The premise: Coming off a Super Bowl victory, the Patriots open the 2013 season with a blowout win. Unfortunately, they get into trouble for Spygate II. As punishment, Roger Goodell orders the Patriots to fire Bill Belichick and replace him with Emmitt Smith. Three years later, the Patriots beat the Bears in the Super Bowl, 2-0. After the game, Emmitt announced his retirement.
This is a weekly feature that will take a newspaper reporter's perspective and follow Emmitt through his post-retirement days.
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Unknown, Month?, XYZV
Real Emmitt hardly recognized her. He, of course, was familiar with Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell from his world. She was a monstrous behemoth whose mental prowess was degrading at an exponential rate. She was bordering on the edge of lunacy, which was quite dangerous for a woman of her size. The New York Post had reported that the real Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell had accidentally eaten 75 people when she was going on and on about her latest political tirade. No official charges were made, as police happened to be frightened of her.
This Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell, however, was quite different. She had a radiance about her that was almost angelic. She was quite beautiful and slender, and she seemingly had a golden glow that was emanating from her smooth, silky skin. More importantly, she didn't sport the real Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell trademark vicious scowl.
"Please kneel before Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell," one of the guards bellowed.
The striped leopard, the single ranger and Eli Manning all knelt, as commanded. Emmitt, on the other hand, stared at the ground, seemingly scouring for something.
"Why art thou not kneeling?" the same guard asked.
"You say Dragonqueen Rosemont O'Donald losted a nail, so I searching for it," real Emmitt said.
"I said kneel; not nail," the guard said angrily. "If thou doth not kneel..."
"Let him be," Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell said. She rose from her throne and seemingly glided toward real Emmitt and his companions.
"Emmitt, I presume," Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell said. "I've been waiting for you for quite a long time."
"Well, thank you, I apricot it," real Emmitt said, flustered by her beauty and flattered that she thought so highly of him. "But I hope when you wait for real long, you do something fun like watch a book or read a movie."
"Time flows differently here in the evil realm," Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell said. "I'm sure you've noticed, but it's difficult to keep track of time here. That, of course, is because you missed that 'time and money' class in your second grade.
"Everything here, in the evil realm, is a byproduct of your imagination and verbal skills, Emmitt. You are effectively a deity here. Unfortunately, this realm has been tainted by darkness when it was created. That's because Matt Millen and Norv Turner's turkey neck entered the portal at its inception. Millen has already been defeated, but Norv Turner's turkey neck is still at large.
"Emmitt," Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell continued, hovering slowly toward real Emmitt. "You must defeat Norv Turner's turkey neck to exit the evil realm. However, once you do, you'll be confronted by your counterpart, evil Emmitt, who is running amok in your world. You'll need the Sword of Legendary Sword to defeat him, which you can find in the magical forest. You must do this before your counterpart kills the three sages and re-opens the portal to the dark realm. Once that happens, the debaclation wisps will enter your world and debacle every good person in existence."
"The Sword of Legendary Sword..." real Emmitt muttered to himself before looking at Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell. "I play with a plastic sword I call the Sword of Legendary Sword when I was a kid children. How can I found the magical frost to get it so I can debeat my countertop?"
"I will mark it on the map your single ranger has," Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell has. A red X appeared on the single ranger's map to his astonishment, as Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell didn't even touch it.
"But remember, you must kill Norv Turner's turkey neck first; otherwise you won't be able to pull the Sword of Legendary Sword. Norv Turner's turkey neck has shrouded the magical forest with dark magic, but it'll be dispelled if he's defeated. To do that, you'll need a goose egg."
"And where do I found a goose egg?" real Emmitt asked. "Do we go to the supermarket or the egg store?"
"Sadly, there are no supermarkets or egg stores here in the dark realm because you've never shopped for yourself, Emmitt," Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell said. She continued to glide toward Emmitt, and was now within inches of him.
"There's one goose egg in the dark realm. And Brett Favre happens to have it."
TWO SURPRISES FOR EMMITT
By Alex Rodriguez, Special to the NFL Bible Network Unknown, Month?, XYZV
It was morning when real Emmitt and his companions left Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell's domain. This didn't make much sense, as they entered the castle at high noon and couldn't have spent more than an hour in there. And yet, the sun was coming up on the horizon, and the birds were chirping. Indeed, time made no sense in the dark realm.
"It's a shame Dragonlord Rosie O'Donnell didn't know where we can find Brett Favre," the striped leopard said. "I imagine he's somewhere in Mistissippi because he's from Mississippi in your real world, Emmitt, but Mistissippi is a large place, and it could take a while to find him."
"I know where to find him, at least I know someone who would know where to find him, maybe not at this exact moment, but in recent moments, I don't know how recent because time doesn't work normally here, but I think I can find some way to go find him, but it's going to come at a cost, and it's going to take some time, and we have to do some backtracking, and it's going to be annoying, real annoying, and someone's going to have to stay behind, and I'm going to hate myself for asking for his help, but I don't see any other alternative, but I have to do it if I don't want the portal to open up because I don't want to go to the real world because I won't be able to run my brothel there, and business is booming here, and from what I've heard my bigger brother is a real a**hole in the real world, and I don't want him to bully me around, but yeah, as you can probably tell by my reluctance, Peyton knows where Brett Favre is, or at least where he used to be, because Peyton runs the division of my brothel that deals with older quarterbacks like Brett Favre who have such tiny penises that they'd never send it via text, oh man, it's so small, and it's a shame, but yeah, I can ask Peyton, but for that, we have to go to the brothel, actually, let me get a head start because I can run quicker by myself, since I'm so fast and all, wait here, and I'll tell him to find you here, OK, thanks, bye," Eli somehow said in one breath.
And just like that, Eli sprinted off into the distance, galloping at an unbelievable pace. His dog somehow kept pace with him.
"Wow, that guy can fly," the single ranger said. "And how the hell did he just blurt out a 282-word sentence in one breath? That's crazy."
Suddenly, there was some rustling in the bushes. The striped leopard and the single ranger guarded Emmitt, but they quickly relaxed once they saw who it was.
"I never went home, I tricked my brother!" Peyton beamed. "This trickery was brought to you by epilepsy. Epilepsy, a neurological disorder marked by sudden recurrent episodes of sensory disturbance, loss of consciousness, or convulsions, associated with abnormal electrical activity in the brain."
"But he went home to find you," the striped leopard complained. "He provided us with the rice of passage, and now he's wasting his time."
"Yes, but he wouldn't have taken me with him, and now, I can join your party, and there are four of us, meaning I can stay forever," Peyton said, joining the party. "This instance of a character joining a party is brought to you by hypertension. Hypertension, a state of great psychological stress."
"Ugh, I liked Eli better," the single ranger moaned, but was interrupted by more rustling.
"Whom or who there?" real Emmitt asked.
The sound wasn't coming from the bushes this time. Rather, two stones animated themselves, and were walking menacingly toward real Emmitt and his crew.
"Agents of Norv's turkey neck!" the single ranger shouted. "Eat lead, bastards!"
The single ranger fired his gun at the stone monsters. No effect. They were stone, after all.
One of the stone monsters swung at the striped leopard, who toppled over. It began licking its paw, as it was wounded.
"Emmitt, look out, it's coming right for you!" the single ranger cried.
Real Emmitt thought quickly, and instantly realized what had to be done. He dodged the stone monster's swing and darted toward the tree. He climbed with great haste.
"Emmitt, they're just going to knock down the tree!" the striped leopard shouted. "Hiding from them won't work."
But Emmitt wasn't hiding. He shimmied toward a nest and grabbed one of the chirping birds. He then released the bird toward the stones. The bird pooped on the stones, and they exploded in an instant.
"Wow, how... how did you know that would happen?" the single ranger asked, his mouth agape.
"Easinessed," Emmitt said. "All I have to do is kill two stone with one bird."