Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014





Jerks of the Week: June 9, 2014


JERK OF THE WEEK: Jerks of the DMV

Last Saturday was one of the more frustrating days in recent memory. It was supposed to be a pleasant afternoon. My girlfriend and I were invited to my friend Kate's graduation party. We then planned to head to the mall so I could buy a birthday gift for my dad, and then we agreed to hang out with Body Burner, his girlfriend, my girlfriend's brother and his girlfriend at my house for a nightcap.

The graduation party was fun. I gobbled down a pair of sandwiches - pork and cheese, ham and cheese - as well as some stuffed shells. I also played ladder golf, which is always fun, though some handicapped kid teamed up with Body Burner to beat me and my girlfriend. To be fair, the handicapped kid was black, so he had more athleticism than all of us, combined, even though he could barely walk with a cast around his ankle. He may have had one bum leg, but being an old, fat man, I have two bum legs, so if anyone there was handicapped, it was me.

My girlfriend and I then went over to the mall with Body Burner, my cousin Polina, her husband, and our friend Wild Ginger. The girls wanted to look around for clothes, shoes, etc., so us guys waited outside the store. I basically sat down often: on the massage chair in front of one clothing store, on a wooden bench outside of another, and on a bed in Bloomingdales. Sitting down is my favorite part of the mall - that, as well as eating at the food court and finding jerks.

Unfortunately, I already ate, and I couldn't really spot any jerks, save for two women at a kitchen store. We went in there because my girlfriend wanted to buy a potato masher and a pepper corer for her dad for Father's Day. We brought the items to the register, and we looked at the woman behind the counter, who was wrapping something.

"One second," she said.

More like 10 minutes. We stood there like a**holes as she wrapped whatever the hell she was wrapping. I don't understand why she made us wait. Couldn't she have put down the wrapping paper for 30 seconds to ring us up? We were paying customers, after all. I wanted to grab the potato masher and bash this woman over the head with it. I didn't do this, however, because that would be illegal. American laws are stupid.

Instead, I'll declare that I'm never going back there again. Granted, I have nothing I want to buy in a kitchen store, but if I ever figure out where the eggery is, I'm not going there for a frying pan. Is there a Kitchen R Us? If so, I'm shopping there for my frying pans.

We went by the sports memorabilia store on our way out. I spotted a Philadelphia 76ers panorama there earlier - a giant picture of Allen Iverson, Charles Barkley, Julius Erving and Wilt Chamberlain - and I asked the guy at the store to hold it for us because it was too big to carry around everywhere. I fished into my pockets for my credit card when my heart sank. It wasn't there. Neither was my driver's license.

I had enough cash on hand to pay for the panorama, but I told everyone that I was missing my two key items. My girlfriend, Body Burner and I scoured the mall, while the others checked the car. We looked at the massage chair, the wooden bench and the bed at Bloomingdales. Nothing. The others had no luck either. Body Burner called his girlfriend, who was still at the graduation party. She said she'd look there, but there was so much drunken commotion there that we decided that we should look for ourselves, just in case.

We arrived back at the party 15 minutes later. It was already dark out, so Kate's dad gave us a flashlight. We found nothing around the deck or the two ladder golf posts, and then we checked the driveway - and we found a driver's license, and a credit card! They were both flipped upside down, but it was obvious that that's what they were.

"Yes, we found them!" my girlfriend exclaimed giddily, snatching both cards off the ground. We flipped them over, and my heart sank once again - both the license and the credit card belonged to my friend Marlana.

It was almost as if God was laughing at me. I imagined him in heaven, bellowing, "Bwahahaha that fat a**hole lost at ladder golf to a handicapped kid - even though he was highly athletic - and now I tricked him into thinking he found his license and credit card, bwahahahahaa!"

We went home and checked around my house. We found no sign of the two cards, so I called the credit card company and asked them to send out a new one. As for my driver's license, I'd have to journey over to the local DMV. I dreaded that trip, but the jerks I found there made it well worth it.





DMV Itself

I had to wait until Tuesday to go to the DMV. Why? Because the DMV is closed on Monday. I have no idea why, but God forbid that state employees have to work on a Monday. Then again, if I had to sit in that horrible building for five days per week, I'd probably lose my mind, so maybe the state is on to something in this regard.

The DMV opened at 8:30 in the morning. I wanted to get there on time so I wouldn't have to wait in line. It was a 10-minute drive, but I left at 8:15 just in case. Unfortunately, I didn't get there until 8:40. The combination of rush-hour traffic and some a**hole truck that was going 10 mph on a one-lane road screwed me over. I entered the building 10 minutes late, and my heart sank - it's been doing that a lot lately - when I saw 50 or so people sitting and waiting. Ugh.

The woman at the front counter handed me a slip with a number on it: B408. I looked to the right, and saw "001," "002," "003" and "004" on the board. To my left, "801," "802," "803" and "804."

Uhh... what? Where was I supposed to go? Was there a third section I didn't see, or did I have to wait for "004" to eventually go to "408?" Was I going to have to spend eight hours there just to get a new license?

I went back to the woman at the counter.

Me: My number says 408. Is that a mistake? Where am I supposed to go?

Woman: The numbers jump around.

Me: Jump around? So which side do I go on?

Woman: Where the 800s are.

What? If they gave me a slip that said "B408," why would I have to sit near the 800s? And where did the "B" go? Was the "B" supposed to be an 8, but they screwed up?

The woman was right that the numbers jumped around. Here's the order in which the prompter read the numbers:

"Now serving, 402."
"Now serving, 403."
"Now serving, 805."
"Now serving, 806."
"Now serving, 404."
"Now serving, 405."
I'm now fully convinced the people running the DMV are complete morons. Maybe the DMV is closed on Monday because the person in charge thinks it's a Saturday. Hey, if their numbers can jump around, why can't the days of the week?

It took them about 25 minutes to reach 408, though I'm still not sure where the "B" went. It would have been 20 minutes, but the bald guy behind the "801" counter was playing Sudoku. I'm not joking. I passed by his desk on the way to the bathroom, and I saw him filling in the numbers in a Sudoku grid. He had his hand on his forehead the entire time, almost as if he was trying to prevent his brain from exploding because this puzzle was too difficult.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "Walt, this guy was probably just on break, or something." A break at 8:45 a.m.? Who takes a break as soon as the workplace opens? And he was just doing this out in the open; an employee passed by this guy's desk minutes later...

Other Employee: Tough one today, Joe?

Sudoku Player: Yup! I'm racking my brain here!

What does this guy do at the DMV, figure out Sudoku puzzles all day? Why is our tax money going toward this nonsense? Like I said, complete morons.


Super Cool Dude

I noticed this girl walk in and sit down in the row in front of me. She was wearing short shorts, which revealed her very skinny legs. She also had this red mark on her lips that looked like herpes. However, the most notable thing about her was her boyfriend.

This guy was the epitome of cool. He was skinny as well and wore a tight polo shirt and checkered shorts. He had slicked-back blond hair and tiny, diamond studded earrings on both ears. He also wore sun glasses inside. This alone may not have qualified him to be a jerk, but luckily I was close enough to hear everything he said to his girlfriend. He said the same two words over and over again:

"Sup, babe."

Every few minutes, he'd look over to her, coolly tilt his upward and ask, "Sup, babe?" Every few minutes, without fail. She wouldn't even be saying anything half the time, yet he'd ask, "Sup, babe?"

You know, I was going to make fun of him for being ridiculous enough to wear sunglasses inside, but this guy is so cool that I just can't do that.







Evil DMV Man

I was hoping that the chubby woman behind one of the counters would summon me. I thought I saw her wink at me, so I figured she could help me quickly. I've found that I get along extremely well with middle-aged and older women, so having her serve me would be painless.

Unfortunately, she called the number right before me - 809 - summoning a fat Mexican chick who sat behind me and droned on and on about her Facebook pictures. If there's one thing worse about someone ranting about their Facebook pictures, it's a fat Mexican chick ranting about her Facebook pictures.

I was summoned to the counter to the left of the chubby woman's minutes later. My view of the person behind this counter from my seat was obstructed because of the angle; otherwise, I would have noticed him much earlier. This person was the strangest-looking man I've ever seen. He was short - about 5-foot-1 - and had tiny eyes concealed by thick glasses, a small nose and frazzled gray hair. His most prominent feature, however was his mustache. It was gray and very thick, and the ends were curled up, almost as if he spent time twirling them like some sort of super villain.

"How can I help you?" he asked with an angry tone. I gave him a license renewal form I received in the mail. My license was set to expire in August, so I figured I'd see if I could renew it there rather than return to the DMV in two months.

Evil DMV Man: What is this? You're in the wrong place.

Me: I was just going to see if I could...

Evil DMV Man: You don't belong here.

Me: OK, but I also needed to...

Evil DMV Man: You're done. Move aside so someone else can be helped.

Me: I NEED A REPLACEMENT LICENSE TOO!

I had to yell out to prevent him from pressing the button to summon the next number, which probably would have been 9,304, or something. I showed him the other form I brought with me.

Evil DMV Man: You need a camera card?

Me: Camera card? I need a license with a picture on it.

Evil DMV Man: So, you need a camera card. Let me see that.

Evil DMV Man grabbed the form from my hands and pored over the page.

"You don't need a camera card!" he snapped. "It'll be $29.50 for the new license. And you have to give me a check or a money order; otherwise, you have to return later."

I don't understand why you can't just give the DMV cash, but again, they are run by morons. I asked for a pen to sign my check, and he begrudgingly gave it to me, almost as if he thought I'd steal it from him.

"Who do I make it out to, the Department of Motor Vehicles?" I asked.

He looked back at me like I was some kind of idiot.

"Can't you read the sign?" he asked, pointing to something written to his left that I hadn't noticed before: "Please may checks payable to Penn Dot."

What a douche. I didn't see it. It was off to the side, so I wasn't looking there. I don't know why he had to be a dick about it.

Once I signed the check and handed it to him, he got up and went to one of the computers. I waited a while. I looked to my right, and Skinny Legs Girl, who was now being helped by the chubby woman, was laughing and making jokes. "I lost my license twice in Washington, so that's the last time I'm going there!" she exclaimed to the delight of the chubby woman. Skinny Legs Girl then looked back at her boyfriend, who responded, "Sup babe?" I was so jealous. These people were having a great time at the ole DMV. Why couldn't I?

And what was taking so long? I felt like I had been standing there forever. In fact, Skinny Legs Girl and Super Cool Dude walked out of the DMV before I got my license, yet she went up after me and had the same issue. So what was going on?

I peered around the corner to look at what Evil DMV Man was doing. He was violently mashing the keys of a computer that looked like it was from 1995. I then saw the monitor and nearly burst out laughing: It displayed a blue screen of death. That was computer was fried. It figures that the DMV would have the oldest computer ever, and it would break on the day I happened to go there.

Evil DMV Man summoned over another employee. He violently mashed the keyboard as well, but he didn't have much luck. Evil DMV Man then went back to the counter.

"Sit down, it's going to be a while," he snarled.

Ugh. I waited for what seemed like 15 more minutes. Will this computer ever be fixed? I wondered. Why don't they just use another one?

Evil DMV Man eventually emerged from the back and called out, "Alex? Alex? Alex?" I didn't think anything of it at first, but he was looking directly at me when he was shouting that name. Did he mean me? That's what I figured, so I thought I'd check it out.

Me: Were you calling me?

Evil DMV Man: Is your name Alex?

Me: No...

Evil DMV Man: No, it's not. I wasn't calling you. I was calling Alex. Now go sit back down.

I wanted to curse this a**hole off, but he was the only man on this planet who could give me a driver's license, so calling him a "f***ing, mustache-twirling c**t" would certainly compromise that.

Minutes later, he summoned me over.

"Here's your license," he said coldly. "When you lose it again, remember that the check is made out to Penn Dot."

Is that what all of the malice was about? Because I didn't know whom to make the check out to? Whatever. I was out of there, and I was happy that this entire ordeal was over.

After my experience at the DMV, I'm going to try my hardest not to lose my license again. Unfortunately, I get the feeling that Evil DMV Man is sitting at home, twirling his mustache and trying to think of a ways he can make that happen.

LOADING COMMENTS...



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Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 25


2019 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 25


NFL Power Rankings - Nov. 21


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 23


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23









 





 

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