Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014





Jerks of the Week: Aug. 25, 2014


JERK OF THE WEEK: Why True Blood Sucks

It seems like yesterday when I wrote my 2010 Jerks of the Year entry on Twilight. I entitled it, the Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks. It's one of my favorite entries, and others share that sentiment. When I went to my 10-year high school reunion, I had multiple people tell me that they loved how I broke down why Twilight was such absolute trash.

The thing is, I only covered the first movie in that God-forsaken series. I still have three more films to watch and make fun of. I've planned on doing this, but I just haven't gotten around to it. I want to criticize the other movies, but wasting another two hours or so watching another Twilight film just seems depressing. Seriously, I'd rather bash myself in the head with a hammer for that amount of time because it just seems like it would be so much more fun and productive.

I'll get around to the other Twilight films sooner or later, but in the meantime, I have more vampires to disparage. I'm not sure if you've heard, but True Blood aired its final episode last night. I haven't watched it yet.

Yes, True Blood. Not that there's anything wrong with that. No, really, it used to be a good show. The first season was amazing, and it's definitely worth checking out if you haven't seen it. The premise is that the vampires, who have been in hiding for thousands of years, have finally "come out of the coffin," as they put it. They make themselves known to the public, thanks to the invention of True Blood, a synthetic blood drink. With True Blood available for purchase everywhere, vampires no longer have to attack people and drink their blood, so many of them have decided to become civilized. Other vampires, however, refuse to "mainstream." They're still evil and hostile, and they make the good vampires look bad.

Of course, there's resistance to vampires mainstreaming. In the credits, there's a sign that says "God Hates Fangs," and there's a homicidal maniac running around in the first season who kills vampires and the human women they sleep with. It's a mystery as to who this character is, and I'll have to admit that I was pretty surprised when I found out.

True Blood used to be appointment television for me, but that show has gotten so bad to the point that I go weeks without watching an episode. And when I do, I sound like a homicidal maniac myself because I yell at the TV in frustration. My neighbors have heard me shout the following things:

"I DON'T F***ING CARE ABOUT THESE CHARACTERS!!!"

"SHE'S A F***ING IDIOT! WHY WOULD SHE DO THAT!?"

"THIS SHOW SUCKS, WHY THE HELL AM I WATCHING THIS!?"

"NO ONE GIVES A S*** ABOUT GAY VAMPIRES, NOT THAT THERE'S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THAT!!!"

Gay vampires are just the tip of the iceberg, though one particular gay vampire is a problem on the show. I'm referring to a gay vampire who banged this other vampire, Jessica, in a detention center in the previous season. They quickly fell in love. Two episodes into this season, Jessica completely lost interest in this vampire, but continued to date him. This vampire got insecure that Jessica no longer liked him, so he began talking to a gay, cross-dressing human named Lafayette. They then fell in love - the vampire was just happy that someone was listening to him - and Jessica eventually caught the gay vampire boinking Lafayette near her car outside of a house party, where anyone walking to the house or looking outside of a window could see them.

I wish I were making this up.

Sadly, this isn't nearly the worst plot line True Blood has ever had. Not even close. The first three seasons were great, but we were eventually introduced to werewolves (how original), followed naturally by werepanthers. Yes, werepanthers. Microsoft Word is spazzing out with its red, squiggly lines because it doesn't recognize "werepanthers," and I'm spazzing out remembering how much of an abomination the werepanther storyline was.

Werepanthers, as you can imagine, were humans that can turn into panthers. Cool, right? Werewolves themselves were utterly useless in the True Blood world. A new vampire - they grow stronger as they get older - took down four werewolves in one episode. They tried to validate werewolves by having one of the vampires say, "Werewolves are the greatest trackers in the world." Whoop-dee-freaking-doo.

Werepanthers are the degenerate cousins of werewolves in that they're even more useless. The werepanther community, per the show, was comprised of white-trash meth heads who lived in trailers and shacks because they were poor. You'd think they could use their panther abilities to upgrade their living conditions somehow, but all they did was cook and use meth.

The werepanther storyline went like this: Jason, a bayou hick who happened to be the brother of Sookie, the main character, fell in love with this ugly, skinny chick. He eventually learned that she was a werepanther. For some reason, the werepanthers believed that Jason was the "chosen one," so they strapped him to a bed and had all of the female werepanthers rape him so they could have "chosen" werepanther babies. This may not sound so bad for Jason, who banged a ridiculous amount of women on the show, but a 12-year-old girl eventually tried to rape him, and he had no choice but to have an erection because the male werepanther meth heads shoved Viagra down his throat.

This is what sent True Blood down a dark spiral. The show eventually delved into faeries, shapeshifters (they could only turn into stupid animals) and Mexican shamans. The latter plot was great because we got to watch an entire episode of Lafayette and a gay Mexican nurse named Jesus sit in the desert so they could sacrifice a rabbit for Jesus' uncle. That was some scintillating television.

I guess other viewers were as frustrated as I was because True Blood went back to focusing on vampires for the most part this season. The major conflict that went on was a hepatitis infection that was killing vampires until a cure was found, of course. This would've been a promising plot, but True Blood spent half of each episode on its terrible characters: The bar owner shapeshifter who impregnated a black chick; the thrice-widowed waitress who has a new crush on a vampire in a rock band; the fairy daughter of the sheriff, who has a crush on her future stepbrother. None of this crap mattered, yet True Blood, in its infinite wisdom, dedicated so much time every week to it.

I reached a breaking point while watching the seventh episode of this season. The entire hour was so completely pointless that I spent the whole time yelling at the TV in agony. I usually did this a few times per episode, but I was shouting the whole hour.

To show you how awful it was, I'm going to take you through, scene by scene, so you can understand the devastating pain I went through:




Scene 1: Remember the hepatitis cure I mentioned? A woman named Sarah drank the only vial of this antidote (of course), and two of the vampires, Eric and Pam, along with the head of the corporation that invented True Blood - a Japanese man with a Texan accent - go to Sarah's sister's house. Sarah's sister is a vampire - a very hot vampire - but Eric, the only cool character on the show (he was a viking who was turned into a vampire 1,000 years ago), grows so frustrated because she was being uncooperative that he stabs her with a pencil. The hot vampire proceeds to explode into a pile of blood and ooze.

This scene wouldn't have been bad if they didn't kill the hottest chick currently on the show. But it highlights how dumb the vampires' weakness to wood is. Vampires in True Blood can travel at the speed of sound. They have super strength. They can control people's thoughts. They can even fly, if they're old enough. And yet, a pencil kills them. A freaking pencil! And it doesn't even have to be to the heart! If they're pricked with a pencil, anywhere on their body, they die. A freaking splinter kills them.

Scene 2: The sheriff and his fiancee are looking for their children, who are banging somewhere. If their children were even remotely interesting or somehow relevant to the overall story arch, maybe I'd give a damn. Maybe.

Scene 3: Jessica is crying because Bill, her maker (the vampire who turned her into a vampire), has been infected with hepatitis. Unfortunately for Bill, his hepatitis - emphasized by blackened veins - is spreading more quickly because he drank the blood of a hep-positive fairy. I'm pretty sure I once did the same exact thing during my wild drinking days at Penn State, so I guess I'm pretty lucky that I'm not a vampire.

Jessica's phone rings. It buzzes 10 times because everyone is too upset to get up. The phone doesn't go to voicemail, and the person calling won't hang up. The phone just keeps ringing. Eventually, Bill gets it and hands it over to Jessica because it's the sheriff, and he wants to know if his daughter is OK. You see, Jessica drank his fairy daughter's blood, which means that as a vampire, she'll know if his daughter is in danger.

Yet another awesome power - and yet Jessica could never take the SATs because she'd need to use a No. 2 pencil.

Anyway, the sheriff and his wife decide to look for their kids at some lake house in Oklahoma, so they plan on driving there from Louisiana - all without calling there first, or asking one of the neighbors there to investigate. So, the sheriff let Jessica's phone ring 10 times without hanging up, and yet he won't even try calling that other house? Why so inconsistent? And is it OK for the sheriff to leave the town, especially when he only has three other deputies? I love how that isn't addressed at all.

Scene 4: The sheriff's fairy daughter and her step-brother boyfriend are with this hot brunette vampire, who invites them to her creepy home. She tells them she's doing this because she's upset their parents don't appreciate their love, but she has a hidden agenda (of course). She tells them, "When I was your age, I used to f*** my brother. A lot." I thought we were in Louisiana; not West Virginia.

The hot vampire leads the two kids to a room with dildos, handcuffs and other sex toys. The kids thank her, so she says, "You don't need to thank me. I love love!" Let's move on before I throw something at the TV.

Scene 5: More Jessica and Bill. They notice that Bill's blackened veins are moving into his neck. Sookie, the fairy who infected Bill, is there too. She refuses to accept that he's dying. I refuse to accept that I'm wasting my time rewatching this piece of s*** show.

Scene 6: A dream sequence where the thrice-widowed waitress bangs the rock-band vampire. In it, the hammy vampire tells her he's 515 years old (keep that in mind for later). She's resistant at first because "a human with a vampire is wrong." But it's oh so right.

I hate dream sequences in shows and movies. Unless it's a character having prophetic dreams, it's just filler bulls*** and a cheap ploy for shock value. Like "OMG THAT WOMAN IS HAVING A SEX WITH A VAMPIRE OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG WHOA IT WAS ONLY A DREAM OH MANNNNN." Ugh.

Scene 7: The Japanese guy with the Texan accent from the first scene tells Eric and Pam that he wants to synthesize Sarah's blood and make profit of off it. He asks them if they are capitalists, and Eric nods his head.

Thank God. Socialist vampires would be even more annoying.

Anyway, for some reason, the Japanese Texan offers Eric 49 percent of the profit from this "New Blood" he wants to create. I have zero idea what Eric did do or could do to earn 49 percent. It makes zero sense from a business perspective, especially when it's coming from a capitalist. A Japanese capitalist with a Texan accent, that is. And I thought werepanthers were dumb.

Scene 8: Sookie and Jessica put Bill to bed. Sookie and Jessica talk, but I can't pay attention because of Sookie's hideous teeth. The only thing I catch is that Sookie says "there's a miracle out there waiting for Bill." Sure there is - the end of this horrific show.

Scene 9: Bill dreams that he's back in the 1800s as a human. He's talking to his father, who tells him to marry some woman named Caroline so "our lands can combine." Nothing too terrible here, so let's just move on.

Scene 10: This guy Hoyt shows up to a bar with his super-hot girlfriend, Bridget. You see, Hoyt used to be one of the useless main characters on the show. He was a human male who dated Jessica. Jason banged Jessica, so Hoyt beat him up. Hoyt was then extremely miserable, so Jessica brainwashed Hoyt into forgetting about both her and Jason. He then moved to Alaska.

OK, I just realized how dumb that sounded. Why didn't the writers come to the same conclusion when they came up with that crap?

Anyway, the waitress asks them if they have vampire problems in Alaska. Here's the wonderful exchange:

Bridget: Not really because it doesn't get dark up there very much this time of year.

Waitress: Oh! I never even thought of that!

Hoyt: Bridget is super smart!

Super smart... because she knows when the sun sets in her hometown? Derp dee derp.

Scene 11: Jason is vacuuming with his shirt off. If my female friends I used to watch this awful show with were here, they'd all go, "WWWOOHHHHWOOWHWOWOFHWPH!"

Jason gets a call that Hoyt is back in town. He panics. This show's getting intense!

Scene 12: Back to the sheriff's daughter and her step-brother lover. They struggle with the sex toys because they think each other is into that. They also both discover that they were virgins prior to banging each other the first time. It's amusing to me when the daughter says, "it was my first time too!" Why? Because she's 2 years old!

She is. She looks 18, but she's only 2. You see, the sheriff banged some fairy and was later presented with five daughters he had to raise. They all grew at an accelerated rate, yet they conveniently stopped at "18." That in itself is pretty arbitrary; who's to say they don't have the bodies of 17- or 16-year-olds? And wouldn't it still be illegal for them to bang men regardless? I don't even know.

Anyway, Jessica killed the other four faeries by draining too much of their blood. Yet, she's trusted enough by the sheriff to take care of his fifth daughter. That makes lots of sense.

Scene 13: Jason shows up to the bar. He can't stop staring at Bridget's cleavage. You'd think the writers would know something about character progression. On another show or movie, Jason would grow and not have a crazy urge to bang another one of Hoyt's girlfriends. But this is True Blood we're talking about, where werepanthers are real, and good storytelling is not.

Scene 14: A short, elderly woman drives up in a hummer. She's the doctor, and she came to look in on Bill, who is dreaming about the first time he met his former wife. The doctor freaks out once she learns that Sookie's "great-great-great times a thousand grandfather" is some dude named Nile Ludvig. Oooohhh so intriguing. Can't wait to find out about that!

Scene 15: Hoyt and Bridget are at the morgue, where Hoyt identifies his mother's body. Jason continues to stare at Bridget's wonderful cleavage.






Scene 16: Sookie approaches Bill's late wife's grave and calls out to Nile Ludvig. The trees rustle, but nothing happens. She then comes home and sees Nile rummaging through her cupboard. "How do you make that wonderful spaghetti?" he asks.

Nile explains that the doctor freak out because dwarves hate faeries. Oh, OK. Sookie begs Nile to use some of his magic to cure Bill, though Nile is reluctant because Bill apparently isn't good enough for her. Old man, this chick made you spaghetti, the least you can do is cure her vampire boyfriend from hepatitis!

Scene 17: Sarah comes back to an old camp where she used to work. She sees Jason - really a figment of her imagination - playing football... with his shirt off! WWWOOHHHHWOOWHWOWOFHWPH!"

Shirtless ghost Jason tells Sarah that she's going to die and that her number is up. Dun dun dunnnn!!!

Scene 18: Capitalist Texan Japanese Man's henchmen have located Sarah using their fancy satellite. Capitalist Texan Japanese Man lights a cigar. Oooooohhhh!!!

Scene 19: The shapeshifter bar owner is talking to his waitress about his dilemma: He doesn't want to leave, but his pregnant girlfriend doesn't want to raise her child in this crazy town. Zzzzzzz...

Scene 20: The sheriff and his fiancee show up to the Oklahoma lake house. The fiancee says, "I think I have keys here somewhere." Wow. So you drove all the way from Louisiana to Oklahoma without checking if you had keys first!? HOW DUMB ARE THESE CHARACTERS AAHAHHGHGHGHGHGHGw eoIHWEOIGH WIGIWEG HRGIEHRGOI HEROIG G HW RHG RHGOI IH OIRGH EROIGH .

Scene 21: Nile tells Sookie that they have to channel "nature's memory." By doing this, they both see Bill's first child being born in a vision. That sparks this exchange:

Nile: Wow, that was amazing.

Sookie: What was so amazing?

Nile: Child birth. It was a miracle.

Sookie: Grandpa, was I not being perfectly clear? I need a miracle.

Nile: It was a miracle.

Sookie: Babies are born all the time.

Nile: That doesn't make it less miraculous. There's magic in the ordinary. Birth is a miracle. Love is a miracle. Death is a miracle. Forgiveness is a miracle. Especially if you can learn to forgive yourself.

Sookie: Did you bring me here just to trick me?

Nile: No, I wanted to give you some advice. There are some things that can be fixed with magic. But your vampire friend is not one of them.

Sookie: Thank you for the life lesson. Can you go now please?

...

...

...

OH MY GOD WHY THE F*** DID TRUE BLOOD WASTE MY TIME AGAIN!? WHY DID THEY SPEND 10 MINUTES ON THIS OLD MAN IF HE DIDN'T PROGRESS THE STORYLINE AT ALL!? WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HIM BEING IN THIS EPISODE!? WHY DIDN'T HE TELL HER HE COULDN'T CURE BILL IN THE FIRST PLACE!? WHY DOES BILL'S WIFE GIVING BIRTH 150 YEARS AGO MATTER!? WHY WHY WHY WHY WHWYWYWHYW H Y WYHWY HWYH WYH WYH YWH YHWYHYH YHWYHYHHFEWGUHWOHERO GHERO IERO

Scene 22: A little black girl is in her room. She looks out the window and sees Lafayette and his alcoholic aunt digging holes in her backyard. This is all we'll see of these two characters in this episode. Want to know what they're up to? Tune in next week!

Scene 23: The waitress is drinking by herself. Rock-band vampire shows up. Is this a dream? No, it's real! Oh boy! Rock-band vampire asks the waitress if she wants to dance, and she accepts. They begin to talk.

Waitress: Are you really 515 years old?

Hammy Vampire: Yeah. I am.

HOW DID SHE KNOW THAT IF SHE ONLY DREAMT ABOUT IT!? HE NEVER TOLD HER SO HOW DID SHE KNOW!? THIS MAKES NO F***IGN SENSEEWG AAAGGHH HRGHR8GHRW HGW0RH G OEIO ERHOI ERHIGO H.

Scene 24: Slutty West Virginia Vampire wakes up and walks into the room where the fairy daughter and her step-brother boyfriend are under the covers. "Hello, love birds! Oh, I see you didn't use any of my toys. Because we're going to use them now!" She knocks out step-brother boyfriend and handcuffs fairy daughter to the bed. This would be super intense if any of these characters mattered!

Scene 25: Eric and Pam realize they've overslept. They worry that the Japanese guys have left, but they find them outside. "Let's go make some money," Capitalist Japanese Texan says, now wearing a cowboy hat.

Scene 26: Sookie, wearing a white dress, runs over to Bill's house. She knocks on his door and tells him she's going to stay with him until the very end. They bang.

Scene 27: Sarah, still at the camp, is talking to herself, continuing to hallucinate for no reason. She sees all of the men she's ever slept with. All of them are telling her that she's going to die tonight. Spoiler alert: She's not going to die tonight. She's going to stay alive because she's the cure, and she must cure the vampires so there's a happy ending.

The Japanese show up in fancy cars. Capitalist Japanese Texan is no longer wearing his cowboy hat.

Scene 28: Back to Sookie and Bill banging. They show Sookie's boobs, but I'm distracted by her ugly teeth and the horrifying black veins all over Bill's body. This is not a pleasant scene.

The end. The show is over. Thank f***ing God.

Want to know what happens? Will the vampires be cured? Will the fairy chick and her step-brother boyfriend be saved? Will Sarah's hallucinations continue to tell her she'll die tonight even though she won't? Will Jason continue staring at Bridget's cleavage? Will the sheriff's fiancee remember her house keys before coming home? Will Capitalist Japanese Texan sell his shares of Starbucks?

Hopefully you'll never find out. I did, unfortunately. And I yelled at my TV while doing so.

LOADING COMMENTS...



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Jerks of the Week - May 18, 2015: Catching Up on Gym Jerks: Two Abominations, Two Creeps and a Monster
Jerks of the Week - May 11, 2015: A Racist, a Woman-Beater and a Horse - the Greatest Sports Day Ever
Jerks of the Week - May 4, 2015: Puppy-Training Classes
Jerks of the Week - April 27, 2015: Gym Jerks - with Pictures!
Jerks of the Week - April 20, 2015: It Follows
Jerks of the Week - April 13, 2015: Bottom Dollar Closes - Part II
Jerks of the Week - April 6, 2015: Bottom Dollar Closes - Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 30, 2015: April Fools and April Truths III
Jerks of the Week - March 23, 2015: The Old Man, the Heroic Man, and the Desperate Man
Jerks of the Week - March 16, 2015: The News: Predators, Mushrooms, the Weather and the Undead
Jerks of the Week - March 9, 2015: Valentine's Day Gifts
Jerks of the Week - March 2, 2015: Disappearing Jerks: the Loser, the Douche, the Hobo and My Food
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 23, 2015: Gym Patrons and Their Mistakes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 16, 2015: Return to Kyoto - The Japanese Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 9, 2015: Jerry Jackson
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 2, 2015: Paranoia, Incest and Near-Death - All at the Gym!
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 26, 2015: Going to the Flyers Game
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 19, 2015: Return to Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 12, 2015: Chris Christie, Clorox, Gay Jokes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 5, 2015: More Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 29, 2014: 2014, Year in Review
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 22, 2014: Jerks of Christmas Shopping, 2014
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 15, 2014: Idiots at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 8, 2014: Septa Train Zombies
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 1, 2014: Lifeguard Training Day
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 24, 2014: Too Many Cooks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 17, 2014: Halloween and Orange Juice
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 10, 2014: Dunkin Donuts
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 3, 2014: Kyoto and Japanese Food
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 27, 2014: Mario Lopez and Lily Adams
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 20, 2014: My Quest for a Lasagna Pan
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 13, 2014: Telling the Truth
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 6, 2014: Birthday Shopping at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 29, 2014: Dinners to Go
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 22, 2014: Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 15, 2014: All Waiters Hate Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 8, 2014: Befriending Those Who Want to Kill Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 1, 2014: Little League World Series, Morning Radio Shows
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 25, 2014: Why True Blood Sucks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 18, 2014: Selfies and Spammers
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 11, 2014: Shopping for Bras, Dominatrix Items and Stolen Goods
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 4, 2014: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2014
Jerks of the Week - July 28, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 3 - Jerks of the Hotel and Ybor
Jerks of the Week - July 21, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 2 - Jerks of Disney World
Jerks of the Week - July 14, 2014: The Tampa Trilogy, 2014: Part 1 - Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 7, 2014: Dumb Kids, an Old Pervert and a Lunatic
Jerks of the Week - June 30, 2014: Girl Meets World, Sushi and Soccer
Jerks of the Week - June 23, 2014: Therapy Pool Abominations
Jerks of the Week - June 16, 2014: Sprint Framily Commercials
Jerks of the Week - June 9, 2014: Jerks of the DMV
Jerks of the Week - June 2, 2014: Five-Year Anniversary: 50 Apologies
Jerks of the Week - May 26, 2014: Night of the Six Stink Eyes
Jerks of the Week - May 19, 2014: Internet Idiots III
Jerks of the Week - May 12, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 2
Jerks of the Week - May 5, 2014: Hate Mail, Part 1
Jerks of the Week - April 28, 2014: People Plotting My Death
Jerks of the Week - April 21, 2014: How I Met My Cell Phone
Jerks of the Week - April 14, 2014: Bad Omens Monday
Jerks of the Week - April 7, 2014: Clothes Shopping
Jerk of the Year - April 1, 2014: How I Met Your Mother Finale
Jerks of the Week - March 31, 2014: April Fools and April Truths II
Jerks of the Week - March 24, 2014: Downtown Business Meeting
Jerks of the Week - March 17, 2014: Jerks of the Old Gym
Jerks of the Week - March 10, 2014: Winter Olympics
Jerks of the Week - March 3, 2014: Valentine's Day Commercials 2014
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 24, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 3: The Great Flood
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 17, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 2: Power Outage
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 10, 2014: Week of Hell, Part 1: Stomach Virus
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 3, 2014: Cooking with Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 27, 2014: Just Wright
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 20, 2014: People Who Steal From Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 13, 2014: Snowed In and Going Insane
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 6, 2014: Christmas Shopping 2013
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 30, 2013: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 23, 2013: Toyotathon Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 16, 2013: My Elliptical - Struggles of a Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 9, 2013: Weird Food, Terrible Music and Rude Service
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 2, 2013: AT&T It's Not Complicated Commercials Part 2
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 25, 2013: Pizza Gluttony
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 18, 2013: The Seven Deadly Jerks at Bravo!
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 11, 2013: Redskins Team Name Controversy
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 4, 2013: Jerk-of-Treaters
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 28, 2013: WalterFootball and the Case of the Kidnapped Granddaughter
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 21, 2013: Jerks of the Mall: Hot Chicks vs. Ugly A**holes
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 14, 2013: Cereal Trilogy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 7, 2013: Urban Education: Getting Pregnant at 13
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 30, 2013: The Philadelphia Writers' Conference
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 23, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 3: Return of Soulless-Eye Lady
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 16, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 2: Confrontation Friday
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 9, 2013: The Best Buy Trilogy, Part 1: Windows 8 and the Geek Squad
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 2, 2013: Jerks of the WalterFootball.com Forum Party
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 26, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 3: Lots of Hot Chicks
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 19, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 2: Eternal Life
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 12, 2013: Jerks of the Jersey Shore 2013, Part 1: The Drowning Fat Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 5, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 4 - The Strange Woman Who Wanted to Give Me Head
Jerks of the Week - July 29, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 3 - The Serial Killer and the Dance-Bang Girl
Jerks of the Week - July 22, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 2 - First Beach Day and Two Nights Out
Jerks of the Week - July 15, 2013: The Tampa Trilogy, Part 1 - Jerks at the Airport
Jerks of the Week - July 8, 2013: Master Zumba Invitation & Female Stalkers
Jerks of the Week - July 1, 2013: Jerks of Election Day - Damsel in Distress
Jerks of the Week - June 24, 2013: Attack of the White Trash Brigade
Jerks of the Week - June 17, 2013: Emmitt Smith Reviews Game of Thrones and Other Shows
Jerks of the Week - June 10, 2013: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - June 3, 2013: The People We Saw at Kenny's
Jerks of the Week - May 27, 2013: Jerks of the May 18 Wedding
Jerks of the Week - May 20, 2013: Internet Idiots II
Jerks of the Week - May 13, 2013: Sunday Shopping
Jerks of the Week - May 6, 2013: Jerks of the Housewarming Party
Jerks of the Week - April 29, 2013: Hot Tub Adventures
Jerks of the Week - April 22, 2013: Jerks of Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - April 15, 2013: Jerks of New Computer Day
Jerks of the Week - April 8, 2013: Jerks of Walnut Grove
Jerks of the Week - April 1, 2013: April Fools and April Truths
Jerks of the Week - March 25, 2013: It's Not Complicated AT&T Commercials
Jerks of the Week - March 18, 2013: My Second Stalker, Jerks of the Old Gym Pool & Locker Room
Jerks of the Week - March 11, 2013: Blizzard of 2013
Jerks of the Week - March 4, 2013: Jerks of Tulane
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 25, 2013: Jerks of New Orleans
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 18, 2013: Jerks of Philadelphia International Airport
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 11, 2013: Jerks of Bowling Night
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 4, 2013: Jerks of Tango: Where They'll Be in 2020
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 28, 2013: One Final Night at Tango
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 21, 2013: Jerks of My Cousin's Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 14, 2013: Jerks of Christmas Week
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 7, 2013: Christmas Shopping
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 31, 2012: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 24, 2012: Christmas Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 17, 2012: Jerks of Black Friday
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 10, 2012: Jerks at Injured Reserve and Man Eaters' Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 3, 2012: Facebook, Taco Bell People, CVS Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 26, 2012: Jerks of My Neighborhood
Jerk of the Year - Nov. 19, 2012: It's Thanksgiving by Nicole Westbrook
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 12, 2012: Blonde Kid, Gay Tea Time James, Lisa Turtle, Howard Eskin
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 5, 2012: Hurricane Sandy
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 29, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football Part II
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 22, 2012: Jerks with Awesome Girl Who Loves Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 15, 2012: Jeans, Clothes Shopping, And1 Shorts
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 8, 2012: Samsung Galaxy S III, Random Phone Pictures
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 1, 2012: Ten Awesome Laws That Must Be Created
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 24, 2012: Visa Credit Card, LaQuisha, The Replacementender
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 17, 2012: Mosquitoes, Vanilla Extract, Klondike Man
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 10, 2012: Cakes & Art, The Drowned Man, The Matchmaking Process
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 3, 2012: Jerks of the Drunken Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 27, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part IV
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 20, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part III
Jerk of the Year - Aug. 13, 2012: The Olympics
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 6, 2012: Jerks of the Vacation
Jerks of the Week - July 30, 2012: Jerks of the Flight - Live Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - July 23, 2012: Jerks of the Bar
Jerks of the Week - July 16, 2012: Drunkest Guy Ever
Jerks of the Week - July 9, 2012: Jerks of Toscana
Jerks of the Week - July 2, 2012: Eggs, The Puker and the Scowler, Deck People
Jerks of the Week - June 25, 2012: Jerks at Prometheus
Jerks of the Week - June 18, 2012: The Eight Grievances of June 8
Jerks of the Week - June 11, 2012: The Four Fat Ladies
Jerks of the Week - May 28, 2012: Jerks of the Six Graduation Parties
Jerks of the Week - May 21, 2012: Jerks of St. Stalin's Day
Jerks of the Week - May 14, 2012: The Adventures of My Beard
Jerks of the Week - May 7, 2012: Internet Idiots (Woody Paige)
Jerks of the Week - April 30, 2012: Jerks of Wawa
Jerks of the Week - April 23, 2012: Old Hag Waitress, Me, Hunger Games Evening
Jerks of the Week - April 16, 2012: Gay Guy Who Wanted to Have Sex with Me
Jerks of the Week - April 9, 2012: Men at the New Pool, Old Ladies at the New Pool, Freezing Pool
Jerks of the Week - April 2, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part II
Jerks of the Week - March 26, 2012: Crappy Commercials Part I
Jerks of the Week - March 19, 2012: Jerks of St. Patrick's Day
Jerks of the Week - March 12, 2012: Shoe Bench Man, Bear's Lover, Tanning Tax Man
Jerks of the Week - March 5, 2012: The Wednesday from Hell
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 27, 2012: Shingles Shenanigan Shemale, Jeremy Lin's Brother, Tango Stalker
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 20, 2012: Valentine's Day Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 13, 2012: High Wawa Man, Turkey Veggie Ranch Hoagie, Salad Dressing Aisle
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 6, 2012: Naughty Teacher, Local Hospital, X-Ray Technician
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 30, 2012: Homeless Carriage Woman, Cookie Thieves, Jerks Around the Bush
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 23, 2012: Tango, Mia, Hollywood
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 16, 2012: Hot Tub Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 9, 2012: Russian Cleavage Pharmacist, Horny Teens, Soap Scuz Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 2, 2012: Jerks of Parx Casino
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 26, 2011: Christmas Jerks of the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 19, 2011: Jerks of the Bar (Maggio's)
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 12, 2011: Lexus December to Remember Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 5, 2011: Moses Man, Senile Man, Saladworks
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 28, 2011: Jerks of the Bowling Alley, Missing Tooth Man, Indian Restaurant
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 21, 2011: Jerks of the Wedding
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 14, 2011: Jerks of the Halloween Party, Penn State Football Scandal
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 7, 2011: Jerks of the New Gym Pool, Thirty Dollar Man, Man from the Future
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 31, 2011: Barbeque Boy, Vegetable Indian, The Hammer's Mom
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 24, 2011: Jerks of Megatron's Mistress Weekend
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 17, 2011: The Sociopath, No Space Man, Three Old Men
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 10, 2011: Drunkest Woman Ever, Russian Rapist, Half-Norwegian, Half-Korean Bisexual Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 3, 2011: Jerks of the Mall, Lifeguards, Spanish Heritage Month
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 26, 2011: Rite-Aid, CVS, Blind Hick
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 19, 2011: Curly Mustache Lady, Owl Girl, Coffee Queen
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 12, 2011: Whiskey Tango, Racist KKK Bikers, Drunkest Woman Ever
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 5, 2011: Watermelon Woman and Meatball Man, Hurricane Irene, Toure
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 29, 2011: Bubble Bobble, The Black Belt of 2020, Smelly Swim Coach
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 22, 2011: Farim, Josseline, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 15, 2011: Birthday Jerks
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 8, 2011: Jerks of the Hotel and Restaurants
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - Aug. 1, 2011: Jerks of the Pool
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 25, 2011: Jerks of the Boardwalk
Jerks of the Jersey Shore - July 18, 2011: Jerks of the Beach
Jerks of the Week - July 11, 2011: Casey Anthony, Saturday at the Pool, The Spelling Bee
Jerks of the Week - July 4, 2011: Worst Movie Ever, Fixing Worst Movie Ever, Comcast
Jerks of the Week - June 27, 2011: Jerks at Dennis' Party, Jerks at Polina's Party, Always Late Man
Jerks of the Week - June 20, 2011: Sea Captain and Land Blubber, Comcast, E-Trade
Jerks of the Week - June 13, 2011: Jamie's Party
Jerks of the Week - June 6, 2011: My Gym, Pool Revolution, Shoe Bench Man
Jerks of the Week - May 30, 2011: Me, Josh, Ping Pong Pupil
Jerks of the Week - May 23, 2011: Rapture, Spaghetti, Slav's Swim Buddies
Jerks of the Week Special - May 23, 2011: Russian Conspiracy
Jerks of the Week - May 16, 2011: Conspiracy Theorists, Crosswalkers, Russian Mechanics
Jerk of the Year - May 9, 2011: Rashard Mendenhall
Jerks of the Week - May 2, 2011: Bottom Dollar Food, Checkup, Osama bin Laden
Jerks of the Week - April 25, 2011: Nerd No. 2, Baseball Robot, People Offended by Slurs, Angry Black Man Update
Jerks of the Week - April 18, 2011: Ces' Party, Angry Black Man, Another Angry Black Man
Jerks of the Week - April 11, 2011: Nerd Kids, Russian Yoda, Lilliput
Jerks of the Week - April 4, 2011: Women's Basketball, Celebrity Man, Facebook Morons
Jerks of the Week - March 28, 2011: Hewlett-Packard, Rebecca Black, Crazy Horse Girl
Jerks of the Week - March 21, 2011: Guess What Kid, Dreams and the Fat Black Man, Dr. Susan Albers
Jerks of the Week - March 14, 2011: Las Margaritas Host, Movie Theater Soda, Inept Comcast Worker
Jerks of the Week - March 7, 2011: White Afro Lady, ABC, BYU
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 28, 2011: Friday Night Out, Saturday at the Gym, Sunday at the Gym
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 21, 2011: Farim, Jessica M. and another Facebook Moron, "Racist" Super Bowl Commercial
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 14, 2011: Valentine's Day and Kay Jewelers Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 7, 2011: Olive Garden, Red Lobster, Farim
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 31, 2011: Jerks at the Mall, State of the Union Address, My Night in the Dark
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 24, 2011: George Washington Lady, Humpty and Dumpty, Angry Hockey Man
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 17, 2011: Arizona Shooter, GameCenter People, Off the Map
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 10, 2011: Penn State Prohibition, Graham Cocker Spanier, Drunken Quotes
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 3, 2011: Hate Mailers, Astoria, Us at Astoria
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 27, 2010: Christmas Lexus Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 20, 2010: The Twelve Jerks of Christmas
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 13, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Sports Bra Chick, 35th Anniversary
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 6, 2010: My 10-Year High School Reunion
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 29, 2010: QB Dog Killer Supporters, Canned Laughter, Fancy Schmancy Downtown Places
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 22, 2010: Sucky Subway, Pill Lady, Change Nazi
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 15, 2010: Swipe Card Woman, Angry Hockey Man, Homeless Clown Woman
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 8, 2010: Political Ads, Candy Thieves, Russian Gypsy Neighbors
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 1, 2010: Donation Girl, Gay Nail Guy, Jerks with Awesome Kelly
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 25, 2010: No Space Man, Fat Crosswalk Lady, Facebook Snobs
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 18, 2010: Toasts, Lilliput, Wawa Pirate Man
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 11, 2010: Catina, Gus the Groundhog, Brett Favre's Wrangler Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 4, 2010: The Longest Game of Beer Pong Ever, Fantasy Football Gangsta, Alcohol Thieves
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 27, 2010: Rite Aid and CVS Jerks, QB Nacho E-mailer, Hyper Girl
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 20, 2010: Little Turds on the Road, Angry Street Crosser, Czechoslovakia March
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 13, 2010: BBall Mad Man, BBall DBag/AHole, Whiskey Tango Marriage
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 6, 2010: Buck-Toothed Kid and His Dad, Brad Childress Blowdryer Man, Not That There's Anything Wrong With That Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 30, 2010: My Bad Dude, Crappy Fantasy Traders, Larry Johnson
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 23, 2010: The Poop Master, Borat Hater, Pepsi Throwback Nightmare
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 16, 2010: Evil Vietnamese Children, Russian Yoda, Fat Ladies in the Pool
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 9, 2010: Emmitt Smith's Hall of Fame Induction Speech, Brett Favre, Shaving Cream Man
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 2, 2010: Comcast, Best Buy, Six Flags
Jerks of the Week - July 26, 2010: Why the Phillies Stink This Year (Jayson Werth), B-Ball D-Bag, Swim Lesson Brats
Jerks of the Week - July 19, 2010: NFLShop.com, Jesse Jackson, Paris
Jerks of the Week - July 12, 2010: LeBron James, OfficeMax, The Best Football Player Ever
Jerk of the Year - July 5, 2010: Twilight (Top 10 Reasons Why Twilight Sucks)
Jerks of the Week - June 28, 2010: Geriatrics at the Gym, Carmen the Customer Service Rep, Samantha the Shift Manager
Jerks of the Week - June 21, 2010: The Laziest Bum, The Laziest Agent, Josh
Jerks of the Week - June 14, 2010: Communist Soccer - World Cup Preview, Overreaction to the Intoxicated Toddler, Quit Facebook Day
Jerks of the Week - June 7, 2010: New Neighbors, ABC, The Near-Perfect Game Aftermath
Jerks of the Week 1-Year Anniversary - May 31, 2010: Live Wedding Retro Blog
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Ending - How It Made Sense
Jerks of the Week - May 24, 2010: Pepsi YouTube Man, Pepsi, No Space Man
Jerks of the Week - Special Edition: Lost Finale
Jerks of the Week - May 17, 2010: West Chester's Athletic Facilities and the Stuck-Up Couple, Crazy Bag Lady, Hot Super Cop, Other Random Graduation Jerks
Jerks of the Week - May 10, 2010: Lost (Why Aaron is the Man In Black - Long Version)
Jerks of the Week - May 3, 2010: Pete Carroll, Matt Millen and ESPN, Michael Silver, Todd McShay, No-Life Spammer
Jerks of the Week - April 26, 2010: Pukemon, NBA Analysts, The Gym Milf's Two Kids
Jerks of the Week - April 19, 2010: People Who Cry Racist, People Who Cry Stereotype, Ben Roethlisberger and His Accuser
Jerks of the Week - April 12, 2010: Music, The Wanderer, Lost Theory: The Flash Sideways
Jerks of the Week - April 5, 2010: TV Shows, B-Ball D-Bag, Hot Ballet Teachers
Jerks of the Week - March 29, 2010: Indian Dog Poop Woman, Two Things About the Health Care Bill, Lost Speculation: Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 22, 2010: Russian Mustache Speedo Man, ESPN.com, Lost Theory: Aaron is the Man In Black
Jerks of the Week - March 15, 2010: Comcast, Phillip and the Fat Flower Lady; Doug Gottlieb and Big Cookie; If I Were President...
Jerks of the Week - March 8, 2010: Women With No Personality, Women Who Don't Sexually Assault Men, Bad Shower Etiquette
Jerks of the Week - March 1, 2010: Ice Skating, Two Fat Black Guys, Jacob (Lost)
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 22, 2010: Snow and Fat Kids, City of Philadelphia, Tiger Woods Sympathizers
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 15, 2010: Winter Olympics, Valentine's Day, More Jewelry Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 8, 2010: VBulletin, Hackers, Heroes
Jerks of the Week - Feb. 1, 2010: Lost (with a Lost Season 6 Preview)
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 25, 2010: PA Wine and Spirits, Punt, Pass and Kick Winners, NFL Play 60 Commercials
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 18, 2010: Cocoa Puffs, Lane Kiffin, Wade Phillips/Nate Kaeding/Me
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 11, 2010: Jewelry Commercials, Specific Jewelry Commercials, Chris Myers
Jerks of the Week - Jan. 4, 2010: Parx Casino, Buck Hotel Bar Patrons, State Liquor Laws and Mississippi
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 28, 2009: Corrine Brown, Strength of Schedule Man, Ed Block
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 21, 2009: Jerks at the Mall
Jerks of the Week - Dec. 14, 2009: University of Kansas, Congress Supporters, Communist Kids and Me
Jerk of the Holidays - Dec. 7, 2009: Tiger Woods
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 30, 2009: Major League Soccer, Bipolar Driver, Goggles Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 23, 2009: Chinese Restaurants, Ces, Elena from India
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 16, 2009: Fat Russian Guy, Chefs, Stuck In Time Man
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 9, 2009: Me (Multi-Colored Face Girl), Downtown Philly, Random Jerks at the WalterFootball.com Halloween Party
Jerks of the Week - Nov. 2, 2009: Community, Urkel Kid, Leaf Man Cock Blocker
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 26, 2009: Oompa Loompa, TV Show DVDs, College Football
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 19, 2009: Having to See Babies, The Rush Limbaugh Controversy, Old Liar/Pervert
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 12, 2009: Restaurants, Gay Portuguese Waiter, Olive Garden
Jerks of the Week - Oct. 5, 2009: Plagiarizers, ESPN & NBC & Google, Philadelphia Cat Torturers
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 28, 2009: People Who Complain About Racism in Cartoons, My Friend and Me, Me
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 21, 2009: Jimmy Carter and Racism Accusers, Dumb Parents, Me (Misguided Discriminator)
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 14, 2009: Terrelle Pryor, PETA, Subway Patrons
Jerks of the Week - Sept. 7, 2009: Forum Spammers, Pretentious Italian Restaurants, Bertucci's Waitresses
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 31, 2009: My Gym, Fat Guys in My Fantasy Football Leauge, Philadelphia
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 24, 2009: I'm Not Your Friend Kid, Konami, Mexicans in West Chester
Jerks of the Year - Aug. 17, 2009: The Philadelphia Eagles
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 10, 2009: Jolly Ranchers, Me (When Ranting About Jolly Ranchers), My Evil Neighbor's Evil Kids
Jerks of the Week - Aug. 3, 2009: ESPN, Brett Favre, NFL Network, Roger Goodell, New York District Attorney Robert Morgentheau
Jerks of the Week - July 27, 2009: Party of Eight, Toxic Hell, Little Caesar
Jerks of the Week - July 20, 2009: Erin Andrews' Voyeur, Allergies, Valley Club Protestors
Jerks of the Week - July 13, 2009: Jacko's Ghost, Women Who Don't List Their Relationship Status on Facebook, My Evil Neighbor's Kid
Jerks of the Week - July 6, 2009: Spammers, Old Pervent in Steam Room, Steve McNair's Killer(s)
Jerks of the Week - June 29, 2009: Google Maps, GPS, Harper's Island Characters
Jerks of the Week - June 22, 2009: Noisy Kids in My Neighborhood, The Philadelphia Public School System, Shannen Doherty
Jerks of the Week - June 15, 2009: NBC's Hockey Coverage, NBA Referees and Robot Jackson, Arhymemaster
Jerks of the Week - June 8, 2009: Mike Brown, David Stern, Indoor Soccer Guys
Jerks of the Week - May 31, 2009: Confusing E-mail Guy, Barbeques, David Stein




NFL Picks - Nov. 23


2018 NFL Mock Draft - Nov. 23


2019 NFL Mock Draft - Oct. 20


Fantasy Football Rankings - Sept. 6


2018 NBA Mock Draft - Aug. 23


NFL Power Rankings - May 5









 





 

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