The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Unknown, Month?, XYZV
Thanks to Hugh Freeze's assistance, Emmitt and his companions, the striped leopard and the single ranger, were able to locate Eli Manning's brothel without much difficulty. During the walk to their destination, Emmitt asked about Manning's precious item.
"So, why do we need this rice of patches?" Emmitt asked.
"That's rice of passage, Emmitt," the striped leopard said, correcting his friend. "And neither of us is quite sure, but according to lore, you'll need it to leave the evil universe in order to confront your dark self."
Emmitt shuddered at fighting his evil twin again; he was debacled quite well during their first fight. Emmitt tried everything, but the dark version of himself knew what he was going to do every time. It was like fighting his mirror image, only it had a split-second advantage.
"Thanks for telling me about these, but how is we going to lure the ripe of passage away from Alan Manning?" Emmitt asked.
"That's lore with an, you know, never mind, we're here," the striped leopard relented.
The three approached the building and were met with a steel door with a combination on it. The single ranger quickly recalled the code Freeze told him to enter: 2-6-5-6.
"Who are you looking for?" a voice asked from behind the door.
"Eve," the single ranger replied. A strange name, considering that every available "item" in the brothel was a former football player, but the doors opened regardless.
Emmitt and his friends were led through a candlelit hall and into a room with stuffed animals hanging on the walls. In the center of it, there was a poker table, where Eli Manning, his brother Peyton, and several other players Emmitt didn't recognize were seated. A familiar-looking dog was sitting next to Eli, expecting scraps of food.
"Hello, I am Eli Manning and I run this brothel I have lots of football players available for sex including my brother Peyton who is seated here though I'm not sure why you'd want Peyton, he's a bit of an a**hole, not the type of a**hole you'd want to bang, but the a**hole you don't want to hang out with or even have sex with, I'm the favorite brother of the Manning family and I run the show, and no one can stop me," evil Eli said in one breath, somehow.
Emmitt looked over at Peyton, the "evil" facsimile of himself, who looked much more downtrodden than the real version. Emmitt expected Peyton to advertise some product with confidence. Instead...
"Hi, I'm Peyton Manning," evil Peyton said. "This introduction was brought to you by AIDS. AIDS, the auto-immune disease."
"Yes, yes, Peyton, keep advertising diseases like I ordered you to, for I am the superior Manning, and you shall worship me for all my glory, so anyway, Emmitt, what can I do for you and your friends, it better be important because you're interrupting my poker game, I'm the best poker player in Mistissippi, maybe even the whole world, I won so much money playing poker which is how I can run this brothel and order my idiot brother to advertise diseases," evil Eli laughed.
"Alan Manning, we looking for something you may have has, which called the ripe... or... uhh... right... or... uhh... ripe... or... uhh... rain... or... uhh..." Emmitt stammered.
"He means the rice of passage," the striped leopard said, impatiently.
"This correction is brought to you by SARS," evil Peyton said. "SARS, the infectious disease that can lead to pneumonia and respiratory failure."
"Shut up Peyton, you don't have to do that every time, you're so f***ing annoying you know that, you're so lucky you won the Super Bowl, I'm better than you in so many ways and I have all the passing records, and daddy likes me and not you, and mommy likes me and not you, and Cooper, our great football player brother though not as great as me hates you too so I'm going to leave this brothel for now and accompany Emmitt and his friends because I want to get away from you, Peyton, you giant p***y, and I will bring both my rice of passage and my deck of cards so you can't play poker without me, you idiot," evil Eli said without pausing.
"So, wait, I confuse," Emmitt said. "If scars a disease, I then real sick from my fight with my evil selves."
EVIL EMMITT MEETS WITH FORMER CONVICT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Monday, Sept. 14, 2020
It was the opening day of the NFL season, as all 32 Los Angeles teams battled each other. In one of the contests, the Los Angeles Cowboys battled the Los Angeles 49ers, and yet, the Cowboys didn't have their star running back on the field.
"I hope, by gum, that Ezekiel Elliott is not committin' another sort of crime," Jerry Jones said. "Not that we gonna cut him if he does committin' another sort of crime, but because I'm gonna have to cut somebody else in compensation for this action because Ezekiel is too important to this here team."
True to his word, Jerry Jones cut Lucky Whitehead again - the 27th time he was released.
"Can my teammates please stop committing crimes!?" Whitehead lashed out in frustration. "I'm tired of being the scapegoat for this bulls**t!"
Evil Emmitt turned off the TV.
"Lucky Whitehead is not... uhh... the word that mean fortune, it begin with the number 'L,'" evil Emmitt said. "But I do not understand what he mean by scape ghost. Are he a ghost? Are he the non-dead?"
No one dared correct evil Emmitt, even though they had no idea what he was capable of. There was just so much respect for the former great football player and the man who saved the planet on numerous occasions. No one even asked him to turn the TV back on even though everyone in the barber shop had been watching. No one, that is, except for Emmitt's barber.
"People here were watching that," the barber said.
You could hear a pin drop. The patrons and other workers in the barber shop groaned, muttering how the barber could be so disrespectful. Those waiting to get their hair cut walked out. Ezekiel Elliott and Dante Fowler watched with interest, as they had a feeling of what their new boss was capable of. They could almost sense it.
"Thank you for scrutincizing me," evil Emmitt said, to the utter shock of Elliott and Fowler. "I knew you was the right man for the job."
"Well, I am a professional barber," he said. "No one knows more about hairstyles than I do. I'd say my track record speaks for itself."
"I do not knowed what a track and field have to do with speech, but I assume this a Fig Newton of speech," Emmitt said. "Barber, you the exact man I looking for. I need a third guy to join my team, and I think you the guy who gonna follow the eighth guy and be the third guy."
"I'm sort of confused by your number system," the barber said. "And how can I help you, anyway? What, is my obsession with hairstyles somehow a key to some sort of mission you are on?"
Evil Emmitt turned around and nodded. He was looking at Michael Vick, who, of course, was arrested for dogfighting in 2007 and then convicted once more of raping dogs in showers several years later.
"I don't know, I've been clean for a while," Vick said. "I'm a hair enthusiast now, and I all I can do is tell everyone what their ideal hairstyle is."
"And that are exactly why I need you," evil Emmitt said. "This mission we on gonna requirement somebody to cut hair, and I cannot thinks of anybody who better at cut hair than yourselfs."