The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2019
Warren Sapp was certainly providing some sage advice, but who exactly was Hillary Clinton's worst enemy? Was it Donald Trump? And if so, how would he help Emmitt and is friends stop Clinton and her League of Failed General Managers coalition?
"Guys, I think Donald Trunk probably the worstest enemies of Hillary Clintons," Emmitt said. "But how can we get into contract with himselves?"
"Oh, I can get into contact with Trump," Johnny Manziel said confidently. "Trust me, I'm buddies with his best friend."
Manziel whipped out his phone and placed a call to Mark Foster from Step by Step.
"Mark's good, he said he'll call Trump right now and ask him to pick us up here," Manziel said.
Everyone assumed Trump would arrive in a fancy car, but they were all stunned several hours later when a wooden, floating vessel flew toward them and then landed on the ground.
"Come onboard my yuge airship," Trump said, his strange hair frazzled by what everyone assumed to be heavy winds. "Come now, don't be afraid. This airship is yuge. Yuge."
"Donald Truck, it is very pleasure to meet you," Emmitt said, extending his hand as the ship floated off the ground. Trump forced a smile and shook it. He did the same with Manziel, Isaiah Crowell and Warren Sapp, who reverted back to human form.
"Emmitt, I recognize you from the news, which I somehow watched even though all of it is biased, believe me. Believe me," Trump said. "I commend your effort against the anti-Celery cause. Did you know that people who identify themselves as Celery Stalks are the cause of the Zika virus? They brought it here from Brazil. The movement originated in Brazil, and then they came here along with the Zika virus. We need to build a wall to keep them out. And we'll build that wall. Believe me."
"I am glad you recommend my effort," Emmitt said. "But all I said is that I like to eat the celerous."
"So, Mark Foster from Step by Step, my greatest friend in the world, has informed me that you four are in trouble," Trump said, ignoring Emmitt's previous comment. "What can I do for you? Keep in mind that my finances are low. I applied for a small loan from the government for $7.16 trillion, but they have not approved yet, thanks to crooked President Hillary Clinton."
They explained the situation to Trump, whose expression didn't waver at all.
"I tried to tell everyone," he lamented when they finished their tale. "The Second Amendment people needed to take care of business. I told them, but they didn't listen. All I got was backlash from the corrupt media for suggesting that we had to shoot and kill Hillary Clinton. We needed to kill Hillary Clinton. Needed to do it. Believe me."
"I would've thought no a month ago because Hillary is not Five-O, but she evil, man," Crowell said.
"Exactly!" Trump chirped. "This black man here gets it. This black man here, my friend, gets it! My good friend with dreadlocks! Hillary Clinton is evil, and she needs to be stopped. Unfortunately, that could prove to be difficult. She's covered up murders and rapes, was funded by terrorists, caused ISIS, leaked sensitive government information and basically declared war on gays and women by receiving campaign contributions from Middle Eastern countries, and yet people still elected her after signing a Twitter petition to impeach me. She'll continue to buy support from people, so we need to try another tactic. We will try another tactic."
"Did you say Tic-Tac?" Emmitt asked. "I like the orange one."
"No, tactic; not Tic-Tac," Trump corrected Emmitt. "To stop Hillary Clinton, we will need to find the Mirror of Ra. It's an ancient artifact that will reveal someone's true reflection to the rest of the world. I have a feeling that if we target Hillary with the Mirror of Ra, she will be revealed as Satan."
"Where do we find this Millor of Ra?" Emmitt asked.
"The Mirror of Ra can be found in a swamp, somewhere in the south," Trump replied. "Draining the swamp will take too long, unfortunately. All you have to do is stand on the exact spot and search for it, and you'll find it. However, you need a strategy guide to find it, and only a college student would possess such a relic."
"Strategy guide?" Sapp asked. "Why-"
Sapp was interrupted by a pinging noise. And then another. Then, the smell of smoke wafted into his nostrils.
"Guys, we're under attack!" Manziel cried.
Indeed, he was right. Fire-lit arrows were being shot right into the hull of Trump's airship.
"Evasive maneuvers!" Trump shouted, to no one in particular. And it wouldn't have mattered anyway. Too many flaming arrows had pierced the hull, and the ship was now plunging toward the ground.
DONALD TRUMP, EMMITT ATTACKED BY "COLLEGE IDIOTS"
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Wednesday, Sept. 18, 2019
"Is everyone OK?" someone's voice rang out.
"I don't know, let me check myselves," Emmitt replied. He did a self-body check and discovered that he was fine.
The five men stood up, but quickly realized that they weren't safe. They were surrounded by thousands of peculiar individuals. Some were losers wearing tight jeans. Others were ugly, pudgy people donning t-shirts featuring the USSR flag. Some were hideous women with hairy armpits. One tan man was dressed like a celery stalk. Others just looked extremely dumb, almost as if they expected the government to pay for their college education.
"Blogaflogafloo!" they chanted, looking at Emmitt.
"Racist!" they chanted, looking at Trump.
"Look, people, let's all calm down here," Trump said, motioning his hands to calm everyone down. "You people destroyed my yuge airship, which was private property, and for what? To call me a racist? To call Emmitt, my black friend, a Blogaflogafloo? The ones you should be stopping is crooked Hillary Clinton because she has accepted money from countries who kill gays! Believe me. Believe me."
"He's making too much sense, but he's racist and misogynistic, so let's kill him!" a female college student with hairy armpits shouted.
"Kill?" Trump asked, now sounding nervous for the first time. "And why am I a racist? What did the corrupt media tell you that I said? I only said that we should put a temporary ban on Muslims entering the country because they could be influenced by ISIS, and-"
"He just said something bad about Muslims!" a college student majoring in the History of Tie Dye T-Shirts exclaimed.
"Yeah, that makes him evil!" a college student too ugly to ever get laid shouted.
"He probably thinks we shouldn't get paid to go to school!" yelled a hypocritical college student, whose parents were paying for her schooling.
"KILL HIM!" screamed the man dressed like a celery stalk.
A flaming arrow flew by Emmitt. He could feel its heat on his skin. He followed it and saw it pierce Trump's skull. Three more flaming arrows shot directly into Trump's heart.
Trump collapsed, crying in agony. That only lasted several seconds, as the life drained out of him.
"Emmitt," he said with his last dying breath. "Emmitt, look, strategy guide, get it ... by causing ... a yuge distraction ... yuge... believe..."
Trump managed to point his finger at one of the college students. A bespectacled 20-year-old appearing somewhat disinterested in the rally was reading a book. Emmitt couldn't quite make out the first word of its title, but the second was "power."
Emmitt knew then that he'd have to somehow secure the strategy guide, but the college students, who didn't appear to be completely satisfied by only killing Trump, were quickly encircling Emmitt, their next victim.