There never really was a Kim Jong-un to begin with, really. There was a Kim Jong-il, but he died and then I stepped in and pretended to be his bastard son. I don't know why people believed me; I guess it was too far-fetched for everyone to think that someone as ridiculous as Kim Jong-un could not exist.
"I like being in charge, so I just ran with being a dictator of this country," Goodell continued. "I implemented all of the laws I wanted to, and it was a dream come true. I've always wanted to rule people as a dictator, but American raws - I mean laws - don't allow that for some reason."
"But what about your wet nurse secretary?" Rice asked. "Or, how about Jared Fogle; how was he involved in this? And what about Tom Brady? What was his role?"
"Oh, the wet nurse was just some senile woman I brought in from the local nursing home, and I brainwashed her to say whatever I wanted her to say," Goodell explained. "Fogle was just a distraction so I could buy time to complete my master plan, and that was to make everyone turn on Tom Brady once it was announced that there was a threat to America as a result of his cheating. And it would've gotten away with it if it weren't for you meddling kids."
"Yeah, I can't believe I'm saying this, but Shannon brings up a good point. Why did you drag Emmitt into this?" Mangini asked.
"I couldn't do nothing," Goodell said. "Emmitt was responsible for stopping the Walking Bucs Apocalypse. He's an American hero. I had to send our best hope, or it might look super suspicious. I was hoping Jared and also Greg Hardy would be able to stop you, but you've proven to be too elusive."
"So, what about the nuclear weapons, then?" Russini asked. "Where are they?"
"Nuclear weapons? Ha!" Goodell snorted. "As if a s***ty country like North Korea could have those. We barely have running water here! Just because we have two nuclear facilities doesn't mean that we have nuclear weapons. It's like, we have numerous Pizza Huts in North Korea, but no pizza because I outlawed pizza several years ago."
"Why would you do that?" Sanders asked.
"Because people like pizza, and I didn't want people to be happy!" Goodell snapped. "I hate when people are happy! It's horrible!"
"Roger Goldman, what's to stop us from calling 9-1-1 and having the police come and put you under the rest?" Emmitt asked.
"First of all, there's no 9-1-1 here," Goodell said. "I control the entire police force. And second, you guys are going to look pretty bad if the public finds out that a North Korean dictator has been running the NFL this time. The NFL will disband, and all of you will lose your pensions. Well, all of you except for that female reporter, but she won't have a career writing about football, so she also stands to lose considerably. Hey, where did she go, anyway?"
"She's right-" Rice started, pointing to where Russini stood moments ago, but she wasn't there. "Dianna? Dianna, where are you?"
She was gone.
WHERE IS DIANNA MARIE RUSSINI?
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, July 29, 2019
It's been a week, and no one has been able to find Dianna Marie Russini. Her employer, ESPN, received a tip from Roger Goodell that she would be absent indefinitely.
"I talked to Dianna, and she tord - I mean, told - me that she would be on vacation for a while," Goodell said in a phone conversation to ESPN President John Skipper. "She might be back eventually, or maybe not; I wasn't too clear on that."
Everything else was covered up. American citizens were told that the North Korean nuclear threat had been neutralized, but no one ever learned that Goodell and Kim Jong-un were the same person. No one except Emmitt, Ray Rice, Barry Sanders, Eric Mangini and Shannon Sharpe. They, however, were too busy searching for Russini, who mysteriously vanished on the day they were able to confront Goodell.
The odd thing is that not only could they not locate her; all traces of her were erased from existence. No one with her name ever checked in at their hotel. Goodell, who had her phone number from when he dated her while pretending to be Kim Jong-un, tried calling her, but discovered that the number had been disconnected. He even tried the phone company, but they never had any record of her purchasing an account with them.
"It's like she vanished into thin air," Rice said.
"It too bad that she became thin air instead of thick air," Emmitt lamented. "If she becomed thick air, we could see her because thick air is not invincible like thin air."
Three men sat at a circular table, waiting patiently. The youngest of the three, showing signs of aging as he approached 50, looked sternly at the slightly older man across from him. He paid attention to the knife this man was clutching in his right hand. He held the blade to his left arm, poking it gently, but hard enough that some blood would seep out of his skin. He laughed maniacally, then shook his head, as if he recalled something horrifying from his past.
The third man sat between them. He was the oldest of the three. He sported an unkempt mustache and twirled a sausage link in between his fingers. He tapped his fingers on the table with his other hand, growing ever impatient.
There was a knock at the door, and a poorly dressed man with floppy, gray hair, opened it. A beautiful brunette woman stood at the precipice.
"Are you going to come in, or what?" the eldest man snarled.
"Ye-yes, of course," the woman stuttered. She cautiously approached the table.
"Well, did you find them?" the man with the knife asked.
"No, they weren't there," she responded.
"What do you mean, they weren't there?" the stern man asked, looking rather disappointed in her. "Dianna, I sent you on a mission to steal North Korea's nuclear weapons. How could you let me down like that? What will my wife say when she's learned of your latest disappointment? Can you imagine what she'll tweet out?"
"You don't understand," she protested. "North Korea had no nuclear weapons. Roger Goodell was Kim Jong-un all along, and he just didn't have any nuclear weapons because his country was so poor."
"She's lying!" the man with the knife cried. "Boss, she's lying! Can I slice her throat?"
The two men looked at their mustachioed individual, who put down the sausage link and stood up.
"That would be irresponsible," he said. "She may still have some use to us. Lying or not, she has information we need on my archenemy."
"Der, who would dat be boss?" the floppy-haired butler asked.
"Silence, scum," the boss snapped. "I told you on countless occasions, my archenemy is Emmitt, who banished me to a different dimension years ago."
The boss cleared his throat.
"Gentlemen, I swear to you, despite this setback, we, the League of Failed General Managers, shall have our vengeance!"