Denver Broncos (5-0) - Previously: #1 - I wrote it on my NFL Picks page, and I'll write it here again: Vegas needs to start treating the Broncos like the 2007 Patriots. They need to be favored by at least 20 at home and 14 on the road versus teams that are average or worse. Why were they just -10 over the defensively incapable Eagles? It makes no sense.
Well, what do you know? The Broncos ARE the 2007 Patriots. Their offense is unstoppable, but their defense completely blows...
...For now. I'd actually move the Broncos down in my power rankings if I wasn't aware that Von Miller and Champ Bailey will be returning soon.
Anyway, we know the Broncos will beat the Jaguars this weekend. They opened as 28-point favorites after all. Jacksonville has some sand in its vag as a result, per this Twitter exchange:
Seattle Seahawks (4-1) - Previously: #2 - The Seahawks are still No. 2 despite their first loss of the season. There's no shame in losing to a very talented (and underrated) team on the road, especially in an early start time.
Roger Goodell must really hate the Seahawks to schedule all of these difficult 1 p.m. games for them. I can see him sitting in his evil lair during the spring and laughing, "I screwed them out of a Super Bowl win by offering the official a free pepperoni pizza and an autographed picture of myself, and now I will derail their upcoming season by making them play five times at 1 o'clock, MUHAHAHAHA!"
Goodell is a douche.
San Francisco 49ers (3-2) - Previously: #3 - Last week: Thank you, stupid ESPN and other media corporations, for brainwashing the public into thinking the 49ers weren't that good after their Week 3 loss so that I could make money on them this past Thursday. I really appreciate it. You guys are great.
This week: Thank you, stupid ESPN and other media corporations, for brainwashing the public into thinking the 49ers weren't that good after their Week 3 loss so that I could make money on them this past Sunday night. I really appreciate it. You guys are great.
The 49ers were awesome versus Houston... almost as if they were, I don't know, the No. 3 team in the NFL. Let's look at more people who sent me hate mail for ranking San Francisco too highly:
You say we're dumb, but you feel confirmed once the 49ers beat a team that YOU say is the 4th worst in the NFL. Way to go. The Knicks beat the Raptors all the time, so the Knicks must be the best in the NBA, right? You are hypocritically ignorant. You ignore things you say to give weight to other things, in order for you to feel superior to people who don't have a website. Oh boy, you paid for a domain, so you must be a god in the football world.
Do you realize that most of the time the 'hate mail' you post makes more sense than the garbage you write? Just adding 'derp' before or after a sentence is what Carlos Mencea does. Though I wouldn't be surprised if he had better analysis than you.
Derp dee derp.
And Carlos Mencia is a great American man. Stop hating.
I think these rankings are joke. You are what your record says you are- like Parcells used to say. The problem with these rankings is the author always puts emotion into their listings. That is why a 1-2 record team is ranked higher than 3-0 teams. The more emotional you are with your listings, the more stubborn you are to admit you were wrong about a team.
Derp dee derpety derp dee derp.
Your site sucks. LMAO, a team was just DESTROYED two weeks in a row, is in complete disarray, has their best D player out for possibly weeks, have no WR's, and you have them ranked #3 in the entire NFL? That tells me all I need to know. You guys are seriously idiots. Way to rank a ONE AND TWO team in the 49ers as #3 in the NFL. Seriously, you guys are a JOKE. And to think I once thought this was a reputable site. Wow are you guys stupid. Absolutely LAUGHABLE.
Da derp dee derp da teetley derpee derpee dumb.
OK fine, I re-used the final two comments because I only had two responses to San Francisco being No. 3 this week. But the point remains, if you'd like power rankings based on teams' records, check out nfl.com/standings.
New Orleans Saints (5-0) - Previously: #4 - The Saints just had a very impressive win over the Bears. Wait... was it that impressive? I think we've all been guilty of overrating Chicago this whole time. Let's break it down...
Week 1: Got lucky with a second-half surge to beat the Bengals at home.
Week 2: Barely beat the crappy Vikings at home.
Week 3: Slaughtered the Steelers, but they're crap.
Week 4: Blown out at Detroit.
Week 5: Essentially blown out at home versus New Orleans.
The Bears have been a fraud this whole time. Having said that, I don't want to take everything away from the Saints' victory at Soldier Field. I've picked New Orleans every single week this season, so I'm fully aware of how good the team is. However, I'm just not ready to vault them over the 49ers or Seahawks - especially given this graphic:
One point in the second quarter? That's pathetic.
New England Patriots (4-1) - Previously: #5 - Here's what the TV analysts said about the Patriots last week:
TOM BRADY IS LIKE SO AWESOME YOU GUYS AND HE'S GETTING LIKE SO MUCH BETTER WITH HIS RECEIVERS LIKE OMG
After one loss to Cincinnati amid the pouring rain:
THE PATRIOTS ARE THE WORSTEST TEAM IN THE NFL TOM BRADY SUCKS LIKE OMG AND THE PATRIOTS ARE TERRIIBBBLLLEEE
Relax, former players. New England is still a top-six team.
Indianapolis Colts (4-1) - Previously: #15 - I'll tell you when I'm wrong. I've done a completely terrible job of evaluating the Colts. They're a damn good football team. I've been too fixated on their near-loss to the Raiders in the opener, but as we've seen, Oakland is not that bad.
The Colts have slaughtered the 49ers and beaten the Seahawks, and their only loss was to a sound Miami squad prior to the Trent Richardson trade. I still have concerns about their offensive line, but they are a legitimate Super Bowl contender.
Green Bay Packers (2-2) - Previously: #6 - Why don't people listen to me? What I posted last week:
Here's another team that the public is underrating because they are brainwashed. The Packers are literally two plays away from being 3-0. But hey, don't take my word for it. There's a reason they're seven-point favorites over the 3-1 Lions this week. The sportsbooks are usually way ahead of most people, so I'd trust their judgment.
"The Packers are literally two plays away from being 3-0. " And the Vikings are literally two plays away from being 3-1. Doesn't mean they don't still suck.
Hmm... maybe because the Packers have Aaron freaking Rodgers and a host of talented weapons, I don't know.
I think it's really amazing that ESPN has trained the public to completely ignore talent and concentrate solely on records and what occurred the previous week. But hey, I'm not complaining because it sets up fantastic betting situations for us.
UPDATE: I slotted the Packers No. 5 on Monday night, but I've dropped them to No. 7 in the wake of the news that Clay Matthews could be out for the year.
Kansas City Chiefs (5-0) - Previously: #7 - Alex Smith was pretty terrible in that Tennessee game. How do you overthrow a running back three yards in front of you? I just don't see how that can happen.
Andy Reid is doing a great job elsewhere though. Speaking of Reid, FootballFanSpot.com's Steven L. posted this on my Facebook wall:
Baltimore Ravens (3-2) - Previously: #11 - I had to bump the Falcons out of the top 10 after that horrific loss. Go to my NFL Game Recaps page for analysis of the Falcons-Jets game.
Detroit Lions (3-2) - Previously: #8 - I'm not going to penalize the Lions for losing to a top-five team on the road without their best player.
32. Jacksonville Jaguars (0-5) - Previously: #32 - Facebook friend Jay B. posted the following on my wall:
Best comment of all time, courtesy of Neil Reynolds from NFLUK. He actually said this during the broadcast of the Ravens-Dolphins game. They cut in to Blaine Gabbert's pick-six and he said, "This is what it would look like if a fan won a contest to be a quarterback in the NFL."
Hilarious. Or perhaps it looks like a quarterback who closes his eyes when he throws the ball...
Hey, I have no issue berating the Jaguars at every opportunity. If they were serious about winning some games, they would've signed Tim Tebow or Pat White, both of whom are a thousand times better than Gabbert and Chad Henne. But the Jags are "tanking for Teddy," so I guess that's OK.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-4) - Previously: #31 - Good news, Bucs fans. You were able to acquire an upgrade at the quarterback position during your bye. Don't believe me? Check out NFL.com's Gamecenter if you don't believe me (thanks, TDAP):
Palmer played like he was drunk on Sunday, but even an intoxicated Palmer is a billion times better than this guy:
30. Buffalo Bills (2-3) - Previously: #23 - I'm dropping the Bills to No. 30 because E.J. Manuel will be out for at least six weeks and may not be effective when he returns. Jeff Tuel stepped in and was so horrendous that Buffalo is opting to start someone named Thaddeus Lewis this weekend.
To illustrate how awful Tuel was, forum member HappyDays had this to say: "Jeff Tuel is my least favorite Bills player of all time. What a whiny little p***y dip****. Spoiled rich white Duke ******."
Tuel was pretty bad. He spent the entire time crying and complaining to the coaching staff and officials. It seemed like he was some rich, trust-fund kid who was told he couldn't have a Rolls-Royce for his 16th birthday.
29. St. Louis Rams (2-3) - Previously: #29 - Beating Jacksonville is like banging the fat chick at the bar. Yes, you can notch it on your record, but you're not exactly going to brag about it.
28. New York Giants (0-5) - Previously: #28 - I'm all about going against the popular, uninformed opinion. Here's another instance: I think the Giants may have beaten the Eagles had David Wilson not gotten injured. They were moving the ball well until Wilson got hurt. When he went out with a neck injury, their offensive game plan was ruined. I had no action on either side, so that's one of two things I took out of the Philadelphia-New York matchup.
The second? It's a miracle the Eagles won despite facing situations like this:
Of course, Chip Kelly's offense is so good that they can turn a poor situation into this seconds later:
27. Pittsburgh Steelers (0-4) - Previously: #27 - The Steelers had a bye, so I'd like to take this opportunity to address what someone wrote in the comment board below:
I still miss the Derek Anderson's Magical Flask!! some of those teams in the Bottom 10, have QB's that drink from that flask quite a bit...
I am one to listen to readers, so...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Cam Newton and Carson Palmer were chatting prior to their matchup...
Cam Newton: You, sir, were a role model to me when I was growing up.
Carson Palmer: Ah, thank you, good chap, but you may not have any of the $80 million I have hidden in my Swiss bank accounts.
Cam Newton: That's quite all right, dear friend, for I have received many gold from Auburn boosters when I played for University.
Carson Palmer: Well met, well met. Hey, who is that drunkard who is hastily approaching us?
Cam Newton: That gentleman happens to be my teammate, Mr. Anderson.
Carson Palmer: The papssswoorrdd foorr my Swiisiss bakkkk counntss hic issss "coolstorybro" havvveee allll mooneneeyy yeewww wannntt!!
26. Cleveland Browns (3-2) - Previously: #21 - Placing the Browns back into the bottom 10 depresses me, but Brian Hoyer is out for the year and Brandon Weeden sucks. Johnny Football awaits. Check out my 2014 NFL Mock Draft for more.
The silver lining for Cleveland being back down here is that I can post another Gong rant:
Whole front office will be fired after next year, so who cares?
I mean it. Its not like it matters. Talent won't come here, cuz a cesspool, and ugly women. We refuse to draft talent, cuz troll Cleveland is all the rage, and when we do, we just get rid of them, cuz why have any playmakers on a team ever.
**** the Browns. **** the whole city of cleveland for being a stupid useless **** city, **** the Colts for outwitting the dumb loser Browns, **** the division teams for finally being crappy, and us giving them two free wins, cuz why not sharing is caring, and **** the NFL for allowing the Browns to ever come back in 1999 to just troll us every year since.
25. Washington Redskins (1-3) - Previously: #26 - I'd be scared to play the Redskins down the stretch. Not only will Robert Griffin get better, but Pierre Garcon just suddenly became very dangerous (thanks, CKane):
24. Philadelphia Eagles (2-3) - Previously: #25 - Someone posted this below:
I love the Chip Kelly Hate. Its delish. Since Walt cant find his a** with both hands, I can assume Chipper will be a top flight NFL coach for many seasons.
What does this even mean? I can indeed find my a** with both of my hands. I'm holding my a** with both hands right now - while typing. It's very impressive, I know.
23. Minnesota Vikings (1-3) - Previously: #22 - The Vikings were on a bye, so it's time for the Adventures of Stupid Vince and Senile Bud! In this week's episode...
Bud Adams: Man servant, I need your assistance, now!
Vince Young: What is it, Mr. Buds?
Bud Adams: There was a homeless person playing quarterback for my team yesterday! He was chubby and had an unkempt beard. I want him removed immediately!
Vince Young: Derrr, I tink guy is quarterback who play for Buffaloes before. His name Fitzgerald I tink ha.
Bud Adams: Ah, a graduate from the University of Colorado? That town has too many hick liberals.
Vince Young: Derrr, liberal is the store that have book inside I tink.
Bud Adams: That's library, man servant. Library. Anyway, you say his name is Fitzgerald. Does he have any relation to Larry Fitzgerald?
Vince Young: Derrr, they have difference color skins but like King Martin Luther once say, do not judge a color on man skin.
Bud Adams: King Martin Luther? Sounds like a wealthy man. Set up a business meeting with him so I can sell him some of my oil.
Vince Young: Derrr, I tink King Martin Luther die in fire like five year ago ha.
Bud Adams: Weh? Fire? Where? Quick, man servant, call the fire department!
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NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Cincinnati Bengals (3-2). Previously: #12
12. Miami Dolphins (3-2). Previously: #10
13. Dallas Cowboys (2-3). Previously: #14
14. Chicago Bears (3-2). Previously: #13
15. Houston Texans (2-3). Previously: #16
16. New York Jets (3-2). Previously: #24
17. San Diego Chargers (2-3). Previously: #17
18. Atlanta Falcons (1-4). Previously: #9
19. Carolina Panthers (1-3). Previously: #18
20. Arizona Cardinals (3-2). Previously: #19
21. Oakland Raiders (2-3). Previously: #30
22. Tennessee Titans (3-2). Previously: #20
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: