The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Unknown, Month?, XYZV
Real Emmitt had no idea how long he had spent in this house. He lost all track of time, but there was no point in keeping tabs of it anyway because he was trapped. Sure, he had his family members with him, but they weren't real.
"Papa, will you help me on my science project?" Emmitt's son, Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III asked in his perfect British accent. "We are covering acids and bases in our curriculum, and I find the subject quite puzzling."
Real Emmitt had no choice but to answer his doppelganger son. Otherwise, he'd have to hear the same question repeatedly.
"Well, from what I remember from my school, the University of Florida City State, attics and basement real interesting," Real Emmitt said. "Basement are the thing on the roof of the house where you keep thing you does not want anymore, and the attic the opposite of these thing, the bottom of the house that contain all the stuffs you do want."
A younger girl approached Real Emmitt and sat on his lap.
"Papa, will you read me a bedtime story?" she asked.
"OK, Emmitlina," Real Emmitt replied to his manufactured daughter. "The story of the princess and the dragon. The princess a girl who real good looking, and she met a dragon who want to murderous her. But then he saw how big her boob are and he fall in love with her and then they have sexual. The end."
"Thank you, daddy!" Emmittlina squealed.
Now, it was Emmitt IV the Jr. the Sr. III's turn.
"Papa, will you help me on my science project?"
Real Emmitt groaned.
It's been a constant, mind-numbing, ceaseless loop. Real Emmitt wondered if he could conjure a gun and end his misery, but that's when it all changed. A loud explosion was heard, and a side of his fabricated house was blown open.
Real Emmitt sprinted toward the hole, which was quickly resealing itself.
"Emmitt, hurry!" a familiar voice was heard beyond the void.
Real Emmitt sprinted with all his might toward the hole, as his fake children's questions were steadily growing out of earshot. Real Emmitt dived toward the hole just as it was about to close, and he barely made it - except his foot was stuck!
"Ahhhh!!!" Real Emmitt cried out in agony.
A furry hand grabbed his arm and pulled. Real Emmitt could feel the blood trickling down his leg, but his friend managed to break him free. It was the striped leopard.
"I finally found you," the striped leopard said. "I've been looking all over, but I finally found you. Then, all I had to do was set up the house the bomb."
"How long have it beened?" Real Emmitt asked.
"It's impossible to tell how long it's been, but Emmitt, you have to leave this plane," the striped leopard said. "Your evil body double has caused complete mayhem in the real world, and he's about to become involved in something quite dire."
"Dire ... does you mean diary?" Real Emmitt asked. "Because I have a diary I write in as a little kid."
The question was ignored.
"Hark, we must make our way to Eli Manning," the striped leopard said. "He'll know how to help us."
EVIL EMMITT MEETS WITH ROGER GOODELL
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Sunday, Sept. 6, 2020
Evil Emmitt arrived at NFL headquarters in record time. He didn't have the patience of waiting; the sooner he had access to the grapevine, the better.
Once again, Evil Emmitt disregarded the lot attendant and parked his car in a handicapped spot. Evil Emmitt was penalized with a parking ticket for doing this in Foxboro, but he had no intention of paying the fine. Evil Emmitt was evil, after all.
Evil Emmitt walked to Roger Goodell's office, where he saw that the commissioner was picking at Chinese food. Goodell's face reddened upon seeing Evil Emmitt, and he tried to hide his meal. It was a poor effort, as some General Tso's Chicken spilled onto his desk.
"Herro, I mean, hello Emmitt," Goodell said. "What are you doing here? I swear I wasn't eating Chinese food, I swear!"
Evil Emmitt wondered why Goodell was so embarrassed by this, but he decided there were more pressing issues at stake than the NFL commissioner's dietary choices.
"I just comed from Robert California office, and he show you on the magic box with color where you say that every team in the National League of Conference gonna move to the city of Las Vegalas."
"Who is Robert California?" Goodell asked. "Wait, wasn't he the guy who played Michael Scott's replacement in that one horrible season of the Office?"
"I do not know whom Michael Scott are, but yes, I just comed from an office where the New Zealand Patriot boss guy eat sandwich," Evil Emmitt replied.
"Oh, Robert Kraft," Goodell said. "Oh, so Robert doesn't want to go to LA? Who the hell does? The city is a pile of s**t. But there's money to be made there, Emmitt."
"Roger Goldman, it from my understandin' that we had a lotta dealin' in the past," Evil Emmitt said. "Maybe you can do this one flavor for me. I really need the New Zealand Patriot to stay in the city of New Zealand and not Las Vegalas."
Goodell scratched his chin and seemed to be persuaded by the argument.
"Yes, Emmitt, it's true that you've helped me a lot in the past," Goodell admitted. "And you do know my deep, dark secret that I, in fact, am really Kim Jong-un. Or more that he's one of my split personalities. And you could tell everyone this, though I don't know how many people would believe you.
"But how about this?" Goodell continued, clearing his throat. "I have a new mission for you. If you help me with this, I'll keep the Patriots in New England. I need you to solve a murder."
"A murder?" Evil Emmitt asked, now intrigued.
"Yes. Someone killed a former quarterback in the NFL," Goodell revealed. "This just happened, but I think out of everyone, including law enforcement, you are the man for the job."
Evil Emmitt felt flattered for a second, but quickly realized that Goodell's praise was meant for the real version of him.
"Who got murderoused?" Emmitt asked.
"You may have heard of him," Goodell replied. "He used to play quarterback for the Bengals and Cardinals, among others. Emmitt, I need you to find out who killed Carson Palmer."