The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Sept. 12, 2020
Ezekiel Elliott was growing more impatient by the minute. He couldn't help but vent his frustration to his predecessor.
"Emmitt, I'm getting bored!" Elliott complained. "When can I go punch a DJ like you promised when you recruited me?"
"Be patience, Alexikial Elliott," Evil Emmitt replied. "Your time gonna come. We only beened together for a day, which I belief is 360 hour."
"Fine, fine," Elliott relented. "Where are we going anyway?"
"To visit a guy who went to my almond matter, the University of Florida Gulf City State College University," Evil Emmitt answered.
Evil Emmitt and Elliott boarded the Los Angeles Patriots' jet, which Bob Kraft was more than willing to lend to them because of the request he had of Evil Emmitt. Before they knew it, they were in Gainesville, Fla., visiting Evil Emmitt's alma mater, the University of Florida.
"So, who are we here to see?" Elliott asked. "I guess I could've asked on the plane, but I was too busy ordering stuff for my women's unclothing store."
"There he are, right there," Evil Emmitt replied, pointing to a library. "That right there call a liberia. They have a lot of book inside, and all these book have a lot of alphabet in them unless they book you can use the crayon to color inside them. I forget what these pacific book are call, but they are book you can color inside. These the best kind of book. Who want to read a book with alphabet in themselfs?"
The two men entered the library and were instantly overwhelmed by the sheer amount of reading material in the building.
"This real interesting," Evil Emmitt said. "I does nor do not sees the coloring book section, which where I suspect our guy to be at."
"Who is this guy, exactly?" Elliott asked.
"Him name are - wait, there he are!" Evil Emmitt exclaimed, pointing to a muscular man. This individual was having an argument with a librarian, a bespectacled woman in her 50s.
"I thought this was a coloring book, but there were words in there!" the muscular man shrieked. "This was very misleading, and I'm going to sue this entire establishment!"
"But sir, we're a non-profit and can't afford to be sued," the librarian insisted. "Besides, it didn't say that this was a coloring book. Why would you think War and Peace was a coloring book?"
"Because the Sword of War and Peace is white and red, and I was going to color it as such!" the man bellowed.
"Well, I'm sorry that you were misled, but please leave this establishment before I call the police," the librarian responded.
Elliott sprung into action. He leapt over several tables in a single bound and extended his arms toward the woman's blouse. In a single motion, he ripped open her shirt. The librarian retreated, completely embarrassed.
"Why thank you, kind sir," the angry man said. "This vile woman had glasses, so I had the urge to punch her, but I do not hit the female gender."
Elliott took a step backward, shocked by this individual's answer.
"And to think, I save you from that wretch," Elliott muttered loudly enough for the man to hear.
"Hark, if you had glasses, I would pummel your face this instant!" the man bellowed.
"Now, now, gentlemened," Evil Emmitt said putting his hands on both men's shoulders. "We all on the same slide. Alexikial Elliott, meet Dante Fowlball. Dante Fowlball, meet Alexikial Elliott."
"That's Dante Fowler," the man said, correcting Evil Emmitt. "Emmitt, it is an honor to finally meet you. Why, may I ask, are you here?"
"Becaused, we need your assist," Evil Emmitt said.
EVIL EMMITT AND EZEKIEL ELLIOTT JOIN FORCES WITH DANTE FOWLER
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Saturday, Sept. 12, 2020
Dante Fowler was shocked. Why would the great Emmitt, a living legend at the University of Florida, want assistance from a bust pick by the Jacksonville Jaguars?
There's certainly something more sinister about Emmitt, Fowler thought. Maybe it's just age. Or perhaps some bespectacled individual offended him. Yes, that could be it.
"Emmitt, I'm honored that you need my assistance," Fowler said. "I'll do whatever I can to help you, unless it involves coral reef diving. I am unwilling to participate in such an activity due to personal reasons."
"Dominick, I do not even knowed what you mean by Carl Reed diving," Evil Emmitt replied. "I do not even knowed neither whom or who this man Carl Reeve are, but if he wronged you, we can make disposal of himselves."
"Coral reef is not a m-, you know, never mind," Fowler said, realizing that it wasn't in his best interest to correct someone as great as Emmitt. "What is it that you need from me?"
"Well I gather you two gentleman together and we need a third guy," Evil Emmitt said. "Third are the number after first, two and eighth. I the first, Alexelliott Elliott the two, you the eighth and somebody who or whom we need to found the third. Because third number after first, two and eighth and sometime seventh if seven ate nine. Because seven afraidness of six."
Fowler was beyond confused.
"So, I'm the eighth guy, and we need a third?" Fowler asked.
"Yes, exactlyness," Evil Emmitt smiled sinisterly. Again, Fowler couldn't put his finger on it, but something was off. "You, Alexelliott and other guy need to performance a mission for me. Mission unpossible."
"What is this mission, then?" Fowler asked.
"Alexelliott Elliottness, why Dante Fowlball ask me all these question!?" Emmitt barked, growing impatient.
"I don't know, Emmitt," Elliott replied. "Perhaps he knows a woman who won't take off her clothes for him. I might be able to help in that regard to soothe our new friend here."
"No, no, no, wait, wait, it's not that," Fowler stuttered, taken aback that Emmitt was so defensive. "I'm sorry for all the questions. I'll help you in any way I can. I'm just unsure if I can provide the assistance you need, for I merely am a former bust of the Jacksonville Jaguars who did nothing but get arrested throughout his professional career. Why would someone as great as yourself need the help of such a lowly individual?"
"You not lowly," Evil Emmitt said calmly. "If you lowly, I gonna look downed when I talk to you, but instead I looking up because you not lowly. You the opposide of lowly. You highly."
"Well, if you say so," Fowler said, still unsure of himself. "Anyway, name it, and I'll do it. I'll do anything for you unless it involves coral reef diving."
"Again, this guy Carl Reed ruining my day," Evil Emmitt seethed. "Alexelliott Elliott, go find this Carl Reed guy and brung him to myselves so I can have a talked with him."
"Yes sir," Elliott said, departing the library before Fowler had a chance to explain.
"Dominick Fowlball, I need you to do something importance," Evil Emmitt said. "Very importance. So importance I almost forgetted how importance it is importance."
"What is it?" Fowler asked.
"I need you to punch a guy hard," Evil Emmitt said.
"But- but- does he..." Fowler begun to ask.
"Yes, Dominick," Evil Emmitt replied, knowing the question before it was asked. "He have glasses."
"Great," Fowler smiled. "I got this."
"Good, now we gonna wait for Carl Reed to arrive to kill himselves, and then we gonna find the third people."