Last update: Sometime in the month of 2016.
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Emmitt Smith's 2016 NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16
I've been writing Emmitt Smith mock drafts ever since ESPN unjustly fired him. My reasoning was that we all missed Emmitt's grammatically flawed analysis on the "Worldwide Leader," and I was protesting ESPN terminating his contract. Emmitt was definitely the highlight of my Sunday mornings, and America deserves to hear him once again.
This is my ninth Emmitt mock draft, so I thought it was time to change things up, but only a bit. "Emmitt" will still be making picks in this mock draft, but he'll be joined by Matt Millen, who still somehow has a job on ESPN. It's ridiculous that he's still employed, given that he does nothing but mutter sexual innuendos toward certain players and coaches. Millen, of course, lashed out at one of his players with homophobic comments when he was general manager of the Lions, so it's no surprise that he keeps saying that he would "ride young stallions" all night long. Millen doth protest too much, after all.
This is what a 2016 NFL Mock Draft would look like if Emmitt Smith and Matt Millen combined to create one. This is satire, so don't take this seriously. But please read it - Emmitt put his blood, sweat and cry into it, and then Millen dipped his kielbasa into that blood, sweat and cry.
My real 2016 NFL Mock Draft - Emmitt's 2015 Mock - Emmitt's 2014 Mock - Emmitt's 2013 Mock - Emmitt's 2012 Mock - Emmitt's 2011 Mock - Emmitt's 2010 Mock - Emmitt's 2009 Mock - Emmitt's 2008 Mock
| "Check out my sexy suspenders. The 100-percent USDA Men love them."
Atlanta Falcons: Terrance Hemingway, TE, South Carolina State
The Falcon need a tide end. There are no ifs, ands or buttons. The Falcon struggle ever since his future Hall of Flame tide end Tony Rodriguez got kidnap by the Mexicans and he force into retiredment.
I look on the list for an interesting tide end, and I come acrossed the name of Terrance Hemingway, who probably the grandfather of the famous arthur Earnest Hemingway. Earnest Hemingway was probably one of my favorite arthurs of all time ever, my favorite work of his was when he write the book, Earnest Go To Prison or the other book, Earnest Go To Summer Camps. If Terrance Hemingway anything like his grandson, then he gonna be a great football player.
Indianapolis Colts: Will Fuller, WR, Notre Dame
By Matt Millen
This pick has got me all excited. That's because I'm writing about a player from the prestigious University of Notre Dame. Notre Dame is a Catholic school, which means only one thing: Catholic school outfits. It's always been my dream that a 100-percent USDA Man wearing a Catholic school boy outfit would come to my hotel room and then spank me with his ruler while inserting his kielbasa into my backside. Believe me, I'd rather experience this than win a billion dollars. Some people talk about girls when they refer to Catholic school outfits, but who in their right mind would want to see a woman in a skirt?
Anyway, I hope Andrew Luck likes this pick. It'll give him someone new to throw to. Hopefully it'll mean Andrew will come over to my hotel room wearing a Catholic school boy outfit. Oh boy, that gets me so excited. Andrew's an architect, so that adds percentage points to his USDA Manliness Rating. He could use his architectual skills to build the perfect kielbasa to insert into my backside. I just peed a little bit thinking about it!
Buffalo Bills: Braxton Miller, WR, Ohio State
In my previously pick, I gaved a tide end to the Falcon because Matt Ryan need one. Now I'm gonna help his twin uncle, Rex Ryan, who also need a tide end to throw to. Rex Ryan play good at quarterback in the last year, but he struggle in the reds zones so he need assistants.
Misfortunately, I check and there no more good tide end in the entire draft so the Bill gonna need a new wide receiver to go with Sandy Watkins. Why not Braxton Miller, the son of Tony Braxton, who was one of my favorite singeresses in the entire world. She also a doctoress. She always was talking about unbreaking the heart, so whenever my frend or family member talk about needing a heart doctor because he either have heart diesease or heart attack, I always telled him, "Go to see Dr. Tony Braxton," she know how to unbreak a brokened heart. Then they look at me funny, but probably only because he do not think of it himselves!
New York Jets: D.J. Foster, WR, Arizona State
By Matt Millen
Ah, the Big Apple. Though I like living in rural areas so I can comfortably wear the sexy suspenders that you can see in the picture posted above, I have to say I have a fondness from my time in New York. I moved to the "big city" when I was 21. Graced with a velvet voice, I moved there to pursue my dream of becoming a songwriter only to find my aspirations sidelined by the accolades and notoriety I received at my "day" job as a barmaid at Coyote Kielbasa. Rather than writing songs, I got sidetracked by all of our kielbasa antics. At Coyote Kielbasa, we would dance to music and insert kielbasas into our backsides at the same exact time. I don't have to tell you that it took a while to master the coreography!
This opened my eyes to the world, so I'm always happy that I lived in the Big Apple for quite some time. Had I never moved there, I would've thought that my kielbasa insertion should be kept private. Now that I'm aware there's no shame in it, I can either kidnap 100-percent USDA Men from bars after I drug them, or freely do my kielbasa inserting at the bar, as long as I have the 100-percent USDA Man's consent. That's the lesson learned. No consent, drugging and kidnapping and then inserting in private. Consent, do it publicly. Such a simple rule, why don't people get it?
Washington Redskins: Lamarcus Treadwell, WR, Ole Miss
By Matt Millen
Surprised to see me with an odd pick? Emmitt requested that he get the Houston Texans' pick because he's very familiar with the city of Texas. I told him that Texas was a state, and he looked confused. I then took advantage of this opportunity and asked for the Vikings pick because I watch the show Vikings religiously. Emmitt accepted, like all 100-percent USDA Men do when I confuse them. I have a gift for confusing young gents, and I usually take advantage of them. If all else fails, I slip something into their drink, but this is not preferrable because who then will insert kielbasas into my backside? I am not limber enough to do it myself anymore.
At any rate, I'm happy to have Washington's pick. Lamarcus Treadwell seems like a good option. He ran slowly in the 40 at his Pro Day, but I watched it live, trying my hardest to avoid touching myself so that I could do the appropriate homework for this pick. That, and my wife was in the room, which is always annoying. Stupid wife is so gay. My point is that I watched Treadwell intently, and I saw him running with a limp - the same limp that other 100-percent USDA Men have after I spend a week with them. Lamarcus, you naughty boy, how many kielbasas were inserted into your backside last night? I only wish I was there for the party!
Houston Texans: Tre Madden, RB, USC
There is no question mark in my mind that the Houston Texas need a running back. When I play in the city of Texas, everybody always telled me that I was true most MVP on the team because I am a running back. The running back the most importantness position in football and the Houston Texas only has Adrian Foster, who say he retirement.
Tre Madden make the most sense to me. Tre Madden happen to be the grandfather of John Madden, who invented video game. Every time myselves and my son, Emmitt Smith Jr. IV the Sr. III play on the video game, we first hold hand and say a prayer for John Madden because without his great invent, we would not be playing video game at these moment.
Minnesota Vikings: Marquez North, WR, Tennessee
By Matt Millen
I wanted to do the Vikings pick because Vikings is my favorite show on TV. I love watching it but imaginging new plot lines. For instance, instead of Ragnar going to war for the King of England, I think Ragnar and the King of England should be in a hot tub together, and then the servants bring out some kielbasas that the King of England was saving for a special occasion. Then, Ragnar would strip naked and do a little dance for the King of England. Then, the King of England would insert the kielbasa into Ragnar's backside and... oohhh... OOHHH... so excited! I love Vikings!
(5 minutes later)
Phew. That was a relief. Anyway, Marquez North should fit right in to the show. I love his backside, and his last name is North, so he's basically a viking already. Maybe he can join Ragnar and the King of England in that hot tub, and two of the men can take turns inserting... oohhh... OOOHH... getting excited again!
Cincinnati Bengals: Kentrell Brothers, LB, Missouri
Vontrez Berflect probably gonna go to jail because he decapotato Antonius Brown in the doggone playoff game. Antonius Brown not gonna be able to play football anymore and he almost die from decapotato, which mean Vontrez Berflect probably gonna get life in prism. So the Bengal need to find new linebacker to replace himselves.
I beganed the thought processors of pondering who to pick for the Bengal and then I came to a realize: Why not draft two linebacker? Because two head are better than one tail. The Kentrell Brothers are gonna be good for the Bengal because they are good at play football. They the best brother since Mario Brother. The guy in the green baseball cap name Linguini and the guy in the red baseball cap name from the Mario game... uhh... I already forgetted but his name start with the number M.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Victor Orochi, RB, Story Brook
There are three thing interesting about Victor Orochi. The first thing is he from a place call Story Brook. This happen to be in a magic forest fulled with magic thing like unicorn and the horse with the horn on his head. Victor Orochi probably live in the river, which make scent for the Steeler because they play in a stadium with three river inside. Secondly, I made a Google Image seek on Orochi and this what I find:
As you can sees, Orochi is octopus with eight head. The proverb say that eight head better than one - especially when the eight head belonged to a dragon from one of my favorite game, Dragon Quick 3.
I have another thing to say about Victor Orochi, but I forget. I real forgetfulness today.
Seattle Seahawks: Devon Cajuste, WR, Stanford
By Matt Millen
I want to clear up one thing Emmitt said about the Bengals pick. I'd like to say that I enjoyed the Kentrell Brothers pick, as the two brothers will undoubtedly play well for Cincinnati. And if they don't, well, I'll enjoy inserting kielbasas into both of their backsides whenever I visit Cincinnati. The dream is to do kielbasa insertion with two brothers and their father - at the same time. I've been blessed, as my dream has come true on so many occasions!
However, what I wanted to clarify was that Vontaze Burfict was not going to spend the rest of his life in prison. He wouldn't be so lucky. In fact, I doubt he gets more than five amazing years in prison. How great would it to be in prison, where inmates smuggle in kielbasas and then penetrate them into the backsides of 100-percent USDA Inmates in the showers when one of them bends over? I've been trying to go to prison for my entire adult life, but I haven't been fortunate enough to be convicted for anything yet.
Anyway, I'm not sure what the Seahawks need, so I'll just follow the one rule I had when I was the general manager of the Detroit Tigers: When in doubt, draft a receiver. And also, when hiring assistants, make sure the radius of his backside is at least 40 inches. Devon's is 44 inches. Believe me. I drugged him one night and snuck into his room to measure. Then I took pictures of his backside for three hours and sniffed it, too.
Green Bay Packers: Henry Hunter, TE, Arkansas
Matt Million just tolded me that he look at my pick before he went to started writing his. I have no idea that we were even supposing to be doing that! I guess it make scents because if I know who he pick, I know which player not to pick because he already got pick. It is common scents which is one of the five scents. There is eye scents, nose scents, ear scents, mouth scents and common scents.
So, who already got draft already? I try to look but the up button on my computer do not work so I guessed I will never knowed. Let's try to give the Packer a guy I am old too familiar with, Henry Hunter, the tied end from Arkansas. I am familiar with Henry Hunter because Bill Clinton, the current President of the United American State, went to school in Arkansas where he play quarterback for the Miami Dolphin. Henry Hunter can help the Packer quarterback Rodgers... uhh... I forgetted Rodgers last name. Oh yes, I remember now, Rodgers Johnson.
Kansas City Chiefs:
By Matt Millen
I am tired of doing this mock draft already because it's been a lot of work. Plus, I'll be meeting a 100-percent USDA Man in a few minutes, and I can already anticipate the kielbasa penetrating my backside. So, I showed what I already did to some Chiefs fans on one of their message boards. They didn't bother helping, calling me a fa**ot and gay instead. I can't believe they would say that. I'm not gay! I have a wife!
You know who's gay!? Johnnie Morton, that's who! What a f***ing fa**ot! The guy loves to lick dudes' balls. Oh man, I wish he would lick my balls. And insert kielbasas into my backside. Oh boy. Those rock-solid abs. That tight backside. Johnnie Morton was the true definition of a 100-percent USDA Man. Wait, was I typing that or thinking it out loud? If I was typing, I was just kidding because Johnnie Morton is a f***ing fa**ot and I'm not gay!!!
Arizona Cardinals: Emmitt Smith Jr. the IV Sr. the III Jr. the V
You know what I find strangeness? And not just strangeness? Very strangeness? That there are two team with the name Cardinal in the National Conference of Footballs. In cased you don't know who he are, I am talking about the Phoenix Cardinal and Arizona Cardinal. It is expecially strangeness because Arizona happen to be the capital of Phoenix. This mean that the President of Phoenix happen to live in the city of Arizona. Maybe he the reason why there are two team with the name of Cardinal.
It is time for me to promition my son. His name Emmitt Smith Jr. the IV the Sr. the III uhhh... Jr. the V, I think. And he ready to play football. Every year I say Emmitt Smith Jr. the Sr. V the Jr... uhh... I forget rest of his names, but I say he ready to play football and no team draft him. Why! Now he old enough to be in the National League of Conferences, because he 21 year of age. Or maybe he 16 year of age, I am not a mathamagician, I do not know how to keep track of how many year of age every person now are.
Carolina Panthers: Paxton Lynch, QB, Memphis
By Matt Millen
I can't believe I made it this far. My final pick. It seems like only yesterday that I began typing up my write-up for the Browns. Ah, the color brown, how I love you so.
Anyway, let's get to the Panthers. I don't like them because I don't like Cam Newton. I find him extremely offensive. No, it's not the random dancing, which excited me a bit. It was when he gave footballs to all the kids. This meant that no 100-percent USDA Man was given a football at a Carolina game this year. If that doesn't seem like a big deal to you, then you've never taken a trip to the state of Carolina. It's a hot bed for 100-percent USDA Men, who would stick footballs in addition to kielbasas into my backside whenever I go vacationing down there, which is quite often!
Curse you, Cam Newton. Curse you to hell for giving these undeserving heethens footballs! They're not 100-percent USDA Men. They're nothing-percent nothing!
I will give the Panthers Paxton Lynch. He's my favorite of the quarterback prospects. That's because of his first name, Paxton. It sounds like Pack, which reminds me of how many kielbasas I'll try to pack inside my 100-percent USDA Man's backside ton... he's here! He's here! Gotta run! It's kielbasa time! Please don't tell my wife!
Denver Broncos: Christian Hamburger, QB, Penn State
OK, I tooked my flaptop to the computer repair store and I ask the guy there if he can repaired my flaptop. He ask what is wrong, and I point to the up button and say it do not worked. He laugh and say, Emmitt, of course it do not work because you have num lock on. All you have to do is press the num lock one time. This surprise me - big surprise me - because I assume if you hit the num lock button, your body gonna get all num, and that is not very enjoyables!
So I try the num lock and my body do not get num so I finally sawed what pick was made in this mark draft. I wrote down all the quarterback who was taken because the Bronco need a quarterback. Peyton Manning went into unretiredment, while Brock Ostrich a defect. I read that he go to the state of Houston because he defect, so that must meaned that all the quarterback who are defect get sented to Houston to get repair. That is what I do when I buy toy for my son Emmitt Smith Jr. III the Sr. IV Jr. Sr. IV III and the toy do not worked.
The one quarterback who neither myselves or Matt Millard pick are Christian Hamburger. This maybe because Christian Hamburger offensived to people who do not belief in Christian. Maybe he need to change his name to Jewish Hamburger or Himboo Hamburger or Asian Hamburger, except hamburger not yet invent in Asia. Whenever my wive drag me to Chinese resaurant I ask for hamburger and he do not have it! Why the China not invent hamburget yet!?
At any raise, this my mark draft that I share with Mike Millen. I hope you like it more than my usual mark. I know I did. I only did half the pick which mean I wrote down 22 pick instead of 32!
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