Green Bay Packers (2-0) - Previously: #1 - I wrote last week that there wasn't a concise No. 1 team, but the Packers showed me a lot Sunday night. Overcoming an opponent that's been dominating a rivalry is more difficult than most think. Just look at what happened in the Denver-Kansas City and New England-Buffalo games. The Packers haven't been able to defeat a top-end mobile quarterback, but finally did so Sunday night, overwhelming Russell Wilson.
In fact, it was so bad that Aaron Rodgers made Wilson cry with a cruel joke:
Wow, what a dick.
New England Patriots (2-0) - Previously: #9 - When you lose $880 on a team, you've probably read them incorrectly, hence the jump to No. 2...
...Or, they found a new way to cheat. Probably the latter. I'm going to get to the bottom of New England's new cheating tactic. Each week, I'm going to list a possible reason the Patriots are winning despite having a depleted roster and a distracted, aging quarterback who really did look like a rotting corpse in the preseason games (though somehow much better right now).
My first guess is that Bill Belichick managed to sneak into the Bills' team meetings. I'm serious. In fact, there's actual visual evidence of this:
Belichick, the best master of disguises the world has seen since Varys.
Seattle Seahawks (0-2) - Previously: #3 - I'm not ready to give up on the Seahawks quite yet. They're a Super Bowl champion, and it's not like their players suddenly got old, or anything. They can get their act together and go on a run. Three things need to happen, though: Richard Sherman needs to stop filming stupid commercials and concentrate on football; Kam Chancellor has to stop being a money-hungry douche and play for the amount he agreed to a year ago; and Pete Carroll needs to pretend to be a girl so he can meet up with Dr. Who and travel back in time to negate the Jimmy Graham-Max Unger trade. That last part shouldn't be too difficult, given Carroll's lesbian haircut.
Arizona Cardinals (2-0) - Previously: #7 - I was tempted to rank the Cardinals over the Seahawks, but they'll have to beat them first. As I wrote earlier, overcoming a dominant rival is more difficult than most think. Besides, Carson Palmer could go down at any moment, as we've seen in the past.
Cincinnati Bengals (2-0) - Previously: #8 - Bengal fans are notorious for sending me hate mail, so I'll appease them for now by ranking their team sixth fifth. Don't worry, fans of all 31 other teams, I am still sane; I will promptly drop Cincinnati once the playoffs roll around.
All joking aside, this actually might be the year Cincinnati wins a postseason game. Having A.J. Green and Tyler Eifert might make a huge difference. Andy Dalton might commit just three turnovers instead of the usual five, giving the rest of the team a chance to carry him to victory.
Denver Broncos (2-0) - Previously: #5 - Peyton Manning might be done, but he can at least crack jokes at Kansas City's expense:
Burn. Oh, and speaking of burns, my girlfriend on Manning's ugly mug: "He's so old! He looks like Mr. Magoo." She also commented on how decrepit he looks and was shocked I bet on Denver on Thursday night. "Why'd you bet on them!? Peyton sucks now!" See? She knows, and she doesn't even like football.
Buffalo Bills (1-1) - Previously: #6 - The Bills gave a new meaning to "shooting yourself in the foot" Sunday. They constantly killed themselves with so many dumb errors that they never really had a chance. Sure, they mounted some bogus comeback at the end, but even though I had bet $800 on them, I was still pissed. In fact, I texted my picks podcast co-host Matvei: "UGH WHY ARE THESE A**HOLES GIVING ME FALSE HOPE!? I DON'T WANT FALSE HOPE!"
The Bills fans, at least, made Brady feel bad before the game. Inflating pumps were front and center in their team store, and this was even seen at a tailgate:
Get it? Brady's mistress is deflated? Oh, and is it just me, or does Brady's mistress also kind of look like a dude?
Minnesota Vikings (1-1) - Previously: #13 - See, I knew the Vikings' Week 1 loss was bogus. It was ridiculous that the NFL made a non-West Coast team play at a 10:20 p.m. start time. It's almost as if the league were run by a tyrannical douche who makes stupid rules and thinks he can do whatever he pleases.
Nevertheless, the Vikings were one of my sleeper teams entering the season, so I think they belong in the top 10. I'm actually really ashamed of myself right now that I didn't bet more on them in Week 2. I'm an idiot.
San Diego Chargers (1-1) - Previously: #14 - "TEH CHARGER LOSTED AND MOVE UP 4 5 SPOT!?!?" - Random, future commenter below. Yeah, it's a very weird week. I didn't know whom to rank No. 10 No. 9, but I figured I wouldn't penalize San Diego for playing a close game in an early start. Here were the other possibilities:
Panthers - They're 2-0, but beating the Jaguars and Texans in close games doesn't exactly make me confident.
Dolphins - Joe Philbin can't coach his way out of a paper bag, and Ndamukong Suh is already acting like an a**hole.
Falcons - They're 2-0, but really just two plays away from being 0-2. I picked the Falcons in both games, but I'm still a bit skeptical.
Eagles - Lol j/k.
Kansas City Chiefs (1-1) - Previously: #15 - You may have noticed that I had several numbers crossed off earlier. I wrote up my power rankings prior to the Monday night game, and I had Indianapolis stationed at No. 3. As it turns out, Indianapolis sucks because it can't block whatsoever, so I dropped the team out of the top 10.
Here are some memorable tweets from Jim Irsay during the game:
IM PUMPED FOR THIS GAME I DONT EVEN KNOW WHOM ARE WE PLAYING TONIGHT!?!?!?!?
SOME1 TOLD ME WERE PLAYING THE JETS. MORE LIKE S-U-C-K M-Y D-I-C-K!!!!
"@NFLCommish Jim, don't use that language." F*** you c**sucker what r u gonna do suspend me ill have judge berman overturn it lolololol
"@NFLCommish That's it, you're suspended for 4 games." LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL
"@JudgeBerman @NFLCommish Roger, you can't suspend Jim without due process." LOLOLOLOLOLOL
OK BACK TO THE GAME WERE GONG TO CRUSH THE JETS WHOM IS THE JETS QB GENO SMITH WHOM IS THAT LOLOLOLOL
Nvm i forgot glass geno got knocked out by IM keapli, the indian guy who sold me a doughnut today
WTF WHY DO WE SUCK SO MUCH THIS IS SO BULLSHOT
ANDREW LUCK KEEP MAKING PICK F*** THIS S*** IM SELLING THIS F***ING TEAM F*** PAGAMO F*** GRAYSON F*** LUCK THIS ALL SUCK
WHOS C*** DO I HAVE TO SUCK TO GET A WIN COMMON PLEASE I HAVE DRUGS ILL DO ANYTHING FOR A WIN EXCEPT KISS ROGER GODALL'S RING LOLOLOLOL
NFL Power Rankings: Week 3 - Bottom 10
32. Chicago Bears (0-2) - Previously: #26 - The five worst teams in my power rankings won last week, so the No. 32 spot was just as difficult to figure out as No. 10. But I ultimately decided to go with the Bears. They're a safe bet, as Jay Cutler is fully capable of sucking the life out of a team.
Speaking of Cutler, here is this week's Jay Cutler Meme:
Still better than High-Pitch Voice Peyton Manning. Ugh.
31. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1) - Previously: #32 - I won't make fun of the Buccaneers this week because they won. I still don't trust Jameis Winston, though, especially after seeing this:
30. Oakland Raiders (1-1) - Previously: #31 - Ugh, why do these crappy teams all have to win? It's like the NFL doesn't want me to make fun of them.
Let's go back to the Bears, since they seem like the biggest losers right now. What the hell happened to Kyle Fuller? He looked good early last season, but has regressed at an alarming rate. Hmm...
The Adventures of Derek Anderson's Magic Flask!
*** A year ago ***
Kyle Fuller: My career is off to a great start, and I'm going to be the best cornerback ever!
29. Jacksonville Jaguars (1-1) - Previously: #30 - It's a sad week when I can't make fun of the Buccaneers, Raiders, Jaguars and Browns. I think I might go drown myself in Jacksonville's pool.
28. Cleveland Browns (1-1) - Previously: #29 - I was kidding about drowning myself, by the way... because I was just reminded that I've lost $1,320 betting on or against Johnny Manziel in three games. Drowning myself is too merciful. I think I'll go for a more cruel death. Perhaps saying that Caitlyn Jenner is not a hero will be enough to do me in? I can already hear them now...
WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO HOW DARE YOU SAY CAITLYN JENNER'S NOT A HERO, BRO? YOU WANNA THROW DOWN BRO?
Yes. I do want to throw down and die from your a**-kicking. All because I lost $1,320 on Johnny Douchebag.
27. San Francisco 49ers (1-1) - Previously: #24 - I'm glad things are back to normal and the 49ers suck again. I was worried for a second there that I was stuck in a bizzaro parallel universe where very little made sense. Having said that, I would gladly go to that parallel universe if I didn't have to deal with PC idiots who get offended by everything, including a fantasy football-related post about a running back whose son was in the hospital. Wait, am I still in the 49ers' capsule?
26. Tennessee Titans (1-1) - Previously: #25 - I'm not penalizing Tennessee for its loss at Cleveland. The Titans dealt with some injuries in that game, and they had bad luck overall, like Johnny Manziel actually showing up sober enough to hit two deep passes.
25. Washington Redskins (1-1) - Previously: #28 - Maybe Washington isn't as bad as everyone thought the team was. The defense actually looks decent under Joe Barry, while Matt Jones is a stud. Maybe the Redskins could...
WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO DID YOU JUST CALL WASHINGTON'S FOOTBALL TEAM A BAD NAME, BRO? DID YOU JUST REFER TO THEM BY AN OFFENSIVE NAME, EVEN THOUGH TWO NATIVE AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOLS USE THAT VERY SAME NICKNAME, BRO? DID YOU KNOW THAT YOU'RE A WHITE MALE IN A CAPITALISTIC SOCIETY, BRO? DO YOU KNOW HOW EASY YOU HAVE IT, BRO? DO YOU KNOW HOW UPSET NATIVE AMERICANS GET WHEN THEY HEAR THE NICKNAME OF WASHINGTON'S FOOTBALL TEAM, BRO? LIKE THERE ARE FIVE OF THEM WHO GET OFFENDED, BRO! AND IT DOESN'T MATTER THAT THOSE FIVE JUST USE IT AS A PLATFORM TO PROMOTE THEIR OWN AGENDAS, BRO! THAT'S NOT FOR YOU TO DECIDE, BRO! NOW, APOLOGIZE, OR GET READY TO THROW DOWN, BRO!
Please. Someone kill me now.
24. Houston Texans (0-2) - Previously: #23 - Ryan Mallett, meanwhile, played quarterback more intoxicated than an Irishman on St. Patrick's Day... I SAID AN IRISHMAN ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY! What, no WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO-WEE-OOO? So, it's OK to berate a culture as long as it's not a minority? Is that why no one pretends to be offended by the Notre Dame Fighting Irish like they are with the Washington Redskins? OK, cool. And thank you, South Park for making fun of these a**holes. I dedicate this week's Power Rankings to you.
Speaking of a**holes, here's some hate mail from the Power Rankings:
23. New Orleans Saints (0-2) - Previously: #20 - I originally had the Jets here, but as with the Colts, I had to move them. Here's my NFL Game Recaps page where you can find my analysis of the Colts-Jets game.
NFL Power Rankings: The Rest: 11. Carolina Panthers (2-0). Previously: #17
12. Miami Dolphins (1-1). Previously: #10
13. Atlanta Falcons (2-0). Previously: #18
14. New York Jets (2-0). Previously: #27
15. Indianapolis Colts (0-2). Previously: #2
16. Dallas Cowboys (2-0). Previously: #9
17. Baltimore Ravens (0-2). Previously: #12
18. Detroit Lions (0-2). Previously: #16
19. Philadelphia Eagles (0-2). Previously: #11
20. Pittsburgh Steelers (1-1). Previously: #23
21. St. Louis Rams (1-1). Previously: #19
22. New York Giants (0-2). Previously: #21
Something new this year - I'm keeping track of precise run defense, pass defense and pass protection rankings in Excel. The benefit to this is that it'll be broken down by week. Here are the download links: