Seattle Seahawks (11-2) - Previously: #1 - I received an e-mail Sunday night going, "Looks like your No. 1 Seahawks lost... not so No. 1, are they?" Well, considering that I picked the 49ers to not only win, but to cover the 2.5-point spread, I'd say Seattle overachieved by not losing by more than 2.5 points.
Speaking of that, the 49ers would have covered if Pete Carroll wasn't a complete idiot at the end of the game. San Francisco had a first-and-goal at the 7-yard line with 2:39 remaining. The Seahawks possessed no timeouts, so the 49ers were able to bleed the clock down to 31 seconds and kick a chip-shot field goal. Given that the conversionwas pretty much automatic, Seattle should have just let the 49ers score a touchdown right away. The team would've been down by 22-17 or 24-17, depending on the two-point conversion, but Russell Wilson would've at least had more than two minutes to work with. Instead, Wilson had to fire a ball up for grabs with just 21 seconds on the clock.
Denver Broncos (11-2) - Previously: #2 - "Oh, I guess Peyton Manning can play in freezing temperatures, hurrr durrr." - Everyone single NFL analyst on TV Sunday night. Yeah, way to beat a pedestrian Tennessee team playing its third-consecutive road game. That really proved that Manning will be able to win a game in frigid conditions against top competition.
By the way, is there more of a whiny douche on TV than Phil Simms right now? When Simms wasn't having a conversation with himself or saying stuff like, "Ooohhh I guessss eeeeverryoonnee waaas wrooong about Peeeeyton Maaaning in the coooold!" he was going on sandy-vag rants. For instance, Jim Nantz brought up the fact that people were coming up with names for Knowshon Moreno's tears last week. In fact, I had this to say:
I'm getting the feeling that Moreno is mentally insane. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he kidnapped people and chained them in his basement so he could make them watch highlights of himself from his Georgia days. Denver authorities: If there are missing people in the area, please check Knowshon's basement.
This outraged Simms, who growled, "Why is that funny? I don't see what's funny about that! The man got caught into the emotions of the moment!"
Jeez, calm down, Phil. We all know you have no personality or any semblance of a sense of humor, but you don't have to go spray the sand emanating from your vag all over your viewers.
New Orleans Saints (10-3) - Previously: #5 - The Saints didn't really prove much by winning at home, though I suppose that's not the case for some analysts on TV, who thought the Panthers would actually rattle Drew Brees in the Superdome. Derp dee derp.
We'll see how New Orleans in Carolina in two weeks. I should note that I hate that all of these divisional clashes are a couple of weeks apart. It never used to be this way. There have been seven such matchups in the past two years: In 2012, it was the Ravens-Steelers, Vikings-Bears and Colts-Texans. This year, the Chiefs-Broncos, Colts-Titans, Jaguars-Texans and Panthers-Saints collided like this. Prior to 2012, this hadn't happened since 2003, and before that, this phenomenon didn't occur since 2000! Why is Roger Goodell trying to ruin football?
Carolina Panthers (9-4) - Previously: #4 - If you missed it, during the Sunday Night Football player introductions, Greg Hardy announced that he attended Hogwarts. I was hoping Al Michaels or Cris Collinsworth would comment on it, but both of them let it go.
Well, I found myself wondering about Hardy's alma mater. I had no idea Hogwarts fielded a football team, but J.K. Rowling is an a**hole, so she probably left those parts out of her book on purpose. Besides, Harry and Ron don't seem like they'd be good at football anyway. I imagine Fred and George were receivers, Crabbe was a nose tackle, and Goyle was a linebacker who dished out illegal helmet-to-helmet hits.
I'm looking at the Harry Potter Wiki, and this Blaise Zabini character seems athletic enough to be the dual-threat quarterback. What, you think I said that just because he's black? How utterly racist of you! I was looking at the fact that he had six stepfathers.
San Francisco 49ers (9-4) - Previously: #6 - I still can't believe I got a ton of flak for putting the 49ers in my top five back when they were 1-2. I'm not saying this to make myself look good - OK, maybe it's one reason - but I'm hoping that I can convince at least one person to stop following the ESPN herd mentality of simply looking at records. I discussed this in my college football notes page last week when I argued Ohio State shouldn't have been ranked No. 2 because it was obvious to all keen observers that the Buckeyes weren't as good as their unblemished record indicated. That was the opposite of what happened to the 49ers. They were 1-2, but they were much better than that.
New England Patriots (10-3) - Previously: #3 - The Patriots drop down because of the Rob Gronkowski injury. Also, nearly losing to the Browns and Texans in consecutive weeks isn't a good sign. New Engand was able to come back, but that won't be possible against better competition.
Kansas City Chiefs (10-3) - Previously: #8 - I think a handful of college teams would've beaten the Redskins this past Sunday, given the absurd lack of effort Washington displayed. What a joke.
I've been using this spot for my power rankings hate mail, so I might as well keep it that way...
The Bengals beat the Lions easily in Detroit,and you have them 7 and the Bengals 11? You're stupid!
"Easily?" The Bengals needed a shanked punt and a last-second field goal to win. Yeah, sounds easy to me.
This, by the way, is another dumb ESPN-type mentality. Just because Team A beat Team B doesn't mean Team A is better than Team B. The Jets beat the Saints, so I suppose New York should be above New Orleans.
Wow Walter, Bengals ranked under the Ravens? The team they have a 2 game lead over? I refuse to believe that you are really that ignorant.
But the Ravens beat the Bengals, so they're better than the Bengals, derp dee derp.
Walter: "idjwioejdiewjfiewjfioewjfiweojfiewjfiewjfiewjfiejfijifejijfijfiejfiejifejjfeijfeijf im reeeeeeetarded!"
And here you are, making fun of a mentally challenged person. Your parents surely raised you better than that.
Walter had Geno Smith going 1st. Remember that. He also thought Luke Joekel was a bad pick.
Luke Joeckel was a bad pick. He played like crap until he suffered a season-ending injury. Plus, the general manager took Joeckel because he used metrics to determine that Blaine Gabbert would be better with superior right tackle play. How'd that turn out?
Yeah Walter, Jacksonville, Minnesota, and Houston tanking the season sounds like the right thing to do. Never mind the fact that the coaches will try to save their own jobs & any players with an expiring contract/eventual cap-saving cut will try to draw attention from other teams when they hit free agency. The guys in those cities will be playing for a ticket out of town because they actually give a damn about their professions unlike you.
Well, the Texans fired their head coach because he wanted Matt Schaub to start so he could win games. They'll land Teddy Bridgewater and make the playoffs before the Jaguars or Vikings will even have a chance. Oh, but they tanked the final half of the 2013 season, so I guess they made the wrong move!
Seriously? Mistake prone Detroit who lost to mediocre Pittsburgh and awful Tampa Bay over Kansas City? You really hate Kansas City don't you? They played an unstoppable offense in 2 of their past 3 games and lost both pass rushers in the other game in the same game. Maybe that has to do with their defensive struggles. Also nice for you to overrate Atlanta and Houston. Washington and Cleveland the 2 worst teams? Give me a break
Yes, I really hate Kansas City. Being born and raised in Philly, I had a natural disdain for the Chiefs. Sorry about that. Oh, and do you still believe the Redskins aren't one of the two worst teams?
Philadelphia Eagles (8-5) - Previously: #12 - I have to discuss a conspiracy theory my dad told me about. It goes like this:
"If the Eagles keep winning, the offensive line will let Nick Foles get injured at the end of the second-to-last game so Michael Vick can start the last game of the season and win the division, so he can look like a hero because they like Michael Vick more than Nick Foles."
I had a one-word answer for this: "Huh!?"
He then replied, "Put it on your Web site. It'll happen, and when it does, I want everyone to know that I was right."
Well, here it is. I guess we'll see what happens.
Cincinnati Bengals (9-4) - Previously: #11 - I dropped the Bengals earlier because I didn't think their defense would be able to hold up with all of its injuries. But that apparently has not been the case.
One thing I want to note: Prior to the NFL Red Zone kicking off, the NFL Network fantasy analysts offer their bold predictions. The tall black guy came up with this: "A.J. Green will score more fantasy points than any receiver this week!"
Wow, way to go out on a limb there, bub. I thought these were supposed to be bold predictions. A bold prediction would be: "A.J. Green will score the most fantasy points this week while breaking the single-game receiving record," or "A.J. Green will not score any fantasy points this week because he'll be abducted by aliens prior to kickoff."
Detroit Lions (7-6) - Previously: #7 - I don't think there's much to take away from that crazy loss in the snow. Well, maybe one thing: Why the hell does Detroit not play in an outdoor stadium? The players would've been able to adjust to those weather-related issues if they were used to the conditions. Instead, the Lions will have no chance if they eventually have to go up to Seattle.
NFL Power Rankings: Week 14 - Bottom 10
32. Washington Redskins (3-10) - Previously: #32 - Not only do the Redskins completely suck, but they're putting no effort into their games. They're a complete train wreck, and Mike Shanahan looks like he's about to lose his mind. Shanahan should just effectively flip Daniel Snyder the bird and start Kirk Cousins for the rest of the season. Robert Griffin shouldn't have been playing to start the season anyway. That "All in for Week 1" campaign was so incredibly stupid, and I thought it was at the time as well, so this is not hindsight. You don't rush back from serious knee injuries unless you're a freak of nature like Adrian Peterson.
31. Houston Texans (2-11) - Previously: #29 - I can only imagine the conversation between Bob McNair and Gary Kubiak before the coach was axed...
Bob McNair: Kubiak, what the f*** are you doing!? We need Case Keenum to play so we can lose and get Bridgewater!
Gary Kubiak: But Mr. McNair, I want to win. Like Herm said, you play to win the game.
Bob McNair: Herm's a f***ing idiot. He got fired from two jobs. You play to win the Super Bowl, and we're not getting to the Super Bowl with these f***er quarterbacks!
Gary Kubiak: But we can win with Schaub! I'm going with Schaub!
Bob McNair: That's it! You're fired!
Gary Kubiak: No! Please don't fire me! Wait, I think I'm having a stroke again! You can't fire me if I'm having a stroke!
Bob McNair: F*** you, Kubiak! You tried that once before, but you're not fooling me again. Go clean out your office!
30. Buffalo Bills (4-9) - Previously: #24 - There's only one true candidate this week for...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
E.J. Manuel is out and about in Ybor the night before his game against the Buccaneers. He encounters Derek Anderson right outside of Coyote Ugly.
E.J. Manuel: Waaaahhtt yewww dooiiinnn hheeree I allrlraassxx dddruuunkkkksssssdd hiciccc!
Derek Anderson: Whooooaaaa mmanann yeewrrr mmoree drunnkerr thann mee hic!
E.J. Manuel: I jujuusstt pplalaaayyy gammeeee in Canandsaaa annnd alll l wommmeenn thhweere havwveee muussattaachcheess andnndd arrrmss piiictt haiir hiiicc! I suooooo happpypy beeee baaakkcc innnnns Aammmerriciciaaa iofoff Unnitessssed Staaastreess.
Derek Anderson: Whoa, did you just say Canadian women have mustaches and arm-pit hair? WTF man, why'd you have to say that? That sobered me up like hell.
E.J. Manuel: Ugh. Me too. I still shudder thinking about it. Why does our greedy owner have to schedule games in Canada? No one shows up to those games except... except for those women... with the mustaches... and arm-pit... h... BLEGH!
Derek Anderson: I'm gonna puke too, BLEGH!
Manuel and Anderson spend the rest of the night drinking away their sorrows.
29. Minnesota Vikings (3-9-1) - Previously: #28 - The Adrian Peterson injury is the best possible thing that could've happened to the Vikings, save for a Houston victory on Thursday night. Peterson being out will help Minnesota lose games and secure a better draft pick, and his injury isn't serious enough to affect his offseason preparation.
Oh, and make sure you pick up Toby Gerhart. My apologies if anyone died today because I realize the Sand in the Vag Mafia might still be mad at me.
28. Oakland Raiders (4-9) - Previously: #27 - I have nothing interesting to say about the Raiders, so this is a good time for more Andy Reid memes!
Last week, I posted a look-alike picture:
This week, here's the animated version of the Chiefs' coach:
27. Cleveland Browns (4-9) - Previously: #31 - This week's Gong rant:
Browns suck. They broke Haden.
He gave an interview after Jacksonville that was pure broken player. The losing broke him. crying on camera and everything. Browns took down another player. Expect a regression from Haden or a trade demand coming soon.
Gordon has been electric. I fully expect something stupid from him or the browns with respect to him.
26. Jacksonville Jaguars (4-9) - Previously: #30 - How stoked do you think Teddy Bridgewater was during last week's Texans-Jaguars game? He must have been rooting for Jacksonville to avoid going to that dump. Unlike the Jaguars, the Texans actually have a solid supporting cast. If Bridgewater is at least decent, Houston will be able to challenge for a playoff spot right away.
25. New York Jets (5-7) - Previously: #26 - The following post on my Facebook wall is appropriate:
The Jets going from Mark Sanchez to Geno Smith is like sticking your head in the toilet to throw up immediately after filling the bowl with diarrhea.
24. St. Louis Rams (5-8) - Previously: #22 - What will the Rams do now that the next Barry Sanders is injured? If you don't know what I'm talking about, this glue-sniffing hate-mailer said the following in the comment boards:
I've visited this site consistently for the last month. I've everything he has to say. And I am convinced this guy knows nothing about football. He bashes players and teams based solely on if he is a fan or not. How can he say Tavon Austin (a player deemed most explosive in the draft and has even been compared to Barry Sanders) has scored four fluky touchdowns over the span of two games. Maybe me and Webster have different understandings of what fluke means. But last I checked no one scores four flukes on 13 touches. Also how can he support Kaep and ignore the fact that he has in reached 200 passing yards 3 times. His accuracy is scattershot and he can only their bullets. Zero touch when touch is needed. But then not mention Drew Brees tearing it up this year. In fact he said Brees would get "rattled." I don't think I have ever seen Brees "rattled"? Walter to me is nothing more than a band wagon rider who is too stubborn to admit when he is wrong so when a team/player turns out to be better than initially thought or worse than he tries to stick With his guns. I would like know what makes him the football guru. Has he ever even played? Has he ever even coached? What's his background? Because I believe he is merely a sports FAN who was lucky enough to get a site to voice his opinion. I will not be returning to this site ever again And will advise against it to everyone I encounter. This is a joke. PS Yes I have a strong football background. I played and 3 of 4 years in college. Went undrafted but still signed undrafted. Played for two seasons suiting up for 7 games. After a torn ACL played my next 3 yrs of football in Europe. I think I am a little qualified to say this guy does not view games with a coaches eye.
Anyone want to do some research and figure out which player this could possibly be? Look for ESPN to hire him because of his "Tavon Austin is the next Barry Sanders" comment. That's smarter than what half of the analysts say on that network.
23. Atlanta Falcons (3-10) - Previously: #25 - I have nothing mean to say about the Falcons because they've been playing well, so here's my NFL Game Recaps page for analysis of the Cowboys-Bears game.
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Arizona Cardinals (8-5). Previously: #9
12. Baltimore Ravens (7-6). Previously: #10
13. Miami Dolphins (7-6). Previously: #18
14. Chicago Bears (7-6). Previously: #20
15. San Diego Chargers (6-7). Previously: #15
16. Dallas Cowboys (7-6). Previously: #13
17. Indianapolis Colts (8-5). Previously: #14
18. Green Bay Packers (6-6-1). Previously: #17
19. Pittsburgh Steelers (5-8). Previously: #16
20. Tennessee Titans (5-8). Previously: #21
21. New York Giants (5-8). Previously: #19
22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-9). Previously: #23
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: