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2017 April Fools NFL Mock Draft: Picks 1-16
Washington Redskins: Missy Armitage, PSYCH, Ole Miss
The Redskins may have fired Scot McCloughan, but they certainly haven't completely cut ties with him.
"Scot has a big problem, and we're trying our best to help," Daniel Snyder said. "To do that, we've hired world-renowned psychiatrist Missy Armitage."
Armitage was able to cure McCloughan's alleged alcoholism by making strange noises with her tea cup. McCloughan now wants to vomit on the mere thought of having a drink. Unfortunately, this all came with a consequence.
"OK, OK, you got us," Snyder chuckled. "What we really wanted to do was harvest McCloughan's brain, so we could auction it off to inept general managers so that they can improve their talent evaluation."
This may sound like a silly idea, but the Jaguars offered $7.16 million to the Redskins for McCloughan's brain. David Caldwell will undergo the procedure next Monday.
Tennessee Titans: O.J. Howard, TE, Alabama
Ring, ring! Stan Kroenke was on the line again, and he had another trade offer for the Titans.
"Hey guys, it's your best friend with the best mustache ever, Stan!" Kroenke chirped. "It turns out I didn't offer you guys enough last time so Roger Goodell canceled the trade. But here's my counter-offer. For this pick, I'll give you my first-round pick every year, starting from this year and ending in the year of the 900Xth Rule of Zarlox, the Demon King who shall enslave all humanity."
The Titans, knowing they'd get yelled at again, declined.
"That's OK guys," Kroenke conceded. "But anyway that's not the real reason I was calling. I wanted to know if you'd come to my birthday party Saturday. There's going to be cake, balloons and a clown!"
Tennessee declined once more, and Kroenke dejectedly said goodbye. Five minutes later, Goodell called.
"Guys, I told you, Stan is special!" Goodell barked. "Now, you'll go to Stan's party Saturday, or I'll strip all of your first-round picks each year starting now and ending at the 800Xth Rule of Zarlox!"
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: Jeff Spicoli, WR, Ridgemont High
The Buccaneers have a running back problem. The issue is that they've paid way too much money to Doug Martin, who busted in 2016 because he was too lazy. In an effort to end this, Tampa drafted Jeff Spicoli to give Martin an example of what he shouldn't become.
Unfortunately, it backfired.
The trouble started when Spicoli ordered a pizza during a team meeting. Martin was instantly smitten.
"The coach took the pizza away, and Spicoli said, 'You dick!' and that's when I knew I found my best friend."
Martin has since ballooned up to 573 pounds. The silver lining is that he's not the fattest running back in the NFL, as Eddie Lacy recently checked in at a rotund 635.
Denver Broncos: Josh McCown, QB, Sam Houston State
When the Broncos said that they wanted to add a veteran quarterback this offseason, most assumed it would be Tony Romo. Even Jay Cutler made more sense than this.
"Who needs Tony Romo when you can have Josh McCown?" John Elway asked rhetorically. "Romo used to be good, and so was Josh ... that one time ... he had a good game ... maybe..."
Upon further investigation, it appears as though Peyton Manning was the mastermind behind this transaction. We secretly taperecorded Manning having a conversation with his mother.
"Mommy, I want to be the only quarterback besides John with a Super Bowl ring in Denver!" Manning whined. "If Tony comes and wins the Super Bowl, they'll think he's better than me, and that's not fair! I'm Prince Peyton, you said so! Well, Prince Peyton wants what he gets, and Prince Peyton wants no Super Bowls for the Broncos without me!"
Detroit Lions: Buffalo Wild Wings Patrons
Lions general manager Bob Quinn cited his enthusiasm for the NCAA Tournament as the catalyst for this draft pick.
"I was watching my bracket go to hell when a Buffalo Wild Wings commercial caught my eye," Quinn said. "It was the one where there was a food voodoo doll, and once they broke one of his arms - a celery stick - the player's arm broke. That's when I realized I need these shamans on my team."
The three Buffalo Wild Wings patrons tried to explain to Quinn that they were just actors in a TV commercial, but he wouldn't listen.
"Have you seen how many injuries we had last year!?" Quinn spat. "I could list all the names, but that would take me hours! What I need you three to do is be the guardians of food voodoo dolls of our players, so that we can finally stay healthy!"
Miami Dolphins: Swimming Pool
No one has ever thought of the Jacksonville Jaguars as trend-setters, but that's exactly what they were in this instance. The Jaguars were the first team to have a swimming pool in their stadium, and now the Dolphins have followed suit.
"The Jaguars have seen an uptick in attendance since they installed their pool," owner Stephen Ross said. "No one will come to our games. No matter how many times I advertise that Gloria Estefan will be at our games, it doesn't do anything!"
It was later revealed that Ross had an ulterior motive for building a pool. With an attractive blonde lifeguard on the stands, Ross jumped into the pool, but began to drawn. The lifeguard, taking notice, dived in after him, and then gave Ross mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. As it turns out, Ross was faking this, and that was quite apparent when he locked his lips and gave the lifeguard a kiss.
"That was awesome!" Ross said after being chased out of the pool area. "I finally got a kiss from a girl, and it was awesome!"
Ross would eventually marry the hot lifeguard.
New York Giants: Divorce Lawyer
Odell Beckham Jr. might be crazy, but at least he's entertaining. He had quite the saga with the kicking net last year, knocking it over and then proposing to it in a later game. Beckham and the kicking net appeared to be quite happy, but their relationship has soured in the past couple of months.
"We haven't had sex in quite a while," Beckham lamented. "It started when the kicking net asked if it looked fat in a dress. Honestly, it did pack on a few pounds following our marriage, so I didn't say no. This started a fight, and, well, here we are."
The divorce lawyer the Giants drafted has already begun drawing up papers for Beckham's divorce.
Fortunately, there is some good news, as Beckham has a new love.
"O field goal post, field goal post, wherefore art thou field goal post?" Beckham was heard, calling for the yellow bars in the back of the end zone.
Oakland Raiders: Mannequins
Well, we know that Mark Davis is a WalterFootball.com reader. How? Well, he said so after making this selection.
"Hey guys, first and foremost, I'd like to offer $10 to anyone who compliments me on my Captain Kangaroo haircut," Davis said. "Second, I was reading WalterFootball.com's Jerks of the Week and I saw this picture in his mall entry:
"And I thought, 'Wow, $5 for mannequins!? What a great deal!' We know there won't be anyone in the stands in Las Vegas, so we can fill the seats with these mannequins to make it look like we have a sold-out crowd!"
Houston Texans: Mike Glennon, QB, N.C. State
The Bears may have signed Mike Glennon in free agency, but that doesn't matter because the Texans were able to obtain him through a loophole, using their first-round selection to steal him from the Bears. Houston will have to pay Glennon the salary Chicago has given to him, but that didn't seem to bother Rick Smith.
"Like a wise man once said, if at first you don't succeed try again," Smith said. "And in this case, if at first you don't succeed by throwing tons of money at terrible quarterbacks with no proven track record, keep throwing tons of money at terrible quarterbacks with no proven track record."
It sometimes pays off to stick to your principles, but this is a bit ridiculous, right? We thought so, until we learned the evil truth. Smith has been possessed by the demon known as Brodie Croyle. The Croyle Demon invades the minds of innocent general managers and forces them to spend major resources on awful quarterbacks. Thus far, the Croyle Demon has infested the minds of Smith, David Caldwell, Ryan Pace and Rick Spielman, among others.
As a PSA, be vigilant. If your general manager spends countless resources on a terrible quarterback, the Croyle Demon has possessed him. If this happens, please call an exorcist immediately.
Seattle Seahawks: LenDale White, RB, USC
Seattle has one of the best front offices in the NFL, so it was quite the surprise that it selected LenDale White over Leonard Fournette or Dalvin Cook.
"We want competition here, so we drafted a guy who can compete in the competiiton by competing competitively in the competition that we've asked all competetors to compete competitively in as if they were competing in the ultimate competitive compeition, competitively," Pete Carroll said.
Sources, however, have revealed that the Seahawks have chosen White to challenge Eddie Lacy. And by "challenge," they want White to eat all of Lacy's secret stash of cheeseburgers so that Lacy loses weight.
Unfortunately, this has backfired. Since being selected, White has offered Lacy plenty of cookies and cakes to fatten him up. White was then overheard muttering to himself about his master plan.
"Tee hee hee, I usually lure children into the woods into my gingerbread house and fatten them up so I can eat them, but now I will have double the feast after I fatten Eddie Lacy up, tee hee hee!"
Kansas City Chiefs: Joe Mixon, RB, Oklahoma
Andy Reid took the podium to explain this pick.
"Hem, hem... uhh...hem, hem... umm... uhh... uhh... hem, hem... umm... uhh... uhh... umm... hem, hem... hem, hem... uhh... umm... uhh... hem, hem..." Reid said.
"Mr. Andy Reid believes that selecting Joe Mixon is not a big deal because he already gave a second chance to a man who electrocuted dogs and took bets on how long they'd last underwater," Reid's translator said.
Despite this explanation, there was outcry that Mixon would be selected three times in the first round. Roger Goodell addressed this.
"Some say that the NFL hates women," Goodell said. "That's totally wrong. We fully respect women. If we didn't fully respect women, why would we celebrate Breast Cancer Awareness Month, where a whopping 3.5 percent of our proceeds go to breast cancer awareness? With that in mind, please tell me who cares more about women than the NFL does, because I don't know if such an organization exists."
Dallas Cowboys: Leonard Fournette, RB, LSU
Jerry Jones has seemingly made the wrong decision every time in recent years, yet things have inexplicably worked out for him. For instance, no one around the NFL thought Ezekiel Elliott would be an elite running back, yet the Cowboys selected this sort of running back at No. 4, and they turned him into the league's leading rusher. Dallas also wasted a second-round pick on a lemon linebacker, yet it didn't matter because the team won the division despite squandering this resource.
So, what about this move? Choosing Leonard Fournette with so many other needs seemed crazy at time, but things have magically worked for Jones again.
Remember the incident in which Elliott got into trouble for exposing a woman's breast? As it turns out, this woman was in the FBI, and she was investigating Elliott for exposing women's breasts in public.
"Mr. Ezekiel Elliott has 716,000 cases of fondling and exposing breasts in public," the FBI agent revealed. "Yes, 716,000, all in a span of three years. That means he has exposed or fondled 653.88 breasts per day over that span."
The penalty for exposing and fondling breasts in public carries a 30-day jail sentence. If you do the math, Elliott will now be behind bars for 53.74 years.
"Ezekiel will be released from prison when he's 75 years old," Roger Goodell said in a statement. "He can apply for reinstatement in the NFL then."
Green Bay Packers: Hundreds of Tables
When the Packers were 4-6, everyone in the media was assigning blame everywhere. Of course, Aaron Rodgers made a proclamation that his team would run the table, and it appeared as though it would do so until the NFC Championship.
Rodgers has a long memory, so he didn't forget what every single media member said. In honor of nearly running the table, he had ugly tables delivered to each media member's house. Each on-air "personality" handled this differently.
Woody Paige, for instance, was having a senile moment, so he didn't know who Rodgers was.
Charles Woodson attempted to sell the table for $1,800, but ultimately had to settle for $1,007.
Matt Millen, meanwhile, took the table as a positive sign.
"I never would've imagined that Mr. Aaron Rodgers would have an interest in me," Millen said. "I've had my way with 100- and 200-percent USDA Men, but never would I have thought that a 5,500-percent USDA Man would want to explore backside endeavors with me!"
Rodgers never sent Millen anything ever again.
Pittsburgh Steelers: Video Revenge
Antonio Brown was enjoying a nice, quiet evening on his own. His four kids were away at sleepovers, so he poured himself some fine wine and drew a bubble bath. He slipped into the tub, and immediately thought of Flo from the Progressive commercials. This eroused him, and soon he began stroking himself with his eyes closed.
"Ahh," he gasped, biting his quivering lip.
Suddenly, Brown felt as though he was being watched. He opened his eyes, and to his utter surprise, his head coach, Mike Tomlin, was hovering over the bath tub with a camera pointed at him.
"What the!?" Brown yelped.
"How does it feel now, sucker!?" Tomlin bellowed. "Now you'll know how it feels to be videotaped in a private moment!"
Brown never thought of Flo the same way ever again.
Atlanta Falcons: Running Portion of Playbook
Everyone criticized the Falcons for barely running the ball in the second half when they had a huge lead versus the Patriots. As it turns out, running was impossible for Kyle Shanahan, who was missing the running portion of his playbook.
Oddly enough, the running portion of the playbook was found in New England's locker room, right where Bill Belichick had his belongings. Hmmm...
New England Patriots: Food for Tom Brady
The Patriots traded this pick to the Saints, but they managed to recoup it by blackmailing Sean Payton. We didn't have the details, but Bill Belichick reportedly had video of Payton doing naughty things with his new time machine.
With this selection, New England has purchased food for Tom Brady.
"I read a report that said Tom only has $76 worth of food each week," Bob Kraft said. "I eat $76 worth of Arby's every day, so it's clear that we need to give food to our quarterback, who is living life like a third-world individual."
Kraft sent all sorts of roast beef and fried chicken sandwiches to Brady's house, but Brady returned the wares.
"What a team player," Kraft said, scarfing down one of the returned sandwiches with a tear in his eye. "Always thinking of others. God bless him."
Real 2017 NFL Mock Draft
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