Green Bay Packers (9-3) - Previously: #2 - It was a tough call as to which team deserved to be No. 1. The Packers just beat the Patriots, but did so at Lambeau. Would it have gone differently on a neutral site? Hopefully, we'll find out in February, because a rematch would be awesome.
New England Patriots (9-3) - Previously: #1 - I'd like to thank Stephen Gostkowski for costing me $440 with one of the worst field goal attempts of all time. Could he at least doinked it off the upright? How was he so inaccurate? There's only one reasonable explanation...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
Derek Anderson: It's been 13 weeks now since I've last had a drop from my precious magic flask. I've heard reports of it surfacing in Green Bay, which is odd because both quarterbacks played fairly well on Sunday. Whoa, there's a man hiding in a trash can! Hey, you, are you OK?
Stephen Gostkowski: Heyyy diiddd yeewww seee bbanannan ppeeel hic?
Derek Anderson: A banana peel? For what?
Stephen Gostkowski: I'mmm sucuchh a ffuusskk uppp, I missseedd a kkicckk sooo bbaaadd I'mmm goonnnaa pputtt a babanana ppeeell onnn ffeieldd annddd bbllaammee itt onnn thaaasstt hic!
Derek Anderson: Huh? But didn't the kick already happen? The TV didn't capture a banana peel on the field.
Derek Anderson: Stephen, did you happen to take a sip out of my magic flask before the game?
Stephen Gostkowski: Yeahhh soommee Pacckkerr fannnn deleliivver iittt anndndd tellleedd mmemee to gigivee iittt to Brradddyy buttt I liikee allocchooll sooo I drruuknkks iittt myyysseellff hic!
Derek Anderson: Do you remember where you put it!?
Stephen Gostkowski: Noooo I fofrrrgett I'mmm conncentraatting tooo mucuchch oonn fifnnddinng bbananana ppeeeel hic!
Denver Broncos (9-3) - Previously: #3 - The Broncos ruined my NFL Pick of the Month, but I didn't lose because I was going against Peyton Manning, who was just 4-of-14 for 43 yards in the second half. This, perhaps, is a sign of things to come in the playoffs if Manning has to battle a tough team in the cold weather.
Seattle Seahawks (8-4) - Previously: #5 - The Seahawks have their mojo back, and they could have homefield advantage, which is pretty scary. If they win out, and the Packers lose once, all NFC roads will go through Seattle again.
Can the Seahawks win out? I don't see why not. Their toughest game is this Sunday at Philadelphia. After that, they get the decaying 49ers again, followed by the collapsing Cardinals and then the Rams at home. Having the Packers lose once could be the issue though, as Green Bay has Falcons, Bills, Buccaneers and Lions (home) remaining on its slate.
Indianapolis Colts (8-4) - Previously: #4 - While the Broncos destroyed my night, and the Packers ruined my evening, the Colts spoiled my afternoon. Maybe I shouldn't have bet 14 units against Peyton Manning, Aaron Rodgers and Andrew Luck. Derp dee derp.
Jim Irsay has been able to tweet again, but not all of his tweets made it on to Twitter, as he was forced to delete some of them. I managed to capture these before he erased them:
yo @DanielSnyder ur team sucks can u change ur name cuz the 20 protesots outside the stadium smell
srsly @DanielSnyder no one rlly cares about the skins name but the hippy prostestors smell like cabbage
@DanielSnyder @JimIrsay It's a proud name! >> ugh no one cares you're team sux neway
hey @DanielSnyder wanna trade Luck for RGIII
@DanielSnyder @JimIrsay Yes! >> H AHA HA HA HA ok just give me you're next 99 1st round picks!
@DanielSnyder @JimIrsay OK you got a deal! >> i didnt mean it i was jk
@DanielSnyder @JimIrsay No! A deal's a deal! >> I WAS JK U IDIOT!!!
@DanielSnyder @JimIrsay It's a deal. Give me Luck! >> NO IM NOT GIVING YOU LUCK FUKC YOU AHOLE!!!
@DanielSnyder @JimIrsay Hey @NFLCommish please give me Luck! >> NO DONT DO IT PLZ @NFLCommish PLZ
@NFLCommish @JimIrsay Seems like you two struck a deal >> NO THIS IS BS IM NOT GIVING LUCK I'LL USE GUNS
@NFLCommish @JimIrsay Guns? >> YEAH IM NOT KIDDING ILL SHOOT PPL B4 I GIVE U LUCK FUKC BOTH OF U
@NFLCommish @JimIrsay Then you'll be suspended 6 games, per my rules. >> NO NOT AGAIN UGH WTF
Hey @DanielSnyder that wasn't the real Jim irsay that was my kid he logged into my account and hack it
@DanielSnyder @JimIrsay That's BS! >> no its not i can proove it i like the smell of cabbage but my son doesnt
So @DanielSnyder i dont have to trade u luck lolololololololol
@NFLCommish @JimIrsay If it wasn't you, then the deal is off. >> lolololololololololol
@DanielSnyder @NFLCommish @JimIrsay NO I SHOULD HAVE LUCK NOW I'LL OFFEND MORE PEOPLE! >> lololololololololol
San Diego Chargers (8-4) - Previously: #17 - The Chargers make the biggest move this week, as their victory at Baltimore was very impressive. Philip Rivers appears to be healthy for the first time since the opening half of the Thursday night loss at Denver, while Brandon Flowers seems to be 100 percent as well. Having both of those guys playing at full capacity makes San Diego a very dangerous threat.
The Chargers take the Chiefs' spot in the top 10. Speaking of the Chiefs, it's time for the Andy Reid meme of the week!
Last week: Congrats to Andy for signing an advertising contract with Staples!
This week: How could I bet seven units on this guy?
Philadelphia Eagles (9-3) - Previously: #11 - Philly fans have to be grateful for this:
And no, I'm still not buying the Eagles yet because I've seen what Mark Sanchez can do. Sanchez has played extremely well before, only to put together a stinker a week or two later. The stinker is coming.
Miami Dolphins (7-5) - Previously: #7 - Here's my NFL Game Recaps page where you can find analysis of the Dolphins-Jets game, including "A huge signature win for the Jets." - Jon Gruden.
Baltimore Ravens (7-5) - Previously: #14 - I had the Ravens too low last week. Their victory at New Orleans looks so much better in the wake of the Saints' win at Pittsburgh, and they were screwed out of a victory over San Diego because of some bad calls. I don't think there's any doubt that the Ravens are the most talented team in the AFC North.
Besides, the Ravens are able to do some weird voodoo with timeouts, which could help them down the road. This occurred several weeks ago:
And then we had this on Sunday:
John Harbaugh is doing a hell of a coaching job to sneak in all of these extra timeouts.
Detroit Lions (8-4) - Previously: #10 - I can't believe I'm putting the Lions back into the top 10, but there really aren't 10 teams that are better than them when Calvin Johnson is completely healthy.
Let's play "Why is Team X Not in the Top 10 Rabble Rabble Rabble!"
Arizona Cardinals: Will Arizona fans still give me grief for not ranking their team as high as they'd want, or will it take one more double-digit loss?
Cincinnati Bengals: Hope Bengal fans enjoyed Andy Dalton's performance against the Buccaneers, because that was a sneak preview of what's to come in January.
Dallas Cowboys: Just putting them here for the lulz. Can't believe most of us were fooled into thinking this year would be different.
NFL Power Rankings: Week 14 - Bottom 10
32. Oakland Raiders (1-11) - Previously: #32 - Hopefully, drunken commenters and douche bags writing for spam sites can stop arguing that the Raiders aren't the worst team in the NFL. Fortunately, there is some hope for Oakland fans:
31. Tennessee Titans (2-10) - Previously: #30 - It's amazing how uncompetitive the Titans can be in most of their games. They just made Ryan Fitzpatrick look like the second coming of John Elway.
Speaking of Fitzy, cool stuff with his kid being able to multiply 97 and 93 on the fly like that in front of the media. The kid is obviously smart, though I did enjoy Deion Sanders' quip about having someone from the media asking him to multiply his dad's interception total.
Not to burst the kid's bubble though, but there is a trick. For multiplying any double-digit numbers, you just take the first digit in each and replace the second with a zero and multiply them. 90 x 90 is obviously 8,100 (since 9 x 9 is 81, and then you add the two zeroes to get 8,100). Then, you multiply the second digits against each of those 90s and add them. So, 7 x 90 is 630 (7 x 9 with the added zero), and 3 x 90 is 270 (3 x 9 with the added 0). Adding 630 and 270 yields 900, so adding that to 8,100 nets 9,000. Finally, multiple the second digits - 7 x 3 - to get 21, and add that to 9,000 to come up with 9,021. Boom. Multiplying 97 and 93 comes out to 9,021.
30. Jacksonville Jaguars (2-10) - Previously: #31 - The Jaguars took Blaine Gabbert one selection prior to J.J. Watt, and now they'll miss out on Randy Gregory and Leonard Williams because of a meaningless win over the Giants. Meh, at least the fans can enjoy the awesome pool at the stadium.
29. New York Jets (2-10) - Previously: #28 - With Rex Ryan sure to be fired soon, I wanted to interview him once last time. Here's the transcript:
Me: Hey Rex, thanks for agreeing to the interview again.
Ryan: Sure thing, Walt. Anything for you. If you don't mind, I brought over our general manager, John Idzik, with me for this interview.
Me: That's fine. So, how was your Thanksgiving, Rex?
Ryan: It was great! We had turkey, mashed potatoes, stuff... Uhh...
Me: What is it?
Ryan: I'm not allowed to talk about my Thanksgiving dinner.
Me: Why not?
Ryan: Because... uhh... I can't talk about why either...
Me: Well, I guess we'll talk about football then. What made you change your mind from going to QBDK to Geno Smith?
Ryan: I... uhh... what can I say? One of them is... uhh... I can't really say...
Ryan: I... umm... can't say that either.
Me: OK, well, can you talk about your defense at all? How much did not having a stud corner hurt you this year?
Ryan: UGH, IT WAS AWFUL! WE REALLY... really... I really can't say anything about that...
Me: Rex, what can you talk about!?
Ryan: I... uhh... can't really say...
Me: John, you have something to do with this, don't you!?
Idzik: We have a serious team that seriously works hard and is seriously improving each week.
Me: But why can't Rex even answer silly questions like the one about Thanksgiving?
Idzik: We handle all serious questions very seriously. We will seriously review your questions very seriously and get back to you shortly and seriously.
Me: Ugh, you're the worst, Idzik.
Ryan: That's what I sa... I mean, I can't say anything about that either.
28. New York Giants (3-9) - Previously: #21 - I've been hesitant to move the Giants into the bottom 10 because they've had several close losses amid a ridiculously difficult schedule, but that loss to Jacksonville made me change my mind.
Anyway, Eli Manning and his friends would like to share something with you:
27. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (2-10) - Previously: #29 - The Buccaneers have had some terrible luck this season. They had the time expire before a field goal try against the Rams back in Week 2 because of an injury. They had their 12-men-on-the-field fiasco against the Bengals. They lost two overtime games... And then there was this at Chicago:
They scored an extra point, but the senile Walt Coleman forgot to award them a touchdown. What an idiot!
26. Carolina Panthers (3-8-1) - Previously: #27 - Breaking news: Inspired by the Browns, the Panthers are considering a quarterback change:
25. Washington Redskins (3-9) - Previously: #26 - What I looked like upon watching $330 drain out of my Bovada account:
It was brutal watching all of those open Indianapolis receivers. I feel like a group of people in wheelchairs could have scored long touchdowns against Washington's hapless secondary.
24. Minnesota Vikings (5-7) - Previously: #25 - I've promised not to make fun of the Vikings when they win or earn me money, so here's some hate mail this week from the comment board below:
Your power rankings seem to be based on the teams you want to be higher, not anything else. Your comments you make about changing rankings for certain teams based on people writing in complaining also prove that you only write based on your emotions, not actually where they should be. Your rankings are also almost always very different than all other ranking sites out there. I think your site is very poor based on all of this.
They're based on drunken dart throwing too. That's my process behind my power rankings. I drunkenly throw darts to determine the order, and then I base tie-breakers on whom I want to be higher.
I swear Walt was Jordan (jones) Dalton and then she cheated on him with Andy. It's only logical.
OK I guess the jig is up. She wanted a guy who choked in important games, and I just couldn't provide that for her.
Math: "Bill Belichick vs. Peyton Manning without Tom Brady: 1-2. Bill Belichick vs. Peyton Manning with Tom Brady: 11-5. Boom." Yeah, that's over double the amount of losses with your boy toy walt. You can check a calculator in Vegas so you know you've done the math right next time
Ironic that "math" has no concept of math.
Keep betting against the Bengals and keep losing money walt :)
My Pick of the Month (Pats) against you guys was successful, so I have plenty of money to lose!
Reason why the Bengals aren't good: "I found a funny picture of their ginger quarterback! LOLOLOLOL."
That's exactly right! I should hire you to be a writer for this site because you get it.
Meaningless metrics (they are meaningless if somehow they dictate that a team with a losing record is a top 10 team) and some drunk Vegas guy's power rankings determined by throwing darts at a dart board are not valid reasons to ranking teams.
Uhh... drunken dart throwing is a very legitimate way to rank teams. Way better than watching film and stuff. Who has time for that?
Dude, if I was this much of an idiot (as you and your rankings are), I'd considering killing myself. No one's impressed by your silly, unorthodox ranking system. The NFL is about winning, period. Winning by one is as good as winning by 20. Teams that win the most are probably better than teams that lose more. Every NFL game is different, which is why a team may win by 3 one week, and by 14 another, and by 4 another.
But if you were as big of an idiot as I am, you would be too stupid to realize that you would have to kill yourself, hence your logic is flawed. I am so stupid that I don't know I should kill myself, so why would I? Derp dee derp dee doo.
Walter's logic - 49ers are awesome, Top 10. Early season Bengals - they suck. He goes off on Andy Dalton, but Colin Kaepernick who is absolutely terrible as a passer gets no mention or consideration.
Walt, as usual, your rankings are terrible. Horriawful.
As bad as Kaepernick was on Thursday (against a great secondary), he looked like Joe Montana compared to Andy Dalton against the crapp Buccaneers. If you're defending Dalton in any way, you must be extremely intoxicated. Don't drink and comment.
23. Chicago Bears (4-7) - Previously: #24 - So, the Bears were demolished at Detroit, and the Buccaneers nearly upset the Bengals... but the f***ing Bucs couldn't cover at Chicago a week ago!? You see the sort of terrible luck I'm having this year? I'd keep ranting, but I'm out of energy. I'm also about to check the hate mail on my picks, so stay tuned for that on Wednesday!
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Dallas Cowboys (8-4). Previously: #10
12. Arizona Cardinals (9-3). Previously: #9
13. Kansas City Chiefs (7-5). Previously: #6
14. Pittsburgh Steelers (7-5). Previously: #12
15. Cincinnati Bengals (8-3-1). Previously: #16
16. St. Louis Rams (5-7). Previously: #19
17. Buffalo Bills (7-5). Previously: #18
18. San Francisco 49ers (7-5). Previously: #8
19. New Orleans Saints (5-7). Previously: #20
20. Houston Texans (6-6). Previously: #22
21. Cleveland Browns (7-5). Previously: #15
22. Atlanta Falcons (5-7). Previously: #23
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: