Last update: Tuesday, April 1, 2014.
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2014 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16
Baltimore Ravens: Steve Smith, WR, USC
Another Steve Smith? What's going on here? General manager Ozzie Newsome didn't offer much of an explanation.
"Two down; one to go," he said quickly before departing on horseback.
After doing some research, it was discovered that Newsome is seeking the three Steve Smiths. He already has the boisterous one; the Steve Smith of Exasperation. He drafted the injury-prone Smith; the Steve Smith of Laceration. All that remains is acquiring the Steve Smith who used to play basketball and now works as an analyst for Turner Sports; the Steve Smith of Narration.
According to legend, when the Steve Smith of Exasperation, the Steve Smith of Laceration and the Steve Smith of Narration are combined, they will form the Master Steve Smith. But don't fear - Newsome is doing this for good, as he will use the Master Steve Smith to defeat Ganondorf once and for all.
Follow @walterfootball for updates.
Arizona Cardinals: Justin Gilbert , CB , Oklahoma State
The Cardinals have traded up and selected Justin Gilbert. The Jets miss out on yet another cornerback!
"F*** THIS F***ING GM AND THIS F***ING TEAM AND F***ING CITY!!!" Rex Ryan shouted at the top of his lungs. "THIS F***ING IDIOT GM IS A F***ING PIECE OF S***, HOW THE F*** CAN YOU KEEP MISSING OUT ON THESE F***ING CORNERS?!?!? ALL I WANT IS ONE F***ING TALENTED CORNER AND THIS B***H KEEPS F***ING UP! F*** THIS S*** I'M OUT OF THIS F***ING DISASTER OF A F***ING FRANCHISE!!!"
Miami Dolphins: The Governor, G, Walking Dead
And here we thought the Dolphins were going to clean up their locker room. That apparently was a lie, as owner Stephen Ross proudly announced that the Governor would be joining the team as an interior lineman.
"I've met with the Governor, and he's a class act," Ross said. "The Governor is a great player and an even better person, so I'm glad to have him as a member of the Dolphins."
Hours later, the Governor shot Mike Wallace, strangled Michael Egnew and decapitated Mike Pouncey. This didn't seem to bother Ross.
"I'm sure we don't have all of the knowledge yet, but what we do know is that the Governor is a great individual," Ross said. "Never have I been prouder to be associated with someone as terrific as the Governor."
Indianapolis Colts: Darqueze Dennard , CB , Michigan State
The Colts have traded up and selected Darqueze Dennard. The Jets miss out on yet another cornerback!
Upon hearing the news, Rex Ryan raided his liquor cabinet and quickly downed an entire bottle of Jack. He didn't say anything until he treated bottles of vodka and gin in the same manner.
"HHHEYEYYY WHYYY CANNZZ WEEE JUSSS GETTT CORORRNSOSSBACCK??" Ryan asked drunkenly. "HEYYYY WHAHAAATT YYEWWW LOOOKIINN ATTTT IFFF YOUU DUNNN STAOOPP STARRRINN I'MM GONNNAA GETTT MMYY BROOZZERR TOOOOO BEAASTTTS YOOOUU UPPPSS!!"
Green Bay Packers: Marcus Martin , C , Southern California
Aaron Rodgers desperately wanted Evan Dietrich-Smith back, but Ted Thompson let him go. Thompson appeared to make amends by drafting the 2014 NFL Draft's top center, Marcus Martin, but he immediately traded him away for a seventh-round pick.
Thompson met with the media to explain, though his hair was suddenly a shade of blond.
"That fool Mark Davis thinks you get to be as cool as Captain Kangaroo by not drafting Jadeveon Clowney," Thompson snarled. "The real trick to becoming as cool as Captain Kangaroo is to piss off Aaron Rodgers."
Philadelphia Eagles: Max Wittek, QB, USC
On the surface, it seems that Chip Kelly has an obsession with USC quarterbacks. Looking deeper, however, we can see that's a bit of an understatement.
And by deeper, we mean Kelly's basement. Hours after drafting Max Wittek, we visited Kelly's house, where he had Wittek, Matt Barkley and Mark Sanchez all chained up in his basement. We were able to free them, but neither Barkley nor Sanchez could speak because they were trapped in there for so long. Only Wittek had something to say, but he kept muttering the same two words over and over:
"Yellow... king... yellow... king..."
Kansas City Chiefs: Easy Schedule
The Chiefs have to deal with the NFC West this year, so it's unlikely that they'll start 9-0 again and fool everyone into thinking they can win the Super Bowl with Alex Smith at quarterback. Well, that's no longer an issue, as the team drafted an easy schedule, meaning they get to battle the Raiders, Jaguars, Browns and Jets four times each.
"Maybe we'll be 10-0 this time," Andy Reid beamed.
Cincinnati Bengals: Forfeit
Cincinnati fans loathe owner Mike Brown. After all, he's proven to be extremely frugal when it comes to free agency. It seems like they've gone a decade without signing a single free agent.
Well, it appears as though the Bengals won't be drafting anyone soon. Brown drafted a statement that was delivered to the media. It said that he discovered that he could forfeit his draft choices so that he won't have to spend any money on rookies. The statement also said "Go f*** yourselves."
Brown could not be reached for comment because he was buying his 17th yacht.
Carolina Panthers: All Offensive Linemen
In a very odd move, the Panthers traded up to this spot to select all of the offensive linemen in this draft.
"We had to do it," said head coach Commander Adama. "All of our linemen kept retiring so we needed many new ones. So say we all."
Unfortunately, Carolina's plan backfired. Greg Robinson announced his retirement because he tore his Achilles going up to meet Roger Goodell. Jake Matthews hung up his cleets because of a patellar tendon. Taylor Lewan was arrested. Zack Martin told the Panthers he didn't want to play anymore. David Yankey was revealed to be a Cylon, so he was thrown out of the air lock. The list goes on and on, but I'll spare all Carolina fans.
Cleveland Browns: Johnny Manziel, QB, Texas A&M
"Whateva! Whateva!" Jimmy Haslam was heard barking at journalists asking him why he took the same, ineligible player twice in the first round of the draft. Haslam didn't offer much of an answer outside of his favorite word. Instead, he focused on his coaching staff.
"I just fire Joshy McD because I do whateva I want!" Haslam said. "Who I hire? I hire Rob Chudzinski to be the head coach. And then I just fire him! Whateva! Now I hire Greg Schiano because I do whateva I want!"
New Orleans Saints: Iron Boots
When the "no dunking" rule was announced, Jimmy Graham vowed to lead the NFL in fines. His plans have been thwarted, however.
"These iron boots will make sure that Jimmy Graham won't ever dunk again," Sean Payton said. "Am I upset that he won't be able to jump to catch touchdowns? Sure. But it's worth it. Besides, if Ozzie Newsome ever needs anyone to go into the water temple to retrieve the hookshot, Jimmy can get it done."
Carolina Panthers: Nate, QB/WR, Play 60
The Panthers tried offensive linemen out. How about a receiver?
New England Patriots: Dee Milliner, CB, Alabama
The Patriots have stolen another cornerback from the Jets!
Reporters flocked to Rex Ryan for some more comments, but all they found was a suicide note.
San Francisco 49ers: Richie Incognito, G, Nebraska
San Francisco was supposed to be a safe haven for Jonathan Martin. He played college football there for Jim Harbaugh, after all. Harbaugh was eager to sign him, welcoming him back to the Bay Area with open arms. Apparently, this was all a ruse.
"Jonathan is a wuss, and he needs to be taught a lesson by a real tough guy, and that tough guy is Richie Incognito," Harbaugh smirked. "Richie is going to make him pay for hookers, call him a homo and play pranks on him in the lunch room. It's going to be legendary."
Incongito arrived as quickly as possible, eager to make Martin's life a living hell again. He was disappointed, however, as Martin already cleaned out his locker and bolted.
Denver Broncos: God, QB/RB/WR/TE/OL/DL/OLB/ILB/CB/S/K/P, Heaven
Having Peyton Manning was not enough. Stealing Aqib Talib from the Patriots was not enough. Landing DeMarcus Ware was not enough. Acquiring T.J. Ward was not enough. John Elway is officially all in with this draft pick.
"I'm very pleased to be a member of the Broncos so that I can help Peyton Manning win a championship," God said.
It's unknown which position God will play because He's capable of stepping into any role. With that said, it doesn't seem like His spot on the field is His primary concern.
"I'm hoping that Peyton Manning lets me star in some of his awesome commercials," God said. "Like that one for Papa John's. Better pizza, better... uhh... God damn it, I forgot the quote already."
Seattle Seahawks: David Ortiz, NT, Boston Red Sox
Russell Wilson made a big deal about improving his work ethic while playing baseball, so Pete Carroll decided to do something different. He drafted a baseball player. Red Sox slugger David Ortiz will be the team's new nose tackle.
Or at least that was the plan. Ortiz had issues during his first day of practice.
"I no... I no can do this... too tire..." Ortiz panted.
"David, you're just putting on your pads," Wilson replied. "We haven't even begun practice yet."
Ortiz nearly got fully dressed for practice, but quit when he was three-quarters of the way through.
"I go back to baseball," Ortiz said when addressing the team. "In baseball I can just stand around and not do anything most of time. Football is hard!"
Real 2014 NFL Mock Draft
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