Seattle Seahawks (14-3) - Previously: #1 - All I'm hearing is "Seattle's offense isn't any good right now" or "Russell Wilson will have to play better to beat the 49ers." The Saints had the ninth-best pass defense and the fourth-most sacks in the NFL heading into the weekend, so it's not exactly a surprise that the Seahawks were limited to 23 points. They'll be fine. They're still the best team in the league.
San Francisco 49ers (14-4) - Previously: #3 - Not only did Jim Harbaugh pay Ric Flair to motivate his team; he also handed the officials a wad of cash before the game. That was just unbelievable. The only way that contest could've been more blatantly fixed would've been if Clete Blakeman randomly showed up, wiped out Carolina's sole touchdown and offered absolutely no explanation for it.
I wish I could pay some officials to make things easier for me. I don't play football, but they could come in handy in other facets of life. For example:
After getting pulled over for going 80 in a 55:
Cop: License and registration, please. Whoa, where'd this yellow flag come from?
Carl Cheffers: The ruling on the field is that the driver did not go over the speed limit.
Cop: But I clearly had him at 80 on the radar gun.
Carl Cheffers: The ruling on the field is that the driver was going 45 mph. There will be no speeding ticket enforced.
Cop: What!? But this is my job! I honorably protect all civilians by handing out speeding tickets! Another flag!?
Carl Cheffers: Personal foul, unsportsmanlike conduct on the police officer, that's a 15-yard penalty, and the police officer has been issued a ticket! First down!
Awesome. My check to Cheffers will be in the mail tomorrow morning. I just hope Harbaugh doesn't outbid me.
New England Patriots (13-4) - Previously: #4 - The good news is that the Patriots were dominant against the Colts. The bad news is that they were too dominant. Teams are 3-22 against the spread since 1996 after scoring 40-plus points in the playoffs.
Meanwhile, I saw someone post the following comment below:
dude... why u always be whoring on the Pats?
Uhh... what? Is this a good thing? I'm not clear on all the hip lingo kids are using nowadays, so I'm going to assume that this is a positive. If so, I be whorin' on all the teams, yo!
Denver Broncos (14-3) - Previously: #6 - Peyton Manning didn't choke in the playoffs? Has hell frozen over?
Speaking of Manning, I wonder how much Bud Light paid him for saying "The thing that's weighing on my mind is how soon I can get a Bud Light" during his post-game press conference. You better believe he got some money out of it; otherwise, he would have just said, "The thing that's weighing on my mind is how soon I can get a beer."
Why can't I get paid for mentioning products? I'm not as good of a quarterback as Manning, but he doesn't own a cool Web site like I do, so I'd say we're about even. I've written about my infatuation with Doritos, Cheetos and Oreos countless times, so I feel like each of those companies owe me money.
Carolina Panthers (12-5) - Previously: #2 - I won't discuss Cam Newton displaying terrible body language on the sidelines. Instead, here are two things to make Panther fans laugh (maybe):
1. Anti-Facebook Girl was over to watch the games on Sunday. I told her about Newton's Superman poses, which she thought was very arrogant of him. Upon watching him struggle in the second half, she remarked, "You know that cocky Panthers' quarterback? I don't think he has much of a reason to be cocky."
2. Last week, I posted the following:
I've made coaches and players the victims of Derek Anderson's magic flask. How about ESPN employees? Check out this post by Bill Williamson, sent over by Matvei:
If that wasn't bad enough, Williamson's mistakes were even worse this week:
What the hell? "Spshucvyal?" What is that even supposed to say, and how does something like that get published on ESPN? And how intoxicated was Williamson? I hope he had Carl Cheffers' officiating team on his side when he was pulled over for a potential DUI later that evening.
New Orleans Saints (12-6) - Previously: #5 - If you didn't see it, Sean Payton painted a Seahawks' logo on his team's practice field during the week. It was sort of interesting and made its rounds on Twitter, but I didn't think anyone spent more than 10 seconds thinking about it. Well, that wasn't the case, as FOX anchor Curt Menefee remarked on the pre-game show about the painted log, "It's that type of thinking that makes Sean Payton the Coach of the Year."
Really? Payton thought about painting the opposing team's logo, and THAT kind of thinking makes him a great coach? Payton is a great coach - despite his second-half gaffes in Seattle - but painting the opposing team's logo has nothing to do with it. How exactly did that logo help? Did it simulate the crazy crowd noise? Did it mimic the heavy winds? What was the purpose of it?
Anyway, what the hell was Marques Colston thinking by running out of bounds? It's almost as if he wanted to be a part of...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
It's the final play of the game...
Drew Brees: Marques, I'm going to hit you with a deep out. Step out of bounds once you catch the ball.
Marques Colston: BUUUT III NNOOO WWWANANNNAA STEEEPPSS OOFFF BOUNNNCEEE!!!
Drew Brees: WTF, are you drunk?
Marques Colston: I AIIINNTT DRRUUNKKSS YEERRR DRURUUNKKKSS!!!
Drew Brees: Marques, there's alcohol on your breath! How did this happen? You were sober like 10 minutes ago.
Drew Brees: Ugh. I don't think this is going to end well.
San Diego Chargers (10-8) - Previously: #7 - There are three events on the calendar that I hate the most:
- The appointment with my accountant when I have to pay taxes so corrupt politicans can buy yachts.
- The first weekend in November when we have to move the clocks backward (seriously, let's stop doing this; it blows when it gets dark at 4:45).
- The announcement of the Punt, Pass and Kick competition.
That third item occurred during the Denver-San Diego game. It was pure agony, and others on the forum agreed. Here's what everyone, including myself, had to say:
Me: Oh god no not these damn kids.
Prodigy: I dont care about this.
Me: STOP IT MAKE IT STOPPPPP ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Delta: Yes, the moment I've been waiting for, the Punt, Pass and Kick winners! Highlight of the day!
Me: No one cares about these kids!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wraith: Can they at least show the Andy Reid video, instead of this?
Roddoliver: Oh great. A retarded presentation to freeze the game.
Prodigy: That chick can get it.
Me: This would only be good if these kids fought each other to the death, a la Hunger Games. A perfect halftime show.
Indianapolis Colts (12-6) - Previously: #8 - It's a shame that Andrew Luck didn't have Reggie Wayne at his disposal in the second half of the season. It would've been interesting to see how far he could go with his full arsenal.
It's also a shame that NFL.com got rid of its previous GameCenter comment board; otherwise, we'd be able to read Taton's nonsensical posts. Taton's corpse is probably in some gutter anyway, but here's what he would've written if he were still alive/on the Internet:
- quit imcomplete Colts!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- man A Lock quit imcomplte
- dont trippen now Colt must play smart footballed
- Luck sux keep imcomplte Pagnos cause us a game again!!!
- Lock Pagnos have Sex Suck Irsay Penas in colt lock room!!!!!!
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: