New England Patriots (7-2) - Previously: #1 - The Patriots were on a bye, so now would be a good opportunity to reveal one of the cooler Halloween costumes I saw this year:
How awesome would it be if Belichick himself came dressed like this to one of the games? I think the opposing team would s*** itself.
Denver Broncos (7-2) - Previously: #2 - My LVH Supercontest partner Matvei texted me the following about Peyton Manning recently: "Does Goodell have a Manning fathead in his bedroom or something, how many calls does this a**hole get?"
Manning does get all the calls, and perhaps Goodell's obsession over Manning is the reason the Broncos inexplicably covered the spread against the Raiders despite the fact that a ridiculous 92 percent of the action in Vegas was on them.
Green Bay Packers (6-3) - Previously: #5 - The Packers move up to No. 3, as their defense looked superb against Chicago. Shifting Clay Matthews to inside linebacker and allowing Julius Peppers and Nick Perry to play outside worked wonders. Then again, the Packers were playing the pathetic Bears, including Jay Cutler, who cared so little about the game that he may have even thought that he was playing Tampa Bay instead of Green Bay.
Indianapolis Colts (6-3) - Previously: #3 - Jim Irsay has been able to tweet again, but not all of his tweets made it on to Twitter, as he was forced to delete some of them. I managed to capture these before he erased them:
im so board!!! why do we have to have this stupid bye week i want to watch a game!
@AndrewLuck12 @TYHilton13 @ReggieWayne87 Do u guys wanna hang out
@Castonzo74 @CoryRedding90 #DQwell52 Do u guys wanna hang out
@VontaeDavis21 @Bjoern92 @AhmadBradshaw44 do u guys wnna hang out
@VontaeDavis21 @Bjoern92 @AhmadBradshaw44 i dont think u got that msg it said do u guys wanna hang out
@Castonzo74 @CoryRedding90 #DQwell52 answer my plz!!!!
@nflcommish roger can u tell my playes to answer my tweets so they can hang out w/ me
@nflcommish @JimIrsay It's not within my power to do that. >> u suck ur the worst commish ever
@CobyFleener80 I'll hang out with you, Jim! >> Uhh never mind i have plans
@CobyFleener80 It'll be fun >> no i have to wash my hair & stuff
@AndrewLuck12 @TYHilton13 hey guys i told Coby i was busy but if u wanna hangout i can do it l8r
@CobyFleener80 I'm free all week! >> ugghhhhhhh
Kansas City Chiefs (6-3) - Previously: #8 - The Chiefs could have easily lost at Buffalo, but they were in a terrible spot, so that was expected. All of the sharps bet the Bills, but Kansas City prevailed, as it continued its impressive winning streak. Since the opener, the Chiefs have only lost to the Broncos and 49ers, and both were close games on the road.
Anyway, it's time for the Andy Reid meme of the week!
Last week: With a game coming up against the Bills, Reid has a message for his next opponent:
This week: Andy has a brilliant idea when he spotted the doppelganger in the stands:
Seattle Seahawks (6-3) - Previously: #10 - No idea what to make of the Seahawks. The Giants were able to hang around until a late flurry, but they were able to reestablish Marshawn Lynch with some of their linemen back into the lineup. Russell Wilson needs to stop playing like crap.
I'd like to blame Wilson's struggles on baseball. Remember how he dabbled in baseball this offseason? He said baseball helped him with preparation, but I don't see how. Baseball players are fat and lazy. It's no coincidence Wilson is being fat and lazy.
San Francisco 49ers (5-4) - Previously: #16 - The 49ers make a big jump for three reasons:
1. They played their best game of the season, finally performing up to their abilities. If they play like this for the rest of the year, they can make a deep run in the playoffs.
2. Winning in New Orleans is nearly impossible to do. San Francisco pulled it off.
3. The 49ers will be getting Patrick Willis, Aldon Smith and NaVorro Bowman back from injury/suspension soon. They'll make an already-great defense so much more dominant.
New Orleans Saints (4-5) - Previously: #4 - The Saints are now four plays away from being 8-1, as they've had some seriously back luck this year. For instance, when is a push-off ever called on a Hail Mary? I've never seen it. But Perrish Cox drew the penalty, so I just had to sit down with him for an interview. Here's the transcript:
Me: Hey Perrish, thanks for agreeing to the interview.
Cox: Oh, no worries. I... ohh... ouch... ugh...
Me: What's wrong? Why are you holding your left side?
Cox: It hurts. Oh, wow, it hurts. This is where Jimmy Graham pushed me with his powerful hands. Ohhhhh...
Me: It hurt that much? It didn't seem like he pushed off at all.
Cox: Are you kidding me? Did you see how far I flopped, I mean, flew? His arms have the power of a thousand earthquakes.
Me: Really? I didn't... wait a second... didn't he push you on your right side?
Cox: I... uhh... oh yeah! Right side. This is the side that hurts! Owww! Ouch, the pain, Walt! The pain!
Me: Something tells me you aren't being entirely truthful about being in pain. It also looked like a flop to me, to be honest.
Cox: It most certainly was not a flop. Wait a second! New injury! My nose hurts! It's so painful!
Me: Your nose? Don't tell me Jimmy Graham pushed your nose now.
Cox: You did! When you yelled at me, your voice was as powerful as a thousand hurricanes! Now it hurts, and I'm going to sue you!
Me: But I didn't even touch you!
Cox: It hurts so much! I can't breathe! Someone help me! Someone call my lawyer!
Detroit Lions (7-2) - Previously: #12 - I said I'd move the winner of the Lions-Dolphins game into the top 10, and I kept my word. However, I don't want to be too optimistic about the Lions, as they continue to hurt themselves with dumb mistakes. It's going to cost them down the stretch.
Philadelphia Eagles (7-2) - Previously: #13 - I had to include the Eagles in the top 10 just to make Jet fans more upset. Mark Sanchez looked good Monday night, but that was not a true test because the Panthers are one of the worst teams in the NFL.
Let's play "Why is Team X Not in the Top 10 Rabble Rabble Rabble!"
Arizona Cardinals: The Cardinals were No. 6 last week, but they've dropped out with Carson Palmer done for the year. Drew Stanton is not a bad backup, but Arizona is not a top-10 team with him at the helm. The Cardinals are 8-1 for now, but they will soon fade away into oblivion.
Dallas Cowboys: I don't like their defense at all without Justin Durant. Besides, something is going to happen that will make this team implode.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Ah, the classic Steeler stink bomb. I expected Pittsburgh to win by three, failing to cover in the process, prompting Mike Tomlin to go on a 10-minute rant about how difficult it is to win in the NFL. The Steelers lost, so I'm dropping them a bit. I didn't want to dock them too much because they were missing two of their top defenders - Troy Polamalu and Ryan Shazier - in that defeat, but they still dropped a game to the pathetic Jets.
NFL Power Rankings: Week 11 - Bottom 10
32. Oakland Raiders (0-9) - Previously: #32 - Someone noted in the comment board below that Matt Miller of Bleacher Report ranked the Raiders 28th going into this weekend.
My reaction to this:
Oh, and if you're wondering, Miller has not yet responded to me about matching my donation to Futures without Violence. Not that I expected him to, following that ridiculous reaction.
31. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-9) - Previously: #31 - One of the guys on Sunday NFL Countdown said something interesting this week. They thought the Jaguars had a chance to beat Dallas because they couldn't get into the cool London parties like the Cowboy players could.
Though talent won out in the end, I think there's some truth to that. I could see Blake Bortles and his crew being rejected at the cool parties and having to go to sausage fests instead. Poor Bortles probably had to wait 45 minutes just to get a Natty Ice beer, so he most certainly didn't get drunk before the game.
30. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-8) - Previously: #30 - Did anyone else actually fear sorry for Josh McCown after the game when he cried about being 1-8? Cheer up, Josh! You're only three games back of the division lead, and only two if you beat the Saints on your own homefield. Gotta love the NFC South!
29. Tennessee Titans (2-7) - Previously: #29 - Zach Mettenberger showed some promise against the Ravens. He had a great first half, but he completely imploded after halftime. He has seven games left to put together a couple of quality complete games; otherwise, the Titans will be targeting Marcus Mariota (via trade) or Jameis Winston come April.
28. New York Jets (2-8) - Previously: #28 - Bravo to the Jets. They somehow convinced Justin Bieber to bother the Steelers at the hotel. Someone on ESPN said this would give Pittsburgh good luck, and I was dumbfounded by that comment. How is a Canadian douche no one likes (13-year-old idiots don't count) going to bring anyone luck? Canada doesn't even want to acknowledge that Bieber is from there!
By the way, I think it's time to discuss my theory about how the North American War of 2018 will commence. The U.S. will try to have Bieber deported after he does more s***ty things and makes more crappy music, but Canada will tell America that it doesn't want him. The two countries will fight over who will have to deal with Bieber, prompting war to break out. I'm telling you, it's coming in about four years.
27. Chicago Bears (3-6) - Previously: #25 - Hey Jay Cutler! You're part of...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Derek Anderson: It's been 10 weeks now since I've last had a drop from my precious magic flask. There was terrible quarterbacking in Green Bay, so let me go to that lovely town.
Jay Cutler: Heyeyy whoooss fuussks rrrr yyewww? Waiitt I'mmm Jayy Cuuutellerrs ssooo I dunnn caree.
Derek Anderson: Jay, did you have a sip from my flask?
Jay Cutler: I dunno I dunnn caaaree I'mmm Jayyy Cuuutlleer I dunn cccaaaree bbbouut nooothinnn!
Derek Anderson: Ugh. Hey, Brandon Marshall. Did you see if Jay was sipping out of a flask?
Brandon Marshall: I think I did. Maybe that's why Jay was so awful against Green Bay.
Jay Cutler: Greennnn Baaayyy? Hic! I tthawwt weeerree ppllaayuinn aggaainnss Taammppaa Baayyy.
Brandon Marshall: How could you think we were playing the Bucs? You are the worst teammate ever!
Jay Cutler: It'sss aa gooddd thinnng I'mm Jaayy Cuutrlle annnd I dunnn ccaaree hic! I cannn ddruunk bebeffooree a gammee cuzz I dunn caare.
Derek Anderson: Jay. Please listen to my question. Do you remember where you put my magic flask?
Jay Cutler: I dunnn ccaaare soooo I foorrgetts whwheree I ppuutt it. Hic! Nooww exccuusse meee I goottaa prppeaare fooro Miammii nenxxt weeek.
Brandon Marshall: We play Minnesota next week; not... ugh... I guess it doesn't even matter.
26. Carolina Panthers (3-6-1) - Previously: #24 - Here's my NFL Game Recaps page where you can find analysis of the Eagles-Panthers game.
25. St. Louis Rams (3-6) - Previously: #27 - Teams that have waived Michael Sam are now a combined 4-8 this year. And I thought the Curse of Justin Bieber was bad.
24. Washington Redskins (3-6) - Previously: #22 - E-mailer Miguel H. had an interesting solution to the Redskins' team name controversy, which isn't really a controversy, but whatever:
I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. I would suggest, as in an email I received, they change the name to the "Foreskins" to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Washington, D.C.
As someone who is disgruntled with both political parties, I'm all for this.
23. Minnesota Vikings (4-5) - Previously: #23 - The Vikings were on a bye, so here's some of last week's hate mail:
"The Chiefs have been one of the most underrated teams in the NFL recently, but let's get to more important things:
It's time for the Andy Reid meme of the week!"
Or maybe you could stop being such a freaking amateur and explain why you think they're underrated. 14-year-olds obsess over memes. Adults who comment on the NFL for a living support claims like the one you made, Walt.
Uhh no. Adults obsess over memes too, pal! I LOVE MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMES!!!!!!!!!!!
Buggar off Walt with your BSPN style, lame-o Anti-Raider snark with that pic. What are you 12 years old? The Raiders are not the 32nd ranked team. They may have not won a game (yet), but they are FAR outperforming the truly terrible one MEASLY win teams like the Bucs and Jet's teams with close one score tussles and very winnable games vs. the Chargers, the 7-1 Cardinals, and this past week at Seattle's house. In fact the Raiders and Jags should be #29 & #28 respectively based on how they have performed... do you even watch the games sir or just wake up and "snark away" articles?
Bleacher Report Matt Miller Ranks the Raiders #28 and rightfully so...
"The Oakland Raiders have not won a football game all season, but that doesn't mean they are the worst team in football.
I'd argue with you, but you're referencing Bleacher Report to back up your opinion, so... lol.
Lol the Bengals beat the Ravens, not once, but twice and are ranked 8 spots below them...that makes a ton of sense
As you can tell by the Thursday night result, it did actually make a lot of sense.
Every other power ranking has the Cardinals at 3 or better. I guess you are the only one that knows whats r eal with them at number 6..... j/k, you are a joke!!!!!!!!!!! 14-3 in last 17 games, best in NFL. You say that their wins are not pretty. What the hell does that mean? In fact, only the Cardinals and Patriots have 5 wins by 9 pts or more. They have also covered the spread in all but one win. What more do you want?
No professional bettor or sportsbook line setter has Arizona in the top three. I'm sorry I don't write analysis like "DERP DEE DERP CARANOLS BEST TEAMS CUZ TEY HAVE BESTEST RECORD DERP DEE DERP." Go to ESPN for that.
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: