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2016 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16
Atlanta Falcons: Race and Sexual Preference Detector
The Falcons were criticized for asking Ohio State cornerback Eli Apple if he liked men. They had to issue a fake apology due to unwarranted social-media backlash.
"The PC idiots were out in full force," head coach Dan Quinn said. "They threatened to draw penises on my face, so we were forced to apologize."
To prevent something like this from happening again, the Falcons spent this selection on a Race and Sexual Preference Detector.
"Now, the PC idiots won't be able to yell at me," Quinn said, sounding relieved. "I'll be able to detect the race and sexual preference from prospects without even asking them. There won't be any penises on this face!"
Indianapolis Colts: Will Fuller, WR, Notre Dame
The fans wanted an offensive lineman. The quarterback wanted an offensive lineman. The coaches wanted an offensive lineman. General manager Ryan Grigson apparently didn't care.
"Who cares about the blocking, I certainly don't!" Grigson spat, then began to laugh. "HAHAHA, SOON ANDREW LUCK'S ORGANS WILL BE MINE! ALL MINE!"
Grigson ripped off his face, revealing that he was really Mike Martz in disguise.
"TEE-HEE-HEE, ANDREW LUCK'S ORGANS WILL SELL FOR A HIGH PRICE ON THE BLACK MARKET!" Grigson shouted incoherently. "AND WITH HIS OFFENSIVE LINE IN SHAMBLES, HIS ORGANS WILL SPILL ONTO THE BATTLEFIELD LIKE MARC BULGER'S ONCE DID, AND I WILL SELL THOSE ORGANS FOR LOTS OF MONEY! TEE-HEE-HEE!!!"
Buffalo Bills: Greg Hardy, DE, Ole Miss
If there's one thing Rex Ryan laments about how his 2015 season transpired, it's his misusage of Mario Williams.
"When I came to Buffalo, I really thought I had something here with Mario Williams," Ryan said. "But then, halfway through the season, I finally realized what was wrong, and why Mario doesn't fit into my system. Mario is a lazy player, and my defense calls for scumbags in order to be successful."
We asked Ryan about how Williams quit on the team, but Ryan said Williams still wasn't being douchey enough.
"It was promising, but it was too little, too late," Ryan said. "Mario should've watched film of Richie Incognito. Now there's a guy who fits my system. All Mario needed to do was bully someone on the team, and he would've been a star."
New York Jets: $1 Trillion Loan
When the Jets said that they wanted to extend Ryan Fitzpatrick, we figured they would overpay him based on what he did in 2015. Fitzpatrick played above expectations, so he deserved to be compensated appropriately. We never anticipated this.
"We've announced that we're giving Ryan a 5-year, $1 trillion contract," head coach Todd Bowles said. "Mr. [Woody] Johnson didn't have the appropriate funds, however, so he borrowed the amount he needed from the Iron Bank."
Jets fans rejoiced, as they believe Fitzpatrick is their savior. Buffalo supporters, however, had a different reaction, though every single person from that fan base responded with exactly three letters:
Fitzpatrick, meanwhile, was seen leaving the team facility, holding a white bag with a black dollar sign on it, all while twirling his mustache.
Washington Redskins: New Team Name
Remember the Redskins team name controversy? Nah, neither do we. But it apparently was a thing. Progressive, PC idiots lashed out at the Redskins, citing that the team name was racist, yet owner Daniel Snyder refused to do anything about it. The story eventually died down - proving yet again that the best solution to combating PC idiots is to simply ignore them - but Snyder noted that it ate at him every night.
"I couldn't stop thinking about it," Snyder said. "That's why we've come up with a new team name for our football organization. And keep in mind that we're still going to use the same logo."
So, what's the new name?
"Ladies and gentlemen, I present the Washington Blood-Thirsty Savages!" Snyder exclaimed. "Get it? Because Native Americans were blood-thirsty savages?"
Progressive, PC idiots took Twitter by storm, demanding that the Blood-Thirsty Savages change their team name. But Snyder just simply ignored them again, as everyone should always do.
Houston Texans: Christian Hackenberg, QB, Penn State
Hey, Texans fans, this is a real pick based on actual info we have. The Texans love Christian Hackenberg and will take him with the No. 22 pick in the 2016 NFL Draft despite the signing of Brock Osweiler. It's a 100-percent guarantee.
Minnesota Vikings: Contracts for Crappy Safeties
Rather than spend this draft pick on rookies, the Vikings have opted to sign numerous veterans. The players they've acquired are:
Brandon Meriweather, S, Giants.
Antonio Allen, S, Jets.
Nate Ebner, S, Patriots.
Cody Davis, S, Rams.
Danny McCray, S, Cowboys.
General manager Rick Spielman looked rather pleased with himself at the press conference.
"I spoke to God, and he told me that it's my mission to acquire as many terrible safeties as possible," Spielman said. "That's why I paid Andrew Sendejo $16 million over four years. We initially wanted to upgrade him, but God came to me one night and told me he had chosen to me to assemble all of the terrible safeties, so that's exactly what I'm doing."
So, what's Spielman going to do with all of these safeties?
"I honestly don't know yet," Spielman said. "But God also told me that I have to insert 50 grapes into my anus, so I'm going to get on that as soon as this press conference is over."
Cincinnati Bengals: Norman Bates, SK, Bates Motel
Many believe Vontaze Burfict went too far when he nearly decapitated Antonio Brown, costing Cincinnati a playoff victory. Marvin Lewis apparently disagrees.
"Very disappointed in Vontaze," Lewis said. "How could he hit Antonio like that and not kill him? It was downright inexcusable."
Lewis is confident that Norman Bates will get the job done.
"Norman has killed numerous people, so I love his upside," Lewis said. "The one drawback is that he dresses like his dead mother, but we've discussed that and that's something we're willing to deal with."
It's worth noting that the Falcons removed Bates from their draft board entirely.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Mike Martz's Black-Market Organs
It didn't take long for Mike Martz to find a buyer.
"Tee-hee-hee, I have made a huge profit!" Martz shrieked, gleefully.
The buyer happens to be the Steelers, who will put the organs to good use.
"Had to get them," Mike Tomlin said. "Simply had to get them. Too many injuries last year. We'll be able to use the organs once our guys get hurt again next season, so injuries won't be a problem going forward."
Seattle Seahawks: Logic
The Seahawks were unwilling to meet Kam Chancellor's contract demands prior to the 2015 campaign, and understandably so, given that he was just one year into his deal. Chancellor broke his holdout and ended up playing for Seattle after all. The front office awarded him with a new contract that he signed yesterday. However, he shocked the organization by what he said the following day.
"I've decided to hold out again," Chancellor said. "I may be just one day into my contract, but I feel as though I've performed above expectations."
The Seahawks had just one choice: They were forced into acquiring logic with the 26th-overall pick. As soon as they selected logic, Chancellor finally understood.
"Oooohhh, so you're supposed to wait a bit before asking for a new contract!" Chancellor exclaimed. "Now I get it. I can't believe I was being such a greedy douche before!"
We couldn't believe it either.
Green Bay Packers: Cheeseburger on a Rope
It's not often that an NFL team is inspired from something they see on a football Web site. However, the 2016 NFL Draft has been affected by such a phenomenon.
Ted Thompson addressed the media by holding up the following picture:
"Guys, I know this isn't a real picture, and it was made with something called Photoshop," Thompson said proudly. "But then I got to thinking ... what if I could make this a reality?"
Thompson revealed his plan to have Lacy wear a helmet with a stick and a cheeseburger attached to it.
"By my calculations, based on how much Eddie is willing to run just to eat a cheeseburger, he'll lose 80 pounds in just two days," Thompson said. "First, figuring out that Photoshop thing. Next, getting Eddie to lose weight. Man, I'm really smart, you guys!"
Kansas City Chiefs: Heismman Campaign
It's becoming apparent that Chiefs fans will believe anything. Some of them are realistic, but far too many believe Alex Smith is a great quarterback capable of leading the team to a Super Bowl. Kansas City's front office decided to take it one step further.
"Hem, hem... uhh... hem, hem... umm... uhh... hem, hem..." Andy Reid said. "Uhh... hem, hem... hem, hem... uhh... umm... uhh... hem, hem."
General manager John Dorsey stepped in to explain.
"What Andy's trying to say is that we know how much Chief fans love Alex Smith, so we're pleased to inform you that we've started a Heisman campaign for him," Dorsey said.
A Heisman campaign? But Smith isn't eligible, given that he's in the NFL...
"That's nonsense," Dorsey said. "Chiefs fans are the greatest, and they know everything, and they're sure to be confident that Alex can win the Heisman."
"Hem, hem," Reid agreed.
Dorsey revealed Smith's Heisman campaign slogan: "Alex Smith - now he, too, throws touchdown passes to receivers!"
New England Patriots: Laremy Tunsil, OT, Ole Miss
No one expected it to happen, but we live in a chaotic, random world. Roger Goodell, who has fought the Patriots every step of the way, returned their lost draft pick in an act of mercy. Well, OK, may not mercy.
"Guys, I was surfing the World Wide Web, and I can say 'surfing' because I'm cool and down with the youth of today, and I found this Web site, WalterFootball.com, and the writer called me a douche," Goodell revealed. "I was so upset that I made sure Walter and his employees are banned from all NFL events going forward. But then I thought about it ... maybe I am a douche."
Goodell wiped a tear from his eye, drawing gasps from all of the reporters.
"What is this ... what is this liquid coming from my eye?" Goodell asked, looking quite shocked. "Am I sick? Am I going to die? Well, ladies and gentlemen, before I go to to the doctor's office, let me just say that Tom Brady is a class act who definitely didn't deflate footballs, even though he destroyed all of the evidence. That's what a non-douche would say, right?"
As for New England's pick?
"We took the guy we wanted all along," Bill Belichick said in his usual, monotone voice. "The 28 dumb teams in front of us had a chance to take the best player in the draft, but as usual, I get the guy I want and the other teams keep doing stupid things."
Arizona Cardinals: New Scrotum
Many don't know this, but Carson Palmer suffered more than just an injured finger at the end of the game against the Eagles in December.
"We were waiting until the end of the season to announce this, but Carson also lost his scrotum when he got hit," Bruce Arians revealed. "That's why he choked in the playoffs. He didn't have any balls."
This would explain why Palmer has avoided all contact with the media since the playoffs. He sounded like a pre-teen boy with out his scrotum. Fortunately for Palmer, he now has new balls to work with.
"No more choking this year," Palmer said confidently. "And don't worry, Cards fans, I'm going to wear a cup next year for a change so this doesn't happen again."
Carolina Panthers: New Dance Moves
Cam Newton is very popular with the kids. Or, at least he used to be. Handing out footballs apparently can only please the youth of America so long.
"I used to think Cam was cool when he gave footballs to us," said 8-year-old Timmy. "But now, all of us kids think he's a dork."
The reason for this sudden change? None other than Newton's trademark dance move.
"Dabbing was so 2015," said 9-year-old Billy. "Once we all saw Newton still dabbing in the playoffs, we knew he was a nerd. Everyone knows that the cool people don't dab anymore now that it's 2016."
Denver Broncos: Joe Montana, QB, Notre Dame
The Broncos were finally able to get rid of Peyton Manning, so the move to bring in another washed-up, Hall of Fame quarterback is quite puzzling. John Elway addressed the media to explain.
"People believe that the reason we won the Super Bowl was far from Peyton," Elway said. "That's not true at all. Peyton was the primary reason. The Panthers believed Peyton sucked - and rightfully so - which meant that they overlooked the rest of the team. Our defense took over and brought home the Lombardi as a result.
"Peyton got a big head from this," Elway continued. "And trust me, Peyton was already an ego-maniac, yet he was just so much more loathesome. So, we got rid of him and brought in another washed-up quarterback teams will overlook."
Elway began laughing nervously out of nowhere.
"Joe's a better actor than that fraud Peyton, anyway," Elway said angrily. "I mean, I would have been better, but did Peyton ask me to promote Papa John's? No! He didn't!"
"I'm a great actor, but no one ever wants me in their commercials!" Elway shouted. "Never! Not one damn commercial! I can sell pizza! Just give me a chance! Just give me a f***ing chance!"
Elway stormed out of the room, sobbing uncontrollably.
Real 2016 NFL Mock Draft
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