32. St. Louis Rams (1-15) - Previously: #32 - Keith Null sucked as usual against the 49ers on Sunday and was removed from the game in the fourth quarter. Apparently, he suffered some sort of injury and the doctors checked him out. Here's what the doctors may or may not have said:
Doctor 1: "I've never seen a football player this injured! Keith is worse than Steve Young after his 80th concussion."
Doctor 2: "What do you think is wrong with him?"
Doctor 1: "I don't know. He's just so injured."
Doctor 2: "Is that why he sucks so bad?"
Doctor 1: "Duh. No healthy player could possibly play this poorly. Keith must have torn ACLs in both legs, broken ribs and fractured hands all at the same time. That's the only explanation I can come up for his epic crappiness."
Ryan Leaf from Jail Via Satellite: "Keith, punch 'em both in the jaw and then steal their meds for me! You can do it, my protege!"
31. Detroit Lions (2-14) - Previously: #31 - Is anyone else sick of everyone on ESPN saying, "Har har har, the Rams are now on the clock, which means they will be drafting Ndamukong Suh! Har har har!"
Fail. The Rams have to take Jimmy Clausen. If they go brain dead, pass up on a franchise quarterback and pay No. 1 overall money to a defensive tackle, they won't have a winning season in the next five years. Mark that down right now. If I'm right, I'll say "I told you so." And if I'm wrong, I'll delete all e-mails telling me that I suck. Ha!
I'm actually not kidding about this. The Rams will take Clausen, just like the Lions drafted Matthew Stafford last April. The draft community had the same argument with Detroit selecting Aaron Curry and Jason Smith over Stafford a year ago, and Atlanta picking Glenn Dorsey over Matt Ryan two seasons back. But as most of us have discovered, if a team needs a franchise quarterback and one is available, it will take the quarterback. Unfortunately, ESPN NFL Draft analyst/chronic sun bather Todd McShay hasn't learned a damn thing in the last two years.
So, with that all of this in mind...
Har har har, the Lions will be on the clock once the Rams ink Jimmy Clausen, which means they will be drafting Ndamukong Suh! Har har har!
30. Kansas City Chiefs (4-12) - Previously: #30 - As Jamaal Charles scored his 56-yard touchdown with 6:36 remaining in the fourth quarter, he had 259 rushing yards in the game. I was excited because Charles had a shot at breaking Adrian Peterson's single-game record of 296 yards.
Unfortunately, Todd Haley didn't give Charles a chance, opting to run the ball with Javarris Williams and Mike Cox instead.
At that time, I was confused. "Why did he do this?" I asked myself. Time for oddities!
16:1 - Haley forgot about Charles; he saw a motorcycle rider in the stands and began thinking deeply about Larry Johnson.
8:1 - Haley wanted to save Charles for the team's playoff run; Haley was so befuddled by all the AFC playoff scenarios that he thought his Chiefs still had a chance.
6:1 - Haley was confused because he had never been up by 20 points before in his coaching career. Completely disoriented, he called in random running backs off the bench.
1:250 - Haley is a douche.
29. Seattle Seahawks (5-11) - Previously: #29 - Well, at least they covered the spread.
More Notes from NFL.com GameCenter:
1. "If an nfl player smmokes p o t, he is penalized. The team is not. THINK!"
Perhaps you should take your own advice - THINK!
2. "PATRIOTS SUPERBOWL WINNERS!! THIS SEASON HATERZZ FALLBACK TO YOUR SKULL CRACK"
A typical insult made by a 13-year-old kid from the suburbs.
3. "can anyone help who has downloaded the tinyurl package?? Please!"
How about bigurl package? I guess size matters after all.
28. Washington Redskins (4-12) - Previously: #27 - Am I hearing this right? Daniel Snyder is going to spend a ton of cash on his new head coach? This is great news! Snyder has always been stingy with his money, so maybe now that he's opening up his wallet, the Redskins will actually win a playoff game! It's a great time to be a Skins fan!
27. Buffalo Bills (6-10) - Previously: #26 - If you threw all of your money into the Perry Fewell Oil Company, you're f***ed. Sorry.
An e-mail from Bills fan Mark K.:
To give you a better gauge as to how bad the Bills are here are some non-football analytics:
1 I paid $9.00 for a $30 ticket to see the Patriots. We asked the people why they were so cheap and they answered that the Bills suck. It has been 20 years since I have paid that little for a professional sporting event, and even then it was indoor soccer.
2 There was no hostility left in the fans anymore. I could barley muster the energy to mock the New England fan who brought a box of NFL tissues to the game and had way to much hair gel.
3 The parking lot was not knee deep in broken beer bottles and I did not see any one set fire to the couch they brought to the tail gate party. Every one knows it is easier to set it ablaze than try to get it back in the truck.
They do not deserve to be ranked 23rd in the power rankings, save that for actual football teams.
26. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (3-13) - Previously: #25 - I have nothing illuminating to say about the Buccaneers other than the fact that Josh Freeman once again cost me multiple units. Screw you, Josh. Screw you.
A hilarious report from Rotoworld:
Sources tell Mike Lombardi of the National Football Post that Jack Del Rio is in danger of losing his job in Jacksonville. Jaguars owner Wayne Weaver is reportedly "is not happy with how (Del Rio) treats people, his work ethic, his involvement in the community and the direction of the franchise." Those are pretty damning words if true.
How does a coach have a poor work ethic? Doesn't a coach have to instill a good work ethic in his players? How do you allow a lazy guy to coach your team? Did Del Rio not show up to some practices an opt to go surfing instead?
If Del Rio isn't fired, the good news is that Tim Tebow might be able to teach his head coach a thing or two about work ethic.
25. Jacksonville Jaguars (7-9) - Previously: #22 - I conducted an interview with Jack Del Rio in the wake of those aforementioned rumors. Here it is:
ME: Hey guys, thanks for joining me.
DEL RIO: "No problem, Seth. Glad to be here."
ME: Seth? My name isn't Seth.
DEL RIO: "Oh, sorry Bob."
ME: I'm not Bob either.
DEL RIO: "What interview is this again?"
ME: It's for WalterFootball.com's NFL Power Rankings page...
DEL RIO: "Oh... sorry, I didn't really come prepared."
ME: It's all right, I just wanted to ask you a few questions, if that's all right with you.
DEL RIO: "Ah man. Can't we do this later? I want to play some video games right now."
ME: Video games?
DEL RIO: "Maybe I'll catch some rays outside beforehand and then order a pizza."
ME: You're going to cancel our interview because you want to lay out in the sun, eat pizza and play video games?
DEL RIO: "Yawn... Ah man, I'm actually too tired to do all that. I'm going to take a nap. Catch you later."
ME: I am now shocked that your team seldom shows up and rarely plays hard.
24. Oakland Raiders (5-11) - Previously: #28 - I'm with Tom Cable in thinking that the Raiders would have maintained a winning record if they weren't forced to start JaMarcus Russell for the first half of the year. They're actually not that bad of a team if their quarterback isn't committing five turnovers each game.
By the way, I am not with Cable in thinking that punching hookers is OK. Just saying.
23. New York Giants (8-8) - Previously: #17 - The Giants put forth no effort the past two weeks, so they belong in the Bottom 10. I really can't believe that they mailed in that Vikings game.
So, why didn't they show up? Time for a bonus oddities!
1:7 - The Giants wanted to lose on purpose; a Minnesota win meant that tons of Viking fans would be able to send me hate mail.
EVEN - Brett Favre told the Giants that he was thinking about retiring before their game. New York simply didn't prepare enough because they thought they'd be going up against Tarvaris Jackson.
4:1 - The entire Giants team was five minutes late to a meeting last Monday, so as punishment, Tom Coughlin took away all of their food and water the entire week. The players were simply malnourished and didn't have enough energy.
10:1 - Plaxico Burress escaped from jail and shot everyone in the foot a few hours before kickoff.
2009 NFL Power Rankings: The Rest:
11. Cincinnati Bengals (10-6). Previously: #9
12. Pittsburgh Steelers (9-7). Previously: #12
13. New York Jets (9-7). Previously: #20
14. Carolina Panthers (8-8). Previously: #13
15. Houston Texans (9-7). Previously: #14
16. Tennessee Titans (8-8). Previously: #15
17. Atlanta Falcons (9-7). Previously: #18
18. Miami Dolphins (7-9). Previously: #19
19. Denver Broncos (8-8). Previously: #16
20. San Francisco 49ers (8-8). Previously: #21
21. Chicago Bears (7-9). Previously: #23
22. Cleveland Browns (5-11). Previously: #24