The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Tuesday, Sept. 15, 2020
Evil Emmitt had finally assembled his team. He sat with Ezekiel Elliott, Dante Fowler and Michael Vick at a diner table, drinking black coffee. Elliott, Fowler and Vick sat silently, waiting for their boss to address them. They were afraid to say anything, as they all sensed something sinister about him. Finally, evil Emmitt spoke.
"Gentleman, it great to have the whole team consembled together for the first time in history," evil Emmitt said. "But we must not rest on our Laurens. We got a real important mission to took care of, a mission that so real important that you do not even knowed how real important this mission are."
"So, what do we have to do?" Ezekiel Elliott asked, slapping the buttocks of a waitress who happened to walk by at that exact moment.
"Alexplicable Elliott, you my two, Dominant Fowler, you my eighth, and Merkel Vick you my third, but I am the first, the first number in the alphabet, so I am the only one privilege to that informations," evil Emmitt said.
"But Emmitt," Vick began to protest confidently, but softened his voice once he remembered whom he was addressing. "I- uhh- well- what should we do in the meantime? I left my haircutting business to help you. I have bills to pay. The electric cables and drowning pools aren't going to fund themselves."
"I like pool because you can swim inside him," evil Emmitt said. "Because this, I'm gonna give you a clue on the mission. And not the clue that are the board game where you try to find out who kill Mrs. Scarlet Johansson. I always have a suspicious that the guy who kill herselves is Colonel Ketchup, but maybe it Professor Apple. No. Not this kinda clue. The clue that detective buy at the clue store and then he crack a clue and draw a card."
"So, what's the clue, man?" Fowler asked, his eyes bloodshot from an activity he was participating in prior to this meeting.
"There is two me," evil Emmitt finally revealed. "Two the alphabet after the letter one. So there are myselves and another myselves. The other myselves real bad because he the guy who gonna stop us from doing fun thing. Alexplicable Elliott, he gonna make it so you can never unclothe another women ever again in the history of the world of time. Dominiria Fowler, he gonna make drug unlegal so you never gonna be able to inject yourselves with a marijuana needle ever again in the history of the world of time. And Merkel Angela, he gonna make pool unlegal so you can never gived your cat or dog a bath ever again in the history of the world of time."
The three men were speechless. Emmitt felt satisfied, knowing that he'd have their unwavering allegiance.
"But do not ferret, I have a planned to stop himselves," Emmitt said.
"Anything to stop him," Elliott said. "I'll unclothe every single woman on the planet if I have to."
"Agreed," Vick nodded. "If I have to drown any animal, including squirrels and penguins, I'll do it."
"You guys gonna order cheese fries?" Fowler asked. "I love cheese fries, man."
Evil Emmitt beamed, as his plan would soon be complete, and the real Emmitt would soon never pose a threat ever again.
EMMITT ENTERS THE DRAGONLORD'S CASTLE
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Unknown, Month?, XYZV
Real Emmitt and his companions, the striped leopard, the single ranger and Eli Manning - as well as Eli's dog - stood at a river bank overlooking a giant castle. The river was impassable, as the current was too strong to traverse, especially with the large number of sharp rocks protruding out of the water.
"It is a shame that none of us are that guy Michael Flips, who won all the chocolate gold medal at the All Impics," real Emmitt said.
"We don't need Michael Phelps," the striped leopard said. "Eli, please put the rice of passage in Emmitt's hands."
To real Emmitt's surprise, Eli didn't protest. He did as he commanded. The rice of passage didn't look like rice, as real Emmitt suspected. Instead, it was a raindrop-shaped jewel with reds, blues and purples inside the glass. Attached to it was an orange metallic chain that was warm to the touch.
"This look like real suspicion rice," real Emmitt said. "But maybe I gonna eat this with General So-So's Chicken."
"No, Emmitt, don't do that," the striped leopard said. "Throw it into the river instead. If legend is true, something magical will happen."
Real Emmitt begrudgingly did as he was commanded. Nothing happened at first, but a blinding flash of light appeared. Everyone shielded their eyes for a brief moment, and when they uncovered, they noticed that there was a rainbow bridge connecting the two continents.
"Wow, it worked!" the single ranger exclaimed.
"I- I read all about it, but it's still amazing to see," the striped leopard said.
"This rainbow bridge miracle is brought to you by Leprosy," a voice said from the bushes. "Leprosy, a chronic, curable infectious disease mainly causing skin lesions and nerve damage!"
"PEYTON, YOU MOTHERF***ER I TOLD YOU TO STAY IN MY BROTHEL, IF I HEAR YOU FOLLOWING US ONE MORE TIME I'M GOING TO KILL YOU MOTHERF***ER AND THE BURY YOU IN THE PLOT THAT I FORCED MOTHER AND FATHER TO PURCHASE SO THAT I CAN REMIND THEM OF THEIR IMPENDING DEMISE AND THE FACT THAT I WILL BE THE PROMINENT MANNING ONCE THEY FINALLY PASS, BUT IF YOU DON'T LEAVE NOW YOU'LL SUFFER MY WRATH AND BE BURIED IN THE CEMETERY BEFORE THEY DIE, YOU MOTHERF***ER!" Eli shouted in one breath.
Surely enough, Peyton, revealing himself from the bushes, whimpered and walked back toward the brothel.
"Phew, that's a relief," the single ranger said. "Had Peyton joined, we would've had five people in our party, which would've meant that one of us would've had to remain behind."
"I had the same concern," the striped leopard said. "But now with that drama over, we can finally approach the castle."
The four men traveled down the winding path and eventually reached the castle doors. Two female knights stood guard.
"Psst, guys, please hide me," the single ranger whispered. "I'm too scared to talk to girls."
"Nonsense," the striped leopard said. He then addressed the female knights. "We're here with real Emmitt to see the Dragonlord."
"The Dragonlord has been awaited your arrival," one of the knights said. The other opened the door.
Real Emmitt and his companions were led through the throne room, which was conspicuously empty.
"Our real throne room is hidden," one of the knights said, sensing the confusion. "Hold on."
The knight went behind the throne and clicked something, prompting a staircase to appear. Real Emmitt and his friends descended and were suddenly in another identical throne room. The Dragonlord was in this one, however, and she looked oddly familiar to real Emmitt. Another pair of female knights, standing in front of the Dragonlord, addressed the travelers with a stern expression.
"Please kneel in the presence of Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell."